Kindy, you said you adopted your son when he was 12. Do you know his full history from birth until 12?
I'm sure his therapist, if he is any good at all, probably needed to know that, too.
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I am not clear...is your son and your boyfriend similar in age?
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The reason I asked about his life before you is because his behaviors may have nothing to do with your ex-wife or you. There could be problems with birth parents or foster homes. Then he gets adopted and that home breaks up. I'd be surprised if he didn't have problems. Poor kid.
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I think it's wonderful that you chose to adopt an older child out of foster care. The odds of that are slim and none. His life will always be better knowing that someone loved him enough to make him their child. Nobody's parenting is perfect, and I HIGHLY doubt the majority of this behavior is because of you. Don't beat yourself up if you feel like you could have prevented this, but I've seen this before with foster children. Sounds like you are doing everything you can now to support him, and see how how to improve things.
I taught troubled children for ten years. Most of the kids that had endured a lot throughout their lives were the most difficult to help. Many had to be so strong to survive, that they are pros at hiding any emotion (except for anger). Your son has been through a TON. He's definitely got abandonment issues, and probably more. He's got to have a lot of trauma. Is this new behavior? If so, your moving out, coming out, school and your boyfriend have triggered something. Maybe things aren't going well between your ex and him, but you really should support her. Divorced parents getting along, and spending time together with their child/children is so important for the kids. If he's asking you to come spend time at your exes, you should. Why is that a problem? You really should do that for him. Try putting his needs above yours. I've seen great co parenting from exes that don't care for each other. Your boyfriend is your sons peer. Keep texting, calling or visiting! Even though he doesn't respond, he wants and needs to know you will not give up. You're only seeing him a handful of days, and he needs more from you right now. With all of these changes, he needs to know your love is still the same. Your partner really needs to take a back seat now. Your time with him probably makes your son feel slighted. DONT feel guilty. You're chipping away at a pretty big wall he has built around his self.
You and your ex should be on the same page. You need consistency between both houses. He only wants your love and attention. Try to give him more of your time.
Going to a psychiatric ward for anger doesn't seem appropriate. That could really push him to the edge. Try to discuss his aggressive behavior towards your wife in therapy. You've got to have a plan before that ever takes place again. That's a deal breaker that can't be taken lightly. If he doesn't do it with you, maybe he should switch places until things are better. Your wife's safety has to be there. None of this is easy, but foster kids can have many issues that aren't their fault.
I wish you the best, and hope your family continues to become closer. I hope some of this helps. This is from my experience with teenage foster kids at school. I knew their lives, and had to learn ways to get them to trust that I cared for them. Once we broke through barriers, they were able to express themselves to me. They definitely had their days, even after we had bonded. Sometimes they wouldn't talk at all, but they still wanted to know that I was there. They want unconditional love, even after they've acted out. One more thing, they will take any kind of attention- good or bad.
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16yo son acting out
