deephiance Wrote:Over reacting? I can see how it would be seen that way.
I'm passionate about peoples rights and my advice here would carry over to the many hundreds that have already asked this question in these forums.
These are the things I believe in very strongly -
No one is anything other than what they state..they state they are straight, then they are straight. They state they are gay, they are gay. It is not a matter for discussion by others because in my mind that is gossip.
No one should be backed into a corner to reveal their sexuality which is how I see this ending.
If someone is not hurting you or anyone else, then their sexuality and/or their sex life is none of your business unless they make it your business.
Like I said, I am passionate, I am also very very blunt and I know how that comes across to others, but I simply do not care (I don't walk into a room and wonder if people like me, I walk into a room and wonder if I like people)
Anonymous is only anonymous as long as it is anonymous...and like I previously stated, there could be some people reading this and thinking 'Maybe it is me, if I ever find out my wife and ex-wife are talking like that behind my back there will be trouble.'
GOSSIP HURTS PEOPLE
If you want to know if someone is gay, ask them.
I apologise for my bluntness and my offense, but I am who I am, and I believe what I believe.
Yes, [MENTION=24118]deephiance[/MENTION], I agree with much of what you say here.
I'd like to answer some of the previous questions you asked in the previous post.
My point is that two 'wrongs' don't make a 'right'. That's just inflation in hurt or insult.
1 * What if the man in question is a member of this forum????
If he is he will probably recognise himself, or maybe not, because maybe he won't read this particular thread. I don't know. This is a public forum and no one has been named. I have no idea who this Lesley is. She may not be using her real name either. There is a likelihood that if he isn't gay at all, he won't be reading these pages. Not much risk here.
2 * What if there is another innocent man in a similar situation in this forum????
He may think this is about him? Is that what you are implying? Maybe it will make him think about how his behaviour affects others too (negatively)? I'm not sure where this argument is going? I'm not sure you need to state that the man in question is innocent. Innocent of what? Being gay is not an accusation or a curse (to me). Should it be? It might be an explanation or a reason for types of behaviour but it's not something to be blamed for, is it?
3 * How do you think they would feel if they felt they were being talked about like this??? Betrayed???? Gutted???
Possibly both, but again I'd think the old saying applies ''If the cap fits, wear it!''. I understand what you're saying but the word 'paranoid' comes to mind on this particular issue. Again, no name has been given, and I can't think of any sufficient details that could mean anything to me or most of the people who come to this board. This is a public forum, everyone can express themselves on it, ask questions, the only ones we're trying to keep out are the trolls, but is Lesley a 'troll'? I think there's a rant that you need to air that would explain why you are taking all this so seriously. (By the way, thanks for your previous explanations)
Lesley's question wasn't banter, I don't think. I believe her question was genuine, and I also don't think it deserved being called a 'bitch' or 'bitchy' (too strong, too opinionated, and uncalled for to my mind). However since I can't force you to take it back, and it is your opinion, I'm going to roll with the punches (I guess Lesley will too) and accept that you have a differing opinion about what people are allowed to say on this site and what they should refrain from saying.
I really really don't think she crossed a line. I may be wrong. I commend you for defending people's rights to their privacy, I would advocate that myself. But are we not saying to Lesley that she can't come and expose a problem she's had just because it involves a partner, or ex partner? I too would suggest she lets it go and finds other more interesting pursuits but again maybe what she's really asking is :
''Was there anything wrong with me? Did I do something wrong with my ex husband? Why did our relationship fail?''
I think she'd like to understand why it didn't work out. A lot of other people ask the very same questions on this site.
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First I'd like to say I hope Lesley hangs around and get to know us. I think she will see that gay men, like straight ones, come in all forms. Some are faithful, some are cheaters. Some are marriage material, some aren't. Some have low sex drives, some don't. Second, I think after 12 years of being divorces, Lesley is letting her ex take up too much space in her brain. Time to move on girl. Also, comparing notes with the new wife is bad. If the new wife has suspicions, then she needs to deal with that herself...between her and the hubby, not the ex.
As far as us gossiping, the OP asked opinions, we gave them. That is all.
Again, Lesley you are too involved. Move on
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deephiance Wrote:No one is anything other than what they state..they state they are straight, then they are straight. They state they are gay, they are gay. It is not a matter for discussion by others because in my mind that is gossip.
No one should be backed into a corner to reveal their sexuality which is how I see this ending.
If someone is not hurting you or anyone else, then their sexuality and/or their sex life is none of your business unless they make it your business.
Like I said, I am passionate, I am also very very blunt and I know how that comes across to others, but I simply do not care (I don't walk into a room and wonder if people like me, I walk into a room and wonder if I like people)
Anonymous is only anonymous as long as it is anonymous...and like I previously stated, there could be some people reading this and thinking 'Maybe it is me, if I ever find out my wife and ex-wife are talking like that behind my back there will be trouble.'
GOSSIP HURTS PEOPLE
If you want to know if someone is gay, ask them.
OK, [MENTION=24118]deephiance[/MENTION], I understand where you're coming from but some of this is debatable.
I could tell you that I'm the Queen of Sheba, the fact is I'm not, and if you saw me you would probably understand that this statement is outrageous. So any one person is not only what they state they are. I think it was Proust who said that ''our outward personality is a social construct of what other people think we are'' ie if we are perceived as gay or corrupt then the social construct of our personality is gay or corrupt (it doesn't make it true). It means that we are only partly what people perceive us to be, and that on the inside we could be quite different in reality (even in our own perception of ourselves). Someone might find you to be very mean or miserly, while you think of yourself as a generous person. They would have their reasons for thinking that, and you would have your reasons for thinking otherwise.
So, of course if someone says to their entourage and /or publicly that they are gay, well maybe they are, and maybe they will be believed, but maybe not. My partner had all the trouble in the world explaining to his ex wife that he was gay. She did not accept it. (I think shehas now, but it's been 15 years since he first told her).
Also on the Internet, people lie constantly about all sorts of things and so do politicians and children, and ignorant people, and manipulators, etc.... We all believe parts of the story we're told if it fits our perception of the world, but we may just as well deny it.
Your last point was, if you want to know someone's sexual orientation, you just ask them.
Indeed , it is one strategy, but, well, they might give you an honest answer, however they might also not.
Case in point : I'm gay, I think I've known I'm gay since I was a kid ; at about 34, an adult who ought to know which side he's bending, my mother asked me (not out of the blue, but shockingly unexpected. (my mother, right?): ''Darling, are you gay?''
I knew I was, I chose to word it this way (it was an honest response at the time) ; ''I don't like to think of myself as gay, mum. '' (I had no reason to disclose that I was - no boyfriend, no male partner, single, single, single and had been for a long, long time ; I did however have a very good reason for denying it : my gay brother was dying of AIDS, I did not wish to alarm her)
So you can be as blunt as you like, and you can be as intimate and close as you like, you're not necessarily going to get an honest answer.
I think Lesley stated that she'd only detected lies, but I think she was still expecting to have some kind of proof. She's had a hunch, she needs to see if it makes sense, or if her concern is misguided.
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Darius Wrote:Do vegetarians swallow? [MENTION=21957]Darius[/MENTION].
Of course, I swallow... it just depends what. I swallowed a croissant earlier. I just swallowed a cup of tea. (yummy!)
I don't swallow swallows, if that's what you are interesting in knowing. I also try not to swallow too many lies, bad for the complexion, you see.
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Maybe this will post, maybe it won't. Nothing of substance seems to post. His current wife did bring up his possibility of being gay and that she was going to bring it up in counseling and talk to this other man, and my ex punched his car. I tried to post why she started talking to me to begin with, but it didn't post either. I think there's at least 5 or 6 posts missing. Sigh.
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I am unphased by [MENTION=24118]deephiance[/MENTION]'s comments. He is clearly dealing with his own issues. No, that's not my name; I haven't even put where I live. If my ex is on here, it is unlikely he would care what he read because he is a sociopath, incapable of remorse or guilt...literally...I'm not just saying that because he is my ex. I would add that it is narcisstic to believe you can mislead someone about your sexuality and waste years of their life...and then, if they decide to speak of it to sort their own thoughts out...it's gossip. No. My ex stole our kids' and everyone else's Christmas money from his mother...his wife found out, and that's what started us talking. She needed support from someone who knew what she was going through. In hindsight, probably not a good idea, but I don't have it in me to be mean to someone going through all of that.
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It's very narcisstic to think someone's sexuality only affects them and is only their business. It is also the business of whomever they have chosen to marry or be in a relationship with, as the years of their life are ticking away while the other is keeping secrets and wasting their time. I would love to elaborate, but those never post.
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I think you're worrying about this too much, you're not married to him anymore. Or maybe you are projecting your own homosexual tendencies onto him to try and justify something? Think about it.
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I think you believe I'm more concerned than I really am. I'm not crying over it. I was curious the day I wrote the post, because of the new information I had and so many things over the years started making me think. I was curious if I had missed something right in front of me, and I figured a gay man would be more discernible of those behaviors than I. I've been waiting to be able to discuss, but most or my posts don't even show up.
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Still consider the possibility that you yourself may be a repressed lesbian, you could just be projecting fears about your own sexual preferences onto your ex-husband, remember it takes two to tango.
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Gay or straight?
