Deal Breakers

[strider65]

some almost make a potential relationship sound like a job interview, where you have a checklist of things that would disqualify another human being.

my point earlier is that I have a checklist too and if you're gonna be like that, you automatically get checked off my list. right back at ya

it just seems cold and clinical, and very harsh.

[Emiliano]

Im turned off by men who cannot see the world beyond themselves.

[InbetweenDreams]

Im turned off by men who cannot see the world beyond themselves.

I know people like that... dealing with someone exactly like that right now...

[Emiliano]

I know people like that... dealing with someone exactly like that right now...

You have my sympathy then.
I have the patience to be around people like that, but I keep them at an emotional distance.

[azulai]

[SIZE="3"]

I'm going to ask about things that are total turn offs and what things you would enforce on your boyfriends?

One thing that comes to mind is would you or do you allow your boyfriend to talk to other gay guys? Use dating apps/websites? Where is the line drawn?

I've always felt that if I met the right guy that I would not feel inclined to enforce any kind of rules on him. I feel that I should be able to trust him completely and feel that completely honesty with each other, good and bad, is key.

But....is that approach even healthy in a relationship? I feel it is a bit like a fairy tale. Would I be placing someone that I feel is special in my mind that they are too perfect and could never do no wrong or hurt me, stop loving me and so on.

So I ask, what is reasonable, fair and a healthy approach? Where do you draw the line?

[/SIZE]
Enforce sounds a bit too controlling for me but I think it is important to go into the "looking" phase with your eyes open to things that would annoy you over time, or put your health - mental as well as physical - at risk.

Deal breakers for me:
*Dishonesty
Cheating, lying by commission or omission, exaggeration, too quick to make promises, lack of personal and professional ethics

*Condescending, mean, racist, disrespectful of waiters/waitresses/sales people/old people/children

*Hurting an animal or child, any kind of violence

*Clingy, wanting me to be his “everything”, non-stop talker, someone who can’t remember things that are important to me

*Poor money management, living beyond means, flashy bragging, extravagant behavior, driving like an idiot

*Hygiene - please shower and yes, use soap! Clean under your fingernails, blood under fingernails from picking or just dirt - just NO!

*Smoking anything, drug/alcohol abuse, controlling, user, irrational temper, lazy, mental/physical abuse, mind games, too much drama, temper tantrums, running away from difficult discussions/honesty

*No depth of soul, have to be able to see his heart

*Attempting to put me in a box sexually, being a selfish lover, being a lazy lover, being too serious, not playful

*Religion - I can’t be in a relationship with someone who has never questioned. Absolutely would not date someone who blindly follows an organized religion, who hasn’t questioned authority, texts, dogma, tradition and at least made things their own.

*Putting my health at risk

I guess my approach was I had these things in my mind, I did think about this stuff and journaled my thoughts quite a bit on it. lol. When I met my bf it honestly was more of a --and I know it sounds weird-- but I could see his heart. As we got to know each other, there was a recognition of shared values, and I did make a lot of effort to bring up things from my various lists I'd made. I saw his actions backing up his words.

Having said all that, my bf and I did recently have some issues. Guess what? None of it had anything to do with any of that stuff I just posted!!! It had to do with everyday life stress and how we each handle stress. We both had major things going on with our respective careers and little arguments kept getting blown out of proportion. We took each other for granted. My bf saw it as a loss of tenderness toward each other. And when he told me that, I was crushed at what we had let happen.

The thing I've learned and I will pass on is that after all the arguments and shit, we both were a little different -- we had to look at each other and fall in love all over again -- regain that tenderness. I guess now I'm not so focussed on an itemized list as much as the overall feel or tone of our relationship.

Well, just wanted to add my thoughts to your discussion. Hope it helps someone. :redface: