I want to out my first lover, but I know it's wrong!

[Shmgent]

My first lover from High School used to at least talk to me every few years but now he won't even add me to Facebook or return calls or emails. I really have a raging desire to out him since I just found out he just married to a woman! I know he never wanted to acknowledge his being gay, but man he loved his cock and to get fucked. He's pretty redneck so I get it that it's still not acceptable in his circle of friends but i can see it has torn him up all these years to not accept who he is.*

Some quick facts for perspective
I am 41 and he is 40.
Our last sexual encounter was 17 years ago.
Our last contact was 3 years ago
I'm out and in a long term relationship but he was my first love and I still think of him almost every day.

My desire is to somehow get message to his redneck brothers and wife to out him without identifying myself. His brothers always suspected me but I haven't talked to them in 20 years and they don't know I'm out. I know they always suspected him also.

[princealbertofb]

Ok, [MENTION=23828]Shmgent[/MENTION], first you know it would be really uncool of you to say anything to anyone concerning your first lover. It really wouldn't be fair to him. Secondly, he may have changed. Maybe he enjoyed cock and being fucked back in the day, but maybe he was also bisexual and was / is able to enjoy a heterosexual relationship, one that can generally insure some descendants in a more straightforward way. Thirdly, I take it he is no longer involved with you either sexually or emotionally, so why the hell would you want to claim part to his life by outing him?

Honestly the only favour you could do yourself and him, would be to be there for him if he is really a closet case and if you find out that he becomes depressed from having made the wrong choice in life. You might be needed down the line of his life. Be there for him, then, if you regret what you once shared.

But he's trying to keep you and the memory of what you had out of his life, so maybe you should respect that and be the grander of the two. You, at least, know who you are and are not living a lie. But who's to say that he is living a lie? Maybe his wife knows he's bisexual, and maybe she's accepted it.

My advice really is to leave it alone. Just find some other, more honourable pursuit. Oh, and if it's leaving you with a bitter taste in your mouth, here's a hug for you
Take care.

[Borg69]

Don't be so petty. The self imposed hell he lives in is punishment enough. If you ever really cared for him, continue to think kindly of him and wish him well and leave him be. What you two shared was private and special, and should remain private. What he chooses to do with his life now is none of your business.

... and karma can be a real bitch you don't want coming back on you.

[Jason111]

Hey.

What exactly do you expect to accomplish by outing him? Even though he's a plain closeted case, not even bi, why is that any of your concern? People make choices and they pay the price for it.

The fact he's not answering your calls or emails doesn't mean you have the right to out him. You'd ruin his entire life. It's just so childish.

Honestly, if you do that you'll be no better than those homophobic pricks who out gay guys just out of spite.

Don't do it. It's SO lame.

[IanSaysHi]

I had a close friend who took joy in interfering in mine and others lives like this. It took moving away, changing my number and email address and blocking on Facebook to get rid of this negative aspect from my life. Don't be that person.

[Cobalt]

Sorry to be so blunt but, who the hell are you to out anybody? Mind your own damn business and don't be such a self righteous ass. Live your life. What he does and how he lives is up to him. If he wants to be untrue to himself then so be it.

[LONDONER]

Ditto to most of the above. Revenge in this case would not be sweet. If you were not already out what woukld you think if someone did it to you? Concentrate your energies on something more positive.

[Justaguy]

Not really much to add here except to say I'm currently not out to anyone, if somebody outed me right now to my family, my friends, the people I work with, I'm not sure I could handle it - not to sound melodramatic but I think it would ruin me.

So in short - DON'T ever out someone, you'll only cause them immeasurable pain and distress.

[East]

I agree with everything said so far and I want to add one more thing....

If you do that..it will become part of who you are ..forever...and there are no do-overs....

You will one day.. if not already ..want to look at yourself in the mirror and like who you are..be proud of yourself....

There is nothing at all to be proud of or even like if you do this. It is wrong on every level.....and you have no idea how much actual damage you can do.,...

[Darius]

While I agree with what the others have said here, I have to ask if you know if he is being faithful to his wife? If he is not, she might well be at risk of him bringing something home to her. While she is not your responsibility, a person can't help but be concerned for the innocent.

But you are not talking about this, you are talking about a form of revenge, which is not good.
Also, after all these years, you might want to stop thinking about him everyday. It indicates an obsession. Is this at least partially because you are unhappy in your LTR, as mentioned somewhere else?