Relationship With A Guy Who's Closeted?

[Gemini]

I met this guy, Ted, online and after chatting for a few weeks, we decided to meet in person. I suggested dinner at a local sports bar, but he wanted to pick up take-out and come to my place. I figured it was safe enough because I have roommates. We had a good time, I liked him and wanted to see him again. We had 3 more dates and all of them were a variation of that first night. I would suggest going out, but we always ended up at my place with take out and movies or video games.

It felt a little strange, and I started wondering if he had a bf he was cheating on or if he thought I wasn't good looking enough to be seen with or something. So I finally asked him.

Turns out, he's still in the closet. I came out at 15, so him being closeted never occurred to me.

It felt weird and I asked him how we were supposed to have a relationship if it had to be a secret . I asked why we couldn't go out because I go out with guys who are just friends and no one says anything. He said that because I'm openly gay, people might suspect something if they saw us together a lot. He's like, "They'll think I'm gay". Well duh...he IS gay. He also said he had no intention of coming out. I ended up breaking it off.

He said I was being a dick and not respecting his feelings. IDK, he has a right to live the way he wants. But so do I. And sneaking around denying my sexuality feels wrong to me.

Can relationships like that ever work? I know I did the right thing for me, but it was hard because I was getting to like him a lot.

[Cridders88]

I think you did the right thing. I cannot see a relationship like that working at all, and I certainly wouldn't pursue a long term relationship with someone that never intended to come out of the closet. That might just be me, but I came out to NOT have to sneak around for the rest of my life. You were not being a dick at all, he was being selfish expecting you to never be seen out with him and for you to sneak around forever. It is his decision of course to live that way but he shouldn't expect you to aswell.

[Justme]

Been there... done that. I'm with Cridders on this one. It's very important (Imo) that those in a relationship are on the same page. He wants something totally different from you and if you can't imagine compromising to secrecy, then you made the right choice for YOU.

The very fact that he's broken it down to you as "someone may think he's gay if seen with you" tells me he cares too much of what people think. He'll never be happy that way. Can you? And if he never plans on coming out, then he has already planned out his future with you as just his dirty little secret. The moment someone finds out the truth, he's gonna blame you.
It's a life of lies. You don't want to be a part of that.

[CorsacReborn]

I dated a guy a few months before I met my partner who wanted to remain closeted forever to his family. Once he made me aware of this I made him aware that I was not willing to pretend to be someone else if I met his family. I pretty much got called every name under the sun, the irony of being called judgemental while being judged for not being secretive was more amusing to me then anything.

You did the right thing breaking it off, no one should ever ask you to act like you're something you're not. This guy needs to also respect your feelings, from how you write the OP you give the impression that you would have never been happy with this arrangement. Also being openly gay doesn't require you to go around and tell everyone, it means that you aren't going to hide just to suit those in the outside world.

[InbetweenDreams]

Yeah I don't like the idea of closeted. To clarify, pretty much what the OP described. I get guys not being out to certain family members, work, etc and having a few boundaries. That's fine, but to refuse to go out in public, yeah fuck that noise.

Me, I'm pretty straight acting, that's just how I am, I don't mind guys being somewhat flamboyant but I don't like guys who are attention seekers. Which brings me to something that doesn't have much to do with the thread but I can't stand guys who expect me to constantly text them. I actually had someone who was messaging me briefly. I told him that I think it is fine and probably a good thing to not always talk on a constant basis. He tells immediately says it wouldn't work out for him and says he's not really looking for friends... Oh and he was about 8 years younger than me, see maturity...Oh that's the other thread lol

[TwisttheLeaf]

I have never seen a relationship work out between two people where one is in the closet, and the other isn't.

I agree with the others that you did the right thing. It's a fatal relationship incompatibility, IMO and observations.

[TigerLover]

Sounds like a fatal flaw in any relationship.

[CellarDweller]

He said I was being a dick and not respecting his feelings. IDK, he has a right to live the way he wants. But so do I. And sneaking around denying my sexuality feels wrong to me.

You deserve to be loved in the sunlight, not hidden in the shadows. You were right to end it.

[Camfer]

In a good relationship, you can depend on your partner in any situation. That can never be the case if your partner is closeted. Ending it with this guy was 100% the right choice.

Let me tell you a story. I'm a farmer and when I was first starting out, I had a greenhouse for starting all my crops, but I hadn't yet made enough money to have a backup generator. Well, one cold winter night the power went out, and stayed out for hours. Ice was forming on the ceiling of the greenhouse. In another hour, I was looking at a loss of tens of thousands of dollars, and it would have put me out of business. I knew only one person who would have a generator I could borrow that night and save all my crops. It was a f-buddy of mine, who was closeted.

Although it was late, I called him up. Before I could even begin to tell him my situation, the minute he knew it was me, he said, "Sorry wrong number," and hung up on me. He had a some friends over at the time, so he had to hang up on me to preserve his cover. He couldn't be known as someone who helped out a gay guy in time of need.

So I sat there in the cold darkness, wondering what I'd do if I lost the whole business. It was such a terrible feeling, that the one guy who could help, would not help because he was in the closet. I saw how in my moment of a very simple need, he could not even have a conversation with me, and hung up as fast as he could.

About 20 minutes later, the power came back on, the heater came back on line, and the crops were saved. The next morning I went out and bought a generator on credit.

It is pointless to be in a relationship with someone you cannot rely on.

[Sylph]

I agree too. I'm open and flamboyant gurl, always have been.


Tho I can say, I know for a lot of Gays both here and on other islands down south and most likely in other homophobic cultures, it's almost exclusively the only way that people can have relationships.

So I understand why some people do it, I have quite a few "discreet" or "DL" guys after me, especially because they know I'm gay. It's a double edge sword:

They don't wanna be alone and they don't wanna take risks with non-"out there" guys. Like themselves usually.


But ultimately, from what I've seen, guys here usually end up being fuck buddies or super DL house bodies, who never display their relationship to the light of day.