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A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.
On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?
"Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be. Husband #2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back
to me. Husband #3 was from Field Services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up. Husband #4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver. Husband #5 was an Engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method. Husband #6 was from Finance and Administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not. Husband #7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it. Husband #8 was a psychiatrist; all he ever did was talk about it. Husband #9 was a gynaecologist; all he did was look at it. Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was............... God, I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm so excited!"
"Good," said the husband, "but, why?"
"You work for a Bank. This time I KNOW I'm gonna get screwed!"
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An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall. A teenager walked up to the bench and sat down
He had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, blue, and yellow.
The old man just stared.
Every time the teenager looked, the old man was staring. The teenager finally said sarcastically, "What's the matter old timer, never done anything wild in your life?"
Without batting an eye, the old man replied.... "Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock.........I was wondering if you were my son.
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Have You Ever Wondered...
Why does the sun lighten our hair,
but darken our skin?
Why can't women put on mascara
with their mouths closed?
Why don't you ever see the headline
"Psychic Wins Lottery"?
Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor,
and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Why is the man who invests all your money
called a broker?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic
called rush hour?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
When dog food is new and improved tasting,
who tests it?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
You know that indestructible black box
that is used on airplanes?????
Why don't they make the whole plane
out of that stuff?!
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Why are they called apartments
when they are all stuck together?
If con is the opposite of pro,
is Congress the opposite of progress?
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Rychard the Lionheart Wrote:Have You Ever Wondered...
You know that indestructible black box
that is used on airplanes?????
Why don't they make the whole plane
out of that stuff?!
I'm going to be awfully literal here: because if they did the aircraft would be too heavy and wouldn't get off the ground. (or, at least, not without also increasing the amount if thrust produced by the engines considerably thus requiring a lot more fuel)
Sent from my HTC Desire using Tapatalk
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Parents.
One Sunday morning George burst into the living room and said, "Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the most beautiful girl in town. She lives a block away and her name is Susan.
After dinner, George's dad took him aside, "Son, I have to talk with you. Look at your mother, George. She and I have been married 30 years, she's a wonderful wife and mother, but, she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot. Susan is actually your half sister, and I'm afraid you can't marry her."
George was broken-hearted. After eight months he eventually started dating girls again. A year later he came home and very proudly announced, "Dianne said yes! We're getting married in June."
Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news. "Dianne is your half sister too, George. I'm awfully sorry about this."
George was livid! He finally decided to go to his mother with the news his father had shared.
"Dad has done so much harm. I guess I'm never going to get married," he complained. "Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the girl is my half sister."
"Heheh," his mother chuckled, shaking her head, "Don't pay any attention to what he says. He's not really your father."
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On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his Volvo into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside.
The attendant at the pump greets him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golfer is.
- "Top of the mornin' to yer, sir" says the attendant.
Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so, two tees (="peggs") fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.
-"What are dey den, son?" asks the attendant.
- "They're called tees" replies Tiger.
- "Well, what on de good earth are dey for?" inquires the Irishman.
- "They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving", says Tiger.
- "Feckin Jaysus", says the Irishman, "Dem boys at Volvo tink of everything!"
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A farmer, named Clyde, had a motor accident. In court, the trucking company's fancy hot shot lawyer was questioning Clyde.
'Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'?' asked the lawyer.
Clyde responded, 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favourite cow, Bessie, into the...'
'I didn't ask for any details', the lawyer interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?'
Clyde said, 'Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road....'
The lawyer interrupted again and said, 'Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.'
By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde's answer and said to the lawyer, 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie'.
Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded. 'Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favourite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting, real bad and didn't want to move.
However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her fatal condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.
Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, 'How are you feeling?'
'Now tell me, what the **** would you say?'
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A pregnant Irish woman from Dublin gets in a car accident and falls into a deep coma. Asleep for nearly 6 months, when she wakes up she sees that she is no longer pregnant and frantically asks the doctor about her baby.
The doctor replies, "Ma'am you had twins! a boy and a girl. Your brother from Cork came in and named them."
The woman thinks to herself, "Oh No, not my brother... he's an idiot!"
She asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?"
"Denise."
"Wow, that's not a bad name, I like it! What's the boy's name?"
"Denephew."
______________
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A couple of gags for you.
The day care teacher holds up a picture and asks, "What's this?"
"A horsey," one child answers
"And this?" the teacher asks
"A piggy." replies another youngster.
"And now this one?" asks the teacher, holding up a picture of a male deer
with a beautiful rack of antlers. There was no answer, only total silence
"Come now, children," she coaxes, "I'll give you a little hint: What does
your Mummy call your Daddy when he hugs and kisses her a lot?"
"I know! I know!!" exclaims one little girl. "It's a horny bastard!"
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Little April was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept
through the class.
One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April,
who created the universe?"
When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her,
took a pin and jabbed her in the rear.
"GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April
fell back asleep.
A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour,"
But, April didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the
rescue and stuck her again. "JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher
said, "Very good,"
April fell back asleep.
Then the teacher asked April a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam
after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with
the pin.
This time April jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT F*****G THING IN
ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ASS!
The Teacher fainted.
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