How do I seem to be single while everyone else finds it so easy?

[shykid25]

How is it that people can find guys to date so easily, while I'm over here struggling to find a guy to talk to me let alone date me. I see people who get out of relationships and they already have a new boyfriend. What is their secret?

I just found out that my ex is already in a relationship however it's been almost a year since we broke up (6month together before he destroyed my heart) so how is it he has someone and I don't.* What is it that I'm doing wrong?

Do I not go out to the gay bars and clubs enough? Do I just not get out enough maybe? Or am I just too dependent on apps? I see people find it so easy for them to find people to talk to and then date. There has to be a reason why it takes me such a long time to find a guy to date or even begin to talk to. What's the deal, it's so unfair that I can't find a date like ever.

I don't like the apps but I use them. I don't go out to the clubs or bars often or at all really. (My friends don't like going, neither do I) but I'm too afraid to drive there on my own. When I hangout with my friends we usually just go to the mall on rare occasions, out to dinner (way too much) or just stay at home.

What should I do, to help me meet more people so I can begin to date people because it's ridiculous how I'll be single for like 2 years and then I'll find someone who'll just play me or just disappear. I feel like I'm going to be alone forever and it's so depressing how people just want to be my friend or just not talk to me. I cry every night especially since I just found out that my ex who I loved very much is with someone else and I'm not. Like how is it that he found someone and I didn't.

How do I approach someone in public? What do I say? Especially at a club or bar or the mall or even anywhere. I'm so tired of my single life and being single for so long. It's so depressing to know that I have no one special to text or even date. Why is it that I'm such a loser that I can never find someone to date while everyone else can?

[Anocxu]

You seem to perceive dating as if it's picking up produce at the farmer's market.

Dating is not easy..
Finding a date and keeping him/ her to an extent where a solid relationship can take roots is not easy either.

By the way men are overrated..

I think you should get a puppy..

Hugs.

[Fuzzy]

You gotta get out there and talk to people!
Smile!
Sell yourself (not literally)!

start a conversation, if things go good keep it up and finally ask if they want to do something after work or w/e. Be smooth, DO NOT go in thinking "im going to fail, they are better than me, etc"... go in there as "im king of this planet these guys get off at night thinking i MAY give them the time of day!" but this doesn't mean be snudy, just drip with confidence!

But if you dont go out often and if you dont put yourself out there to be bought, of COURSE you are never going to sell! Advertising man advertising!


You can seiriously strike up a convo easy, take for example last night I walked into a grocery store at 9:50pm.
I see a guy in the front that worked there, and I walked over and asked "does the store close at 10 or 11?"
He gave a short laugh and said "we close at 11 but usually people walk in at 10:59 and dont care."

I smiled and replied that I completely understood and that I had people do me that way before and I hated to do it to others.
Then he asked me If I worked at a grocery store, to which I said no, but I worked at a restaurant.
we talked for about 15 minutes, about nothing grandiose.

now that convorsation was totally NOT planned but if you start a conversation with a question pick the guy your interested in and see where it goes
smile
smile
smile
and listen to him, relate if you can then respond easy peasy

[Insertnamehere]

Well, I'm single so there goes your "everybody else finds it easier".

To be completely pragmatic with you, I tell you it's impossible to make such a bold statement without any statistically significant assessment to back it up.

In the "similar threads" part down here, you'll find this:

https://gayspeak.com/showthread.php?t=30360

Take a read.

Now, if you find ridiculous and unbearable to be single for 2 years then I guess me being single for my 28 years should be a causal for suicide or something.

So, I have, first and foremost (and I hope successfully), provided you with some perspective.

Now, I would like to throw in some advice: stop concerning yourself with whatever everyone else is doing. Stop comparing yourself to others, stop measuring yourself using everybody else as a standard. Stop minding what the ex does.

You are an individual and you are you, not everyone else.

And the third part: I can't tell you what you do wrong nor anybody else here, because we're not there with you assessing your dates. Perhaps you can describe a few scenarios for that purpose.

But, the most important thing you should know. dating is a complicated matter, precisely because we are all very different people.

Don't fall in the pit of despair. This isn't a race. Take your time and enjoy the process because if it's only going to be stressful to you, then you might as well stay single and not do it.

If you try and keep at it you will eventually find what you seek. Be patient.

Fourth: How to do it?

That is a personal thing. People will throw the usual "get out more, be proactive" kind of advice, but that is not meant for everyone. Not everyone is social enough to find that appealing.

If you enjoy gay bars, try there. If you find easier using apps, do that. If you enjoy going to the beach, walk around the park, going out to a museum, then do those things. Do an activity that suits YOU, something that you feel comfortable doing.

And then, mind your sorroundings. Who is there? What kind of people can I meet here? Maybe you'll lock eyes with someone and share a smile. Maybe you'll find yourself discussing a book with a guy in a book store. Who knows?

But make it enjoyable for you. The goal is the same: trying to find someone. But the environment must be something that's suitable for you.

That's my take on the matter anyway.

[MikeW]

...Why is it that I'm such a loser that I can never find someone to date while everyone else can?

IDK. Is it because you compare yourself to other people and always come up "short"... a "looser" like you said? The guys here can certainly give you advice for what has worked for them. But we don't know why you're in your predicament. It could be that it doesn't have anything intrinsically to do with YOU. Could just as well be 'luck'... that is random chance.

But basically we don't know you well enough to say. There are so many things that play into the equation. Self confidence (or lack thereof) being a huge part of it. Since you call yourself "shy kid" I'm assuming you see yourself as shy. I can relate to that, actually. I think a lot of guys can.

But -- as a general rule -- being shy isn't going to get you what you want. So the question is, why are you shy? Or, maybe, what are you shy of?

Lets talk. See if we can figure this out. Maybe we can find you a BF. Lord only knows Hollywood of all places should be crawling with potential.

[shykid25]

I just find it difficult to go up to someone and start a conversation when I find a guy attractive. That's my issue or even if they are gay or not depending on my location.

[aaaa1aaaaaa]

ive been single my entire life. 24 this year, and i feel like ill die alone and never have a relationship.

BUT in terms of confidence and finding myself, what I did was focus all my energy into creating a mindset where i lived within my passions of life; my confidence was immense and i could do anything.

It helped me create this 'other' me, where I didnt give a flying f... about anyone else, and all attention was on me. Not saying you should become someone else other than who you are, but find that medium where you can be proud of yourself and not think of yourself as a loser.

[MikeW]

I just find it difficult to go up to someone and start a conversation when I find a guy attractive. That's my issue or even if they are gay or not depending on my location.

Ok, well, I suspect that is very common. I know I'm shy around men I'm attracted to. But the question is, what can or do you want to try to do about it?

Life demands that we take risks. Just getting up and going out your door to work is taking a risk. Who knows what might happen, right? But we do it because we have to.

So... how is that *actually* different from striking up a conversation with a total stranger, one you're attracted to? There's the risk that they won't be interested, that we'll end up feeling totally awkward and foolish, that we'll get rejected or shut down in some way.

But I have to ask... short of some physically violent reaction (which is rare these days) SO WHAT if we feel embarrassed or awkward or get rejected? SO FUCKING WHAT?

This is where it gets interesting...how it is that we internalize things. Hold ourselves back. Keep ourselves locked up in cages of our own making.

It is possible to experiment with taking these risks in such a way that chances are very high that we will NOT get hurt in any way.

For example, why not experimenting with striking up a conversation with someone you're NOT attracted to. Why do that? Well, to begin to get used to the whole thing. Its far less threatening when there's nothing much at stake. Right?

There's much more we could talk about ... just keep coming back and talking with us.

[starlight]

Im ok talking to people just not keeping them, even if we have a conversation with no negativity nor anything that could put people off. I get told by everyone im always smiling and happy and when i say im fed up for example to a shop woman near where i work she said you, fed up? wow and i said yes i am all the time, she said you never show it at all, your a great guy who makes everyone laugh. Yet with all this happiness i am single and always have been, i recently "dated" but that went sour for some reason i do not know.

I am very wary of guys, i mean i wouldnt trust anyone in my town for personal reasons, i say i am bi, most people call me gay but i tend to like the "label" "fluid" for instance i made alot and i mean alot of lads jealous when i was out in a club practically bumping and grinding with their girlfriends, i know my limits and how close i will get to people which inst close and i would never take advantage of that where "gays" can get close to women. It was fun i will say but aye well, i know no women or guys could ever or will ever be attracted to me to form a relationship due to other reasons also.

I have been left out to dry too many times on different levels with different people, so as i say that shades my view. I have been laughed at and people have seemed scared of me and i am acting a social norm when that is happening to me so i have not a clue what is going on, i know my school days affected my dating views too.

Anyway my point after i drifted of and went on a rant is, your not alone. (i hate being told that though)

[irishbritish]

I agree with all the posts here. I used to compare myself with other people and that only leads to misery! You have one quality that I notice and that is you want someone real. I'm in a similar situation, but my perspective is that it will happen when it will happen.

Right now, I go to the gym to help me feel better and clear my mind. I also will be joining a yoga class for not only that, and for myself. I like challenging myself.

Perhaps you can meet guys at a gym, however if you do that, I recommend making sure it's a big gym where than can be potentially many people, or many "fish in the sea". Don't go there for that reason, but with the only intention you want to feel good. Gyms aren't generally dating grounds, but things can happen with the right chemistry.

As other posts have stated, everyone has their own pace and their own interests and are different. Most people I've met enjoy some things in common and the rest you could just compromise.

Whatever you do, follow your gut instincts!