No Intimacy in our relationship.

[dimondd]

I really would like some advice before i make the wrong decision.
My and my partner have been seeing each other for 7 months now and i love him like no other. Mainly because its so hard to find a decent guy who actually wants a relationship and is prepared to go the distance. He was a virgin when we met at 28. It took 5 months for him to have sex with me and when it came it was amazing and he seemed ready. He stays over at mine alot and my housemates love him which is a good thing.

Its no secret to him that i have a big sexual history and i love to be intimate with my partners. If i'm with you then for sure i like you and all of your body. I very very enthusiastic when about pleasing my partner. In the past Ive left partners because they could not do the relationship bit. Now i have someone who is great in that sense but the level of intimacy has dropped.

I maybe overthinking things a bit but there are a few things that are starting to bother me and I refuse to be in a relationship with the man I love and came out for, with no sex life. Previous partners were a joy in the bedroom and loved my body so this is new to me. My current partner wears pyjamas in bed, which for me is a turn off. He was raised as a catholic and this has made me research religious people and sex. The results were not good but as i suspected. He seems to be more interested in watching reality TV and being on Facebook until I fall asleep.

He sometimes berates my exes as they would sleep with me after we broke up. It was not ideal but one thing we had in common was good sex. I think to myself now that ''at least they would never reject me''. I don't want to be one of those couple who are all smiles outside but sad faces inside.

I love him very much. We have both met the parents and all is good. My family knows all about him and that's certainly a first for me. I can imagine being with him forever but not without a very healthy sex life.

I think maybe he does not enjoy sex but when i'm inside him he looks like hes enjoying it. I can see my behavior changing and i know he will pick up on it. I'm thinking of just spending less time with him and just not making any moves at all.

I'm scared in a way because I've never had to push for sex. I don't want sex with him if he is not interested. Id rather just be friends and be with someone who values intimacy. He can be a bit paranoid as i still talk to my exes. I've reassured him that we are friends and he be accepting. I always say to him that i love all of you body but if i cant have it then what is the point?

Hes a sweet guy and is fearful of loosing me of which I'm the same. I feel that I've done everything he has asked and will continue to do so. He wants to get married but now that is a long way away for me and i'm not keen on marriage. His mother is deeply religious but down to earth. I'm staying at their for 2 nights in separate rooms of course which is fine. Hes always for 3 weeks and has never mention that fact that he would miss the sex. He also wants me to go on a family holiday with him for his 30th in 2017. I jokingly asked if we would be sleeping in the same room and having sex and he said NO!!! So already i don't to go as it would not be the best experience if i'm frustrated on holiday.

I know its early but this is how things fester. If I didn't love him then i'd just cheat but all I've ever done with him is be honest, even to the point where he had not been happy with my honesty. I really don't want to loose him but i want intimacy. Hes worried i might cheat but on the other hand hes not being intimate which is unfair i think. I just think now that hes not being 100% honest with me and i need to know now.


Any suggestions would be great!


Darryl

[Pcolakuntryboy]

Well intimacy and sex are two different things. Does he cuddle with you or hold you in bed? Maybe he just doesn't care for intercourse?

[jimcrackcorn]

You and your boyfriend need to have a serious talk about the lack of sex in your relationship. He needs to open up and tell you exactly why he is having trouble in the sex department.

There are hundreds of reasons why couples stop having regular sex together. You need to find out what is causing the problem and then find ways to fix it "together".

You mentioned his religious upbringing, so maybe his lack of sex is driven by his religious beliefs. If that's it,,,then he needs help getting past those old moralistic ideas. One way to do this is to start taking him to a gay affirming church where they don't condemn gay sex or gay relationships. It's just a matter of shopping around to find the right church. You can also google "Christianity and what the bible really says about gay sex"

Here's one such web site: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/unfundament...sexuality/

It could also be that your boyfriend feels guilty about having sex out of wedlock,, which is a guilt trip that many religious organizations teach their flock. Simple cure for that is to marry him (smile)..

There's also the distinct possibility that he doesn't really enjoy bottoming all that much,, and is avoiding sex because of this.

Your boyfriend has the answer to the problem,, you just got to find a way to get him to tell you what it is. Be gentle when asking him about his problem with sex, as it may be a very private matter which he doesn't want to disclose easily/willingly.

Sincerely,
Jim

[MikeW]

....Any suggestions would be great!


Darryl

First off, I agree with [MENTION=21944]Pcolakuntryboy[/MENTION]; for me intimacy and sex are two different things. The best sex IS intimate, but not everything intimate is sex. You seem to use the words interchangeably and that's confusing to me.

I also agree with [MENTION=11919]jimcrackcorn[/MENTION], your BF/partner knows why he isn't being sexual with you... Now, it is possible he doesn't know *consciously*. He could be in denial about what ever it is that's hanging him up. I would ask him what DOES turn him on. What *would* he enjoy doing sexually (with you or anyone). ds

But so far, TBH, it doesn't sound like you're sexually compatible.

[azulai]

Whereas your bf is the sex virgin, in some ways you seem more of the relationship virgin, ok?
Your relationship is in its infancy. I agree with Pcolakuntryboy that sex and intimacy are very different. You are focusing on sex as the route to intimacy. How do you make love to your partner outside of sex? What are the little things that show him you love him?

In regards to him and sex: Are you exclusively a top? Since he is just exploring the physical side of his sexuality, have you guys switched roles? Even though you have more experience, you need to discover what each other likes, wants and have some fun. Let him take the lead? Ask him to take the lead? It does seem like you are focusing on your past lovers and letting them in your bedroom. You may miss their lack of inhibition, what you need to do is unlock your bf's inhibitions. What gets him going? Maybe playfully tell him you are going to burn his pajamas, or say pj's??? What I don't get you hot enough? You are seeing barriers rather than opportunities.

With respect to the trip, in a relationship there are times you do things for your partner out of love, respect and support. That trip with his family undoubtably means a great deal to your bf. You’re thinking of this all wrong, it’s not your vacation. You go for him, sleep separately and make every effort for him to have a great time with his family. It’s about him and not you. That will be the best birthday present you could possibly give him. Let his mother see how wonderful you are; let his mother see how supportive you are.

Why am I saying this? Well, experience. My family has group vacations and we are very close. My bf and I have been together 4 years now and that first trip together with my family was very different from those now.My parents are open minded but not that open minded --- we didn’t share a room that first vacation. But over time things evolve. Over. Time.

One day my bf told me, I love how your family looks out for you.I didn’t get it until he explained.It is something he doesn’t have with his family. He saw that my parents were learning to trust him with me. My bf gave me a very special gift in the way he treats them. My family is good to him but there are times when he has more patience with them then I do! Lol.
Maybe your bf knows his mother needs to see that you are a good thing for him, give him that gift. Ok?

I do read some doubt in your words in terms of, if this relationship you wanted so dearly, has maybe moved too fast toward commitment. But listen to what you are saying about withdrawing--I have to say: don't be that guy. Talk to your bf about your fears, give him a chance to invest in the relationship, and both of you grow together. Give yourself the opportunity to grow in how you resolve issues in a relationship. But it is going to come down to how much you want to invest.

I read on here of so many who want a boyfriend, and how wonderful they are, and how much they think they have to offer someone. But having a bf isn't a goal, a prize or the end. Rather it is very much the beginning. The beginning of many lessons about yourself that you didn't think you needed to learn. It takes work to maintain a relationship. It takes time to build, and it's dynamic not static.

I hope I have not said anything that offends you as one of the many items that I'm working on (especially in my relationship!!!) is my tone.

I hope things work out for you both.

[dimondd]

Well intimacy and sex are two different things. Does he cuddle with you or hold you in bed? Maybe he just doesn't care for intercourse?

No. He does not cuddle really. Its in bed with Laptop on his lap watching reality TV!!!

I know hes new to sex but maybe your right, he does not care for intercourse

[dimondd]

First off, I agree with [MENTION=21944]Pcolakuntryboy[/MENTION]; for me intimacy and sex are two different things. The best sex IS intimate, but not everything intimate is sex. You seem to use the words interchangeably and that's confusing to me.

I also agree with [MENTION=11919]jimcrackcorn[/MENTION], your BF/partner knows why he isn't being sexual with you... Now, it is possible he doesn't know *consciously*. He could be in denial about what ever it is that's hanging him up. I would ask him what DOES turn him on. What *would* he enjoy doing sexually (with you or anyone). ds

But so far, TBH, it doesn't sound like you're sexually compatible.

I hear what your saying Mike. Maybe i have confused the two. When it happens we do have great intimate sex, but its not spontaneous and i initiate it all. Before full intercourse, he seemed alot more susceptible to pleasure me but now, its noting as if hes just comfortable. I think your right, ive been here before. We are not on the same levels sexually.

[dimondd]

hich he doesn't want to disclose easily/willingly.

Sincerely,
Jim[/QUOTE]

Thanks Jim.


You have raised a few things there that i'm aware of. I do need a serious talk with him. His mother is a devout Catholic and he was an alter boy so i know there is something in it. His mother made his farther wait FIVE YEARS before sex and he thinks that good. They are still together but i can imagine what their sex life is like - DULL. That's not what i want.

He goes to a Catholic Church. Not sure if its gay friendly but i'm not sure he'd go for that. Sexually, there are no roles. I don't mind him topping me at all but hes not used to that role i think, in terms of moves!!!!! He seems to enjoys sex but now i just don't know. I'm doubting him and that's not a good sign when i do that.

He tells him mum everything but she does not know hes not a virgin anymore. Basically i think he tries to be perfect in her eyes and that's not my style. My mother in not comfortable with me being gay, but I can talk to here about anything and i love that.

I really love him and i feel now i've experienced every single situation in relationships. One thing i'm learned is that if there is nothing happening in the bedroom, then it not going to last.

I will be gentle. Hes been avoiding me as he knows i want to talk so im holding my tongue at the moment.


Thanks Jim

[dimondd]

Hey Azulai.

No offence taken at all. I’m grateful for your advice. I think I have confused to two, intimacy and sex. I do little things like, I give him sensual massages, rub him feet, I surprise him with candle lit baths etc…, I cook him for him (ex chef). I put a lot into this relationship, so I’m not just expecting sex. I feel I can’t be intimate because the PJ’s are a barrier.

Sex wise I would say I’m Top/Vers. I’m a top naturally but I was a bottom in a past relationship for two years and I loved it. Problem is there is that my sex drive was higher also, so it didn’t work out! As he was a virgin, I have stated that he can top me anytime he wants. He’s into black guys, and most of his exes did not let him touch their arse. I don’t want that. I don’t want specific roles. His cock is the biggest but it’s how it’s used. He can have no complaints about me not giving him my arse. Either way, he seems to not want it. Top or Bottom! I’m a natural at taking the lead, he’s not. Hess says I’m a man’s man and he’s the opposite. I do need to unlock something inside of him but, what’s if there is nothing there? He tells me he finds me super attractive etc. etc. But they are words. It’s all in what you do for me!

About holidaying with his family. I don’t want to set precedents, yea I could go, sleep in separate bedrooms, not make love to him on his 30TH. He would expect the same all the time I think. I’ve spoken to many girls about that situation and most of them agree with me. Going on holiday with your boyfriend for his 30th and separate rooms??? Weird. I have given in to him so much to show him I mean business but that situation would kill me. It’s not normal in my opinion. His mother knows I’m very supportive. I finish work earlier than him. When he gets home he gets a 3 course waiting for him. I pick him up and take him wherever he need to go. I’m extra supportive but I see those things as natural in a relationship. Maybe things will evolve but I think he wants to be perfect in his mother eyes. The fact that he won’t tell her he’s not a virgin makes me wonder.
I admit we have moved fast, but don’t you agree that if it feels right then it feels right. I hate it when people try and put timelines on how quick a relationship should blossom. Ours blossomed because we are similar in our interests.
You have to understand that I’m experienced in relationships. Now, I’ve had every relationship scenario with men and women. I understand what you mean but I’d rather be on my own having sex than in a relationship where we having everything but. I know what it takes to maintain a relationship but ALL the people I’ve had don’t seem to. I’m adaptable, flexible, willing, sexual and committed with the right person. Not everyone can say the same.

For Alex, I came out to my family 2 weeks after meeting him and lost friends over this. I think I’ve put everything on the line to shop him I mean business but I’m not getting much in return. Yes, he’s a sweet sweet guy but it’s not enough ultimately.

Thanks bud!!!

[meridannight]

i'm a lot like this as well. i wouldn't be able to uphold a relationship with someone who isn't comfortable with physical intimacy. i need to be in contact with my partner's body a lot.

he has a religious background though. isn't that where it's stemming from? some guys with more serious religious background tend to be inhibited with physical expression to a relatively high degree.

in any case, i think you should talk to him about this. there's no use in just assuming this and assuming that.