I hope with all my heart to be wrong

[AlexBravo]

There are many thoughts haunting my head but this is the most recurring
 
Yesterday an old friend asked me 
- Did you find all you wanted until today?
 
I just smiled and answered 
- yes!, of course and more! Jajaja
 
But later I thought about every single thing that i ever wanted and I started to search for.
 
When I started this race called “gay life”, ‘cause for me, we’re not like the other people’s life, we bear a lot pressure. Our community is based in our costumes or how we looks like and that thought just makes me feel sadness and hopeless, ‘cause if I remember every goal that I have, many of them there are in my career and how am I like a person. But in the other part in that’s main part called love, well…i think that I'm going to die alone. 
I mean, when i meet a guy it all starts wonderful and i try to do the best for both of us, I try to be a example for him ‘cause for me my lover is not my other half, he’s a complete man, the man who chose me and do it again every day and i chose him to share all our life every day, learn from each other and stay together for that love, not for the compromise, not for a debt, not for other damn thing. But when I saw the other man, I just saw a selfish man, an angry man and a lonely man and the only thing they have in common is sex, but not love, and then i just give up. 
 
I’m tired of knowing guys who the only thing that they wants is a quick deal or the other guys who just say things like “we’ll be together forever” well, that kind of guy scares me ‘cause the mostly part of the time they never do what they promise.
 
I wonder if maybe I’m overthinking everything and all is better than that, I wish is it, The worst about us come out when we getting older and just look around and our memories are the new company, there is not anyone around us ‘cause everyone are busy doing the same as we did before and we desperately start looking for company and love, the regret never gone and many of us live with other person that don’t love, just for the scare to loneliness.
 
I know that not everyone is doing it but my head is still spinning around 'cause while more people I know I'm more convinced that this is our destiny and that apparently the curse does exist and that there is not happy ending for us.
 
Some people call it "nothing is worse" ... I disagree, for now I can only avoid the topic and smile like that day hoping to find someone who thinks the same and decides to stay.
 
I apologize for my way of writing, I asked for help but I ended up writing other things to practice jeje
 

[Bhp91126]

Hey Alex, being gay is not a race. There are no medals for most hookups or longest relationship, best friends, etc. When I was newly out I knew that I had to be active to find friends and possibly boyfriends, so I started to play volleyball with a gay team and I also volunteered at the local GLBT center. I met many of my friends and some boyfriends that way. More to come

[InbetweenDreams]

@"AlexBravo" Well, I definitely missed out on the costume area. Never was much on style or making myself "look" gay. I can tell you that you're not alone in feeling like that. Things normally do start off well in a relationship. People do tend to act better, try to set good examples. I'm definitely guilty of that. I'm definitely guilty of putting people on a pedestal too. It's all wrong though, The trouble is it takes time to really know someone and after the new car smell wears off the relationship the demons start coming out of the closet. You really do have love someone to deal with all their bullshit and for them to deal with all of yours.

Like I want kids at some point, but I also don't want to be 70 at their graduation. I can't even begin to think about that because every guy I've dated hits the road after the first speed bump. Do I blame them? No, not really. I just have to move on, try to be a better person than the day before.

That being said. Yes, I think you're overthinking it all. One thing is you don't have to live a lonely life alone just because you're single. Doesn't mean you won't meet someone. Even now when you're 20's...or even if it takes until you're 40 to meet the person who you'll spend the rest of your days with. You're young, attractive, don't worry so much about meeting someone who's going to stick around for the long haul. Most guys simply aren't up for the task. Take those experiences with dating other guys to figure out what you want and don't want.

Life definitely isn't all sunshine and rainbows. If I knew where I was going to be at in life at 33, I would be disappointed...and well I am disappointed, but I have to face the music.

[Bhp91126]

Sorry, just had my daily call with my mom in Germany. Other ways to meet people is to take classes for things you’re interested in.

About people using you. People can only use you, if you allow it.

I don’t know what the situation for gay people in Colombia is, but I could imagine that many gays are unhappy being gay because of being in the closet, discrimination, physical danger, prejudice, unsupportive families etc. Internalized homophobia is something these gays have to overcome themselves, you can only help but not do it for them.

[AlexBravo]

@Bhp91126 I understand you and believe that the same is simply that, even if I do not allow it, the fact of meeting more people under the same thought that the most important thing is who I am, is so minimal that it is discouraging, besides, I have been warned. that all I see is even a mirage, the same as the first date.

---

@InbetweenDreams That was beautiful and it's the same thing that I repeat in my head every day because I am a person looking for something different and difficult to find and I just have to keep moving, but all these thoughts are in my head and writing is a good way to meet me again

[Chase]

Hi Alex,
finding a significant other can be hard for everybody. When I look at straight people, it's much easier for them to find someone, but very few are compatible. More often than not, straight people end up getting stuck together in loveless marriages because of money, societal pressure, and the biggest cause: they have children. We gay guys have to be careful not get to get an STD when having sex, but we're lucky in that we don't have to worry about accidental pregnancies. My parents used to fight all the time, my big brother is divorced and lost custody of his son, and my little brother has arguments with his wife all the time.
When I worked in a nursing home, most were widows and widowers. There were some who made long lasting relationships, and I never truly learned their secret. I wish I did. Some of the residents were single for life, maybe some of them were gay, but it was never my place to ask, but at least one of the single men had a peaceful, content, happiness to him.

Finding a boyfriend can be hard. Nobody is perfect. I'd like to tell you to just accept that you will never find a perfect partner, and learn to overlook people in their faults, but do be careful on settling for someone who is abusive. I dated one guy who I tried settling for, and he ended up abusing me. Thankfully, I cut contact with him. I have lost some decent guys who could have been perfect partners though, simply because I wasn't attracted to them. My last ex-boyfriend I was attracted to, especially at first, but once the "love at first sight" wore off, I noticed the flaws in his appearance. I didn't care about these, I wasn't perfect looking myself, nobody is, and all the supermodels and movie stars that look perfect are airbrushed like crazy. What ended it was a failure to compromise on where we were going to live, and when. He didn't want me to finish college, and wanted me to move to other side of the country.

We often have these crazy thoughts in our heads that we made mistakes. One time, there was a shooting threat at a college I was at. I thought for sure I was going to die. As I was locked away in a room, all I could think about was how I made a mistake. That if I had moved, I could be with my ex, enjoying beautiful weather, and not about to die from being shot by a coward with a gun. After surviving, my rational brain slowly started taking over. My therapist helped me realize I could just as easily have been homeless or worse with my ex.

For me, it helps to let go of the idea that I may never have a "forever" relationship. I've had a summertime romance and heartbreak, and I never could have truly understood all those songs, poems, and other art forms that express that, if not for my ex. My relationship did not work, but ultimately, I have a greater grasp of the human experience thanks to him.

Finding a monogamous, faithful partner is hard, especially finding one you are attracted to (both sexually and personality-wise). It's hard, annoying, frustrating, and heart-breaking. That is the bitter reality. The alternative is to be alone, which doesn't have to be so bad, but if a forever-boyfriend is what you want, go for it. Apps like Grindr and JackD are terrible places to find one - they are only for guys looking for sex. Let me repeat that - they are ONLY for guys looking for sex. My first ex I met on Grindr, and it was just for sex at first, and it grew from there. My second ex I met on OkCupid. Websites like OKC and Match tend to have more guys looking for relationships, but they are slow as Hell. I started going to gay bars, and they aren't exactly where people come to find long lasting relationships, but they are okay at making friends. Friends can turn into boyfriends, you never know.

[AlexBravo]

Hello @Chase , it is exactly how I understand @InbetweenDreams comment, views and the fact that I'm owner of my destiny, but in that specific area it is difficult and believe me I have come to the same as you. "That will not happen, there will be a limit on everything, an expiration date", I must enjoy while everything beautiful is on the table for when everything goes to hell, just keep the good thing but, in my opinion, it is to settle for time, it is do the same as the grindr boys only here it may not be so much sex and yes much more nonsense about the boyfriend haha

Now I think it's better if I let it go ... or I'm going to get depressed

[InbetweenDreams]

@"AlexBravo" We are "sort of" owners of our destiny. There are things that we cannot control, just like we can't control global pandemics, but we can change the channel on the TV and we can choose how we feel about ourselves, our outlook on life, etc.

Ultimately, understand that people have flaws, we're all somewhat damaged in some way. People have character flaws, I have them, you have them, the next guy you date will have them. It's just a matter of figuring out what works for you and what works for them.

I don't think there is any time limit you need to worry about, things will fall into place if you let it. Trying to hurry things is a good way to be disappointed. Focus on living, 26 is the time do the things you want to do while you're able. I mean I went storm chasing last year in the plains. How many chances would I get to do something like that? Life get's complicated with partners, speaking of my partner at the time had no desire to come with me. The grass isn't always greener on the other side. It is very easy to think that your dream partner is going to be all these wonderful things. The truth is, yes you get the good things they are, but also the bad and the ugly.

I've always been told that people will come into your life when you least expect it. So don't fixate on trying to find someone. You will probably find them out of coincidence, or perhaps they will find you. Be patient, live your life without worrying about things that you cannot directly control.

[AlexBravo]

Guys, thanks for everything, this utopia on happiness really has an individual tint as I had thought long before, I think it works for me, sharing without a prison, being free without overshadowing the other and enjoying every moment we have to remind.

so that person then says "who are you ?, I do not recognize your face, tell me again what your name is?"

[marshlander]

Hello Alex. I didn't come out to myself until my late thirties and, although I wasn't looking, my partner and I found each other through a discussion forum and have been in a monogamous relationship since then ... that was seventeen years ago. Until I met PA my record on monogamy was pretty poor, but he makes it easy. The only downside, or maybe it is the upside, is that we live 700 miles from each other in different countries most of the time. In pre-covid times I would spend a week or two with him at his place in France every month. He would come here to England for the summer and spend seven or eight weeks here on my boat.

If you can manage it, there is a lot to be said for a long-distance relationship, although it is important to keep the batteries topped up regularly. I suppose the records show that not everyone wants to live the way PA and I do, but we've made it work and it always feels too soon to return to England after visiting him in France.

I think one of the things that makes me value what we have is that we both acknowledge that neither "owns" the other. Society often imposes these kinds of values on relationships. Although, metaphorically, we have given our hearts to each other, we can do with our bodies what we like as long as we make sure the other is safe. Somehow, no one else has come close to being as desirable as he is. The grass never seems greener elsewhere so I've never had to look. I love and value the times we can be together. I've no idea when the next time can be. I should have been with him today, but ...