Taking a step back...are we done?

[Zurdoknoc]

Here I go:
Met a good guy. We got along very well. Last Sunday we ended up having a discussion for a stupid reason. I asked where do we stand and I wanted to get serious about us meaning just needed some clarity to know some basic key items in our dating process: are we exclusive, are we not dating other people. Or chatting with others and in general how do we feel so far. His response was he “wanted to take it slow and don’t rush up things. Whe w ear wreath we both know”.  I was ok with it. Then I asked for the specifics I hace me tones here and he got all defensive and offended somehow because he thought I was pushing him. Told me this is all about me wanting reassurance and answers. I interrupted him a few times at the time he was saying all that because it wasn’t true and that also fired back at me: “you don’t let me talk, for moments like this I hate dating I prefer to be alone. I don’t need anyone to take care of me I can do that myself”. I stayed quiet. At some point he said if I wanted an answer I was not going to like what he had to say.  And his response was that “this is not going to worn because of moments like this one”. We sort of cooled off and we ended up having sex. No kissing.  We hugged and I left his place.  I asked where do we stand and he just said “ let’s talk tomrorow”. Next day I asked  to talk and he just “Hey. I don’t want to come across as ignoring you. I really think we both need to take a step back and evaluate. If you don’t feel you need to do that, respect my wishes as this is what I need to do”. I said let’s talk. He said “we’ve talked last night, I don’t want to talk tonight. Maybe tomorrow” I just said “call me when you are free. I’ll answer for sure” he just said ok.  My question to you: how long is a take a step back thing? Been 3 days and I haven’t heard from him.   Are we done? Should I text and say: hey I was thinking of you. Have a nice day”.  Fair to say we were just dating and not in a bf situation.   Please advice.

[InbetweenDreams]

Well, maybe he's not a good match for you? You guys want to move at different paces and that's fine. Reading your posts and prior posts about you and your partner it sounds like you are pressuring him to commit to a relationship.

I do think you at the least pissed him off and perhaps it is, but that's not up to me to tell you. You have to be able to look at thing from his perspective. You're asking him for specifics about what you guys are and it comes off as being pushy, you do see that right? Sometimes you just have to take things as they are, ask questions sure but you cannot come off as confrontational or put them on the spot or demand answers. Again, if you aren't willing to stop seeing your hook up guys and commit then why should you expect him to commit to anything?

Text him if you wish, but there's a good chance you may not hear from him. Things may cool off and he might text you at some point, but I don't think you're patient enough to wait. Personally, I think you should break it off and go get what you need so you can go into a serious relationship with a level head.

[marshlander]

Sounds like too much work for not enough in return. Let him go.

[Zurdoknoc]

Well, maybe he's not a good match for you? You guys want to move at different paces and that's fine. Reading your posts and prior posts about you and your partner it sounds like you are pressuring him to commit to a relationship.

I do think you at the least pissed him off and perhaps it is, but that's not up to me to tell you. You have to be able to look at thing from his perspective. You're asking him for specifics about what you guys are and it comes off as being pushy, you do see that right? Sometimes you just have to take things as they are, ask questions sure but you cannot come off as confrontational or put them on the spot or demand answers. Again, if you aren't willing to stop seeing your hook up guys and commit then why should you expect him to commit to anything?

Text him if you wish, but there's a good chance you may not hear from him. Things may cool off and he might text you at some point, but I don't think you're patient enough to wait. Personally, I think you should break it off and go get what you need so you can go into a serious relationship with a level head.

Thanks for your response. I really appreciate it. Each man is different. Each connection is different. There are no rules to follow other than what feels right for both. I left a vm. He texted back saying he is still really bothered by the whole  situation and trying to calm and that’s why he has not reached out. He also said he might reach out on the weekend.  He has been having health issues as well and he wants to be calmed and anxiety free, “silence is what works  for me now“.  That was nice for him to share. I’ve learned more about him because of  this issue. I will just send him flowers to his work today and say nothing.  I’ll stay quiet and wait for him.

[InbetweenDreams]

If he likes flowers that's nice, if not, lunch is always good, especially if you know his favorite place...but also don't take advice from me because I'm a fatass. Annnnnnnnnnnnyway....

Having a clear head is important when assessing things. I have had some experience that sort of relates to being in your situation. I had a huuuuge crush on a guy and basically he wasn't wanting what I was wanting and I made 2 big mistakes. One is that I didn't listen because he told me what he wanted and didn't want. Two I was pushing the issue about being more than what we were. So, because of those two reasons I haven't spoke to him in 3 years and will probably just be a memory and a cautionary tale for others in hopes that you and others don't make the mistake I made. Granted, sometimes pushing the issue can get things out in the open but frankly I think being gentle and understanding, being more empathetic is the better course of action.

Furthermore, there's absolutely nothing wrong with you wanting to have sex buddies but you really can't have that and a boyfriend, unless you want to have an open relationship and that can be tricky waters to navigate even if your partner seems fine with it. I think it is important to be sexually fulfilled and when you're not well look at the situation with you and this guy? What do you think brought you here to GS posting threads about it? It seems to be the problem is the lack of sex. Would you agree? Or perhaps you should revisit that?

[Pyromancer]

To be honest, if I were him I'd be feeling really pressured and smothered.  He wants space, you need to give it to him.  I'm not sure about flowers to his workplace, are you absolutely certain that will be welcome?  He might not feel like trying to explain his personal life to his co-workers  I mean, I work in a pretty macho environment, where if anyone sent me flowers to work I'd never live it down.

You need to wait for him to make the next move.  I know how hard that is, but I think it's the only way you're going to salvage this relationship.

[InbetweenDreams]

That's a good point @"Pyromancer" about the flowers...food maybe but I would probably just lay low and let him reconcile things and get back to you.

[Zurdoknoc]

To be honest, if I were him I'd be feeling really pressured and smothered.  He wants space, you need to give it to him.  I'm not sure about flowers to his workplace, are you absolutely certain that will be welcome?  He might not feel like trying to explain his personal life to his co-workers  I mean, I work in a pretty macho environment, where if anyone sent me flowers to work I'd never live it down.

You need to wait for him to make the next move.  I know how hard that is, but I think it's the only way you're going to salvage this relationship.

I am just sending flowers with no note or word and was just a thought.  He is a business owner and he is the only employee so he won’t have to explain anything to anyone. He is a man with pride. He won’t make any move. He rather die than make himself look weak calling me back or asking to talk. Some men prefer to lose a guy than swallow their pride calling him back or reaching him out. Some man just need see that someone is genuinely interested in them and help them to clear their head.  I agree wit the need of space. It’s needed and I’ll give it to him but also I’ll be proactive and gentle to say hey I am here for you.

[Emiliano]

if hes asking for distance i would not be sending flowers to his job. Even if he owns the business. Listen to what hes asking of you and respect it.

[Pyromancer]

I am just sending flowers with no note or word and was just a thought.  He is a business owner and he is the only employee so he won’t have to explain anything to anyone. He is a man with pride. He won’t make any move. He rather die than make himself look weak calling me back or asking to talk. Some men prefer to lose a guy than swallow their pride calling him back or reaching him out. Some man just need see that someone is genuinely interested in them and help them to clear their head.  I agree wit the need of space. It’s needed and I’ll give it to him but also I’ll be proactive and gentle to say hey I am here for you.

I'm sorry, and I truly mean no disrespect, but you're starting to scare me.  I was the victim of a stalker a few years ago, and you're starting to sound just like him.  He, too, rationalized that I would not make the first move.  His reasons for believing that were very similar to what you're saying.  He, too, believed that no matter what I said, I wanted/needed his attention and support.  It was a stressful, upsetting, frightening experience.  Please, give some serious thought to what you're doing.