First time, unsure how to proceed?

[unsuredoge]

Hello all - I've read some other posts on this forum - many people in a similar situation, with many different suggestions.

I'm 21, never had a serious relationship with anybody. I had a girlfriend for about a year in high school but it never really went anywhere. Seriously, holding hands (she initiated) was as far as we got. At some point I just was like I am not interested in continuing this or whatever.

Since then, it's become very clear to me that I'm gay. I finally decided that I wanted to try meeting somebody - well, I finally connected with somebody on Match.com, we chatted online, and he invited me out to lunch! We then walked and talked for an hour or so and then he had a job interview so had to leave.

The next day, we spontanously went on a hike and talked some more.

Then, on Friday, we took the ferry to the city and did more walking and talking.

Problem is, now I'm not sure where to go from here. On the first meeting (date?) he asked me what I wanted out of this and I kind of was just like uum... and said something pretty lame.

To me the next step would be to hold hands with him. Unfortunately, I can't see to do that! When we went on a hike the trail was narrow and it would have been impractical. When we took the ferry and wandered around the city a bit there were a few opportunites that handholding would have worked but he had a closed fist the whole time... not in an aggressive way, maybe he just walks that way? But I kind of chickened out. I tried walking kinda close to him, brushing arms, "acidentally" bumping into him ever so slightly - but I don't think he got it.

We get along well - we're pretty different people but we have no problem talking in person, though when texting or chatting on the computer he really just wants to play computer games with his friends than chat with me. Like, we'll be chatting back and forth about random stuff (nothing flirtatous), and he'll be like, oh, my friends want to hop on a game so i'll be back later.... I've played Overwatch with him (only bought it for that reason) with him and his friends and they're all nice people but in mind if he was really into me he would be like hang on guys I'm busy and will be on in a few mins instead of just telling me he'll be back later. Am I being paranoid?

Basically my problem now is we might be meeting up tomorrow to go to the fair - something I have no interest in really but I'm more interested in spending time with him than turning down an opportunity to do so.

Thing is, I'm definitely interested in him, and I want to go from just a friend to being together, but I'm not sure if he wants to. I'm a very direct person - if I have a question, I ask it/tell it like it is. But, I'm afraid to just be like, so, "where do you want to take this relationship or do you just want to be friends, because i really like you". That just seems like it would be rude and uncool! Since I've never wanted or been in a "real" relationship before I don't know to recognize whether he feels the same way about me as I do about him.

Basically, what I'm trying to say is, he is happy to sit next to me, looks me in the eye when he talks to me, and smiles at me, but doesn't seem to want to move forward - while I literally haven't done anything but think about him since the first time I met him! I'm naturally a very impatient person - should I be patient? Should I give up? I don't want to end up in the "friend zone" but if he really just doesn't love me then it would be really awkward to tell him I love him, try to hold hands, kiss, etc.

Would love input from people who might have been in a similar situation and got past it. Thanks in advance!

[Borg69]

Maybe he's just as shy, nervous, and insecure as you are... wanting to take the next step but not knowing how/when, or if it's ok with you, or hoping you'll be the aggressive one so he doesn't have to.

Maybe he just wants to be platonic friends.

If you want answers, you have to ask... but you have to be prepared for answers you don't want too.

You're young and just starting out. There are a billion guys out there. Be aggressive and go find the right one.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

I think that humans are going to be the first species to think themselves extinct, rationalizing how to go about a basic, primary imperative to pair off and mate leads to less mating, which will eventually lead to less humans.

Or worse, it will lead to Idiocracy , a funny way to paint a very real potential future which is really happening in the First World now.

You are going to think your germinating relationship into the grave if you think too much.

Relationships are not steered as in the sense that a cargo ship is propelled and guided across the ocean. Its more like being in a kayak going down the most bad-ass rapids where the oars are there to simply keep you upright, the river takes you where its going to take you.

There is a reason why its called "falling in love" because liked falling from a high place, once its start you have no way to control it. Ironically, as in falling off a tall building sooner or later there is this sudden, devastating stop which does lots of damage. Trust me, that sudden stop is as rewarding and educating as the whole helpless falling thing.

.... and I have this bridge I want to sell ya if you bought that last sentence.....

I will say this much, you need to look at yourself in the mirror and while looking yourself in the eye ask yourself, "What do I want from this?"

Then expand on that, what do you want from a relationship. Period?

once you start figuring it out, write down a list of all expectations, then next to it right down what you think is realistic to expect. If you are sane the last list will be much, much shorter than the first and any relationship that is decent will be a great one at it will exceed your expectations.

Secondly, texting kills relationships. its the most unsocial way humans have learned how to communicate running a close second to the little thing we call war. No I retract that last statement, at least wars make it clear how one really feels... chat - not so much.

I say go with the flow with the no-chatting thing. Let him have his damned games. But tell him that you would like him to call and talk more often because that is apparently one thing you want out of 'this'.

The next time you are face to face (no don't text this conversation or I will Elf slap you so hard your descendants will all be dizzy (er?) Ask him questions, be upfront and honest, tell him he is the first guy you have dated dated and you are looking for a relationship but have no idea how one is suppose to work.

He most likely will be flattered and swell up with pride because he has you on the hook AND he knows that you want to make this work with HIM. Trust me, men are so easy to control....

[MikeW]

............. I don't want to end up in the "friend zone" but if he really just doesn't love me then it would be really awkward to tell him I love him, try to hold hands, kiss, etc. ........!

Woah.... slow down. This is someone you've spent some time with. You have a crush on him. He may or may not have the same feelings. But LOVE? Seriously? Yeah, I get it, you have a crush. You like the guy. You'd like to date him, maybe even go steady... but one thing at a time. As a general rule (there may be exceptions) LOVE (real love, not lust or infatuation) takes TIME.... rather a lot of it.

I get flack from this from the young guys here but I'm of the general opinion (and I grant there may be exceptions) that MOST young gay men should not even be THINKING in terms of "relationship". You have NO IDEA what that actually means. You have some romantic fantasy about finding your prince charming and living happily ever after.

Well, real life doesn't work like that for anyone -- gay or straight.

I point out that most teenagers begin dating at what 13 nowadays? Obviously it varies but as a general rule straight teens begin the process 5 to 10 years before their gay counter parts. Thus, by the time they're 20, they've already been through dating, crushes, going steady, cheating, breaking up, getting back together (or not) and all that stuff. Most gay guys don't even begin to do that till they're your age.

OK... so you met this guy and you've gone on a few dates. GREAT! FANTASTIC! Does he want to spend every waking moment with you? No. Why would he? He has his friends, his life, his hobbies, etc. (So should you, BTW.) Hopefully you'll spend more time together. Hopefully you'll go on more dates, do more interesting things together. Maybe at some point you'll say, "I'd like to hold your hand," or maybe the opportunity will arise where it feels right to exchange kisses. IDK. But to say you're in love with him? Unless you're getting very clear and strong signals back that he feels the same way (you're not, obviously) I wouldn't go there.

Yeah. Patience. Oh, sure, you can tell him how you feel but if he doesn't feel the same way that' likely to just feel awkward. Lots of guys just don't move that fast. (A good thing, IMO. Far less drama later on when you begin to discover Prince charming's shit stinks. As everyone's does. And you either learn to live with it, possibly even love it, despite it all. And yes, that's a metaphor... we ALL have baggage of one sort and another.)

THE most important thing in any relationship is to know what is true for you in any given moment. OK, so you have a crush on this guy. Know it. Accept it. It is what it is. Now, how does he feel? What's true for him? Are you open to that? Even if he doesn't feel exactly the same? That doesn't mean things can't move forward. But it has to be a process that works for you both. If you get frustrated, then you're going to have to talk about that. You feel you're not getting what you want. OK. Well... but didn't he ask you what you wanted and you hemmed and hawed about it? Now you feel you know what you want? But *do you* REALLY?

My advise is to just date. Let things take their natural course. If it moves into a "friend zone" well, then so be it. If not, fine. As we say "It's all good." Sometimes we get what we want, sometimes we don't, but pretty much we all get what we deserve.

Relationship? Are you READY to make life decisions with another guy? Sacrifices? Joint bank accounts!? I seriously doubt it. Don't worry about all that. Just have fun. See where it goes.

[LJay]

Seems to me that verbalizing is dangerous. Let things take their course and don't worry much about defining with words.

What you want to do is to present opportunities to be physical. Watching movies or playing video games at home on the couch, for example. This is not going to work well in public because most guys are really shy about it in a public setting.

After a while--a few days or a week or so--if you feel like it, you could say, "You know know, I'd like to try some making out. Whaddya think?" If he says no then say, "Well when you are ready just say so, because I think I am even though I am nervous about it." If he says yes, go for it ASAP before you both lose your nerve.

[princealbertofb]

Hello, @unsuredoge, and to GaySpeak. How old is this person you are talking about? Are they your age or younger? If you are older, he might be expecting you to take the lead, because technically you should have had a bit more experience, it doesn't always compute that way, but hey, it's the logic of being older. There is no shame in being a virgin, though, so maybe it would be just as well to just admit that you are both equally inexperienced. You can let things run with your feelings.

You're a Taurus, says your profile, so you are probably more patient than you say and also you would tend to be very sensuous / sensual (makes for good love making), so maybe there are things there to explore. Things that could start you on a journey of hugging, touching, caressing, kissing before you move on to more serious stuff. Just make sure he feels comfortable with whatever you do together and back off if he's not feeling it, or not comfortable with the situation. Let things progress naturally.

There is also, nothing wrong with coming prepared, ie having the right tools with you in case it goes further than expected ( I hope you know what I'm alluding to). Better to be safe than sorry. You can also not use any of it, and just hold hands and gaze into each other's eyes, which is also fine... for a while, if you're not craving it too much.

Good luck finding whatever it is that makes you both tick.

[princealbertofb]

Hello all - I've read some other posts on this forum - many people in a similar situation, with many different suggestions.

Problem is, now I'm not sure where to go from here. On the first meeting (date?) he asked me what I wanted out of this and I kind of was just like uum... and said something pretty lame.

Thanks in advance!

@unsuredoge, I think if you reckon what you answered the other day was pretty lame, you can always reassess... Tell him that you've thought more carefully about the question he asked you and give him your current answer, which, of course, will have evolved from that first time he asked you. You're entitled to change your mind and to have a new opinion about things, because, precisely as I said, things and thoughts evolve.

The conversation could go something like : "Do you remember when you asked me what I was looking for in our meetings / dates ? Well, I've given it further thought, and now I think .... " Make sure you also ask him what he expects to get from your budding relationship. It would only be fair that you give him a hearing too. You might find out if you're both on the same page.
Good luck.

This song was playing in the background and for some reason it seemed fitting, but maybe it won't be if you both like the same things.

[drobs]

Go see a movie - sit in the back row. Try the yawn - arm around the shoulder - move.



There's also the touching feet move. Touching knees move. Rest your knee and thigh against his.

How about the hand on the inner thigh move? Yep up there...
Usually that will tell him you're interested in something more.

[Darius]

He asked you early on what you wanted out of the relationship and you failed to answer him, so just tell him you have been thinking about the question lately and tell him honestly how you feel. He will let you know if you are on the same wavelength. At the very least, you can have a friend.
I think he chooses to spend time playing games with his friends because what you guys have now is very casual. Don't overthink it.
You will have to learn to accept that not every guy sees you as dating material and that is not a bad thing and you should not internalize it. None of us is perfectly mated to everyone.

If all else fails, show him your wiener.

[meridannight]

what sticks out to me in this story:

--he asked you where you wanted this thing you have to go. you gave him some nonsensical ambiguous answer from what i understand. now you're wondering why he isn't taking things forward? why are you not taking things forward? especially since you clearly want things to move further.

--next step is not necessarily holding hands. there is no blueprint to how to do this. e.g. kissing-follows-hugging-which-follows-holding-hands-which-follows-meeting, etc. if a guy asked me what the next step would be, i'd say fucking. but i also would have already made a physical move on the guy.

and say it was about holding hands -- if you want to hold his hand, then do it. the fact that he has his balled up in a fist shouldn't be a factor stopping you. just take his hand, he'll let go, and you can hold it. or hug him, kiss him goodnight, something. it isn't such a huge deal.

seems to me, the ball is in your court.