It's About Time I Went On Another Rant

[InbetweenDreams]

This is probably going to be long, rambling, probably whiney and bitchy. I'm not wanting anyone to feel sorry or badly, I arrived here at this point in my life all on my own. Frankly, I feel pretty lucky to be where I am for all the foolishness I've been in for the last 5 years (the last 5 years in particular). These are all first world problems.

Social media has got to be one of the worst poisons anyone can take. I see some post, a meme or whatever and I have the tendency to self-reflect. I see a post, which is supposed to be funny and I suppose it is. Perhaps I take it personally because I sometimes see myself as being the punchline. Maybe I'm being too hard on myself and maybe because it is true.

I had to file for bankruptcy back in February. I simply pissed away so much money on stupid stuff, bad choices, etc, etc over the last 5 years that I would be 70 by the time I got out of debt if ever. I have a decent job and pay is ok, it's not great but anyone who can manage money should be able to get by for the most part. Money is an issue, money is what seems to hold me back. I look at my sister's marriage and how they deal with money. My sister in her case makes double what her husband makes, so I should think that money should be no object. However, that is not the case, at least it hasn't been with me. In terms of dating and relationships seems that a lot of guys take issue with money. I've been told that they would be afraid I would begrudge me because I would make more money than you and I've been told that I need to get another job that pays $60k a year and on and on. I'm all for more money but I like the job I have and it is stable, have really good benefits, leave, retirement and so on. So financial issues are keeping any relationship I've been in from going anywhere. After all, I'm not that great looking, average at best. My body isn't that great either, kind of fat and seems now I have some skin issue which I can't figure out how to stop. So yay, I have scars all over that take 6 months to clear up. I have trouble with weight, so people aren't hitting me up because I have a nice body unless you're into chubby guys I guess.

My last partner wouldn't have sex, it went on for over 2 years like that. We did a few times at first and then it stopped. First he told me we were too fat....which is bullshit. We're both overweight and all, but definitely not too fat for sex. Then he finally told me it was over my money issues, because I wasted money on stuff (on credit cards) and because of that he would have to pay for us to go out to diner. I admit, that isn't fair for him to be put in that position. However, by that point my debt problem was out of control, so whether I bought some crap or not, my monthly budget basically allows me about $200 for the month for gas, groceries or whatever else. So there was no way I'm buying diner at the places he wanted to go to. Basically, once I got my paycheck. After I paid all my bills I would have on average $200 left for normal expenses like groceries. I literally had $1600-1800 and more at times in bills every month and I don't pay rent, so that should give you an idea just how much crap I racked up.

All the financial madness began in 2015. All started with leaving a shitty job for my now present job and I guess I must have been out of my mind because looking back sure doesn't make sense. Bought a car I really couldn't afford that also had issues which led me to trade it in for another car and somehow I managed to yet get another car that I currently have. Anyone reading, don't do that. Don't go trading in cars that you're upside down on and roll negative equity into a new loan. That's what really did me in, being an impulse buyer just made it worse. I actually had money just months before I bought the car. Call it what you will, mid-life crisis, stupidity, insanity. I did it and am facing the consequences of those actions.

I am ashamed of myself and I honestly try not to think about it, the reality that I'm in my 30's, live at home with my parents and now in bankruptcy. I have nothing to show. I'm a bit awkward socially, a bit of an introvert. I also feel that there aren't any attributes I have that would draw people to me. All the things that people look for in a partner, I just don't have. I'm not hot, maybe I was 5-6 years ago but no, no I'm not. I don't have any money, although having done bankruptcy there might be a light at the end of the tunnel. I haven't had sex in who knows how long. I tried to have sex but didn't work out (I'll explain). I've been having weird stuff go on with my stomach in the last 3 years...I'm not too worried but I really can't spend they money on medical tests to possibly find out what it is because I simply don't have it. I just have to do without and hope for the best. That's the reality here in the US, even though I have "good benefits" it still doesn't make things affordable. It just turns what would be $40k to $2k. I had an endoscopy done back in 2015, the hospital charged insurance $40,000 for an outpatient endoscopy for which they found nothing wrong, it cost me about $1,000 which of course was put on a credit card. So I'm avoiding looking further into it over fear I'll be right back in debt and having to put life on hold again. I really want to get on with things.

I do think the bankruptcy will give me a fresh start. It gives me the chance to get back to where I was in 2015 and be able to do the right thing instead of buying another car. Speaking of cars. I probably should look at getting another vehicle soon. Not that there's anything wrong with it but remember how i said I rolled one car loan into another and then another and another again. That has made the payment on this car very expensive, although the car is great on gas as I've mentioned in other threads. But $590/month is a bit much when it really should be more like $300. At the same time I don't want to give that car up for something that is a piece of shit.

In the US, in most US states, you can keep your car. In my case I have no equity in the car so there's no reason to keep the car. You can reaffirm the loan which makes you responsible for the debt again, you can redeem the car which mean I would have had to come up with $30k which if I had $30k why would I file for bankruptcy or 3. keep making payments. That is known as a "ride through" where the bank will simply let you keep the car as long as you make payments and because you didn't reaffirm the debt all they can do is take the car back. In my case they would rather me keep making payments because the car's value is much less than what I owe on it, by a lot.

So buying a car after bankruptcy is dicey because banks don't really want to loan you money but at the same time they know you can't file for bankruptcy again. However, the only way you're going to buy anything worth a crap is to have some money saved up to make a sizable down-payment. Whatever you borrow cannot exceed the wholesale value of what you're buying. In other words the bank isn't going to take a risk of losing money if they have to repo the car. Despite all that, given what is going on right now. Buying a car is the last thing I'm worried about. Right now it is save up what I can and hope I don't get furloughed.

Last year, not too long after I got back from my trip. I started the keto diet. I was up over 250 lbs and I was definitely feeling it. I got back into running and biking and lost about 43 lbs...but once the time changed back and started getting dark, cold and rain all the time. I stopped, plus holidays. I gained most of it back, if not all. I'm not happy about it. The pandemic is making it worse and sometimes I eat out of boredom. It would be nice to get back under 200 but I'm a good ways away and I do have to ask myself. Why am I doing it? To hope that people will find me attractive? So I don't die before my time? I mean I do have a niece now and I do want to be a part of her life as there is a good chance she'll be the closest thing to having kids of my own. So why not be the best Uncle I can be. However, I feel like telling myself I'm doing it for health is a lie. Of course, everyone wants to be loved, everyone wants to be accepted for who they are. However, it seems that isn't the truth, or perhaps I've been scrolling around on Grindr a bit too much out of boredom. Hell, I don't even bother to message people anymore. Apparently we're all supposed to be cam models and keep dirty pictures at the ready to see if we make the cut for "Face Pic Only" or "Hosting2nite." Yes, I know 99% of the guys on Grindr are there just to hook up, not to go on dates. However, seems most of the gay guys in this area are on Grindr. I know of no other dating apps or sites that are actually for dating where there are more than 2 people. Yes, I know, I need to move to a bigger city to meet more people. I'm honestly undecided on that. I know I don't want to move to a huge city like Atlanta. Has to be somewhere I like for one.

I also feel like I am a bit too picky for my own good. I know it isn't really fair to expect people not to have expectations on looks, physique and so on when you yourself have expectations on looks, physique and so on. Everyone has their own standard, everyone has something they're attracted to sexually or not. I do sometimes question whether I should pursue a relationship with a guy or not. However, I also feel a bit trapped. Just because I feel like I could go both ways and think I could just date a woman out of the blue. I think the reality is, I probably can't. I've never had sex with a woman, so how would I know I would even like it...perhaps I would, perhaps not. My initial feelings are that the gender doesn't matter as much as being able to make a connection and that both of us are in it for the long haul and that we're not going to break things off just as soon as things get difficult.

That's why I ended it with my last partner. He wasn't willing to weather the storm. Do I blame him? No, not really. I'm just over it. It does make me a bit more cynical knowing that the minute I lose my job, get fat, health problem they're out the door or perhaps fucking someone else on the side. Speaking of. I never in my life ever considered cheating on someone but I came kind of close to be honest. I was talking someone for a while. They wanted to hook up, or so it seemed. I explained to them that I hadn't exited my relationship and would have to wait. You know what they did after I ended my relationship. They ghosted me. Now, I could go on but I'll let sleeping dogs lie.

I feel kind of bad that the notion of cheating entered my head. It was over 2 years without sex and I honestly didn't have sex that often. Either way, next time, I'm sure it will be awful and will probably just be blocked the next morning. I mean if you can't screw like they do on PornHub, I mean are you even gay?

I cannot imagine being gay back in the 60's, 70's and so on. Not only to deal with this kind of crap, but all the hate and brainwashing. Just insane.

It seems that I'm being offered a clean slate. Hopefully this time I get it right. I do wonder if I'll end up being alone or if I'll end up with someone, a family. Things that I would like to achieve and if I do have kids not be 75 when they graduate high school.

Hopefully I didn't drone on too much. I realize that most of my problems are my own fault. I got myself here and had I made better choices back then I might have been in a better spot. Of course, with the pandemic going on there might not have been much of a parachute. Perhaps things happen for a reason, maybe this is a soft landing, or perhaps I'm completely wrong and am going off the side of the grand canyon.

Sorry, for the long bitchy post and all these first world problems and making it all about me me me me me.

[Bhp91126]

Impressive. Maybe you should write novels, since writing seems to come real easy to you.

You’ve let a lot sh.t pile up. But you are working at getting out from under it. I admire your stamina last year to lose 43 lbs, I can only dream of that. The most I lose at a time is about 10 lbs and then I start making “compromises” or ice cream is on special....

I hope your personal bankruptcy will work out and things will be easier afterwards. Being in your 30s and living with your folks again must be a bummer and I’m sure doesn’t help the dating life

One thing you do not mention is if you have any friends, where you live or online, who you can TALK to, or what your social life is like.

Keep on digging yourself out from under your pile and think more about what you can reach in time than what is missing now.

[InbetweenDreams]

@Bhp91126 I have given some thought on writing. I think one of the biggest hurdles is coming up with a story worth reading. I do keep a journal one that I've kept since 2005 although it is digital, I do still write in it every now and then.

I do have a few friends but it is apparently bad manners to bring up all my drama with them, whether to vent or seek advice, or perhaps I don't keep the best of friends. One of my friends doesn't really like me bringing some of this stuff up because I'm being "negative" and while I can drone on. I don't think I am being negative, I just try to think through things and sometimes I am trying to seek advice and not just vent. Other friends it seems just drift out of my life. Either they get busy or just hang out less often. When I started dating the last guy I stopped hanging out with some friends because I was spending all my free time with him.

I don't really have any "online" friends per say, I guess that's here lol

Socially, I'm an introvert. That being said I do like to talk and have come a pretty good way in coming out of my shell. I would normally never consider opening up to anyone about anything.

Well, this isn't the only time I've lost weight, this is about 3 times. Unfortunately it seems overall I'm gaining more the older I get, so probably doomed. Seems I can keep my act together in the summer only to go back to my old ways in the winter. Perhaps I should move to Florida...but then the summers are too hot. Just need to find a place where it is warm enough to keep doing stuff outdoors.

I wish I could say that I'm back living with my parents...I can't really say that with a straight face. I was briefly moved out in 2014. Back then I worked as an IT manager for a small property management company. They did marinas and had a hotel. They "promoted" to work at a new property they had taken over about 75 miles away. The new property had a bunch of cabins and they would rent these cabins out to employees. I ended up doing that, which was a mistake. One I was supposed to be on call all the time, secondly, no internet or cell service. Yes, they had internet but it was a lousy network setup and despite my trying they would not invest in making the changes. So as long as the place was empty I had internet, but as soon as people came in no internet. No phones, no internet and the nearest town was 30 minutes away. So it was very isolating, just about as bad as dealing with COVID-19. I did that for about 3 months. Then I got the job I have now and damn lucky. I don't bitch about having to do extra things or deal with extra people, because it is nothing like where I was so I try to not be complacent.

Hopefully, I start making wiser choices with money...money is the big thing. Let's hope I don't end up getting furloughed.

[Alvin]

Wow, I have to say it's a good story with all the candid portraits of your life.

The topic of financial security has never been more important nowadays due to the pandemic. Have you ever tried saving some of your monthly income? If you look on the bright side, it's not necessarily a bad thing living with your parents since you don't need to pay for rents and utilities. As a result, you'll have more disposable income, which, in my view, means that you can save some money on a regular basis. Bit by bit, you'll be able to move out again if you want. What do you think?

Relationship-wise, this is the trickiest part of probably everyone's life, for it takes two(well... maybe more if you are committed to an open relationship but that's another story) to form a stable relationship and it just won't work when one of you starts to question it out of financial concern. Without honest discussion between the two, it gets worse.

To me, when the possibility of a long-term relationship is elusive, the best we can do is to invest in ourselves. The keto diet sounds like a good start. I tried keto diet back in 2014 without realizing it. Back then, I was quite chubby, too. Like you said, it worked miraculously together with exercising. The hardest part is to maintain what we have achieved. During the lockdown, if you can't get out or it just rains heavily, try some workouts at home. With a set of adjustable dumbbells(no fancy brands or designs, just a set of them for beginners) and a resistant band(or you don't need them at all), you're ready to go. I've been doing workouts at home(no need to pay for the gym, money saved! Hooray!) for years, and it works pretty well. There're tons of workout videos for people with various conditions on YouTube. For example, workouts with low-impact modifications are great for the overweighted or knee pain while "bodyweight only" workouts are ideal for those without any equipments. Some of them are real-time from 30 mins to even 90 mins, you can pick your poison accordingly. I highly recommend a channel "Fitness Blender", where they offer free workouts. Anyway, the bottomline is to eat healthily and exercises regularly. If you ever end up eating out of boredom, don't blame yourself so hard. Just count them as extra calories and work your ass hard to shake if off. How's that?

Speaking of age, it saddens me when you say that you're in your 30s and feel like you might be hot 5-6 years ago but not anymore. No, people can be hot at any age because the concept of "being hot" should not be merely defined by age itself. Maybe it's the downward spiral of health, weight, job, money, and, relationship that leads you to this self-defeating attitude. Yes, it doesn't look appealing when you have too chubby a figure, and yes, few people wants to commit to a long-term relationship when there's a lack of financial security. But you're not doomed for the rest of your life. And as you've said, you're having a fresh start. Work it out step by step, and you'll be grand.

It takes time for an introvert to shine in front of others. Based on my experience, shy people are very funny when you get to know them. The power of being an introvert is understated. You see, you're good at writing. Keep up the good work!

P.S. $40,000 on the insurance company and $1,000 on your own for just an endoscopy?! That's what I call "Scheiße!". I've had it last year(both gastroscopy and colonoscopy) with anaesthetics and it cost me $400 at most. With the health insurance, it's even less.

[marshlander]

i can't claim to have much to say that will help, but I do think you are brave for expressing all these concerns in such a public way. I am truly shocked that a country that prides itself on being the land of the free enslaves or excludes so many of its citizens through its healthcare system. I have two children in the USA, one of whom is currently looking for a new job while the other is a dentist who gives some of his time to people who cannot otherwise afford dental treatment. The way people are thrown on the scrap heap fills me with horror. I really hope the unemployed one doesn't need any healthcare for him or his family any time soon.

You are not alone in living with parents when in your thirties. It is certainly much more common here in the UK these days. I was married for twenty years and when my marriage finally and inevitably came to an end I went to live with my widowed father. I was in my fifties and still living with him when he died.

The over-spending and the self-doubt ... have you ever thought you might be prone to depression? It is a horrible condition that saps the life out of anyone who has to live with it. I don't suppose you are in a position to be able to afford counselling or look at drug therapy, so are there things you might do to distract yourself from your worries? My experience of trying to cope with the things i can't deal with is that they paralyse me and prevent me achieving anything useful at all. Most of the time I could function to a point if I managed to drag myself out of bed and get to work. It was mainly in those periods between tasks that I found every excuse not to do something.

I don't know if any of this resonates with you at all, but I think you recognise that in the end there may be changes you can make that might make a difference. Most of my friends and contacts within social networks are more interested in recycling, making more of less or, in terms of their vehicles, restoring, converting or simply sustaining their vehicles and do not have the slightest interest in buying something bigger or newer. While it is a little weird for me to come back to GaySpeak after many years absence and see that there are people in the world who have other priorities I suppose it is also a bit of a reality check.

This isn't meant to sound like a lecture, so I hope it doesn't come across as one, but my experience of relationships are that they come along when I have been least ready for them. I thought that, after my marriage ended (we were friends at 16, married at 19, parents eleven months after that) I would have time to enjoy my missed teenage years ... specially after having finally come out. That didn't really happen because I met the wonderful man who has been my rock for the past seventeen-plus years.

Everyone's path is different, but somewhere along the way there will be some nice metaphorical flowers and some real distractions. I wish you the courage and the strength to look up every once in a while and catch a glimpse of some of those. My very best wishes to you.

[InbetweenDreams]

I'll come back with a more detailed reply. I have to go into work today (I only have to be physically at work once a week these days, work from home the rest).

Saving money before the bankruptcy was impossible. I could have, in theory, waited it out for about 3 years and some things might have been paid down. Credit cards are designed to keep you in debt should you run a balance. Once you start spending more than you can pay off at the end of the month you're in the trap. Next thing you know you're getting faced with either euthanizing your cat for cough up $3,000. My cat had an urinary obstruction and almost killed him. Anyone with financial sense would have suggested to do that and they did, but what a let down. We're not talking about goldfish here, not that goldfish aren't a lesser of a living being but yeah. Anyway, I won't jump into that.

I did have a treadmill and the key went missing. I think it was thrown out. That aside I get sort of dizzy when I'm on those things. Good news is that some of the trails around here are open. I hadn't ventured out over there to find out. So I'll have all the hiking I can stand. Also, very few people, if ever, hike the trail that I'm looking at doing. If I wanted to do the whole thing it would probably take 2-3 days as it is about 25 miles up and down several mountains.

It does seem that men and maybe it's around here, maybe it's an American thing. If you're not a twink, bodybuilder, or some label you can grab off the shelf, you're not attractive. If you're not willing to send pics of your asshole (I get that we're gay and all but really? I don't need to see) you're a prude. Then again, that's probably my own fault for messing around on Grindr. Although I have zero expectations and seldom if ever message anyone.

I honestly, never thought of myself as being a "good writer." I supposed I'm not bad. I try to use proper punctuation and such. It would be neat if I could get some sort of brainstorm going to write a novel. I can't imagine doing a manuscript or an autobiography, just don't think anyone would want to read it.

As far the endoscopy. Hospitals will bill insurance companies as much as possible because the insurance companies will go back and forth before they settle on what they will pay out. It's a crime, because I feel that most of the costs are coming from the paper pushers and not the actual service. I used to have the bill but not sure if I kept it or not. I think they billed $400 for the saline.

[InbetweenDreams]

@"marshlander" I probably do have some degree of depression. I was "diagnosed" with "generalized anxiety disorder" which I have to say is a fair assessment. I was diagnosed after having a panic attack after winding up in the ER. That was back in 2014, I had never had a panic attack prior to that and that was also while I was at my old job which between stress... smoking of the gonja and lots of coffee I think triggered it. It was pretty damn scary, especially not have had one before. My limbs all went tingly and numb. I thought I was having a heart attack for sure and it went on for a good 30 minutes before things went back to normal. They also found my potassium level was low.

Getting back to depression. Yeah I have been there. I have had some run ins with suicidal thoughts and so on. I have been to a therapist (for the anxiety), I have tried various medications. I think the best medicine is staying busy and exploring new hobbies. Only problem with hobbies is they tend to be expensive. I had a drone, expensive. I got into oil painting, expensive. I got into amateur radio, expensive. I got into bike riding and running, not quite as expensive. I have gone in and out of so many "hobbies" it's no wonder I went broke. Most people don't get to dabble in all these things. So, I feel kind of ashamed that I was that irresponsible. I mean simply put that's what my problem is. I see something, I figure out a way in my head to rationalize buying it, even if I don't have the money. Frankly, I'd say I ought to stay away from credit cards period.

I actually look forward to work most of the time. Perhaps sounds kind of weird, perhaps, but I like what I do, I like the people I work with and it's at an organization that does good. I'm not lining the pockets of some scumbag millionaire. I'm helping people get an education. While it is hard to get out of bed because I don't always sleep well, it is something that takes my attention off myself and all my shortcomings.

Post bankruptcy. I probably can afford to do therapy again. Being that everything was so far away, I would lose track of what I wanted to talk about during the session on the drive. Not sure why that happened. It was a chore. It would be days that I would drive over 100 miles... 19 to work....about 45 to the therapist and about 36 back home on those days. It that was only once every couple of weeks.

As far as getting into shape and losing weight. I know how to lose weight, that's not really a problem. The problem is keeping it off. I lost 43 lbs from June to October of last year. The problem I see is that what I do is not sustainable. Everything I have come across suggests that we humans are not evolved to lose weight, but to gain it. Nature does not expect abundance like we know it. NOVA had a good episode come out that seemed to deal with these are separate things. You exercise not to lose weight but to stay healthy, you diet to control weight. Sumo wrestlers who are 400+ lbs are actually healthy athletes. Although shortly after they stop training they become unhealthy. That being said, I'm not making excuses. I just can't stay on a diet. It seems to be the winter months where I fall off the wagon. Of course, this year I'm off to a rocky start with the pandemic but does seem I can still go outdoors and go to places.

You know, it would be really cool to restore an old car. Most of the desired cars are way out beyond what I could afford. But a lot of the boats from the 70's and 80's are probably more attainable...but I don't really know what I am doing. I know nothing about rebuilding carburetors, dealing with timing issues, and all the many many problems that a 40+ year old car would have... It would just end up in the front yard lol. It would have to be something that I do with someone else who does know what they're doing.

[marshlander]

@InbetweenDreams

It sounds like you have the solutions, but the maybe need something to help spark the right amount of motivation? Maybe take a small step? Then let us know? At least we can cheer for you.

Like I may have said, I'm probably better at asking questions than providing answers.

Best wishes

[InbetweenDreams]

@InbetweenDreams

It sounds like you have the solutions, but the maybe need something to help spark the right amount of motivation? Maybe take a small step? Then let us know? At least we can cheer for you.

Like I may have said, I'm probably better at asking questions than providing answers.

Best wishes

Talking about losing weight? Only thing I can do is try to stay as active as possible. Being in the IT field you don't have do much physical work. Healthy food is going to have to taste a lot better too.

The thing is I know that the odds are stacked against me and anyone else who needs to lose weight and so on. Yes, you can lose the weight but most people will gain all of it back and more. This yo-yo'ing up and down probably isn't good for myself either. I'm probably better off trying to make smaller changes or just stay active. I honestly don't know.

I do think that once I get to the point where I can finally move out, I think being able to balance things out will be easier, or so I think anyway.

[CellarDweller]

Talking about losing weight? Only thing I can do is try to stay as active as possible. Being in the IT field you don't have do much physical work. Healthy food is going to have to taste a lot better too.

The thing about being active is that it's not just going to happen. You have to make the choice to be active.

I say that as someone who lost a lot of weight, and then stopped being active and it came back.

Now I'm working on being active at least once a day for 45 minutes. If I can, I work a second session of activity in. I've started doing this since isolation started on March 12, and I've lost between 15 - 20 pounds so far.