Reasons to end a relationship

[koseku]

This reminded me of a post by a gay therapist.



I have to say,he knew who he was since the beginning,that he's not a "relationship guy". As much as you and I find it weird that some people would rather die alone than be with a life companion, they do exist. Unfortunately,he's one of them. I think he made up that last reason cause you kept digging it out of him. I'd say the real reason is just simply...he's not a "relationship guy".

Of course it is not fair to you,and I'd say to him too. Think of this in another way, would you rather he be with you despite his heart is not there? I'd think that is a worse situation to end up with. It's like when gay people marry opposite sex,his heart is not there,which undoubtedly has been proven will be miserable for both partners. Take it as a learning experience, one that each of us has to take to grow up and learn more about ourselves and the world. Like the saying, sometimes you have to kiss a lot of frogs before prince charming comes along. Don't beat up yourself cause of one failed relationship, you're so much worthier than that. Cheers.

Thank you the great answer, now i understand things clearer... The feeling of being left is awful, i could say it is the second worst feeling i had in my life(after my father's death), i will take it as an experience but i just came back to the same point right before meeting him. Again im lonely and i dont think there is a guy for me here, i always look for a way to move to a better country, a hate inside me grows and grows slowly against gay people and it effects my social life. It was like fairy tale at relationship, now its like hell. It has been five months since break up but i still cant really date someone.

[RainV]

The magic disminished or disappeared completely. When we feel attracted to one person, there’s a chemical reaction in our brain. As long as we keep watching/hanging out/having contact with that person the same chemical reaction keeps having place, until one day happens something: either 1) that reaction diminishes or stops to appear or 2) Another person generates a bigger reaction or just the one that we stopped generating.

Jealousy: Did he spotted you being friendly with another guy?.

Monotony. The other day I read one post of another dude sharing that his relationship with his boyfriend was nice but repetitive: kiss-cuddling-sofa-sex-sleeping. Were you guys being doing the same things one time and again?.

Competence: Perhaps he got infatuated with someone else and didn't tell you to spare you from being hurted.

Complete satisfaction: He got what he wanted/needed for 2 years, he felt he was done and decided to turn the page.

Not enough experiences: When you are young sometimes you just want to keep meeting new people and engaging in new relationships to know how it feels or to maximize your benefit through your sex appeal. Going steady with the same person for many years when you have the chance to go out with many other boys could seem irrational for certain guys, but they won't admit it.

Bear in mind that just because he told you that none of the reasons you mentioned was the cause for him to leave you doesn't mean that is true. Some persons are passive-agressive. For some reason during their childhood they weren't allowed to express their true feelings about a situation, so when they become adults sometimes conceal/disguise their ideas/feelings/opinions out of self-confidence, guilt or fear of bothering or hurting the other persons.

Sometimes we have a reason to act in a certain way but don't want to reveal it cause it could lead to a discussion when we have taken a decision. For example, suppose he started to feel not so satisfied sexually or he was pressured by his parents/a brother to leave you and he doesn't want to tell you, so you won't try to disuade him.

In any case, do you still have contact with him?. Is there a chance for you guys to get together again?. Is he in another relationship or something?.

If you have a chance to talk with him again and ask him to be sincere about the reasons that lead to him leaving it would be good to ease your soul. If he doesn't want to talk about it or keeps telling you he doesn't know maybe it will be best for you to forget him and move on. There are other fish in the water

Best of lucks and greetings!!!!

RainV

[koseku]

The magic disminished or disappeared completely. When we feel attracted to one person, there’s a chemical reaction in our brain. As long as we keep watching/hanging out/having contact with that person the same chemical reaction keeps having place, until one day happens something: either 1) that reaction diminishes or stops to appear or 2) Another person generates a bigger reaction or just the one that we stopped generating.

Jealousy: Did he spotted you being friendly with another guy?.

Monotony. The other day I read one post of another dude sharing that his relationship with his boyfriend was nice but repetitive: kiss-cuddling-sofa-sex-sleeping. Were you guys being doing the same things one time and again?.

Competence: Perhaps he got infatuated with someone else and didn't tell you to spare you from being hurted.

Complete satisfaction: He got what he wanted/needed for 2 years, he felt he was done and decided to turn the page.

Not enough experiences: When you are young sometimes you just want to keep meeting new people and engaging in new relationships to know how it feels or to maximize your benefit through your sex appeal. Going steady with the same person for many years when you have the chance to go out with many other boys could seem irrational for certain guys, but they won't admit it.

Bear in mind that just because he told you that none of the reasons you mentioned was the cause for him to leave you doesn't mean that is true. Some persons are passive-agressive. For some reason during their childhood they weren't allowed to express their true feelings about a situation, so when they become adults sometimes conceal/disguise their ideas/feelings/opinions out of self-confidence, guilt or fear of bothering or hurting the other persons.

Sometimes we have a reason to act in a certain way but don't want to reveal it cause it could lead to a discussion when we have taken a decision. For example, suppose he started to feel not so satisfied sexually or he was pressured by his parents/a brother to leave you and he doesn't want to tell you, so you won't try to disuade him.

In any case, do you still have contact with him?. Is there a chance for you guys to get together again?. Is he in another relationship or something?.

If you have a chance to talk with him again and ask him to be sincere about the reasons that lead to him leaving it would be good to ease your soul. If he doesn't want to talk about it or keeps telling you he doesn't know maybe it will be best for you to forget him and move on. There are other fish in the water

Best of lucks and greetings!!!!

RainV

It was a bit monotony but we couldnt do much because he was usually busy with career, sport, friends... It was mostly after 10 pm we meet at home and eat something then sex and sleep mostly... He also wants to work at weekend to make extra money, but other than that, he almost meet his friends and we would go outside to shop, or cinema or theatre. I always offered him to do different things but he barely accepted my suggestions because most of them were "too public" like going to beach, a bar or club.

For other reasons, it might be "not experienced" because when i insisted on learning the reason, he said that "i was happy to with you because i was in a relationship for the first time" so i felt like used, wasnt it because it was me? this even made me feel worse... i know that he really loved me and we were perfect at the beginning but he says he wants to try other people too. when i asked further, he said that "we couldnt do much social activity, or had a good intellectual conservation, now im with other guys and i feel better speaking with them" this also made me feel worse because i was the one who tried to go out, spend time. he almost mentioned that im not an intellect guy. i still cant believe how he can be so cruel, this is not the guy before break up, he was very good to me but suddenly im like a foreigner to me, i feel like unworthy etc... i didnt do anything to deserve this kind of behaviour. i always wanted to way a find to communucate even we like different things. how is it possible to find a partner that will suit all of your requirements? do husbands and wifes hang out all the time? men go to watch football and women go to hair dresser together for instance. we dont have to everything together.

[RainV]

I understand that you loved this guy a lot and had a good time with him during a time. Seems like things worked well at first as in any relationship, when one is so smitten with the other than the infatuation is capable to make us ignore some signs that indicate things may not being working so perfectly. What comes to my mind is that both of you had different needs and were after different goals, in such a way that it wasn’t possible to keep up with the relationship.

I take it your ex was gay too, but a closeted one since he didn’t want to do activities that could raise suspicions about you being a couple. There you have one big difference: while you were willing to do other activities to keep spicing up the relationship he didn’t want to make the effort because of his personal concern about other people opinion/gossip. Instead he preferred to spend time with other guys (friends) that could add some variety to his life without the fear of being labeled as gay.

You mentioned that you were his first relationship. Even if you were a good boyfriend, sometimes guys just want to go and experience the world, meet other people. That’s one of the perks of being young, that you have options. For certain persons it could seem as if going steady with someone would be equivalent as a marriage. Apparently the guy was happy because it was his first, but perhaps it that wasn’t enough cause he wanted to keep having fun. You were ready for a steady relationship/marriage, but he didn’t.

He had a experience with you and it was enough, so he decided to move on. I personally think you shouldn’t feel like you were used or something: it was that, an experience for both of you, meaningful and wonderful for each one but in different levels, since the expectations that both had were very different… Try to remember the positive memories and that you had the chance of meeting him and shared some time together.

I also think the weighing scale was heavier on your side: you were more interested in this guy than he was on you, and that’s why you now feel betrayed or disappointed. Maybe at the end he vented feelings that he started to have at a certain part of the relationship, or he just made them up to end it up, who knows. But one thing is clear: he didn’t want to be in the relationship anymore and decided to move on. I know your initial interest was to find an answer to “Why did he ended the relationship?”, but the only person that knows the real answer is your ex. Guess you already did what you had/can to keep the relationship alive and understand it's ending. It’s time to move on and keep moving forward.

How about going out and meeting new people for a while?. Maybe this still hurts you, but with time you’ll be able to get it over and find someone that shares similar interests. I mean, you don’t have to like all the same things, but perhaps you could consider to try out something with a guy that is comfortable with sharing activities in public.

Cheer up!. Good luck and have a nice day!

RainV

[koseku]

I understand that you loved this guy a lot and had a good time with him during a time. Seems like things worked well at first as in any relationship, when one is so smitten with the other than the infatuation is capable to make us ignore some signs that indicate things may not being working so perfectly. What comes to my mind is that both of you had different needs and were after different goals, in such a way that it wasn’t possible to keep up with the relationship.

I take it your ex was gay too, but a closeted one since he didn’t want to do activities that could raise suspicions about you being a couple. There you have one big difference: while you were willing to do other activities to keep spicing up the relationship he didn’t want to make the effort because of his personal concern about other people opinion/gossip. Instead he preferred to spend time with other guys (friends) that could add some variety to his life without the fear of being labeled as gay.

You mentioned that you were his first relationship. Even if you were a good boyfriend, sometimes guys just want to go and experience the world, meet other people. That’s one of the perks of being young, that you have options. For certain persons it could seem as if going steady with someone would be equivalent as a marriage. Apparently the guy was happy because it was his first, but perhaps it that wasn’t enough cause he wanted to keep having fun. You were ready for a steady relationship/marriage, but he didn’t.

He had a experience with you and it was enough, so he decided to move on. I personally think you shouldn’t feel like you were used or something: it was that, an experience for both of you, meaningful and wonderful for each one but in different levels, since the expectations that both had were very different… Try to remember the positive memories and that you had the chance of meeting him and shared some time together.

I also think the weighing scale was heavier on your side: you were more interested in this guy than he was on you, and that’s why you now feel betrayed or disappointed. Maybe at the end he vented feelings that he started to have at a certain part of the relationship, or he just made them up to end it up, who knows. But one thing is clear: he didn’t want to be in the relationship anymore and decided to move on. I know your initial interest was to find an answer to “Why did he ended the relationship?”, but the only person that knows the real answer is your ex. Guess you already did what you had/can to keep the relationship alive and understand it's ending. It’s time to move on and keep moving forward.

How about going out and meeting new people for a while?. Maybe this still hurts you, but with time you’ll be able to get it over and find someone that shares similar interests. I mean, you don’t have to like all the same things, but perhaps you could consider to try out something with a guy that is comfortable with sharing activities in public.

Cheer up!. Good luck and have a nice day!

RainV

He gave me no choice anyway, i have to move on, i try to meet new guys but not sure if i will be even succesful to start a date again soon...

[RainV]

There's no rush to start dating again. But if you give yourself a chance to go out, do activities and meet new people you'll keep your mind busy and will definitely feel better. Cheers!

[InbetweenDreams]

I always look back at my exes and for the most part I'm glad they're exes. Some of the people I have dated were very much not on my level, but at the time I was so "in love" that I didn't see all the flaws. We're talking about someone who wouldn't look for a job or do anything to help himself. I put up with the crap for over a year, it took something bad happening between him and my family to end it when it realistically should have ended before it ever started.

The hardest part for me has been getting back into a relationship. It is almost like starting completely over, as if I never dated. Of course being out where I am at there's not many fish in the pond and of them even fewer that want a standard "normal" relationship and not just to hook up or something else.

[Buzzer]

I think it is a matter of character. He always told me he is not a "relationship guy" he said that he can't believe our relationship lasted two years long. But for my opinion, he was my possible husband... I don't know what he wants inside, i ask him what to do when you get older, that don't you want a life companion, he said no, i will die alone. I just don't get it, why would someone want a life like this?

This brings a saying to mind.

When people show you their true colors, believe them.

[InbetweenDreams]

That's happened to me, sort of, I can't remember exactly the deal but I was dating this guy for a while and from the get go he said he wasn't sure what he wanted and so on. Well turns out that he wasn't sure and things between me and this guy started getting too serious from him and that was the end of it.

Seems we ignore the most obvious problems and are left wondering what the problem was... Kind of like programming... had a ":" at the end of the line instead of a ";" and nothing worked...thought it was a smudge on the screen...

[koseku]

That's happened to me, sort of, I can't remember exactly the deal but I was dating this guy for a while and from the get go he said he wasn't sure what he wanted and so on. Well turns out that he wasn't sure and things between me and this guy started getting too serious from him and that was the end of it.

Seems we ignore the most obvious problems and are left wondering what the problem was... Kind of like programming... had a ":" at the end of the line instead of a ";" and nothing worked...thought it was a smudge on the screen...

Yes these unspoken problems may occur problems but im always trying to find what is the problem, and look for a solution, but in the end i realesed that he doesnt accept any solution but breaking up for "character" reasons.