How do I win him back?

[dougalmc]

Hi,

I'm new to here and I need your advice. To start, I'll just say I'm a pretty shitty person.

I've been in an extremely loving, committed relationship for 7 years, with the man of my dreams. Recently, he discovered that I have been talking to guys online and doing pretty heinous things. I'm not ashamed to say I'm a sex addict, but it's taken me a long time to admit that to myself and to seek the help I needed. I have never physically cheated on my partner, but that is no excuse for what I have done.

We have had a few break ups due to me falling back into a vicious circle and him finding out, but lately, I think I've finally broken the circle. I'm ridiculously happy with our life. This weekend, someone from my past contacted me on Twitter. I told him I wasn't interested, that I had a bf and that I had already been caught. He persisted. I liked the attention. But it was nothing more than talking.

This seems to have been the final straw for my boyfriend, and he wants to end the relationship. I'm completely lost. I know this is my fault. I know I have created this issue, and I wish I could take it all back, but I can't.

We've become a stronger couple over the past year since he discovered my indiscretions. Our highs are higher than ever but our lows have been ridiculously low. Again, I own those lows and acknowledge they are my fault. What's frustrating is that I have finally turned a corner, and really believe I have kicked this addiction, or at least have it in check. To give up on the relationship now seems like such a waste of all the hard work we have put into this relationship.

I don't know if he just needs time. I don't know how to fix this, or if it can be fixed. I need it to be fixed, because as melodramatic as it sounds, I don't know what a life without him looks like, and I'm not interested in it.

I know he resents me, and that his trust is broken. But trust can be rebuilt, time is the healer of all things and I know that this is worth the fight. I just need advice, help and guidance on how to deal with this.

I feel like I've done the hard bit now, and the relationship will go on to be amazing, but I need help to ret over this bump in the road.

Please try not to judge me too harshly - no one can hate me as much as I hate myself, including him.

[Biki1992]

Well!! You have mentioned you are having strong relationship with him over years that meant you have known him completely. So stop everything and thinking about his weaknesses where you can get him back. Hit on those weak spot. Some people easily can convince just by accepting what we have done wrong, asking forgiveness and promising. Some are very hard but i think there is always a way. Find out what's make him happy. I think it is right time to talk about everything what you have in your mind....

Hope you get him
MGBLU

[LJay]

You should head for counselling and ask him if he will go with you. Tell him that even if you have to go alone, you are going. Whether you stay with him or not, you need to get this under control.

You should also stop being so polite on twitter or wherever. If someone contacts you just don't reply.

You may have gone too far this time. Face it. Still, if the two of you can still talk, try your best.

By the way, welcome here.

[Edward]

Once a trust is crumbled, it'll never be perfect again. Remember that.

[Darius]

Hi Doug. No judgement here. I think couples counseling is in order, too. But since your infidelity is exclusively online, you are going to need to block those sites where you are tempted....even if it hurts.

Let us know how it works out. Good luck. I hope he forgives you.

[Cobalt]

Oh boy...I've got some strong feelings about some of the things that came up in your post but I have a feeling they won't be well received. I understand you're feeling rather sensitive and vulnerable right now so my attacking you won't help much. However, I will say a couple of things.

-YOUR PARTNER IS NOT A PRIZE. HE IS A HUMAN BEING WITH FEELINGS. Do NOT use the term "win him back" like he's the award after winning some sort of carnival game. You are not trying for a high score for his love. What you should be thinking is "How do I show I am worthy of his love?" This is not about you "taking" him or "getting" him. This is about him wanting you at all.

-My thoughts about "sex addicts" aside, if you feel you have a real problem with this, minimize contact with a situation that will put you at risk of falling into an addiction. What's a good way for a recovering alcoholic to stay sober? Stay out of bars. What's a good way for a person on a diet to stay away from tempting food? Stay out of restaurants or places where they can't bring their own healthy food. What's a good way for a gambling addict to avoid gambling? Stay out of casinos. What's a good way to avoid fucking everything within site if you are a "sex addict"? Avoid social situations.
But, people will say, oh my god, Cobalt, that's insane! You can't avoid people! Well, I feel the notion of being a "sex addict" is insane too but I'll still listen to people who demand it's a valid concept. So, if you feel you really have a self control problem (which I buy into a lot more heavily than sex addiction) then you need to minimize contact with people. Go to work/school. Come home. You want to go somewhere? Go with your partner or a family member/friend that won't think it's okay if you just say: damn, saw a hot guy just now, brb going to ride his cock and plow his ass.
If you have such an issue with controlling yourself, baby yourself. You aren't allowed out on recreational trips without supervision anymore until you can get your shit under control.

-Understand your partner may really think this is it. If he feels that way, that is his right. You wanted to screw around (which thankfully you accept responsibility for) now you need to accept the consequences of your actions. If you lose him, you did it to yourself. Do what you have failed to do your whole relationship: Respect him. If he wants to call it quits, respect that decision. You clearly made your choices, it's time for him to make his.

-You knew your cheating was a huge issue with your partner, yet you allowed some dude on social media to keep messaging you because you "liked the attention"? Are you not in a relationship? Your attention should be coming from him and no one else. This is a news flash you're probably aware of: everyone likes attention of some form or another. I myself would love it if people complimented my ass all day long and told me how much they'd love to take me to bed. If these compliments came from random passerbys, there's nothing I could but blush and walk on. But if this came from a friend or someone I had a sort of control over (an online acquaintance or a distant friend) I would tell them while I'm flattered, I'm in a relationship and those compliments aren't welcome any further. Why? Because it's disrespectful to my partner. If someone is going to say things like this to you, it's obvious they are into you. By not stopping them, you are giving the sign of : I am interested too. Just "liking the attention" is not good enough. Keep your ego in check. Learn to get by with fewer compliments. Attention feels good but you need to deflect it within reason when you're in a closed (which I'm assuming you are in) relationship.

-A last point: get the fuck off social media. Seriously. I could write pages pages on why nine times out of ten it's a bad idea for couples in the first place (sorry people of the world, but the majority of you have no clue what you're doing) but this isn't the place. Where you are concerned, you have a history of going behind the back of your partner and cheating repeatedly. How in the world do you think being part of a social network where you can communicate with other men in secret away from your partner is a good thing for your relationship? How? Enlighten me? You can stay in touch with those you care about without Facebook and all this other yuppy shit that's "in" today. People did it before. Please, if you're serious about changing, get off social media. There's nothing but trouble there for someone in your position.

I was pretty harsh so honestly, I apologize. I understand you feel like shit and I seriously hope the best for you. I feel the way I do not just about you, but about a lot of these issues. So many people are quick to pull an addiction card, or a bipolar/depression card, or some other lame excuse when they really need to owe 100% of their actions to personal responsibility. Everyone wants to be so damn self centered these days and when they get caught for it they want to try and say it isn't their fault. "I'm not a horribly irresponsible and selfish dick! I have a gambling addiction!" or some other some such nonsense. Sure, there are real disorders but the numbers are inflated by cowards clinging to an excuse that just sounds good and takes the heat off them.

I hope you do realize where your problem lies. I don't remember if you said anything about counseling but if you didn't, get yourself in with somebody. Find out why you destroyed a relationship and threw salt on the wound time and time again. And if this relationship ends, make sure you get your act together before you enter into another one, please. Good luck to you.

(For the record, everyone here is welcome to disagree with me about anything I said or ever say. I stand by my values and principles.)

[Insertnamehere]

You need to

1) Get counseling for your addiction. You recognized the problem, now tackle it. You will want to avoid the things that make you fall, for starters.

2) You might wanna find ways to let him know he means THAT much to you and you need to let him know you want to get over this problem of yours.


Whatever happens, the important bit is that he is aware that he is "that guy" for you and that you are willing to fight your addiction because of this.

It might or might not work, but if you don't want to keep having the issue, you will have to do these things anyway

that's my 2 cents

[Beaux]

Google: 'Narcisistic Personality Disorder', and see how much of what you read applies to you.

~Beaux

[JohnSomebody]

I just tend to believe that from what I've picked up from your post that he has probably reached his breaking point so to speak due to the fact that he has endured a lot throughout your relationship. Every one has a breaking point and therefore, in regard to you wanting to win him back...I just think that if he wants you back then it should be on his own terms in his own time without your pursuit of getting him back into your life. Honestly, there is a lot that I could say on this but I decided not to be judgmental by looking at this from a different perspective. Therefore, I think you should leave him alone to gather in his thoughts or space to think on his own as to how he wants to handle this situation. Nonetheless, however this may turn out...you should respect his decision if its not the way you may hope it to be which may be the direction things may go.