Is this just how a 'modern relationship' works?

[confusedqueer]

Hi guys - first post here. Having a bit of a crisis in my mind. I have been with my boyfriend for over a year now. We had some hick ups in the first few months with him still seeing another guy. I wasn't really comfortable with that. Hes been away overseas now for two months and has just told me he plans to meet up with a guy while he is over there. I feel really uncomfortable about this, and i did mention this. He only mentioned it because he asked me to check his emails - and the conversation arranging it is right there. I do wonder if i would have been told about it, if i didn't see this... He seems to think (well he says) that as it would only be a one time thing it wouldn't matter. I see it differently.

maybe i am old fashioned. In all honesty i would like this sort of thing to work.

But how do i get past the jealousy? I just don't if i can. I notice there are alot of 'couples' on grindr in my area - how do they make it work??

[Ammon]

Well I sure don't want a boyfriend who wants me to arrange his hook ups... That's just messed up.

If your boyfriend is sleeping with others, how you feel isn't jealousy, it's called common sense...

If you believe he would sleep with others when he doesn't that's called paranoïde and if he talks to a guy without any wrong intentions, but you get mad about it that's called jealousy...

[Zen]

I don't think its old fashioned to want to have your boyfriend all to yourself. Some people want monogamy and others don't. It's not wrong for you to expect loyalty, at all!

[Bookworm]

Why did you pursue a relationship with this guy at the beginning if he was already seeing someone else??

[OldbutGood]

I'm an old fart and a hopeless romantic... I call myself a serial monogamist hehehe I've known monogamous couples that have been together for many years... I've also know Poly relationships and it works for them. I have friends who are in so called Open relationships that have also been together for many years. I think the key is to define from the start the kind of relationship you want. It sounds like you would prefer a monogamous relationship and if this guy won't commit to one it's time to move on. Keep in mind that relationships are living things and can change... what you, and he, wanted in the beginning may change over time. One thing I will say is you have to do what you need to do to be happy... to me that's the most important thing.

[deephiance]

Relationships are predominantly monogamous, any thing that deviates from this is a minority of relationships.

What's right and wrong is different in each relationship and the dynamics in each relationship....but if there is a lack of respect in a relationship, is that something that you want to keep going? No matter how much you natter this out I feel he is going to keep straying. The only lesson he will learn is to be more careful next time so you won't find out.

Your happiness is priority

[TwisttheLeaf]

Not everyone is "wired" to share their partner. Monogamy is something that some people need in order to feel both connected and secure in their relationship.

If you're not comfortable sharing, forcing yourself to do so isn't going to go well for you and may be damaging to your emotional stability.

[kirurg]

I think you have to be honest with yourself and with your boyfriend. If you both want different things, it's probably not the best fit for you.

[meridannight]

I'd be able to understand that. He's overseas, he still needs sex and physical contact with another man. It's not how 'modern' relationships work, but it is how some men work.

If you can't accept this, you better make it clear to him *before* he goes out and does anything with anybody. If he doesn't agree and/or you two can't come to a resolution satisfying both of you, then maybe you two are not compatible for a relationship?

[meridannight]

maybe i am old fashioned. In all honesty i would like this sort of thing to work.

But how do i get past the jealousy? I just don't if i can. I notice there are alot of 'couples' on grindr in my area - how do they make it work??

I didn't really answer this part earlier, just glazed over it. Sorry.

I guess some guys can't make it work. It does have something to do with the kind of a person you are, and how you go about being in a relationship. But I don't think it's impossible either. You can at least try, if that's what you want.

In any case, the fact that he's overseas, and that it will most likely be a one-timer with no strings attached, should make it easier. You will never see the guy and your partner is still with you at the end of the day.

Think of it this way: when you're in a relationship, do you not find other guys attractive? Of course you still do. We all do. That drive and pull towards men does not disappear when you settle down with a guy. He does too, and this is just following through on those attractions that are there anyway. But when you both care about each other and the relationship, then what you have with each other is not jeopardized by an attraction felt towards another man, or even sex outside the relationship.

Reality is, none of us is that unique or attractive as to be the only one his partner will want to have sex with. Not even in the monoandrous (the correct term here is monoandrous not monogamous, since we're dealing with men, not females) relationships, this isn't so. Monoandry means both partners have agreed not to act on those attractions, but they still feel it nevertheless. It all adds up to the same thing in the end. I can live with it because of that (I have my own limits, though, after crossing which the relationship will lose its meaning and sense to me).

However, if your whole definition of relationship/love and/or its meaning is based on that principle of both partners giving up acting on their attractions to other men -- if that is inalienable from the concept of the relationship/love itself -- then it is more difficult to accept violations of that. I'm more laid-back about it because I know human nature, and the physical reality of being a man very well. But, like I said, it is about at what point does the relationship lose its meaning when a/both partner(s) sees other guys. Relationship is about two people making a life together. It is not about three or four or 23 people making a shared life with one another. I.e. one can have sex with that many guys, but they don't belong in the relationship, and when it stops being so, that's when it's not working.

So, at one point or another there will come a limit which you can't cross and still call it a relationship. (Open relationship does not mean your partner will get a free pass to sleep with whomever he wants).

You have to figure it out where that limit is for you to understand what you can live with and what you can't. And some of the things you won't know until you experience them. And it could be different with different guys. Maybe one guy you can live with in an open relationship, but with another one you can't. There is no right or wrong, other than what's right or wrong to you personally. And your partner.