Why Can't People Just Tell The Truth?

[Matt608]

I haven't posted much because I joined the forum and almost immediately ended up in the middle of a nasty breakup. Which leads to the million dollar question: Why can't people just tell the truth?

My ex and I were together 5 years. We lived together for 4, and a couple years ago we started a business together. About 6 months ago, he apparently got infatuated with some 19 year old guy (my ex is 40). That would have been a good time to tell the truth, but instead he chose to sneak around and cheat and lie.

I guess the kid had expensive tastes, and my ex found himself overextended. That would have been a really good time to just tell the truth, but instead he chose to divert (polite word for 'steal' that the lawyer loves to use) money from our business, and from one of my accounts that he had access to.

So we've split up. And once the new BF found out that I own the condo we were living in, that my ex's nice car was a lease through the business (no longer available to him), and that the "big business" my ex "owned" was a partnership in a modest antiques/collectables shop - he dumped him too.

I'm hurt, angry, disappointed, disgusted. I'm furious at him for being such an asshole and at myself for believing in him. I'm royally pissed that he spent all that money (his AND mine) on this kid. I hate his immaturity, he said he was "feeling old" and he was flattered by the attention from a 19 year old. I'm 25 for fucksake, does that put me "over the hill"? And, according to him, I'm the bad guy here because I have my condo while he's staying with his sister. I can afford to get by while this mess is being sorted out. He can't. And hee keeps saying I can't just throw away 5 years over one mistake. Only, to me, it wasn't a mistake - it was a deliberate choice. He chose to lie to me, over and over again. He thinks I'm pissed off about sex and money. But that's not what it's about. It's about deceit and deception. It's about trust.

I don't know how it would have worked out if he'd told the truth from the start, but it for damn sure would have been better than this.

[sillyboy86]

Sorry for the weird bad situation, Your ex is way older than you but actually you seems to be the adult of the couple. As humans we mostly lie due to stupidity and fear, a mixture of both.

I think you should leave him doing his life, and go on with your life too, the fact you're younger doesn't mean you have more time to spend nearby an asshole. I don't know if he deserves a second chance, but I don't think so.
Take your time, maybe, if you can't live without him you will look for him in the future, but to in the meantime he would probably have another crush for a younger boy, then beg you etc.

[InbetweenDreams]

I don't know. I mean I wish there was a good answer. 25 isn't hardly old...He should have felt lucky that someone 15 years younger was interested in him... Don't know much about him but from the sounds of it, seems like a bit of pervert being into a 19 year old. I mean what do you really expect to get out of someone who is barely out of high school anyway?

You did take him to court? I hope?

Pretty disgusting what people end up doing...at any rate, if you suspect weird things are happening, definitely look into it. I mean like you said, it is clear he made way more than one mistake... I mean embezzlement and cheating is a lot more than fucking up a time or two if you ask me....

I guess somewhere there is a nice honest guy who will do you right...but I can't say where you will find him. Thankfully, you're 25 and plenty young and have time to find the right guy.

[Alvin]

25 is not even close to getting old! Otherwise, how could I possibly survive at the age 27

[Genersis]

Wow, can't believe how you presumably nudged him to fess up, multiple times, and he chose not to.
Personally, I think you did the right thing.
Sounds like he might be only attracted to teens and early 20's folk or something if he was that desperate to keep his affair going.

Just try not make him resent you anymore than is necessary. I'm not saying you should be nice to him or anything, but it might help in avoid bumps down the road/prolonging conflict.
Keep in mind, from his point of view, he probably thinks you've taken everything important away from him, so be careful.

[LJay]

He lied to you and stole your money. The fact that he did it because he was infatuated with someone is his problem.

[MHJG]

Your ex sounds like a 18-year-old boy. Leave him.

[MikeW]

Why can't people just tell the truth?

Assuming your question isn't just rhetorical: There are a lot of reasons. In this case I'm going to forward the hypothesis (not knowing your x at all) that he was dishonest with himself about what he REALLY wants when he got involved with you. He wanted you, yes, he maybe even has real feelings for you, but he ALSO wanted the icing on the cake... that is, NOT a monogamous relationship. Men are often dishonest with themselves (or, at least conflicted) about what they REALLY want. Perhaps they feel guilty about it. Perhaps because what they want in the first moment (you) doesn't satisfy other parts of the self that wanted 'something else' (a 19yo). Knowing that he had a committed relationship, knowing (I presume) you'd hardly be 'ok' with him 'playing around' outside the relationship ... especially with with someone that wasn't going to be a 'one night stand'... he CHOSE to lie, cheat AND steal.

You're absolutely right: The core issue here isn't the sex or the money, it is the lack of integrity as a person. He has proven he can NOT be trusted. Ever. At all. Without genuine trust... that the other guy will *at least* be honest with you about what he wants (even if he fears the consequences)... there can BE no relationship.

So, your relationship ended some time ago when your man choose to do something he knew was wrong on a LOT of levels. You just didn't know it yet. Its good that you see his whining manipulations for exactly what they are. And, yeah, you have every right and reason to be ROYALLY pissed. If he's stolen money from you, there are potential criminal charges here if you wanted to take it there.

IMO, most guys lie because a) they don't know their own truth... what is actually true for them; and b) because, even if they do, they either don't know HOW to express it or FEAR expressing it... fear of loss, of rejection, of who knows what. But fear.

It is unfortunate that men build relationships WITHOUT knowing the fundamental truth of themselves and, by extension, one another, so *conscious* choices can be made.

[MikeW]

... Don't know much about him but from the sounds of it, seems like a bit of pervert being into a 19 year old. I mean what do you really expect to get out of someone who is barely out of high school anyway? ...

I don't want to take this thread off topic... but I do want to ask do you really feel that someone is a "pervert" if they have consensual intergenerational sex? If so, then I'm a pervert. The last guy I was with is 19 years old and I am 69. He pursued me on Grindr... I had no problem with it. He was a really nice guy, very cute, sexy, and knew exactly what he wanted. He's versatile but predominantly a top. I have no problem with that... I'll say this, for as young as he is, he knew exactly what he was doing and was quite good at it. .... NO... there was no finical exchange here.

When he first showed up at my door I asked, "What is it, you have some sort of GRANDPA kink or something? You do realize I was 50yo when you were born, right?" His answer was a grin and a smile, "No, not really, I just like older men." I grimaced a bit. "There's older and then there's "ancient"... I'm more in the later category." He laughed at that. "Well, that many be," he said, "but you're a fucking hot grandpa... so lets get to it!"

So... am I a pervert?

Obviously I do not think so. It was fun. And I wouldn't be surprised if I saw him again. As to what we have in common? Probably not much... but so what? We're not dating. LOL!!

[LJay]

OH, Mike, you make me feel better about being anient than you could imagine!

Also appreciate your comments about the OP. Glad that you are around.