Moving together(need an advice guys, dont know what to do)

[InfeRno]

Hey there buddies!

Certainly I'm not the first who says: I need an advice, help. But yeah, I dont know how to act and what to do.
I'm in a relationship with 29 y.o guy already for a year. Everything seems good the only problem is that we dont't live together, not even in the same town(90 km between two). I live alone, but he lives with parents.
He is a truck driver(2-3 months at work, 1 month at home), from March 2016 he is gonna change the job, so in January he is going last time for 8 week trip.
Before me he was in a relationship with a guy, lived together in home country and later together moved to the UK. But shortly after they broke up because of this guy who started hoeing around.
So as you understand being 1 year together and not rly sharing life is quite hard. I love him very much! Cannot imagine life without him anymore. But every time I tell him that I want to move in with him, to have a family, he says that he already got his bad experience and don't want it anymore. I do understand it but he has to understand that I'm not like his ex. We're different and he knows it. We were on a vacation together, after that I want to live with him even more.
Please guys, tell me what to do, how to explain him everything, cuz I'm done, have tried to talk several times, but the answer was the same.

Thank you, looking forward for your advice!!!

[InbetweenDreams]

Well I would say he might be slow to warm up to that idea... People coming out of a relationship that ended badly usually move slower...and since he's been on the road a lot well he might feel things might be moving too fast... The other thing to take in account, people tend to like each other more when they don't have to spend all their time with each other, so moving in together could be a bad thing, that stuff takes a long time. So be patient, he might warm up to the idea later on down the road. Spending more time with each other, things like vacation are a good way to help out with that.

On the other hand he might not feel the same about you, or there could be some other issues at hand.

The only problem here I see is that I haven't had to deal with this sort of thing...unfortunately the guys in the past that I have dated weren't mature enough to handle all that. However, my experience, common sense says it takes a long time to get to a point where moving in is a possibility...I mean both have to stable in your jobs, have money saved up -- you can't have piles of credit card debit or other things.

Anyway hope this helps some... Also seems like this might be another one that got caught in the moderation queue.

[MikeW]

....Thank you, looking forward for your advice!!!

I don't know how it is that someone can ask for advice and the thread not show up for three weeks. That's terrible!

Well, it is here now so perhaps you'll FINALLY get some replies.

One lesson I've learned is you can't change other human beings. They *can* change themselves (sometimes). So, once you've presented your case to your BF, if he's not willing to live with you there really isn't a lot you can do about it. He knows what you want. You know he doesn't want the same thing.

So now what?

Well, you have to decide... can you live with the way things are? Can you accept that your BF has been badly wounded, emotionally. His heart broken. So, he's not going to risk having that happen again. Maybe someday he will. Maybe someday he will know you and trust you enough to think about living with you. But there is no guarantee.

So you have to ask yourself, can I live with the way things are? Does this work for me? If not, then you need to break things off with him and move on. On the other hand, if you can accept where he is, have compassion for it, then, although it isn't perfect, it is "better than nothing."

Every relationship involves some amount of compromise. And we all have our limited. Your friend has made his quite clear. THIS is FAR better than going along with what you want when he doesn't really want it himself. THEN things would get very messy... like what happened to him before (apparently).

Sorry, I know this may not help much. It doesn't answer how to get what you want. Perhaps you need to ask your boy friend, what will it take, and how long will it take, before he's ready to share his life that way again?

[meridannight]

okay, my take on this goes like this:

first, there is a short-term perspective and long-term perspective to this thing.

i do understand your concern, and your desire to move in a more committed direction with your partner. however, pushing it doesn't help the case that much. if he keeps continually saying no, keeping at it might just make him more obstinate.

it's only been a year. so, in the short-term, maybe give him some breathing space for a while. he has a major change coming up in March, so maybe lay off the subject at least until then, see how he handles the new circumstances. and then try again when the time seems right.

if he is the right guy, if there is a connection between you two and you are committed to each other, this is a small matter in the short-term. in the long-term, however, if he categorically refuses to move in with you, just because of a past bad experience, if he intends to keep up a long distance relationship with you for an interminable future....that is not a very encouraging perspective. i can absolutely understand how that would be a deal-breaker in a relationship.

in the end, if and when this long-distance/separate-living thing becomes unacceptable to you, you don't have many alternative courses of action to choose from. can't tell you what to do. you have to recognize your own limits, standards, and tolerance in this situation.

[InfeRno]

Thank you guys!!
Yeah it's terrible that it showed up so late.
Anyway, in these 3 weeks lot of things have changed. First of all, we talked about it. A lot. And now he suggested to move in together himself. When i asked why, that he didnt want to, the reply was that he has always wanted just afraid of that i could do the same terrible things as his ex did. I convinced him that he cannot comapare us. We are different.
Just today, he left for his last 7 week shift asba truck driver. I asked him once more if he is readyvand sure about what will happen in March as he's gonna be baxk. And he told yes. So starting from March we're(hopefully) going to live together!
However it's killing that we won't see each other for so long. Can't find a place for myself. Feeling terrible.. :-S

[meridannight]

well, that's good news then. good luck! hopefully things will work out.

i never understood how some people think one person is ground on which to make decisions about other people in their lives. it doesn't add up. i've had good and bad experiences with people, and not one of them was like the others. every one is different and consequently my relationship with them is different and unique.

and everybody is capable of hurting you. that's a basic fact of life. you can't wrap yourself up in some protective shield and isolate yourself from men just because you might end up hurt, without losing on the quality of life in the process. it's always worth it to at least try.

[MikeW]

...Anyway, in these 3 weeks lot of things have changed. First of all, we talked about it. A lot. And now he suggested to move in together himself....Can't find a place for myself. Feeling terrible.. :-S

Good news

Well you can keep coming back and just hanging out with us. That is one way to kill the time. Some members play games and stuff. I don't have much of a social life at my age so hanging out on line is a kind of substitute.