Wanting the guys we know are bad for us

[pman117]

This is more of a rhetorical rant than anything but it's something I'm currently going through and it's always fun to see what answers, comments and follow up questions you guys come up.

The main question: "Why do we always seem to want (and sometimes fall in love with) the guys that don't want us? The guys that would rather lie than tell the truth. The guys that would rather sleep around instead of settling with one guy. The guys that repeatedly toy with our feelings and emotions and accept no responsibility or show any remorse for doing so.
Why do we seem to always fall for the assholes/players/charmers in life? What makes them so damn desirable and so freaking difficult to let go, move on from and forget?

It's almost maddening. We spend so much time thinking about them, trying to convince them that we are worth it. They keep us from moving on, keep us wrapped into this mindset of "why don't they appreciate me" and ultimately keep us from meeting better guys that have everything we do actually desire. Those guys that will treat us with the respect and compassion we seek.

There's my psychological, philosophical rant. Have a good rest of the weekend guys!

[Cuddly]

Bad boy complex.
It's weird.

[Genersis]

Never really been in a relationship like this.

But I think maybe most men fall into the "bad boy" category?(and people in general?)

Relationships are difficult, but ending them can often be(at least perceived) as even harder, and many lack the fortitude to do so. So instead they let the relationship coast along, and push and/or break its boundaries.

[Darius]

Why are you saying "we"?

[sillyboy86]

I'm a good boy and I don't want to suffer because of a bad wathever guy or girl... I'm not looking for bad people, I've enough of them in my life.

[MHJG]

The statement 'people always seem to want (and sometimes fall in love with) the guys that don't want them' probably is an availability heuristic - the reliance on the ease of memory search. It may cause the predictable biases in our prediction.

I learn that from a book, and the writer gives an example. People always have an impression that adultery is more common among politicians than among physicians or lawyers. The writer had even come up with explanations for the 'fact' including the aphrodisiac effect of power and the temptations of life away from home. However, he realised that the transgressions of politicians are much more likely to be reported than those of physicians and lawyers. His intuitive impression could be due to journalists' choices of topics and to his reliance on the availability heuristic.

When I first read the question, I thought those players may have more attractive traits like being confident or sweet talkers. They tend to flirt with people more frequently and never take a relationship seriously. After thinking more deeply and considering availability heuristic, I think I always read and hear many stories about falling in love with a bad guy. People who have a good relationship don't usually share their love life publicly. The most important thing is most people I know in real life never love a bad guy. The statement may just happen in a few people life.

[Alvin]

Why are you saying "we"?

I'll second that.

[meridannight]

This hasn't happened to me. I can't say I fall for assholes. If a guy is being a jerk to me, it's the end of the interaction between him and me right there.

[Justaguy]

I've never really understood it. To me a bad guy is just that, a bad guy, I don't really see the appeal or "want" someone like that.

[Confuzzled4]

Well, this is true for me. My asshole former best friend who is closeted and a narcissist. I'd liken it to idealizing the other person, you just ignore all the flaws. There's times they are charming, and make it seem like they care, just enough for them to have control.