What do you call a Nun with a washing machine on her head?
Sistamatic!
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Dylan is in a queue at the Supermarket when he notices that the rather dishy blonde behind him has just raised her hand and is giving him a big 'hello'.
He is rather taken aback that such a looker would be waving to him, and although her face is vaguely familiar, Dylan can't place where he might know her from, so he says, "Sorry, do you know me?"
She replies, "I may be mistaken, but I thought you might be the father of one of my children"
Dylan's mind shoots back to the one and only time he has been unfaithful, 'Blimey!' he says, 'Did we meet on Frank’s stag do in Newport? Dylan continued, 'When I got out of the police station and got back to the hotel room you had gone.'
No, 'she replies, "I'm your son's English Teacher'
I can't swear that I didn't find this joke on this thread but it's so long now that I'm not going to reaqd thru it all again to find out!
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A little boy goes to his dad and asks, 'What is Politics?'
Dad says, 'Well son, let me try to explain it this way:
I am the head of the family, so call me The Prime Minister
Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government.
We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People.
The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class.
And your baby brother, we will call him the Future.
Now think about that and see if it makes sense.'
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.
Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him . He finds that the baby has severely soiled his nappy.
So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother asleep.
Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed .
The next morning, the little boy says to his father, 'Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now. '
The father says, 'Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.'
The little boy replies, 'The Prime Minister is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit'
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There's an Englishman, Irishman & Scotsman all talking about their teenage daughters.
The Englishman says " I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day and I found a packet of cigarettes. I was really shocked as I didn't even know she smokes".
The Scotsman says " That's nothing. I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day when I came across a half full bottle of Vodka. I was really shocked as I didn't even know she drank."
With that the Irishman says " Neither of you have anything to worry about. I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day when I found packet of condoms. I was really shocked. I didn't even know she had a willy."
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A couple of shorts.
Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, "I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent."
"Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of chardonnay."
Miss Smith a teacher, was standing in front of her class. It was the beginning of the new school year. Miss Smith said "Okay class, we're going to go around the room and get everybody to say a sentence. We'll start with Sarah"
Sarah said, "Cows have spots"
Terry said, ''Baseball is a sport"
Carla said, "Computers are electronic"
Bobby said, "Urinate"
Miss Smith said, "Bobby, urinate is a word, not a sentence"
Bobby said, "Not urinate", it's you're an eight......and if you had bigger tits you'd be a ten"
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An Irishman applies for a job, but the foreman won't employ him until he passes a little maths test.
"Here's your first question, the foreman said. "Without using numbers, represent the number 9."
"Without numbers?" the Irishman says, "Dat is easy." and proceeds to draw three trees.
"What's this?" the boss asks.
"Haven't you got a brain? Tree and tree and tree makes nine," says the Irishman.
"Fair enough," says the boss. "Here's your second question. Apply the same rules using the number 99, this time."
The Irishman stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. "Dere you go."
The boss scratches his head and asks, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"
"Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Dat equals 99."
The boss starts getting worried that he's actually going to have to give the Irishman the job, so he says,"All right, final question: same rules again, but represent the number 100."
The Irishman stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Dere you go. One hundred."
The boss looks at the illustration and bursts out: "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!"
Whereby the Irishman leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree, saying: "A little dog came along and crapped by each tree. So now you've got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, dat makes one hundred. ... So, when do I be starting the job?!"
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A captain in the foreign legion gets transferred to a desert outpost.
On arrival he spots a mangy old camel. He said to the sergeant "What is the
camel for"
The sergeant said "Well sir, We're a good distance from anywhere, and the
men do have sexual urges. When they do, we have the camel."
The captain said "Well if it's good for the men's morale, it's good enough
for me."
After a couple of weeks the captain becomes a little frustrated himself, and
tells the sergeant to bring the camel.
The camel is brought to his quarters, he gets a foot stool and begins to
have vigorous sex with the camel.
When he had finished he said to the sergeant "Is that how the enlisted men
do it"
The sergeant said "Well no sir. They usually ride it to the Brothel in
town."
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A couple had two little mischievous boys, ages 8 and 10.They were always
getting into trouble, and their parents knew that if any mischief occurred
in their town, their sons would get the blame. The boys' mother heard that a
clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked
if he would speak with her boys. The clergyman agreed and asked to see them
individually. So, the mother sent her 8-year-old first, in the morning, with
the older boy to see the clergyman in the afternoon.
The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and
asked him sternly, "Where is God?"
They boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response,sitting there with
his mouth hanging open.
The clergyman repeated the question. "Where is God?"
Again, the boy made no attempt to answer.
So, the clergyman raised his voice some more and shook his finger in the
boy's face and bellowed, "Where is God!?"
The boy screamed and bolted from the room.
He ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him.
When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?"
The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied: "We are in real BIG
trouble this time! God is missing,and they think we did it!"
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Just got a call from my mate as he has fostered a kid! I told him it was a waste of a good can of beer!
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Football Results - USA 1 - GHANA 2
In other news the USA has declared war on Ghana after discovering Intel saying they have WMD's!!
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