So confused. Questioning?

[Anonymous]

Hi all, I’m new here, and I’m struggling with my sexuality, I think?

Please be warned this will be long - sorry! 
Some background info:
I’m in my late 20s and am a gay man. Always have been; it’s never come into question, never been challenged, and I’ve been incredibly fortunate my whole life, to be accepted by my family and friends. It was just always “A Thing”.
I suppose it would’ve been different if I had been more effeminate, though? I know effeminate gay men are always targeted, but I’m sort of the middle of the scale; neither too masculine or feminine. 
I’m happily married to my childhood sweetheart - we have been together in and off since we were both 14 (but became permanently “on” when we were 19, and have been happily together ever since) and are still to this day, very much in love and have a very happy and healthy relationship. During our “off” times of course we “sowed our wild oats” with other guys, but always found our way back to each other, so we have definitely had other gay experiences. 
He briefly had a girlfriend aged 13, before he came out of the closet, but I have always known I am gay. “Gold Star Gay” as it’s called…
Until now.
This is where my issue lies…

We have a female best friend, just a few years older than us. 
She is also happily married to her own husband. Again, a very happy and healthy, strong relationship. I have never seen her so happy and treated so well. She’s flourished since being with him, and he has also become our best friend too. We socialise as a group a lot and are very close. 
Of course, I’ve always known that he is very good looking and a lovely bloke - honestly my husband and I fancy him a bit lol! ?
But very recently, I have found myself having…unwanted physical feelings…for our female friend!
It started quite recently, and I know how awful this sounds, and how gross I sound even saying it, but her breast size has quite significantly increased lately as she is currently pregnant with their third child. 
I have found myself attracted to them in particular, but also to her - physically!
Honestly, I feel dirty and disgusting, guilty and ashamed. 
I’m so confused, and I’m just questioning everything.
There’s absolutely no doubt about the fact that I still love my husband and of course I am still very much attracted to men!
But I have had very inappropriate thoughts and dreams about our female friend lately, and I feel so disgusted in myself.
What really made this worse was the other evening, I popped over to return something I had borrowed from them, and her husband was in the process of giving her a back massage, due to the lower back aching she’s been having, and she obviously felt comfortable enough around me (being a gay man and how close we are!) to be entirely shirtless! I didn’t know where to look! 
I felt so embarrassed and yet so strongly aroused! I quickly made an excuse and left! That night, it really sunk in that I was attracted to her physically, and worse still, I became aroused in my sleep due to a dream I had that included the four of us including her (I’m sure you can guess!). I woke up and had to strip the bedsheets and throw them in the wash. I was mortified and so ashamed. My husband just assumed it was a normal “arousal dream” like we’ve all had before! I couldn’t tell him the truth.

They’ve asked us to meet up since and I have pretended to be ill, because I just can’t face them. I’m so embarrassed and ashamed and disgusted in myself! I’m feeling incredibly depressed about it, and like I have been/am being unfaithful to my husband. 
He knows something is wrong, but I cannot tell him. I just can’t. 
I’ve just said that my depression is flaring up again, and he believes me… it’s not exactly a lie… it IS flaring up again, but I haven’t told him why and cannot.
I know too many people who have ended up breaking up when one of them has come out as bi or pan or something. I’ve seen it happen too many times, and I just refuse to even risk losing the love of my life for the same reason. I’ve seen so many previously happy, healthy and strong relationships destroyed by it. Including this same female friend’s ex husband. I remember it absolutely devastated her when he came out as bisexual. He is now with another man too. It took her a long time to move on to her currant husband, to trust again and to allow herself to fall in love and be loved again. It was a very hard time for her because of course she and her ex still loved each other but she had to let him go. 
I don’t want that for my marriage. I don’t WANT to be attracted to women or anyone else. I love my man. I’m incredibly attracted to him and we have a fantastic sex life too! So I don’t understand why this is happening at all, let alone now? 

Sorry this has been so long and if I haven’t made sense anywhere. My head is a real mess, and I feel so lost and scrambled, like I’m losing my identity. I don’t know who or what I am anymore, much less know what to do.
Please don’t tell me to tell my husband or my friends. I literally cannot do that. I will lose one, if not all, of them.
I just want these thoughts and feelings to stop. I want to stop feeling so wrong and so dirty and ashamed, guilty and confused. 

Thanks for reading. 
- ?‍⬛

[Stefan Romir]

It's better to tell your story in smaller parts, spaced out, over more than one post, but...confronted by such a massive post, right away, causes concerns just in trying to keep up with the story. Let us get to know you, over many posts, then try telling the story, or linking us to this post, only then.

Nobody will be ignoring you...that much I can tell you. From what I've read, you're going through a classic personality crisis, which is psychological, rather than psychiatric. What's wrong can probably be dealt with, therapeutically, but you need to strengthen yourself in every conceivable way, before you start the therapy, whatever that turns out to be.

Incidentally, about the young Lady?...physical feelings are rarely unwanted! Het' guys dip their toes into gayness, now and then - and, gay guys dip their toes into straightness, now and then.

Personally, I believe that all people - may they like it or not - are born gay and straight...ALL of them! I believe they are capable of either, throughout their lives, without hesitation, given the right mental state, and their environment. Which one they currently are, at any given moment, or which one they find themselves with physical feelings of the need to be...is totally unpredictable, and might well not fit in with their ideas about what they are, if based on what they've predominantly been, formerly.

Ask yourself this: "If there was never such a thing as sex, would I cheat on my husband and go and lay that girl?" Your answer would be a resounding, "No!"...you would not. (While pregnant, women give off pheromones that endear them to all about them, and those pheromones might have had some effect on your, also. That could be another factor.)

Take your time with this...tease it out until its shape is more recognisable, to you. Lust and guilt are pulling you in two directions. Talk it over with all of us, regularly, and ignore clocks and calendars...take YOUR time over figuring this one out.

I've been precisely where you are. It made me panicky, bewildered, guilt-stricken and made me burst into tears, spontaneously. The chaos lasted weeks, but it stopped lasting after I gave it time to play out. Once I recognised the truth of what was happening inside me (no part of this is outside you), I settled down and just dealt with it all, very ably. This is a feeling that goes away, even if you don't try to make it do that.

[Anonymous]

Sorry, what?? What “concerns” could I possibly be raising? What??
The reason I came here with this post (anonymously) was because I am actually desperate for help. I don’t want people to get to know me…hence posting anonymously. 
I am ashamed as it is and didn’t want to be identified. I came here in sheer desperation for help and advice, and all at once was the only way I felt I could do this?
Ive been feeling so low and so alone, have quite literally nobody to talk to and was in a very dark place. I didn’t feel I had time to “space out my posts” and let people get to know me? I want to remain anonymous… 

Clearly I came to the wrong place if I am just going to be told off and dictated to, on how I should post.
I was alone, upset, clearly! Distressed and desperate to get it all off my chest.
I have nobody else to talk to about this but now I see coming here was a mistake if I can’t even seem to ask for genuine advice without being told I’ve done it wrong and being made to feel even worse?!

Never mind. I should never have come here.

[InbetweenDreams]

I don't think it is unusual for a gay guy to be attracted to boobs or women in general. Not sure about your particular experience but it could be something that will blow over, or you might find yourself attracted to other women, but it doesn't mean that your straight or bi or whatever. I have had this crush on this girl I went to high school with, mind you that was nearly 20 years ago now, and I do wrestle with the thought time to time. Of course the difference here is that I am single and not in a stable relationship.

At any rate you should NOT feel dirty, ashamed that you find whether it is another guy, a women's boobs being attractive. You clearly care a great deal about your partner and I think that says a lot. After all if you didn't care about your partner you wouldn't have posted here about it at all.

[eastofeden]

The situation sounds terrifying for alot of reasons.

I would normally say to be honest but I am not so sure in this case. I know for me as a gay man any kind of bisexuality is a complete turn off for me and I would emotionally disconnect from the man so I think your fears are valid. 

My suggestion would be to seek a therapist who might be able to help you understand it or come to terms with it. I wish you luck.

[Stefan Romir]

I'm sorry.  I meant no harm.  It's just easier to help somebody, sometimes, when you know them better.  

Pardon me.  I unreservedly apologise! 

---------------------------------------------------

Sorry, what?? What “concerns” could I possibly be raising? What??
The reason I came here with this post (anonymously) was because I am actually desperate for help. I don’t want people to get to know me…hence posting anonymously. 
I am ashamed as it is and didn’t want to be identified. I came here in sheer desperation for help and advice, and all at once was the only way I felt I could do this?
Ive been feeling so low and so alone, have quite literally nobody to talk to and was in a very dark place. I didn’t feel I had time to “space out my posts” and let people get to know me? I want to remain anonymous… 

Clearly I came to the wrong place if I am just going to be told off and dictated to, on how I should post.
I was alone, upset, clearly! Distressed and desperate to get it all off my chest.
I have nobody else to talk to about this but now I see coming here was a mistake if I can’t even seem to ask for genuine advice without being told I’ve done it wrong and being made to feel even worse?!

Never mind. I should never have come here.

[InbetweenDreams]

I know for me as a gay man any kind of bisexuality is a complete turn off for me and I would emotionally disconnect from the man

So I am curious so by no means am I criticizing you, just to be clear. Why is bisexuality a turn off? I only ask because I have never known anyone to have similar feelings about that.

[eastofeden]

I know for me as a gay man any kind of bisexuality is a complete turn off for me and I would emotionally disconnect from the man

So I am curious so by no means am I criticizing you, just to be clear. Why is bisexuality a turn off? I only ask because I have never known anyone to have similar feelings about that.

It is only a turn off for me if the guy I was interested in also liked women - otherwise I do not care. 

Someone else can take my place. 

I don't want to elaborate because it is completely politically incorrect what I have to say and I don't want to say it out loud.

[shycat]

So basically you think I should get therapy for potentially being attracted to women too?!
Great. So I’m broken, in your eyes? Or just say what you mean: you think I’ll actually cheat on MY HUSBAND just because I have an attraction of some sort, to women too? I’m not like that. That’s so messed up!
Such biphobic comments and frankly UNhelpful, and has yet again made me feel even worse.
If you’re biphobic then please leave my post. It’s so ignorant.
I have bi friends and relatives who would NEVER be unfaithful! And tbh I don’t actually know WHAT I am right now? I came for advice and support and so far this is my experience: being told I “post wrong” and blatant biphobia on my thread?! No.
Just no.

[InbetweenDreams]

So basically you think I should get therapy for potentially being attracted to women too?!
Great. So I’m broken, in your eyes? Or just say what you mean: you think I’ll actually cheat on MY HUSBAND just because I have an attraction of some sort, to women too? I’m not like that. That’s so messed up!
Such biphobic comments and frankly UNhelpful, and has yet again made me feel even worse.
If you’re biphobic then please leave my post. It’s so ignorant.
I have bi friends and relatives who would NEVER be unfaithful! And tbh I don’t actually know WHAT I am right now? I came for advice and support and so far this is my experience: being told I “post wrong” and blatant biphobia on my thread?! No.
Just no.

Of course I don't share the opinions of others. I kind of get the thing about breaking up bit of the story but...I make very long posts about whatever it happens to be all the time on here. So eh, I wouldn't worry about all that.

The thing about pheromones.... While many animals respond to pheromones, this is unlikely the case because humans do not have a functioning vomeronasal organ, so I am not buying that.

Couple of things, whether you think, or others think, seeking therapy of any kind does not mean you're broken, defective or deficient. The flaw in thinking that a bi person or that you would cheat on your partner is that you could just cheat with another guy or whatever. The idea that one day you want a man and that another day you'll want a woman is absurd.

I do find myself being sexually attracted to both men and women. I am probably bi and not 100% gay, if labels are your thing. Strip away the labels and realize you are human and whether you like men, women or both. In my case I've been talking up this girl I dated in high school, she's one of few women I find sexually attractive and at the same time I'm chatting up guys. I'm single right now and even now I sometimes am not completely sure.

I think everyone is on a spectrum and there's online tests. While I don't think you should put a lot of faith in an online test it can help perhaps reveal some things. Straight guys aren't always so straight and you'll find a lot of gay guys who have slept with a woman at some point. Sexual orientation is not a black and white matter.

I will reiterate that just because boobs turns you on doesn't mean there's anything wrong or anything to be ashamed of. If you're certain of your relationship being strong and you're happy and content with him, great, keep on living life. You don't have to tell your partner that you found a pregnant woman's big boobs sexually arousing. That doesn't mean you love your partner less because of it.

So, moving forward what other concerns do you have about this? Are concerned that maybe you're not really gay?