Cheating or frustration

[Ajinpa]

LTR 9 years-basic sex I'm always top which I enjoy but I want other stuff and don't think he does or would enjoy - so when itch is too high I scratch - I don't want open relationship I just want some other kinds of sex

Do I ask with possible loss of relationship

Or

Cheat

[Alvin]

Hi, Ajinpa.

May I ask what "other kinds of sex" you refer to?
If it's about switching roles in bed, your concern could be broken down into 6 parts:

1. You wanna explore how it feels likes to bottom.
2. You want your partner to top.
3. You think he doesn't want to top. (As opposed to, he doesn't, as a matter of fact, want to top.)
4. You think that he might leave you because of your request.
5. You don't want open relationship.
6. You've been thinking about cheating on him.

Here is the tricky part. There is no "he" as a subject. In other words, you have no idea what is really on his mind about this issue except for your own assumption. The 4th statement is what bothers and hinders you from asking for it.

The 4th and the 6th are contradictory. If you don't wan to lose him, why would you think of cheating on him? Once he finds out, he will leave you, won't he?
The interrelation between the 5th and the 6th is a bit confusing to me. An open relationship is at least an honest one with discussion, in which both, to their knowledge, are content with having more than one sexual partner. Cheating, however, is not even an honest one with no discussion, which is even worse.

Indeed, you may bear the risk of losing him if he finds "other kinds of sex" extremely unacceptable. Yet, I wonder if one will leave his partner of 9 years simply because his partner wants to have "other kinds of sex with him exclusively."

All comments above are just for reference.

[Ajinpa]

Thank you for seeing it outside my head - a very scary place

[LONDONER]

LTR 9 years-basic sex I'm always top which I enjoy but I want other stuff and don't think he does or would enjoy - so when itch is too high I scratch - I don't want open relationship I just want some other kinds of sex

Do I ask with possible loss of relationship

Or

Cheat

"don't [I]think he does or would enjoy[/I]". Have you considered actually discussing this with him? It might be a safer option rather than thinking of cheating.

[TigerLover]

Yeah I agree with others. You really need to talk to him about your evolving needs.

You won't lose his respect or affection because he already enjoys those same things you're asking for. He would have to be quite a hypocrite to judge you for wanting them too.

[Matt608]

You're a lot more likely to lose him by cheating than by asking for what you want. Also, you sound like a decent guy and I think cheating wouldn't be the answer for you.

That being said, approach it carefully. From something you said, I think a threesome might be on your list. Don't ask for that first. Start with something small, something he might possibly agree to, and go from there. Slowly.

You might try asking him if there are things he'd like to try but is nervous asking for. Ask him if he ever thinks of doing something new, but is afraid to ask because you might get mad. Lol this is called having a conversation, and it's how we accomplish most things in life. Seriously though, you need to talk to him. After 9 years together, I doubt he'd just walk out on you over something like this.

[Cuddly]

Talk to him. Don't cheat. Never cheat.

[TwisttheLeaf]

Are you psychic? If you can read minds then there's no need to talk to him. (I'm being facetious.)

Cheating is a despicable act that displays a fundamental lack of honesty and ethics. Much better to talk with your partner and try to work something out and/or end up breaking things off to move on to find what you want.