Random Jokes

[The Virgin]

a mother saw her 5 year old child walking out of the house carrying a bagpack:

mother: honey, where are you going?

child: i'm leaving cause you don't love me anymore.

mother: honey, where did you get that? how can you say that?

child: cause i'm always wrong. i've never been right.. you don't love me anymore because of that!

mother: honey, you're wrong...

child: see? (cries and left the house)

[Rychard the Lionheart]

An Irish bloke goes to the doctor "Dactor, it's me ahrse. I'd loik ya ta
teyhk a look, if ya woot".
So the doctor gets him to drop his pants and takes a look.
"Incredible", he says, "there's a £20 note lodged up here".
Tentatively he eases the twenty out of the man's bottom, and then a £10
note appears.
"This is amazing", exclaims the Doctor. "What do you want me to do"?
"Well fur gadness sake teyhk it out man!!" shrieks the patient.
The doctor pulls out the tenner and another twenty appears, and another and
another etc....
Finally the last note comes out and no more appear.
"Ah Dactor, tank ya koindly, dat's moch batter, how moch is dare den"?
The Doctor counts the pile of cash and tells him "£1,990 exactly".
"Ah, dat'd be roit. I knew I wasn't feeling two grand".

[Rychard the Lionheart]

Are you the weakest link? I think so! Please do not cheat.


I am going to ask you three questions.
And you have to answer them instantly.
You can't take your time you have to answer immediately.
O.K.?

Let's find just how clever you really are ........
Ready?
GO !!!!!

First Question:
You are participating in a race. You overtake the second.
What position do you finish?

NOW! See the answer below..


Answer:

If you answer that you arrived first, then you are absolutely wrong!!!
Cause you overtake the second and you take his place so you arrived
second!!! !!

To answer the second question don't take as much time as you took for the first question.

Second Question: If you overtake the last then you arrive...?



Answer: If you answer that you arrived second last then you are wrong
again.
Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST !!!!
The question is wrong! You're not very good at this are you???

Third Question
Subject: *Very very Tricky maths!
Note: This riddle must be done IN YOUR HEAD ONLY and NOT using paper and a pen.
Try it.

Take 1000 and add 40 to it.
Now add another 1000.
Now add 30.
Another 1000.
Now add 20.
Now add another 1000.
Now add 10.

What is the total? (scroll down for answer)
Did you get 5000?


The correct answer is actually 4100.
Don' t believe it? Check with your calculator!
The decimal sequence confuses our brain, that always jumps to the highest decimals (100s instead of 10s).

That should have you in a bad mood for the rest of the day!!!

You are the weakest link. Goodbye.

[Rychard the Lionheart]

Thought for the Day.

There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research.
This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

[Rychard the Lionheart]

Kids of today are wrapped in cotton wool.........

If you lived as a child in the 50's, 60's or 70's, looking back, it's hard
to believe we have lived as long as we have...

As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags. Our cots
were covered with bright coloured lead-based paint. We had no childproof
lids on medicine bottles, doors or cupboards, when we rode our bikes we had
no helmets.

We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle. We would spend
hours building go-carts out of scraps and then ride them down the hill, only
to find we forgot the brakes. After running into bushes a few times we
learned to solve the problem.

We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were
back when the streetlights came on. No one was able to reach us all day. No
mobile phones.

We got cut and broke bones and teeth, and there were no law suits from
these accidents. They were accidents. No one was to blame, but us.

Remember accidents?

We had fights and punched each other black and blue and learned to get over
it. We ate cakes, bread and butter, and drank cordial, but we were never
overweight...we were always outside playing. We shared one drink with four
friends, from one bottle and no one died from this.

We did not have playstations, Nintendo 64, X-Boxes, video games, 65
channels on pay TV, video tape movies, surround sound, personal mobile
phones, personal computers, internet chat rooms......we had friends.

We went outside and found them, we rode bikes or walked to a friends home
and knocked on the door, or rung the bell, or just walked in and talked to
them. Imagine such a thing. Without asking a parent! By ourselves!

Out there in the cold cruel world, without a guardian - how did we do it?

We made up games with sticks and tennis balls, and ate worms, and although
we were told it would happen, we did not put out many eyes, nor did the
worms live inside forever. Footy and netball had tryouts and not everyone
made the team. Those who didn't, had to learn to deal with
disappointment.....

Some pupils weren't as smart as others so they failed an exam and were held
back to repeat the same year. Tests were not adjusted for any reason.

Our actions were our own. Consequences were expected. No one to hide
behind. The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke a law was unheard
of. They actually sided with the law - imagine that!

This generation has produced some of the best risk takers and problem
solvers and inventors, ever. The past 50 years has been an explosion of new
ideas and innovation. We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility,
and we learned how to deal with it all.

And you're one of them, Congratulations!!!

Please pass this on to others who have had the luck to grow up as kids,
before lawyers and government regulated our lives....for our own good!

[The Virgin]

Child: Mom, why do you have some grey hairs?

Mother: You see dear, everytime a child does bad things, the mother will get some grey hair. so if you don't want mommy to have grey hairs no more, be a good girl ok?

Child: How about grandma's hair? it's all grey now...

[Rychard the Lionheart]

Why Sentence Structure Is So Important...


The boss had to fire somebody, and he narrowed it down to one of two
people: Mary or Jack. It was an impossible decision because they
were both decent workers. Rather than flip a coin, he decided he
would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning.
Mary came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after partying
all night. She went to the cooler to take an aspirin. The boss
approached her and said, "Mary, I've never done this before, but I
either have to lay you or Jack off."

"Could you jack off?" she said. "I feel like shit this morning."

[Rychard the Lionheart]

WHAT I OWE MY MOTHER:


1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
'If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.'

2. My mother taught me RELIGION .
'You better pray that this will come out of the carpet.'

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL
'If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!'

4. My mother taught me LOGIC .
' Because I said so, that's why.'

5.My mother taught me MORE LOGIC .
'If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me.'

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
'Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident.'

7. My mother taught me IRONY.
'Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry
about.'

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
'Shut your mouth and eat your supper.'

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM .
'Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!'

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA
'You'll sit there until all that SOUP is gone.'

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER ..
'This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.'

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY
'If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!'

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE .
'I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.'

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOUR MODIFICATION.
'Stop acting like your father!'

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
'There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do..'

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
'Just wait until we get home.'

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING .
'You are going to get it when you get home!'

18.
My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
'If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going
to get stuck that way.'

19. My mother taught me ESP .
'Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?'

20. My mother taught me HUMOUR .
'When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me..'

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN
ADULT .
'If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow
up.'

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
'You're just like your father.'

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
'Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a tent?'

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
'When you get to be my age, you'll understand.'

25. And my favourite:
My mother taught me about JUSTICE
'One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you '

[DannyE]

Important Stuff you might not know.

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced
enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it.)
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If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is
produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that's more like it!)
****************************************************************
The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out of the
body to squirt blood 30 feet.
(O.M.G.!)
****************************************************************
A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)
****************************************************************
A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to
death.
(Creepy.)
(I'm still not over the pig.)
****************************************************************
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Do not try this at home...maybe at work.)
****************************************************************
The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its
body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
("Honey, I'm home. What the....?!")
****************************************************************
The flea can jump 350 times its body length.
It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.
(30 minutes...can you imagine??)
********************* *******************************************
The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)
****************************************************************
Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity.)
****************************************************************
Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know.)
***************************************************************
The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
(Hmmmmmm........)
****************************************************************
Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than
left-handed people do.
(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)
****************************************************************
Elephants are the only animal that cannot jump.
(OK, so that would be a good thing....)
****************************************************************
A cat's urine glows under a black light.
(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)
****************************************************************
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)
****************************************************************
Starfish have no brains.
(I know some people like that too.)
****************************************************************
Polar bears are left-handed.
(Who knew? Who cares!)
********************************* ******************************
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(What about that pig??)
***************************************************************

You made my day_^

[DannyE]

QUESTION: WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?



SAEED AL SAHAF - The former Iraqi Head of Information.The chicken did not cross the road. This is a complete fabrication.In fact, we do not even have a chicken.



HANS BLIX We have reason to believe there may be potential for this chicken's capability, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.



COLIN POWELL Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.



GEORGE W BUSH We don't care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either for us or against us. There is no middle ground.



TONY BLAIR I agree with George.



JOHN HOWARD I agree with George and Tony.



KIM BEAZLEY There is no challenge to the chicken at this stage, but if I were crossing the road ....



SIMON CREAN @#@#!!@ Chicken. No one crosses the @#@#!!@ road without my @#@#!!@ say so. It's time for the chicken to put up or shut up.



PETER HOLLINGWORTH (Governor-General) I am not aware of any impropriety in the chicken crossing the road. In fact I am led to believe that it was the other way around and the chicken asked for it.



DR SEUSS Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.



MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.



GRANDPA In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.



OPRAH Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be Listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart-warming story of how it felt accomplishing its lifelong dream of crossing the road.



JOHN LENNON Imagine all the chickens, crossing all the roads. You may say I'm a dreamer but its not the only hen.



MICHAEL JACKSON There's nothing more wonderful than sharing your life with a chicken.



ARISTOTLE It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.



KARL MARX It was an historic inevitability.



BILL GATES eChicken2003 version 1.0 will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your cheque book and internet explorer is an integral part of eChicken.





ALBERT EINSTEIN Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?



THE BIBLE And God came down from heaven, and he said unto the chicken THOU SHALT CROSS THE ROAD. And the chicken didst cross the road, and there was much rejoicing.





COLONEL SANDERS Did I miss one?



HOMER SIMPSON Mmmmmmmmm c h i c k e n

xD

Best EVER.!!