Emotionally involved with someone at work....

[ublutwyche]

OK, its gonna be a fairly lengthy post, so bear with me lol

A lad started where I work about 18 months ago, and almost straight away I had an incline about him. But as my workmates keep on saying to me: "you think every str8 bloke is gay" ...lol... So maybe that was true. It took a while for us to speak, but once we did there was no stopping us. It was very superficial, very fun, childish and silly, but it kinda made me feel good about myself (kinda strange really). Once lunchtime I popped round the pub, came back and he let me past on the stairs and I said "Cheers handsome", and he kinda look surprised and laughed. I said to my lesbian mate at work, I think he's gay/bi. She said I better get my gaydar out and look out for the signs. This was on a monday, by Saturday she had invited him out with us to a gay club. I kinda got excited. Very excited. At the club we all went outside for a smoke, and my str8 mate kissed this lesbian. Lol. I turned to this lad (J his name is) and said "Where's mine?" lol. Then he snogged my face off! But I was still half-and-half about it. He could have been for a laugh. In the club again, later on, I asked him cheekily for another, and he said "I've already give you one", I said "Go on, just another!" And he did! And we were all dancing dirty all night, etc. Then we snogged for a third time, although I don't remember how it started, I just remember snogging him. And it was wonderful, yet strange. I felt merged with him. And it lasted for a good 60 seconds. Then he pulled me away and said "I'm bisexual, not gay", I said "That's alright!" lol. Although looking back I wish I had responded differently, and maybe offered him out or something, because when we got out the club I asked him again and he said "I said I was bi-curious!"

Back at work monday, very tense lol. I said morning, he said morning back and put his head down I was kinda scared to pull him about the weekend. I got his number off my mate and I text him saying its no-one's business, and I'm not gonna go around work shouting about it cos I ain't like that. And I don't want you thinking of me any differently. He text back saying I know you wouldn't go round telling anyone, but I'm not gay like you are, and there's no need to ignore each cos that would be silly. Obviously, I was gutted about that, but we were cool about. But all week it played on my mind, like I wasn't being told the whole truth. I text him again thursday and said it was doing my head in. And he kinda set the record straight. He said "it was a mistake and should never have happened, and I regret it. I just wanted to experience something. But quite simply its just never going to happen between us. I'm not gay. And I'm really sorry if I've hurt you" OK, fair enough. But him being straight, and him knowing that I'm gay, and knowing that I like him, it would have been nice telling what was going on beforehand. But letting me get my hopes up like that, and kissing me three times, I've already got into my head that he likes me, and something might happen. It's natural. But i text back saying not to regret, just put it down to experience. He said "Yeah it was a snog, FUCK IT!" I tried to ease the tension a little and tex him saying he was a good kisser and stuff like that. Next day he text me out of the blue saying what you up to and shit like that. It was a friday night, so I had a few drinks and text saying, in a humourous way, saying "You really got my hopes you know you [sod]" He said "Yeah I'm sorry about that, but you know you was a good kisser too!" Fair enough.

He was invited out again a few weeks later. It was weird. He kept staring at me, even while drinking. Even my mates were saying look at J keep staring at Sean. And every time I mentioned something like I'm on the pull tonight, his face would drop, according to my mates. Kinda strange. And of course I chose not to pursue J, cos we set the record straight and didn't wanna betray his trust. So I started dancing with this lad in a club. But nothing happened except that. We all went out for a smoke again, then J went up to my other gay mate and snogged his face off! In front of me. I'm like WTF? I was well pissed off, and I must say, jealous. But I felt lied to aswell. At that point I went home early. Next day we had a BBQ at my mates and J was there, and my mate who J snogged. J never really spoke all night. And we all had a few drinks lol. J went home and I text him more or less straight away - a drunken text - and said "I love you to bits and can't stop thinking about you!" Oh dear lol. He tex back saying "But you know I'm not gay [do i?]. But how are you anyway [I've been in his presence all night], you seemed a bit sad and lonely?" Again, I wish I was responded differently, but I was pissed off, so I text back, in a short way "Yeah, sound!" That was that.

Back at work monday lol. Very tense again. By the afternoon I apologised for the text, and he just laughed. I said "You fkn love it don't ya?!" So at that point I thought, these texts have got to stop!! I got home and sent him one last text and something along the lines of "I'm really sorry for the texts. You told me nothing was going to happen and I kept on pursuing it. I'm gonna leave you alone, and not mention anything about it again. If you wanna talk you know where I am" Not reply back. Next day at work he's ignoring me! And from that point on [July last year], he's been on-and-off with me. And because he was ignoring me, I started thinking it was all my fault, and that I've done something wrong. I got very depressed about it, and started drinking LOTS. And whenever I tried talking to him he was either harsh, unresponsive, or communication ended up at a stand-still. It really wound me up. The tension between us was just unreal. And every time he tried speaking to him , or him me, I couldn't speak properly and I'd get very nervous. And for months I tolerated the ignoring, and still kept on saying morning to him, or hi J etc, even though I'd get blank looks. Then I started ignoring him, just to teach him. Then when he realised I was ignoring him, he'd speak very nice to me. So I'd think he's learned his lesson and whats to talk to me again. So when I try and talk to him again, the same thing happened again. Really messed with my head. It makes it worse cos I'm still emotionally involved with him, more than ever, right this second, 11 months later. But for the last few weeks I've completely and utterly ignored him, I don't look at him, talk to him, nothing. But I still get nervous when he's around me. But he doesn't talk to me now either. I really don't know what to do. Its breaking my heart doing what I'm doing it, when really all I wanna do is give him a hug (or maybe I want to be hugged by him). Its turning very soar between us. Whenever he'd ignore me I'd get frustrated and I'd get angry, and its slowly turning to resentment. And I don't want to resent him. I feel like hurting him back, even though I don't want to. I've cried almost every day this year, at home, close to at work. I'm constantly depressed. I want to let go. I sometimes want to leave work. I've tried so hard to sever the tie, but he just won't go out of my mind. I've tried to have relationships and he's still there in my head. I feel such a fool. I feel weak and drained. I have no energy. What else is left to do?????

[fjp999]

[COLOR="Purple"]ublutwyche, I feel so odd reading your post but I do think you do need that hug my friend

Mind games can really fuck with folk. I cant tell where they began with the two of you but man, you got it going full tilt and I bet neither of you are enjoying it at all...

I kinda wanna recommend couples therapy but that isnt really gonna happen. Is there some sort of work related therapy? Just something to get everyone talking and on track to a decent environment for the two of you...

Best of luck with it all... I think you really need it. Try to stay positive and not take everything so hard. I dont know really, but you could have met your soul mate or something like that but in this life you two just are not right for one another.

Hope something in that rambling helped [/COLOR]

[Genersis]

Maybe a simple hug and a "Can we start talking again?" might help?
I don't have any expireance with relationships but i think the only way out of this situation is to start talking to each other, and to start with a clean slate as it were.


Best of luck to you!

[marshlander]

What a horrible situation. If you are heading for depression and drinking lots you may find it useful talking to someone, so I'm going to agree with fjp. Many work places sign up to a counselling service and allow you a few counselling sessions for free. With any luck you may have access to such a service ...

Hope you feel better soon

[ublutwyche]

Not long after this post, I sent him an email explaining how I felt towards him. I told him that was the reason why I've been acting the way I have been. I said whats happened to the good times before what happened cos I want it back. I said I've tried so hard to stop these feelings but I just can't, and I don't know why. I said I just want you to understand thats all. That was that.

Monday back at work, he completely blanked me all day, as he usually does. And I got such a horrible feeling in my stomach. Then the next day, we walked passed eachother and he said "Morning Sean". I was kinda surprised really, and confused. And all day he was speaking to me, more than he ever has the last 12 months. And I thought finally, the way I've always wanted things. But at the same time, deep down, it didn't feel right, there was something not right about it.

And this is where the childishness started again. I added him on facebook. Keep in mind I've added him about 3 times, cos he kept deleting me!!! Why the fuck, I don't know. But anyway, I added him again cos we were all good. Last wednesday and thursday he was off work. On Thursday I was on facebook as always, and I noticed that he deleted me again LOL, and not only that he blocked me too. OK so I had a few drinks when I discovered this, so I kinda immediately responded to it. Childish I know, I mean fucking facebook. But I'm only responding childishly to something also childish. And I guess I was responding to the last 12 months too, which I supposed could have confused him a little. And this is what I sent last Thursday....

goodbye jay
carry on with your games on your own (and you know what i mean)
don't talk to me, don't look at me, don't come anywhere near me, and don't ever speak about me, to anyone
you know how i feel about you, and you still carry on with your pathetic, childish games - fucking grow up!
all i wanted was for you to understand, if things could be different don't you think i would change it?
there's a lot you've got to learn in life, young man
when it comes to feelings and matters of the heart, it ain't a fucking game. you don't mess with people's heads.
all i wanted was for you to understand. i didn't ask you to reach out with open arms... all i wanted was some understanding, and bit of support. i didn't ask to be this way. i didn't ask to have feelings for you. don't you think i've tried not to.
i don't know what fucking lesson i'm meant to be learning by knowing you, but it sure is a fucking hard one!
i really really really hope you understand one day. i really do. but somehow i don't think you ever will.

i'm confused. i don't know if i love you, or hate you.
but right now it don't really matter.
jay, this is reality son. you can't treat people coldly. they're in this world just like you. they're struggling just like you. but i suppose you don't really care. i sensed that long ago.
anyway, as i said, goodbye.

A bit harsh I know, but it was a case of eliminating someone who is just stunting my growth. It might be hard to explain what I mean to other people, let alone him. But the 2 messages I've sent him are basically my two minds about everything thats gone on regarding him.

I went into work the next day, obviously he never read the message, and he was all nicey nicey. Which was a bit strange, and yes I kinda felt guilty about what I put the night before. And I think I over-reacted, but thats alcohol for you!! And I should learn to not act on impulse. But anyway, he sent a reply back Sunday just gone about 2pm, I was at the pub, and never got back til about 11, and this is what I came home to - his response......

Look i dont know wot the fuck ur goin on about, and yeh ive only just read wot u sent me, now it's ur turn to listen to me u fucking idiot, i dont know wot u've heard or wot u think u know but ive not or never played any sort of games , the one's i'm supposed to know about. to be honest with u sean ive really fucking had enough of you and ur seriously starting to fucking piss me off to a point were i'd probally get done for murder, (if u know wot i mean) for once u've finally sed something i understand and yeh u can fucking bet i'm gona leave you alone if it woz up to me m8 i'd fucking have u banished from the earth.

now as u can guess i'm starting to loose my anger wiv you, CAN YOU FUCKING BLAME ME SEAN , ever since that night 12 month's ago my life aint been the same and yeh we've tried to sort it out by talking to each other about it but nothing's worked has it , now if i'm being honest here for a moment i have got over it and no i dont stay awake at nite thinking about it, i'm way past that stage sean and i think you need to get to that stage aswell cuz if you don't you gona end up a very sad lonely person.

if ur not one already , i don't know - are you ?

now to conclude this message i'd just like to say - FUCKING LEAVE ME ALONE AND FUCKING FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE ELSE AND LEAVE ME ALONE TO LIVE MY LIFE - YOU FUCKING PSYCHO ! !

And yes I cried reading it. Cried because of the kind of response I got, and cried because I think I'm going mad. And I know a lot of people will get angry at what I'm about to say but more or less straight away I went downstairs and took about half a dozen paracetamol in one go. And then cried myself to sleep, hoping that I'd never wake up. All the pain never seems to be going away, and I'm finding it really difficult to handle. So yes he maybe right, I am a psycho. And right now I still don't know if I love him or hate him? For some reason, perhaps maybe someone can tell me, the attempted overdose never worked LOL. Thats twice now I've failed, I can't even kill myself haha! So I went into work yesterday, you could say still pissed. My stomach was in tatters, I was on the toilet all day, I felt so rough, and yes it was very very tense. Mom text me at work, asking if I was OK cos she was very worried about me. I showed her the message the next morning, you see. Came home and me and mom spoke about it all again. And we came to the conclusion that maybe he's responding to something else. I've certainly hit a nerve, but it seems the wrong response to the message I sent. I don't see how I've made him that angry. I've only ever sent him 2 messages, and I never speak to him at work. I don't understand. Me and mom don't understand. All I can say is its part of his games. I know what I've seen the last 12 months. I ain't blind. I ain't daft. Read back to the start of this topic and you'll see exactly what I've seen and heard. Either that, or I've imagined it all. The whole lot. The whole 12 months invented inside my head, including my love for him. Today I was such in a good mood, to prove I weren't bothered about it. Sitting here now the pain is horrible. I want to cry but if I do I'll end up in despair again. And I certainly don't want to go into work depressed, even though most of the time I am anyway. I'm unbreakable. No one can hurt me. I will not end up sad and lonely. I'm willing to open my heart to anyone. If I see potential for love, I will pursue it. I wil not be afraid to say how I feel. I;m not afraid to love anyone. And I will not act coldly to anyone who feels the same for me, if I don't. I could not possibly bring anybody down that low, knowing that they're already down. I will not turn anybody's feelings for me against them, hoping that it will reduce my own sense of vulnerability. The only person who will end up sad and lonely is him, not me. And what a question to ask somebody too, are you sad and lonely. Thats not the first time he's asked me that too, look back. Is that some kind of dig at me?

Anyway, any other honest perspective would be appreciated, from anybody.
This is very painful times, and I want to understand it all. LOL
xxxx

[princealbertofb]

Woah, this is way out of anyone's league... Try not to get too close to him for the moment, honey... It's going to be hard getting over it but I think it's wiser. He doesn't sound like a very nice person, or maybe he's finding it really hard to deal with such confessions. Maybe he's not all that clear about it himself, because, in a way, it shows that he projects something that he doesn't realise he projects... something that you picked up on... Please, find someone more suitable, someone who REALLY understands, and REALLY cares... Good luck with that pursuit.

[Anonymous]

This guy has a gay streak in him that he can't accept. If he was 100%st8 he would not have gone to the gay club and kissed both you and your friends.

He is the one who needs counselling to find out what his true sexuality is. He propabbly does have feelings for you, but it is doing his head in. Not everyone can cope with same sex attraction.

What is he like around women? Does he have a gf or show any interest in them? I suspect not.

Leave him alone, only he can accept or not accept his true sexuality. He has obviously not found himself yet, so is not ready to commit himself to another man.

[Dereck]

Aww I'm sorry I have no advice I have never been in a situation like this.
But I do have a hug!!

[bigphils]

I feel for you mate, I really do.

And as Anonymous says, I also think he has a gay streak in him that he's struggling to accept. I was in a similar situation about a year ago, just not as intense, but that was only because of a few things

1. I didnt work with the guy
2. I deleted his phone number to prevent me from textin (coz I am terrible for that when I am drunk)
And 3. My mates could see what was happening (my mate works with him) and he helped me loads.

Quick background to my story was that i knew this guy when we were both boys, I was around 15 and he 14, he was cute back then, but i was too shit scared to anyfin bout it. Then several years later he ends up workin with my mate and I go along to his works night out and we meet, we become friendly again, and we invite him round to our local as a group (no intentions of doing anything btw).

One thing leads to another and he stays the night, nowt much happened, jst loads of cuddling and kissing, and well i made him happy too and him me if you get me (could have been brought on by the drink) but he kissed and cuddle in the morning too.

Then after a few days, he says, he aint gay/bi and wants to give his gf another go.lol

This really hurt me big style coz I was smitten by him. anyways, a few weeks later my mates invite him out without me knowin, he stays the night again but nowt happens this time...but b4 we go to bed, we tok and i say to him that he needs to be himself and he says ''you dont know wat my mates are like, they wouldnt accept me''. Now that phrase proved to me what he really wanted but again, he wouldnt come out n say it.

Well I was hurt again, and now I just leave him be and told my mates I CANT go out on a night out with him...not through nastyness, jst for my sanity.lol and they understand. I know hes strugglin with his feelings and just hope that he finds the courage to accept himself...not for my benefit, but for his, coz I know the pressure relief you get when you finally deal with it.

Anyways, I know its hard coz u work with him, but try and relax and for god's sake, dnt try top your self again. you will find sum1 better than him that will give you as much love back as you obviously are keen to give out

I know this probs dont help, and I am sorry for that, but your situation struck a cord with me and brought a lot back to me...jst thot I would let you know, there are some people out there still struggling and you shouldnt blame yourself or cut yourself up about it.

Phil

[princealbertofb]

Phil is right, Sean. You will surely meet someone much better suited if you can let go of this guy, who's obviously been playing with your head (and maybe a bit with his, but he's not as aware as you are, unlucky for him)... And if he really ISN'T gay, then you won't be losing anything because he was never meant for you. You deserve better treatment than you've been getting from this foolish man. OK, OK. I'll admit people are not generally trained to deal with this sort of emotion, and I believe you've done all you could to sort it out. Now give yourself a little break. See other people, have fun. Forget him as soon as you possibly can and put it down to experience.