Sexuality and Settling Down

[princealbertofb]

...
In the back of my mind I was hoping to have met someone by now or came into a situation where I would have ended up being roommates with or something. Looking for that island of stability -- which you and I both know doesn't really exist.
...
Most of these folks are republicans! Secondly a lot of them have sons and daughters who live somewhere else in the country. Most of the folks are up here retired from places like Florida and so forth.

[MENTION=23180]axle2152[/MENTION]
Just as a thought, I didn't meet my partner until I was 43, so don't despair.

Sons and daughters who might help you out to move away then...

[InbetweenDreams]

That is a possibility. I have kind of looked at long distance stuff but nothing ever materialized.

Similarly and on a different note I dated a guy about 75 miles away...which about an hour and 1/2 down the road. He practically demanded to skype daily...it became exhausting as hell. If I didn't I'd get the whole "is there something wrong?" deal. So not sure how that would work out. I mean sometimes I have a lot of time on my hands to talk and do things, other times I can -- especially at work..I mean at work you're supposed to be working on things, but occasionally you get a bit of a break when it isn't busy.

It would be hard to trust people in something long distance, especially guys and seeing most of the ones I either date or talk to... Then again what do I know lol

Someone would definitely have to like me a lot more than anyone else I've been involved with and certainly would take me a lot of convincing that indeed is the case.

I'm not trying to knock down ideas and maybe I'm just coming to a consensus about things and perhaps I shouldn't be doing that.

[princealbertofb]

[MENTION=23180]axle2152[/MENTION], ok so now you're a bit older (and wiser?) you probably know what you're ready to compromise for and what you're not ready to take. That's the advantage of having a little bit of experience. Long distance relationships can work. They work when there is commitment on both sides, not too many demands on the other person's time if they haven't got it, and if you can manage your libido without having to count on 'extra-marital' affairs (unless you have an understanding with your partner, that that isn't the biggest issue in the couple).
I thought that since your social groups seem to be older, they might help you to settle somewhere else where they have a son or daughter who'd be ready to help, or employ you, or give you a start... You can always air the idea that you'd like to move. Someone might make things easier for you, if they know what you're looking for.

[InbetweenDreams]

That is true. It would seem to be a bit far reaching but you never know. Right now I think the best thing to do while I think on things is to get my financials straightened up. I'm just in a good bit of debit and have an expensive car. I guess you live and you learn.

[Thundanton]

Finding someone compatible can be hard I agree, especially that I am also an introvert that refuses to lower his standards. It only made it worse that when I did once lower for someone, he turned out to be a compulsive obsessive maniac. Then I said never again. I also refuse to go to the big cities even though I have a chance to do so, but it's because I know what kind of people I'll find there. players, dishonest scoundrels and sex maniacs, so instead I am looking for somewhere in between. But the thing about me is that I have spent a long time alone, long enough to make me learn to enjoy my own company. I am very comfortable not being in a relationship, so I don't need to actively search for one. but I feel that this strength of mine might weaken as life goes on, so I still keep one eye open for that right person to step into my gaze.

my opinion, it doesn't really mater where you are, it's not really going to change the odds of finding the right person. I think that's determined by what point in time you are. someone can find love while not looking it, not wanting it or not needing it. love can be found in quite areas or in populated areas. by the seaside, in the city or country, just depends on when they are destined to find it. But of course we must exclude the extreme factors like when you are almost completely isolated from existence. that's just not gonna work no matter how.

[InbetweenDreams]

Well I'm not nearly as bad as I used to be in terms of introvertness...if that's a real word. I think you're absolutely correct. While moving to a more populated area might theoretically increase my odds there's also equally more of the same.

I do think I need something...someone who I can bug or go do things with... Yeah I do have have friends that I can do that with but it seems like people here are very much to themselves and get self absorbed into their own thing...which is fine I tend to do the same. It would be nice to have a partner in crime... So maybe a friend who is more inclined to do things or provide some company. Definitely need something, some sort of companionship. One of my friends owns and runs a radio station and while we do hang out and such sometimes it can be a month before I hear a peep from him... I'm also bad at starting conversations...That's probably half of it right there.

[Borg69]

I'm not sure what advice to offer.

I've certainly been where you are,a "victim of circumstances", and I've been my own worse enemy. In my case, I searched for modelesque God's that were way out of my league. Like you, I grew up in smaller towns with limited resources. Also like you, I was extremely shy and introverted.

I've seen your pictures, read your posts, seen your photography, read your passions, intelligence, humor, ... you're an attractive guy with a lot of great qualities to offer someone smart enough to see them.

... but I don't think you'd be happy in the long term settling for a female, and I don't think you're putting yourself out there enough. Looking is one step, but so is letting yourself be found.

Tweak your comfort zones and take more chances.

[LJay]

[MENTION=23180]axle2152[/MENTION], OY!, you are such a thinker and such a complicated guy that it is hard to know what to say. Of course sex is not black and white. It would be pretty dull if it were. It strikes me that you may be doing the am I gay or am I bi thing just to express to yourself your anxiousness over the whole situation of lack of sex, companionship and emotional outlet. You are a neat fellow in a part of the world that is extremely beautiful and with a rich but insular history. I could go on and on, but I think I will be very direct and just give you a list. Please react if you like. Reading what you have to say about damn near everything is always interesting.

1. Your desire to reduce your debt is a GREAT idea. Keep at it. It not only makes good money sense, it will increase you sense of security and flexibility.

2. You need to move. Facing the culture shock as well as the job challenge is rough work, but you have personal needs which are not going to be satisfied in your area. I am not just talking about relationships, I am thinking of intellectual and experiential needs. There is a big world out there and it will enrich your fine mind. Don't miss the chance. Have you made yourself aware of where to look for jobs in your present field elsewhere. Colorado might be neat, but it is not a liberal as you might think. Try Portland Oregon or Seattle or even Richmond VA if you like beer. The breweries are coming out of the woodwork! When you move, by the way, don't forget to factor in the cost of living in the new area.

3. Keep on doing stuff. You get to explore what you like. You get to meet people. You get outside of your shell. Set up a small budget for entertainment and go for it. Did you know there are bike clips that do not require special shoes? I have them. They are not great but they do help. We are beset at every turn these days by commercialism but you can resist and still have fun. Does your town have a park or a place where people jog? How about volunteering or a civic club?

4. Look at your debt with a very strong set of glasses. Ask some ruthless questions. Assuming that you are not expecting some sort of windfall from a rich uncle, you must make more or spend less, preferably both. Yes, you need some money for entertainment and the basics of food clothing and shelter, but where can you find pennies and dollars to put to good use. Do you list all of your debts so that you always know what is due when? Is everything paid on time? Have you tried keeping a detailed list of every cent you spend for a couple of months to give a good picture of where your money goes? Does all of your pocket change go into our savings account? Is you loan with the highest interest the one that is given priority when you have a few dollars to pay extra? Are you saving for retirement? Even $20 a month can add up over 40 years. All these questions about money are meant to guide you to evaluating how much flexibility you can muster.

5. All there questions are not meant to be answered here online. They are just thinking points. You think a lot. It is written all over you. Put it to good use on you own behalf.

Finally, please PM me or any of the good guys above if you have specific questions. I am constantly amazed at how people here want to exchange ideas and help others. Too bad we don't all live close by!

Best to you!

[InbetweenDreams]

1. Your desire to reduce your debt is a GREAT idea. Keep at it. It not only makes good money sense, it will increase you sense of security and flexibility.

Well that's the thing...I haven't really started. I pretty much have acknowledge that I've dug a bit of a hole. So I have to resort to doing budgets and see where I'm spending, which is pretty obvious. Trying too many hobbies and trying to do everything all at once.

2. You need to move. Facing the culture shock as well as the job challenge is rough work, but you have personal needs which are not going to be satisfied in your area. I am not just talking about relationships, I am thinking of intellectual and experiential needs. There is a big world out there and it will enrich your fine mind. Don't miss the chance. Have you made yourself aware of where to look for jobs in your present field elsewhere. Colorado might be neat, but it is not a liberal as you might think. Try Portland Oregon or Seattle or even Richmond VA if you like beer. The breweries are coming out of the woodwork! When you move, by the way, don't forget to factor in the cost of living in the new area.

Well Colorado is pretty and there is the whole legalization of marijuana... Not my entire motivation but certainly would be a change of scenery and wouldn't mind taking a toke here and there...but I also fear that could end up becoming a problem for me in terms of a habit and so forth. So there are some issues with it. Beer is good, wouldn't say I'm a fanatic...my sister is the one with the growler lol.

Cost of living is a big one, which makes where my sister lives a better idea. She can tell me first hand what it costs to move there because she's done it and it is a little more expensive. Which is why I kind of want to remain in the state, so I can remain a state employee and do what I'm currently doing in terms of work. However, while my job title and actual work I do it wouldn't be a bad idea to go after a 4 year degree which I've pretty much but in the back of my mind. So might be a good time to get on the band wagon with that.

3. Keep on doing stuff. You get to explore what you like. You get to meet people. You get outside of your shell. Set up a small budget for entertainment and go for it. Did you know there are bike clips that do not require special shoes? I have them. They are not great but they do help. We are beset at every turn these days by commercialism but you can resist and still have fun. Does your town have a park or a place where people jog? How about volunteering or a civic club?

Yeah I plan on doing what I'm doing. Just have to watch the expenses now. I don't know that I will be doing any more triathlons, that was sort of a personal bet type thing but I think I keep an effort to stay in shape and wouldn't hurt to lose some more weight... When it comes to clipless pedals and what not there are toe clips. Honestly I think I would be fine without it, just that people try to rope you into stuff because they swear by them, I get what the benefits are but with that bike I can keep up with the group (as long as the fucking chain stays on -- got to look at that, damn chain slipped off at 32 MPH).

There are things I could do for volunteering...there is meals on wheels and probably some other things but I'd have to look. Meals on wheel would be great...if I had different wheels. No offense to anyone living in the area but there are dumpy places where you can get nails and crap in your tires...or stuck for that matter... So I would probably have to find something else.[/quote]

4. Look at your debt with a very strong set of glasses. Ask some ruthless questions. Assuming that you are not expecting some sort of windfall from a rich uncle, you must make more or spend less, preferably both. Yes, you need some money for entertainment and the basics of food clothing and shelter, but where can you find pennies and dollars to put to good use. Do you list all of your debts so that you always know what is due when? Is everything paid on time? Have you tried keeping a detailed list of every cent you spend for a couple of months to give a good picture of where your money goes? Does all of your pocket change go into our savings account? Is you loan with the highest interest the one that is given priority when you have a few dollars to pay extra? Are you saving for retirement? Even $20 a month can add up over 40 years. All these questions about money are meant to guide you to evaluating how much flexibility you can muster.

I do currently get state retirement although I know it is recommended to save more because that will only cover part of it. Everything is paid on time, the problem is that I keep charging stuff to the credit cards. Some months are better than others but here lately it has been a bit crazy, mostly due to getting into the triathlon and thinking I'm going get into bicycle touring, or backpacking...It's kind of crazy because both of those things I'm pretty much new to and while at the time I bought a lot of that crap I felt like it would be a good idea... I can't really explain myself, I mean logically it would make sense to slowly get into things but I go out and feel that I need to have everything for a particular hobby at once. So who knows I may end up having a huge yard sale or sell a lot of it on eBay or something. I like the idea of doing bicycle touring but it is going to take a lot to prepare for something like that and is why I took up backpacking, I felt it would be necessary to have done some camping. I also like the idea of backpacking and be pretty much free and totally on your own.

My debt is all due to my foolishness. I didn't need to go out and buy a sports car and everything else that followed that.

My plan is to stop using both credit cards, one more so than the other if I am in a crunch. One has a promotional balance that if paid in full before the deadline would save me a good bit of money. I'd like to pay the car off early as well but things really need to be done in a particular order.

5. All there questions are not meant to be answered here online. They are just thinking points. You think a lot. It is written all over you. Put it to good use on you own behalf.

Finally, please PM me or any of the good guys above if you have specific questions. I am constantly amazed at how people here want to exchange ideas and help others. Too bad we don't all live close by!

Best to you!

Well I don't have anything that comes to mind that wouldn't be appropriate online. Then again it might not be wise to post about personal issues when there are a few folks who kind of know me and are in my neighborhood. To address that I really don't care what those people think. I think my dealings with those folks are probably all said and done anyway. That whole subject would be something not forum appropriate lol and not related to any of this, other than it does bother me on another level.

I think the questions I currently have deal with moving. Where would be a good place to live? I'm sure that is a loaded question but just don't want to waste my time looking at the wrong places. Say Colorado for instance, if there's a bunch of jerks out there why make the drive out there (other than to see the mountains and get stoned at the same time lol).

[Camfer]

There are no rewards in life without risk. I think you might be suffering from a risk deficiency.

To take some chances and deal with the consequences may serve you well. Or it may end in disaster, in which case you limp home to your parents or sister, or live in a shoebox with too many roommates.