Is it racist to have a dating preference?

[Emiliano]

I think if you live in a homogeneous country or are part of the majority, especially the cultural majority, the role of race and racism are easier ignored, brushed aside, or viewed as a non issue. Many white Americans have similar views as a white European or a Chinese man living in China might have. The racial and ethnic minorities of America have a different experience past and present of minorities in other countries as well.

[InbetweenDreams]

That can be true and I suppose that's where the whole privilege thing comes from. As far as what people are attracted to I mean that alone is fine, can be whatever. If it is racially motivated, like say a white person doesn't like black people because of racial reasons or whatever, then yeah that's kind of wrong.

[princealbertofb]

I think our choice of what we find attractive sexually is related to many things so it all boils down to personal taste. As long as you don't show hatred or untoward human behaviour towards another ethnic group, I don't think it is racism. It could be that, although your natural preferences would not go to one specific ethnicity, you might still fall in love, or find one of its members attractive sexually or romantically or both. Who's to say?

For the moment, I'd say it's like our preferences for certain foods and tastes. Some like strawberry, some like chocolate, some like vanilla, and some can't eat nuts but it has nothing to do with racism. You might have to reject nuts because you are allergic to them, but if you don't display any adverse criticism to nuts (because some people can eat, and like nuts) then it's ok. Nuts are just not for you, that's all. It's lucky that there's such a choice.

Other forms of such choice could be
- liking only men who are gentlemen;
- liking only men who are cut or uncut;
- liking only men who are bald (because you think that's particularly sexy);
- liking men who are fit or very fit above those who are just average, or chubby;
- liking men who have tattoos, or one the contrary don't;
- liking men who are smooth, or liking men who are hairy ...

But we often settle for people who have some of the characteristics we enjoy most, not necessarily all of them. Depending on how many of these criteria you'd hope to be mating with, it might make you 'choosy', 'picky', or 'discriminating' but not 'racist'. This is all a social construct in our minds, and based on what our experience of life and libido has been.

[Emiliano]

That can be true and I suppose that's where the whole privilege thing comes from. As far as what people are attracted to I mean that alone is fine, can be whatever. If it is racially motivated, like say a white person doesn't like black people because of racial reasons or whatever, then yeah that's kind of wrong.

I don't understand how it cannot be related to race to either fetishize or dismiss another based exclusively on their racial identity and our own perceptions of that identity. It makes no sense to me that someone could say, to use your example, "yeah I'm not attracted to black men, but it has nothing to do with race or how I perceive black men."

Just like how I don't understand how some people have this idea that racism is only real when expressed or displayed through violent, overt behaviors. Or that positive stereotypes and biases cannot also be dehumanizing and damaging as well. I also find it hard to understand that the fear of being called or perceived as racist seems to be a bigger, more offensive issue to many people than racism itself.

But again, when a person lives in a homogeneous area or is a part of the racial majority, they dont have to think about race. They don't have to develop a racial identity, they aren't reminded of their race. They are just normal or plain, the default. And when people don't full grasp the issues and influences of race, they tend to have a lot of confusing views on it.

Like I said, we all have preferences and biases. But there's a way and a reason that those preferences and biases develop. And I don't think reflecting on that and being aware of it is a lot to do or ask of eachother to do.

Maybe we are born gay, but I don't believe we are born gay for 6ft tall - 6.3 foot tall blonde haired, green eyed men with a short to medium length beard and who has a few tasteful tattoos, who speaks three languages, works in advertising, wears stylish clothing and has a trendy haircut and can trace his ancestry back to Gothenburg, Sweden.

[InbetweenDreams]

I don't understand how it cannot be related to race to either fetishize or dismiss another based exclusively on their racial identity and our own perceptions of that identity. It makes no sense to me that someone could say, to use your example, "yeah I'm not attracted to black men, but it has nothing to do with race or how I perceive black men."

Just like how I don't understand how some people have this idea that racism is only real when expressed or displayed through violent, overt behaviors. Or that positive stereotypes and biases cannot also be dehumanizing and damaging as well. I also find it hard to understand that the fear of being called or perceived as racist seems to be a bigger, more offensive issue to many people than racism itself.

But again, when a person lives in a homogeneous area or is a part of the racial majority, they dont have to think about race. They don't have to develop a racial identity, they aren't reminded of their race. They are just normal or plain, the default. And when people don't full grasp the issues and influences of race, they tend to have a lot of confusing views on it.

Like I said, we all have preferences and biases. But there's a way and a reason that those preferences and biases develop. And I don't think reflecting on that and being aware of it is a lot to do or ask of eachother to do.

Maybe we are born gay, but I don't believe we are born gay for 6ft tall - 6.3 foot tall blonde haired, green eyed men with a short to medium length beard and who has a few tasteful tattoos, who speaks three languages, works in advertising, wears stylish clothing and has a trendy haircut and can trace his ancestry back to Gothenburg, Sweden.

So how am I supposed to think and feel, since I'm among the homogeneous race?

I don't think preferences on what one thinks is attractive or not always has to do with race. Simple as that.

So you say someone would be racist because they didn't equally find people of another race attractive? Should they be punished? Should they have electrotherapy?

I'm not saying that there are non-verbal, non-violent ways of being racist. But just as others have said, me being gay and not liking women kind of makes me sexist...

All the 1st world problems today end with ism and ist...

I think there's plenty of hate coming from people of race and a lot coming from the homogeneous race as well... Where did it come from, not saying it wasn't there but what are you getting at, with me specifically.

Frankly I'm tired of talking about race. I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK YOU WANT ME TO DO OR EXPECT FROM ME.

[SilverBullet]

I think its almost like the color of paint, I like green and I like blue. Mix for my favorite color of aqua.

Does that mean I find other colors less significant? no, just something about that color makes me happy. Guess that makes me a "colorist?" lol.
Or perhaps a dog that pee's on his favorite tree regularly is racist to the other tree's.

(as pointed out already and I agree) I think the comparison to race(s) that someone finding attractive, being racist, is pretty equivalent to gay men being sexist towards females flip that for straight men, soo I guess at this point we got almost 100% of the population either sexist, racist or a combination.

Maybe I should start liking popcorn as much as I like ice cream,,, else the pop corn will start complaining :S. Probably my secret prejudice with the butter.

I think some of the best examples of racism are the KKK, they thought blacks were nothing more than dangerous animals, sub human and for the color of their skin merited hanging or dragging them to death.
Nowadays we call someone racist for having their clothes too tight. Using the same word for someone who finds one person attractive and another less soo, same word we would use for someone who would lynch you for being born is hard to take. Calling someone a racist is perceived as an insult to many I think, at least it is to me.

[meridannight]

I don't understand how it cannot be related to race to either fetishize or dismiss another based exclusively on their racial identity and our own perceptions of that identity. It makes no sense to me that someone could say, to use your example, "yeah I'm not attracted to black men, but it has nothing to do with race or how I perceive black men."

What the fuck is wrong with you man? You're so fucking stuck up in your prejudiced opinion on race and discrimination that you are letting everything be colored by it now.

It is absolutely okay not to be sexually attracted to black men, or men of any other races for that matter. Plenty of guys are not attracted to white men -- I'd like to see you turn that into racism. In my high school there was a girl who was only attracted to black men. She wasn't racist, she had a preference she had every right to have. I didn't get it, but it was not up to me to tell her what she could or could not like.

It is not up to you to say that everyone has to feel sexual attraction for everyone else. What a fucking pretentious thing to say! You are being such an asshole with that.

I do not find black men appealing or beautiful. That is my taste and I have every fucking right in the world to feel that way. I am attracted to men who are like myself, and have the same cultural background/understanding of the world as myself. I do not want a man who is much different from who I am or who grew up in a different cultural atmosphere. That makes up part of the thing but not all of it. Physically I do not find black men attractive. I do not feel sexual arousal when I am around them, like I feel absolute arousal when I am around white men. Do not come telling me what I can or cannot like. Do not think you have the right to call me racist because my dick doesn't get hard for the black race. What a fucking jerk you are.

I've never thought black men are lesser than white, or should have less rights, or have their rights limited in any way compared to white men. I have nothing against [MENTION=21156]Anocxu[/MENTION], or [MENTION=15656]Sylph[/MENTION]. They are both decent guys I like and respect. I just don't want to have sex with them. That is my right. It is not yours to define my sexual preference for me.

Maybe we are born gay, but I don't believe we are born gay for 6ft tall - 6.3 foot tall blonde haired, green eyed men with a short to medium length beard and who has a few tasteful tattoos, who speaks three languages, works in advertising, wears stylish clothing and has a trendy haircut and can trace his ancestry back to Gothenburg, Sweden.

Just because you like everybody and are attracted to everybody does not mean others share your tastes. You are doing the same thing that the heterosexual men are doing who say homosexuality doesn't exist or is worse than heterosexuality because they can't understand how a man can like another man. You are just as bigoted as them, only you don't own up to it and have the opportunity to veil it behind a mask of moral righteousness. It's all bullshit.


I am done talking to you on this site, or anywhere where I may come across you. You have lost your credibility in my eyes. You are being impossible to level with. You have taken this race thing so much to heart you see everything as an insult and offense, where there is none. Then you innocently claim not to understand and ask others to explain, but when people genuinely explain themselves you still insist on your way being right instead of taking other people at their word, and trusting people know what they are talking about. There are some things you will not be able to understand ever. Some things are tied to experience, not knowledge or theory that you can learn. You can only accept them and realize that other people are entitled to make their own choices and those choices are legitimate, whether you like them personally or not.

You can't see that or refuse to see that. Either case, I'm done with you.

[Emiliano]

So how am I supposed to think and feel, since I'm among the homogeneous race?

I don't think preferences on what one thinks is attractive or not always has to do with race. Simple as that.

So you say someone would be racist because they didn't equally find people of another race attractive? Should they be punished? Should they have electrotherapy?

I'm not saying that there are non-verbal, non-violent ways of being racist. But just as others have said, me being gay and not liking women kind of makes me sexist...

All the 1st world problems today end with ism and ist...

I think there's plenty of hate coming from people of race and a lot coming from the homogeneous race as well... Where did it come from, not saying it wasn't there but what are you getting at, with me specifically.

Frankly I'm tired of talking about race. I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK YOU WANT ME TO DO OR EXPECT FROM ME.

Wow, ok. I wasn't coming for you, I didn't call anyone racist here, and I didn't demand that anyone force themselves to be equally attracted to every racial or ethnic group or face punishment.

I asked that people consider the idea that our racial preferences may not be as ingrained as we think, and that they are also influenced by things outside ourselves.

I don't know what I said that could have put you so deep on the defensive besides suggesting that white people, as members of the racial majority in our country, tend not to be as informed or aware about issues regarding race and racism as a non white person in this country might be.

I didn't personalize that statement to you, but even I had, it has nothing to do with me thinking you're hateful or a white supremacist or anything like that. I said that because it is not white people who are most effected by racism in the USA. It's much easier for people who are a part of the racial majority to not be aware of it. That's all.

I replied directly to you because you wrote "If it is racially motivated, like say a white person doesn't like black people because of racial reasons or whatever, then yeah that's kind of wrong." Which I thought was interesting because I could not understand a situation where a white person wouldn't be open to dating black people in general without that being related to race. Not dating that specific black guy because he's a dick, or this specific black guy because of his politics. I get that. But saying, "I'm not attracted to black people because they are black, but I'm not racist because it has nothing to do with them being black, it's just my preference" ....that's what I don't get.

Whether we are saying we are not attracted to an entire racial group, or that we find an entire racial group attractive, it is directly related to race and to treating that race as a monolith.

I disagree with the comparisons made between racial preferences and sexual orientation. The logic used to make that connection is one of convenience and comfort.

I'm not being rude, I'm not being mean, I'm not lashing out or pulling apart every little thing. I'm not telling people how to be, how to feel, behave, or love. So I'd appreciate being given the respect to not have my words twisted and to not be spoken to like I'm a hysterical mess, trying to shame or condemn people. What I did was contribute a different viewpoint about a topic I have direct connections to and have spent many years informing myself about.

But you're tired of talking about race. So you now have the option to ignore me or whatever, and go about the rest of your day without being reminded that race exists, people are treated and viewed unfairly because of their race - on the personal level as well as the systemic, and that racism is a very real problem in this country.

What do I expect of you? To be able to discuss race without making it all about how attacked you feel as a white man.

[Emiliano]

What the fuck is wrong with you man? You're so fucking stuck up in your prejudiced opinion on race and discrimination that you are letting everything be colored by it now.

It is absolutely okay not to be sexually attracted to black men, or men of any other races for that matter. Plenty of guys are not attracted to white men -- I'd like to see you turn that into racism. In my high school there was a girl who was only attracted to black men. She wasn't racist, she had a preference she had every right to have. I didn't get it, but it was not up to me to tell her what she could or could not like.

It is not up to you to say that everyone has to feel sexual attraction for everyone else. What a fucking pretentious thing to say! You are being such an asshole with that.

I do not find black men appealing or beautiful. That is my taste and I have every fucking right in the world to feel that way. I am attracted to men who are like myself, and have the same cultural background/understanding of the world as myself. I do not want a man who is much different from who I am or who grew up in a different cultural atmosphere. That makes up part of the thing but not all of it. Physically I do not find black men attractive. I do not feel sexual arousal when I am around them, like I feel absolute arousal when I am around white men. Do not come telling me what I can or cannot like. Do not think you have the right to call me racist because my dick doesn't get hard for the black race. What a fucking jerk you are.

I've never thought black men are lesser than white, or should have less rights, or have their rights limited in any way compared to white men. I have nothing against [MENTION=21156]Anocxu[/MENTION], or [MENTION=15656]Sylph[/MENTION]. They are both decent guys I like and respect. I just don't want to have sex with them. That is my right. It is not yours to define my sexual preference for me.





Just because you like everybody and are attracted to everybody does not mean others share your tastes. You are doing the same thing that the heterosexual men are doing who say homosexuality doesn't exist or is worse than heterosexuality because they can't understand how a man can like another man. You are just as bigoted as them, only you don't own up to it and have the opportunity to veil it behind a mask of moral righteousness. It's all bullshit.


I am done talking to you on this site, or anywhere where I may come across you. You have lost your credibility in my eyes. You are being impossible to level with. You have taken this race thing so much to heart you see everything as an insult and offense, where there is none. Then you innocently claim not to understand and ask others to explain, but when people genuinely explain themselves you still insist on your way being right instead of taking other people at their word, and trusting people know what they are talking about. There are some things you will not be able to understand ever. Some things are tied to experience, not knowledge or theory that you can learn. You can only accept them and realize that other people are entitled to make their own choices and those choices are legitimate, whether you like them personally or not.

You can't see that or refuse to see that. Either case, I'm done with you.

Lol... fuck, guys. I never called anyone a racist or told any of you that you have to be attracted to people of this race or that. Where did I say that? I am demanding nothing of anyone here. I'm not going to keep repeating myself over and over though. Where is that coming from? Again this goes back not to what I actually said, but an inability to discuss race without getting defensive and feeling like your under attack.

For the second time, I don't appreciate being spoken to like I'm over here flipping out and telling you all how to live your lives. I'm not the one throwing a shit fit in this thread and writing people off while at the same time scolding them for not listening to and respecting the opinions of others. It's frustrating to me though that people talk about racism like unless they're being strung up by the neck, it's just something minorities talk about to be mean to white people and try to make them feel bad.

It makes it easier to dismiss everything I've said when you interpret it all as me telling you to go out and marry a non white man all while taking the moral that I'm attracted to everyone. Who said I am attracted to everyone? It wasn't me, I said in my first reply that I hold racial biases too. So chill out and reread what I said throughout this thread. This isn't the first time you have come at me without really paying attention to what I'm saying.

I mean I could sit here and go point by point, but that's a waste of my time and it's neither my job nor goal to explain racism to any of you or change your opinions about anything. But I'm not going to not share my opinion on here as well.

I have to go to work, but even if I didn't I have step away from this before I do lose my temper and actually do start snapping on people.

[Sylph]

I've never thought black men are lesser than white, or should have less rights, or have their rights limited in any way compared to white men. I have nothing against [MENTION=21156]Anocxu[/MENTION], or [MENTION=15656]Sylph[/MENTION]. They are both decent guys I like and respect. I just don't want to have sex with them. That is my right. It is not yours to define my sexual preference for me.

I mean...thanks...I think?

I'm not sure how I even got brought into this really, as I don't ascribe nor apply to the system of Race you all obviously do;

I mean, hunny, [MENTION=21156]Anocxu[/MENTION] and all the other "Black Americans/Europeans"(oh girl >,>) on here, are more likely than not vastly different to me, and not just appearance wise.

So for you to utilize me as your example on "I like black guys, but don't fuck them";

Doesn't do me or you justice, as I'm not Black hun.


Physically, like most to all of my people, I am mixed/"fair" skinned. So going on that alone you've lost me there girl.

And ultimately;


This whole debaucle will lead nowhere, because each race, country and society has it's own perceptions, understanding, and vice on race within that community.

So, it's impossible to properly discuss something like this with people who realistically cannot relate.


You like what you like and politics be damned.

Make wise choices and don't talk to strangers.

You're Welcome