HOW TO CALL THE POLICE WHEN YOU'RE OLD
AND DON'T MOVE FAST ANYMORE.
Roger Phillips, an elderly man, from Meridian, Mississippi, was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. Roger opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.
He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?"
He said "No, but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me."
Then the police dispatcher said "All patrols are busy. You should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available."
Roger said, "Okay."
He hung up the phone and counted to 30.
Then he phoned the police again..
"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot them." and he hung up.
Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic, and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence, and caught the burglars red-handed..
One of the Policemen said to Roger, "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"
Roger answered, "I thought you said there was nobody available."
I LOVE IT!
Don't mess with older people!
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•
A Mother had 3 virgin daughters and they were all getting married within a
short time period. Because Mom was a bit worried about how their sex life
would get started, she made them all promise to send a postcard from the
honeymoon with a few words on how marital sex felt.
The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding. The card
said nothing but "Nescafe." Mom was puzzled at first, but then went to the
kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar. It said: "Good till the last drop."
Mom blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.
The second girl sent the card from Vermont a week after the wedding, and the
card read: "Benson & Hedges". Mom now knew to go straight to her husband's
cigarettes, and she read from the Benson & Hedges pack: "Extra Long. King
Size.
She was again slightly embarrassed but still happy for her daughter.
The third girl left for her honeymoon in the Caribbean. Mom waited for a
week, nothing. Another week went by and still nothing.Then after a whole
month, a card finally arrived. Written on it with shaky handwriting were the
words "British Airways." Mom took out her latest Harper's Bazaar magazine,
flipped through the pages fearing the worst, and finally found the ad for
"BA". The ad said: "Three times a day, seven days a week, both ways."
Mom fainted...
•
Late last Saturday night , a young chap was walking home from a club.
It was a cold, wet, windy evening, and he was tired and freezing.
Most of the street lights in the area were broken, and the silence was only broken by the occasional sound of a stray cat sifting through a dustbin.
Then suddenly he heard a strange noise.......
BUMP........
BUMP........
BUMP........
Startled by this, he turned, and to his amazement, through the driving rain, he saw the faint outline of a large box turning into his road.
BUMP........
BUMP........
BUMP........
He froze to the spot, he couldn't believe his eyes, as the box
approached from the shadows, he was able to make out its shape more clearly....It was a coffin. Not wanting anything to do with this, he put his head down and started walking briskly home.
BUMP........
BUMP........
BUMP........
He could feel the coffin gaining on him, he started walking
Faster.........
BUMP........BUMP.......
BUMP........BUMP.......
BUMP........BUMP........
The coffin was closing with his every step, he started to jog, but he
heard the coffin speed up after him......
BUMP........BUMP...BUMP...
BUMP........BUMP...BUMP...
BUMP........BUMP...BUMP...
He started to sprint, but so did the coffin .......
BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP.....
BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP.....
BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP.....
Eventually he made it to his front door, but he knew the coffin was
only seconds behind. Fumbling around in his pocket, he pulled out his keys, His hand trembling, he managed to open the lock, he dived inside slamming the front door behind him. He shot into his front room, and slumped into his comfy chair. Suddenly there was a loud crash, as the coffin smashed its way through the front door. The force of the impact broke the lock off the coffin allowing the lid to swing freely on its rusty hinges as it continued its chase.....
BUMP...SCREACH...BUMP...SCREACH...
BUMP...SCREACH...BUMP...SCREACH...
BUMP...SCREACH...BUMP...SCREACH...
BUMP...SCREACH...BUMP...SCREACH...
In horror the young lad fled again, as fast as his shaking legs could
take him he bolted upstairs to the bathroom and locked the door........
BUMP...SCREACH...HOP...BUMP...SCREACH...HOP...
BUMP...SCREACH...HOP...BUMP...SCREACH...HOP...
BUMP...SCREACH...HOP...BUMP...SCREACH...HOP...
The coffin again gave chase up the stairs, across the landing and
launched itself at the bathroom door. With an almighty smash, the bathroom door flew off its hinges..... The coffin stood in the doorway, then started to approach the young terrified lad.
BUMP...SCREACH...BUMP...SCREACH...
BUMP...SCREACH...BUMP...SCREACH...
BUMP...SCREACH...BUMP...SCREACH...
In a last ditch attempt to save his skin, he reached for his bathroom cabinet...... He grabbed a bar of Imperial Leather soap and threw it at the coffin.......still it came ........
BUMP...SCREACH...BUMP...SCREACH...
He grabbed his can of Lynx deodorant and threw it ........still it came...... BUMP...SCREACH...BUMP...SCREACH...
He grabbed his first aid kit and threw it ......still it came......
BUMP...SCREACH...BUMP...SCREACH...
He grabbed some Benadryl cough mixture and threw it........
The coffin stopped.
•
A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.
'Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?'
'Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature.'
The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, 'It looks like you have seen a lot of action.'
'Yes, ma'am, a lot of action.'
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, 'You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself.'
The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally the young lady said, 'You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?'
'1955, ma'am.'
'Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to 'relax' him several times. Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, 'Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955.'
The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his serious voice, 'I hope not; it's only 2130 now.'
•
Two men were sitting next to each other at Murphy's Pub.
After awhile, one guy looks at the other and says, 'I can't
help but think, from listening to you, that you're from
Ireland .'
The other guy responds proudly, 'Yes, that I am!'
The first guy says, 'So am I! And where about
from Ireland might you be?'
The other guy answers, 'I'm from Dublin , I am.'
The first guy responds, 'So am I!'
'Mother Mary and begora. And what street did you
live on in Dublin ?'
The other guy says, 'A lovely little area it was I lived
on McCleary Street in the old central part of town.'
The first guy says, 'Faith and it's a small world. So did
I! So did I! And to what school would you have been going?'
The other guy answers, 'Well now, I went to St. Mary's,
of course.'
The first guy gets really excited and says, 'And so did I.
Tell me, what year did you graduate?'
The other guy answers, 'Well, now, let's see. I
graduated in 1964.'
The first guy exclaims, 'The Good Lord must be
smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our
good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight.
Can you believe it, I graduated from St. Mary's
in 1964 my own self!'
About this time, Vicky walks into the bar, sits
down and orders a beer.
Brian, the bartender, walks over to Vicky, shaking
his head and mutters, 'It's going to be a long night
tonight.'
Vicky asks, 'Why do you say that, Brian?'
'The Murphy twins are drunk again.'
•
WHEN I SAY I'M BROKE I'M *^$#@ BROKE!!
Yesterday I answered a knock on the door, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
"Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners."
"Go away!" I said. "I haven't got any money! I'm broke!" and proceeded to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed wide open. "Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration." And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto my hallway carpet.
"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Sir, I will personally eat the remainder."
I stepped back and said, "Well I hope you've got a F*cking good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning. What part of 'broke' do you not understand?"
•
Vaseline Survey:
A man doing market research knocked on a door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet. He says, 'I'm doing some research for Vaseline.
Have you ever used the product?'
She says, 'Yes. My husband and I use it all the time.'
'And if you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?'
'We use it for sex.'
The researcher was a little taken back. 'Usually people lie to me and say that they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you've been frank so far, can you tell me exactly how you use it for sex?'
The woman says, 'I don't mind telling you at all...My husband and I put it on the door knob and it keeps the kids out.'
And you thought it was gonna be a dirty joke.
•
Important Zen Teachings.
1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow.
In fact, just - Piss off and leave me alone.
2. Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any.
3. No one is listening until you Fart.
4. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.
5. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
6. If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.
7. Before you criticise someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticise them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
8. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
9. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
10. If you lend someone £20 and never see that person again, it was probably well worth it.
11. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
12. Some days you are the bug; some days you are the wind screen.
13. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.
14. Good judgement comes from bad experience, and most of that comes from bad judgement.
15. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
16. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
17. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.
18. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
19. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our arse ... then things just get worse.
20. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
•
A married couple was sitting in a fine restaurant when the wife looks over at a nearby table and sees a dishevelled man in a drunken stupor surrounded by empty bottles.
The husband asks "I notice you've been watching that man for some time now. Do you know him?"
"Yes" she replies, "He's my ex-husband, and he has been drinking copiously like that since I left him seven years ago."
"That's remarkable" the husband replies, "I wouldn't think anybody could celebrate that long."
•
Paddy is cleaning his rifle and accidentally shoots his wife. He dials 999.
Paddy says "It's my wife, I've accidentally shot her. I've killed her"
Operator "Please calm down sir. Can you first make sure she really is dead?"
CLICK,BANG
Paddy "OK, done that, what now ?
•
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