Venting/Too shy to talk to my Long Distance Relationship over webcam

[FXWarrior48]

So, I've known this guy since late march or so. After about a month of meeting we decided to form a long distance relationship. This is the first time I have ever really felt like I loved someone, so needless to say, this past month has really felt like the best month of my life. We have so much things in common. We've sent pictures, videos, we talk every single day, and all day during the weekends. We talked for the past week about meeting in person, and we decided that the best idea would be sometime in the fall, in a couple months. I'm flying across the US to stay with him for about a week.

Well, then the hard part came. We decided to webcam. Hell, I was even the one to offer in the first place. So that it wouldn't be awkward we even decided that we'd play a game together. And when we finally started I froze up. We just silently played the game for the next half hour before I bailed out and had to quickly turn of the webcam living him disappointed. It was a horrible HORRIBLE experience. I even teared up a bit after he told me that he had I thought I was more comfortable with him.

We quickly made up after all that and continued our conversations as usual, even though I know he was more hurt than he let on. We agreed to try again in the future.

I'm not normally a shy person, and I have absolutely no problem with how I look, so I have no idea what came over me. I act the same over the internet as I do in person(just a tad more quiet) so I have nothing to hide. It was almost like the thought of him actually looking at me was too much the bear.

I guess this is mostly just me venting to myself, but if anyone who webcams could give me some advice for this that would be very helpful.

[Insertnamehere]

When I first skyped with someone it was f*cking stressful. It was really nerve wrecking, but eventually I got over it. The other person knew, cause I said as much, so there wasn't any pressure.

You should probably let him know that is not personal with him, cause he might be taking it that way. Then, you try again, bit by bit, just start with small conversation and eventualy escalate. But let him know that you need it to be that way, I'm sure he will understand.

[starlight]

I have skype 1 person 1 time and i felt uncomfortable with the video call but not with the person.

[MikeW]

...I'm not normally a shy person, and I have absolutely no problem with how I look, so I have no idea what came over me. I act the same over the internet as I do in person(just a tad more quiet) so I have nothing to hide. It was almost like the thought of him actually looking at me was too much the bear. ...

Ok, so you had a "freak out" (as we used to call such things ages ago)... Things like this happen sometimes. We don't know why. We want to do something that is both exciting and scary and we just can't get past whatever is holding us back. Usually it's because we have a big (and perhaps "unconscious") emotional investment in the outcome. In this instance, for example, maybe you're afraid of rejection. Or maybe you're afraid of the opposite, afraid of what it might mean if, to the country, you *really* like one another. OMG then what! I don't know the reason, no one does... Well, maybe you can figure it out an tell us, but for sure none of us know till you do.

I do think its important that you get across to your friend that this isn't about *him*... it's about you, about your taking a risk that somehow feels bigger and riskier than "rationally" it ought to. IDK, but I'd suspect he could take this personal if you're not really clear about it.

I'm confident you will cam/Skype with this guy and get to know him better. You're 21 (right?) and I'll assume you haven't dated much (at all?) IRL. So it is a big huge deal to you. For him it may be very different. Maybe NBD at all. You just have to get yourself to a place where you can "decloak" and be ok with whatever comes after that.

[FXWarrior48]

Thank you, MikeW. What you said really helped me quite a bit with how I feel over this whole ordeal. Yes, i'm 21, and he's 25. We haven't dated, or even met each other in person, yet. But as I said, we plan to meet in Aug or Oct. I think you also hit the nail on the head when you said that in the back of my mind I was probably afraid of rejection. He's admittedly, a very blunt person who will say anything that he feels needs to be said, even if they seem cold and harsh. I guess I was afraid he would find the way I acted awkward or clumsy.

I hate to say this, but late last night we had a bit of an argument where I brought up that I'd wish he would have encouraged me more since he knew I was shy going into it and out of it. In his defence though, just before the ordeal, he did offer multiple times to save the webcam for later if it was making me uncomfortable but I went ahead and did it anyways because I wanted to try and get over my anxiety. After we did go on webcam, all he had to say about it was that he was annoyed, disappointed, and thought that I was more comfortable with him.

I tried telling him that I was completely comfortable with him and that I wish he would have said something like "Hey, it's alright." or "There's nothing to worry about.", to make me feel better instead of the, "well this was disappointing" quote. His response to that was anger and accusing me of turning the argument around on him, even after I apologized and tried telling him that I know it's my fault, and i'm the type of person who needs more affection than others.

But as I said, he's a very blunt person who says whatever is is on his mind. The line that really stood out to me the most was when he said, "The only person responsible for how you feel about yourself is you. That may be harsh and cold, but it's something that took me a while to figure out too."

I don't know if I believe that, especially after he told me about the his past relationships and he much he's told me that they made him feel like shit, but it's definitely something i'm going to think over.

[InbetweenDreams]

I don't normally do Skype calls but one guy who I dated loved using Skype. I always felt there was something missing even though you could hear and see them. Just something better about being in person. It always seemed like I would run out of things to day, but I suspect that was more of a chemistry issue between us than an issue strictly due to using Skype.

[MikeW]

Thank you, MikeW. What you said really helped me quite a bit with how I feel over this whole ordeal. Yes, i'm 21, and he's 25. We haven't dated, or even met each other in person, yet. But as I said, we plan to meet in Aug or Oct. I think you also hit the nail on the head when you said that in the back of my mind I was probably afraid of rejection. He's admittedly, a very blunt person who will say anything that he feels needs to be said, even if they seem cold and harsh. I guess I was afraid he would find the way I acted awkward or clumsy.

I hate to say this, but late last night we had a bit of an argument where I brought up that I'd wish he would have encouraged me more since he knew I was shy going into it and out of it. In his defence though, just before the ordeal, he did offer multiple times to save the webcam for later if it was making me uncomfortable but I went ahead and did it anyways because I wanted to try and get over my anxiety. After we did go on webcam, all he had to say about it was that he was annoyed, disappointed, and thought that I was more comfortable with him.

I tried telling him that I was completely comfortable with him and that I wish he would have said something like "Hey, it's alright." or "There's nothing to worry about.", to make me feel better instead of the, "well this was disappointing" quote. His response to that was anger and accusing me of turning the argument around on him, even after I apologized and tried telling him that I know it's my fault, and i'm the type of person who needs more affection than others.

Ok... we need to talk about this a bit and try and clarify what's going on here... but lets go on with what you wrote:

But as I said, he's a very blunt person who says whatever is is on his mind. The line that really stood out to me the most was when he said, "The only person responsible for how you feel about yourself is you. That may be harsh and cold, but it's something that took me a while to figure out too."

I don't know if I believe that, especially after he told me about the his past relationships and he much he's told me that they made him feel like shit, but it's definitely something i'm going to think over.

Alright so first of all as a matter of disclosure (since you're new here and don't know me very well), I'm a very blunt person myself. Sometimes to the point where other forum members take offense at my words, or directness. OTOH, as many will attest, I can also be patient, diplomatic and supportive.

What I want to address is your friend's position that "The only person responsible for how you feel about yourself is you."

The operative word in that sentence is responsible.

It is perfectly legitimate for you to wish others would be gentler and more supportive. As you said, "...I wish he would have said something like "Hey, it's alright." or "There's nothing to worry about.", to make me feel better..." But there's a problem here. I think (and understand I could be totally wrong, I wasn't there, I don't really know either of you), the reason your friend got irritate with you at that point is -- at base -- you're asking him to take responsibility for your feelings.

This is a very tricky interpersonal dynamic. On one hand, as I say, it is perfectly alright of you to ask others to be sensitive and supportive of your needs. But, at the same time, you need to understand WHAT you're asking. In a sense you're placing the responsibility for how you feel (in general and more specifically about yourself) on your partner's shoulders. Its now up to HIM to make you feel ok.

I believe this is what he's trying to get you to understand.

You're absolutely right to think that what other people say CAN affect how you feel very directly. I can insult you verbally and, if I know you well enough, find your most sensitive 'ego corns' and stop on them full force. I can berate you, belittle you make light of you, ignore you, I can do all kinds of things to directly negate your sense of self worth.

That said, how you feel about yourself remains YOUR responsibility, not mine (or anyone else's). Sure, we all feel better when we're complimented, stroked, taken into consideration, made to feel good about ourselves. Conversely, we all at lest TEND to feel like shit when someone criticizes, derides, ignores or makes fun of us. We're all subject to being INFLUENCED, emotionally, by a thousands things around us -- including how other people speak to us or react to us.

But IF I take the position that how I feel about myself is someone else's responsibility, then my happiness will ALWAYS be dependent on someone or something outside myself.

Can you see how dis-empowering that is? How that is a set-up for being manipulated...even controlled... by people outside myself?

I'm going on at length about this because what we're dealing with here are interpersonal and communication concepts that aren't apart of the day-to-day dialogue of most people. MANY (if not most) relationships FAIL because the people involved in them do not know how to communicate. Obviously by "communicate" I mean something more than "talk". Yeah, sure, we all know how to talk... but communication is more than that.

The way I put it is, to communicate with anyone on something other than a superficial level (that is, talking about inconsequential matters), i must know my own truth (what is true for me) and I must be able to state that truth clearly and emphatically. THEN... it is up to whomever I'm relating to to HEAR that truth. It works the other way around, too. My partner needs to be able to state his truth and I need to be able to HEAR what his truth is.

This is a HUGE discussion that really requires a book that I'm not at all prepared to write. Suffice it to say that, in this case, YOUR TRUTH was you felt insecure about meeting your friend on Skype. There is nothing to be ashamed of here. It is simply what is/was true for you in that moment. Your friend stated what was true for him... his disappointment. It wasn't what you wanted or would have preferred to hear... but it WAS his truth.

All relationships revolve around being able to say and hear one another's truth... and hopefully accept that truth without EITHER blaming one's self or the other. For example you said it was your "fault"... no... don't think of it as a fault. it is simply a fact. It was how you felt in that moment. That feeling was a truth. You expressed it. Then you felt something else. Your friend had his own feelings... all are equally legitimate and real to those experiencing them. No fault. No blame. It just IS what IS.

At a certain point we have to learn to accept ourselves as we are ... and hopefully lean to accept others as they are as well. THEN there is the possibility of true friendship. Perhaps even love.

[FXWarrior48]

Thank you very much, MikeW. You know, if you haven't written a book on this, you should really consider it, because I would buy it in a heartbeat. Reading what you wrote there really opened my eyes to many things I think I was deliberately trying not to think about. I'm sorry it took a while to reply to your message, but I was going through some personal stuff(nothing regarding this whole ordeal) and didn't really find the time to come back here until now.

Pretty much, the conclusion I came to was to write down a formal apology. I did bring up that I sometimes wished he were a bit gentler and more supportive of me at times, but I was in the wrong for making him the one responsible for my own feelings. Looking back on it, I now realize it was almost entirely on me and I know the entire ordeal could have been avoided had I just said the right things at the time.

He accepted the apology on the spot and said that everything was fine, so everything has been going just fine between he and I since then. We agreed to try going on webcam sometime in the future when I feel a bit more comfortable with it, but until then, we decided we'd rather spend our weekends having fun together like we usually do by playing games, or just chatting.