MikeW Wrote:I like your guy a lot. I mean, so far as I can tell, he's being honest and straightforward with you.
You apparently have some social anxiety issues around dating. That's not uncommon, you know. But the question is, what to do about it? For sure, I'd MUCH rather see you expressing your anxiety here to us that TO HIM. It's a good thing (I think) that you haven't contacted him saying what you said to us... to call this whole thing off cause you're just going to screw it up. I mean, even if that DOES turn out to be the case... this is an opportunity for you to try and NOT do that.
So... How can we help you? How can we help you relax and do what he is saying (and we're saying too), just enjoy what you have and stop worrying about the future?
Yeah I think he's being honest and straightforward with me too - which he said he would be, he said that it might get some taking used to but that I don't need to second guess him and if I upset him he'll just say so.
My anxiety mainly comes from the periods where we're not in touch. Like last night he never replied to my last couple of messages and still hasn't replied today and it just makes me anxious - like he doesn't want to talk to me or has changed his mind about me. If I could just not get so anxious about the texting (or absence of) I'd be so so much better/happier.
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axle2152 Wrote:...Here's what I can say, in the last year I've learned not only a lot about someone who I think is awesome and special but a lot about myself, a lot about what I need to work on to become a good partner, to worry less and accept whatever may happen, to doubting myself. It is hard not to think about fucking things up, about getting overly worried and putting them on a pedestal as if they're perfect or something. No one is perfect, everyone has their issues, shortcomings, demons, and having a huge crush on someone blinds you to all that. Now, my thinking is that regardless of that fact I do feel that in my case to me they're pretty darn special for many reasons and well worth it to me to both be the best friend I can possibly be to them and to accept the fact that there may very well not be anything beyond friendship.... But god damn if there's any hope for me I would do whatever I can to be their best partner they could ever have...
I think this is right on... especially the part about not focusing ALL of one's attention on ONE guy. I understand this can be difficult but when we get SO enamoured with just one guy too quickly, put all our eggs in one basket so to say, we're almost bound to end up hurt. How to keep a wider attention? As you say, not only focusing on 'the other' but one's self? I think you've learned a lot in the last year. 
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And the only thing I've said to him was asking if he minded texting as I didn't want to bother him and he said he didn't but that he can't always rely straight away. I said that was fine and that I'd only asked as I didn't want to annoy him and that I felt unsure whether or not to message him earlier in the day. He said to stop worrying and that i should be excited not worrying about what could go wrong.
I think for me, not hearing from a guy i'm interested in and who is apparently interested in me for a day or longer makes me worried they're not interested
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MikeW Wrote:I think this is right on... especially the part about not focusing ALL of one's attention on ONE guy. I understand this can be difficult but when we get SO enamoured with just one guy too quickly, put all our eggs in one basket so to say, we're almost bound to end up hurt. How to keep a wider attention? As you say, not only focusing on 'the other' but one's self? I think you've learned a lot in the last year.
Yeah you're right, and I definitely have a bad habit of putting all my eggs in one basket. Since meeting this lad though I don't wanna chat to any other lads, I just want to focus my attention on him befause I felt a connection with him.
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Flyerboy95 Wrote:Yeah I think he's being honest and straightforward with me too - which he said he would be, he said that it might get some taking used to but that I don't need to second guess him and if I upset him he'll just say so.
My anxiety mainly comes from the periods where we're not in touch. Like last night he never replied to my last couple of messages and still hasn't replied today and it just makes me anxious - like he doesn't want to talk to me or has changed his mind about me. If I could just not get so anxious about the texting (or absence of) I'd be so so much better/happier.
I DO understand. I don't use texting much but to the degree that I do, I understand what you mean. You put something out there and when you don't get something back more or less right away you begin to worry... especially if you don't know someone real well.
So, we've identified that this is a problem... [MENTION=23180]axle2152[/MENTION] has suggested you try and widen your range of attention, thinking about other things, yourself or other people. I think that's basically a good idea.
Texting can be a kind of addiction... fuck... here where I live (a college town) I see all the 'kids' (to me they are) around me walking down the street focused on their phones. To me, this is a new sociological phenomenon. And not a particularly good one, IMO... It's like 'virtual communication' has become more important than BEING WHERE YOU ARE.
Try to open up your field of attention... paying attention to your body in space... where are you? What is important right this moment?
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Flyerboy95 Wrote:Yeah you're right, and I definitely have a bad habit of putting all my eggs in one basket. Since meeting this lad though I don't wanna chat to any other lads, I just want to focus my attention on him befause I felt a connection with him. Totally understandable. But if your anxiety becomes such an issue... an energy that INTERRUPTS the connection.... then what? Haven't you just fulfilled your own fear?
Why would you do that? That's the question I'm suggesting you look into. You SAY you're afraid of losing him. But isn't your fear breaking the connection?
Where's the trust? This is YOUR problem... not his. Don't make it his.
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MikeW Wrote:I think this is right on... especially the part about not focusing ALL of one's attention on ONE guy. I understand this can be difficult but when we get SO enamoured with just one guy too quickly, put all our eggs in one basket so to say, we're almost bound to end up hurt. How to keep a wider attention? As you say, not only focusing on 'the other' but one's self? I think you've learned a lot in the last year.
LOL Well I feel that I have and I have dated other guys but of the few guys I have dated left much to be desired let's just say. I mean I think it is a good thing to date around and talk to other guys even when you pretty much have your eyes set elsewhere. I mean until you and he are calling each other boyfriends or whatever. I see it like this, you're getting more time to figure someone else out and not only looking at whether they'll be a good partner for you but will you be a good partner to them and if things don't pan out you're allowing more time to meet the right guy.... Although I say that I do think my mind has...made up its mind per se but I try to keep an eye on things. Regardless of where things go I will do all I can to be a good friend and back that guy 100%... good friends don't grow on trees either.
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Thanks for the help guys, I really really appreciate all the great words of advise you're giving me.
So after not getting a reply last night or all day today, I decided to drop him a message earlier tonight just saying Hoped a test for his job application had gone okay, and once again no reply. That just screams to me that something is wrong, having gone from him replying, pretty much straight away, to now not at all. I actually feel sick, it's horrible. I'm just thinking not again, after the last guy who I thought everything was going well with and said wanted to see me, and then never get in touch again, all I can think is please don't let it be the same with this lad 
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Well...re-read the advice on this thread... Just let loose for a bit, might be at work...phone might be dead...might not feel like talking perhaps.
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axle2152 Wrote:Well...re-read the advice on this thread... Just let loose for a bit, might be at work...phone might be dead...might not feel like talking perhaps.
So what if I don't hear from him, do I just assume the second date after the holidays still goes ahead or what?
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Had a successful date (I think!)
