Random Jokes

[Paul1]

Tow nuns driving in the desert, Mary and Josephine. Suddenly Lucifer himself appears on the bonnet.

Josephine says: "Quick Mary! Do Something! Swerve from side to side!"

So Mary starts yanking the steering wheel left and right. Still no good, that devil's clinging on

Josephine says: "Quick Mary! Do Something! Do some emergency stops!"

Mary starts breaking harder than she's ever braked in her life. Still no good, the devil even looks amused.

Josephine says: "Quick Mary! Do Something! Do some wheel spins!"

So Mary revs the car full speed and yanks the steering right round, and makes the car do tight circles. Still no good, the devil is laughing by this time. Mary stops, and the nuns eyes widen with absolute terror.

Josephine thinks for a second, and then says: "Praise the lord Mary, show 'em yeh cross"

Mary opens her door, walks up to Lucifer and screams "GET THE FUCK OFF OF MY BONNET"

[Rychard the Lionheart]

Quick Eye Exam...

This will blow your mind...!

Just do it - don't cheat!!!!!!!!!!!!

Try this its actually quite good.

But don't cheat!

Count the number of F's in the following text:

FINISHED FILES ARE THE
RESULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTIFIC
STUDY COMBINED WITH THE
EXPERIENCE OF YEARS

Managed it?

Scroll down only after you have counted them!





OK?


How many?

Three?

Wrong, there are six - no joke!

Read again!

FINISHED FILES ARE THE
RESULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTIFIC
STUDY COMBINED WITH THE
EXPERIENCE OF YEARS

The reasoning is further down...


The brain cannot process the word "OF".

Incredible or what?

Anyone who counts all six F's on the first go is a genius

Three is normal.

[Rychard the Lionheart]

This guy decides to have a party where his guests are asked to come dressed as different emotions e.g. anger, fear etc.
On the night of the party, the first guest arrives and he opens the door to see a guy covered in green paint with the letters N and V painted on his chest.
He says to this guy, "Wow, great outfit" what emotion have you come as?"
And the guy says, "I'm green with envy".
The host replies, "Brilliant come on in and have a drink."
A few minutes later the next guest arrives and the host opens the door to see a woman covered in a pink body stocking with a feather boa wrapped round her most intimate parts.
He says to this woman "Wow, great outfit, what emotion have you come as?"
And she replies, "I'm tickled pink".
The host says, "I love it, come on in and join the party."
A couple of minutes later the doorbell goes for the third time, and the host opens the door to see two Irish blokes, Paddy and Mick, stark naked, one with his willy stuck in a bowl of custard, and the other with his willy stuck in a pear. The host is really shocked and says, "What the hell are you doing? You could get arrested for standing like that out there in the street. What emotion is this supposed to be?"

Paddy replies, "Well, I'm f*cking discustard, and my friend here has just come in dispair."!!!!!

[Cryptique]

this is a joke/quote taken from Mark Z. Danielewski's House of Leaves

A long time ago, there was this captain and he was out sailing the high seas when one of his crew spotted a pirate ship on the horizon. Right before the battle began, the captain cried out, “Bring me my red shirt!” It was a long fight but in the end the Captain and his crew were victorious. The next day three pirate ships appeared. Once again the captain cried out, “Bring me my red shirt!” and once again the captain and his men defeated the pirates. That evening everyone was sitting around, resting, and taking care of their wounds, when an ensign asked the captain why he always put on his red shirt before battle. The captain calmly replied, “I wear the red shirt so that if I’m wounded, no one will see the blood. That way everyone will continue to fight on unafraid.” All the men were moved by this great display of courage.

Well the next day, ten pirate ships were spotted. The men turned to their captain and waited for him to give his usual command. Calm as ever, the Captain cried out, “Bring me my brown pants."

:biggrin::biggrin::biggrin:

[Cryptique]

Do we allow jokes that are, ah...dark, and more than likely to cause more than moderate offence?

Most people I know have a pretty dark sense of humour anyway :tongue:

[ceez]

my depressions coming on again so hopefully a joke will help me feel a little better.

three guys were traveling on a business trip when their car broke down in the middle of no where. thankfully they were down the street from a kind man who let them stay in his house while their car was repaired, but the only problem was he only had one extra bedroom with one large bed in it. the guys were all close enough to sleep in the same bed head to toe side by side.

the next morning they woke up and the guy on one end said, "I had this crazy dream some blond gave me a hand job". the guy on the other end said, "me too, only mine was a brunet". the guy sleeping in the middle said, " wow, I only dreamed I was skiing".

[ceez]

I remembered one other one.

a man saw an elderly man setting on a bench in a park crying. he asked the man, "why are you

crying?", the old man said, "I have a big house in country and one at the beach,I have my dream

car,I am set financially, I have a wife that cooks and cleans for me that still looks young sexy

and we still have sex when I have my pills" the man stopped him and said, " then whats wrong?"

the old man said " I forgot where I live".

[Genersis]

Being a retired cop and American, I took strong offence at this so-called attempt at humor. Why don't you just make a sick joke about my deceased wife.

Amazing, I just noticed the people that didn't mind the joke were all from the UK. So, if someone kills your queen I should laugh about it? Jerks.

BiJane didn't post a joke of...well....good taste.
She did give forewarning, even though that doesn't excuse it 100%

But it's still just a joke. People make jokes about disasters where people died sometimes it's just this is a little more recent and extreme disaster than most.

I understand you have some personal ties to the disaster but don't overgeneralise people from the UK as being jerks just because of a joke you took offence to, as understandable as your offence maybe.