Been with my guy for 4 months... next step??

[SrChulo]

Hi everyone! I came to this forum hoping to get some advice on what to do with my current situation. I'll give you the short and the longer versions of my dilemma. Scroll down for the short version.











Longer: Alright! I am 22, I moved to Madrid, Spain in September. I had a great luck meeting people. Most stemmed from one person, who is now a great friend of mine. One of those people was his ex (Diego) ... who I really fell for. We've been hooking up for 4 months now. Spending tons of time together, weekends, weeknights, movies, wakeboarding, horseback riding, day trips... etc. It has been pure bliss. I have never been this happy and comfortable in a relationship before (mainly because this is my longest i've ever had...)

So, these past four months have been amazing with him. He is 33 actually, which according to the rules of society (half your age minus 7) is taboo. :p I don't mind. He's introduced me to a lot of his friends, who have all really liked me. We have many friends in common. It feels like he really enjoys my presence, as he really makes an effort to invite me places, spend time w/ me.

I have been 100% exclusive to him. We've never come out and asked that each other be exclusive, but it's more than implied through his humor... he jokes that I have other lovers (which he knows i don't). He asks why I leave him all alone, if i miss him, etc. Mostly to get a reaction I think. Although, the first day I met him, he confessed that he loves knowing that his partner really loves him in a relationship. I haven't forgotten that, and I think that shows through his humor. As far as I know, he also has been exclusive. I joke about his other lovers, which eventually comes down to him saying something like "of course not, americanito mile: " (haha) None of this humor bothers me. It's fun, and i know it's innocent.

I'm really trying to be more communicative in this relationship, as I think it's always been a weak-point for me in past ones (most of which didn't even amount to much, but still). So I'm wondering if I should make an effort to ask him to ... basically be my boyfriend. We have never mentioned the word "novio" [boyfriend] at all when talking about ourselves. He may talk about hypothetical relationships... last night in his jacuzzi he said "I think people in a relationship need to be careful about how they tease each other..." etc. I never tease him (unless he starts it :p) so that wasn't a subtle message to me in that regard. But, obviously a part of me is thinking, "okay, maybe he doesn't want to be my -boyfriend-" for whichever reasons: I'm too young, i might be leaving spain in july (but probably july 2011... or never haha), or... i don't know.

As most of the spanish are, he is very straightforward and says what he thinks. So I doubt that he is nervous to ask me the same question that I am nervous about. You know? I think he is the older most experienced one.. who knows what he wants, which may be just what we already have. He has had past long-term relationships, and has confessed to me that he always prefers to be in a relationship.

The sex is great... he says he loves it and so do I. One issue is that I had never bottomed before, so that has taken a while to get used to. I DEFINITELY like it though. This is a bit personal, but he has uttered things like "mi amor" and "i want you to be mine" (just a couple times) while we're heating up and stuff... Outside of sex he always makes it a point to ask "eres mi pequeñito?" "eres mi americanito" "do you think about me?/miss me?" Obviously I always answer yes. Those definitely go back to what I was saying about him wanting to be loved...

Maybe you've gathered this already, but the way we are with each other now is basically exactly how we would be if I were to slap this label on. Maybe this is already good enough for him? I know labels can ruin things... i'm hoping what we have is stronger than that.

The reason that I want to know this is because of what I mentioned before.. I might be leaving in July. But if i know that I have a solid boyfriend who i really.. really....... really like, then i would stay for another year in a heartbeat. Has it been too long (4 months) for him to just ditch me if he gets bored?

Some things about him which i don't absolutely love about him is how much he works, he can be a bit subtly pompous, but I usually play into that... i love making him happy . He also has more money than he knows what to do with (righteously earned). Who knows if that's a factor.. money makes things complicated.

He is a great great person and I am so happy when I'm with him, and I really think he is too. I am nervous that asking him to be mine could ruin everything I have now. But 4 months is too long to go without talking about this, right? Thanks for reading the longwinded story. I really appreciate any advice. Thanks guys!


Short: Been hooking up exclusively with a guy for 4 months, extremely happy with him. I am sure he is too. However, I am nervous to ask him to be my boyfriend...even though i know this is long overdue (or maybe not for him...?)

[peterinmalaga]

Hola Guapo!
Know what? He IS your boyfriend. What do you want a badge, a certificate or something? I promise you I'm not being sarcastic. What I mean is RELAX AND ENJOY. Stop worrying. You know you're a worrier, don't you? You have what everybody wants. You're young, you have a great boyfriend, loads of friends, a good life. Need I go on? I hope that that solves problem numero uno. You could just refer to him as “my boyfreind” when talking to other friends and see how that goes. But it's not necessary.
Next step: If you leave him now, you're out of your fucking mind. Do I make myself clear? Say to him that you could stay another year. Ask him what he thinks. But don't do it till nearer the end of May?June and make it clear to him that it's no big deal but you're having a good time, learning lots of Spanish (I imagine you are from the USA?) and you really like his company. Don't use any 4-lettered words (I mean “love” unless he uses them first or you do it in a humorous way.
I once met someone in a very similar situation to you and he and his bf split up, so he could pursue his career elsewhere (promotion etc.). He regretted it ever afterwards.
Now comes the tough bit. There are no guarantees. This man of yours could die in your arms in 50 years time or could leave in 10 months. Thats life. But you don't throw it all away when it's all going well.
Besitos
Peter

[SrChulo]

Thank you for that wake-up call. You're right that I am a bit of a worrier. I am trying to get better, though! This time I haven't realized that all of this is really just me worrying.

When you say "If you leave him now, you're out of your fucking mind." Are you talking about right now? Because that was never my intention. That's the last thing I want to do. Unless you're talking about leaving in July. But that's half a year away. At this point, if we're still together in May/June, then I will do as you said and talk to him about staying longer.

Thanks for your input!

[peterinmalaga]

There will be some bad times in your life (with luck not many) and you can worry then! But when everything is going as well as you say, you have to savour every moment and thank your lucky stars. When I said “now” I meant July, which is only the day after tomorrow in the grand scheme of things. Try to be more like the Spanish. Enjoy today and let tomorrow take care of itself. I hope you are going to let him know that he is your boyfriend on the 14th, it's only 8 days away. Keep it light hearted. He'll know how you really feel about him.

[marshlander]

As usual, Peter is absolutely right. When I read your long version I could only wonder why you are looking for problems that don't seem to be there. He seems a little unsure, maybe because you are so much younger and he feels you are going to be stolen away from him by the next good looking man to come along. Be nice to each other and celebrate what you already have. By the sound of it those feelings can only deepen at the moment.

Enjoy yourselves and each other and, by the way, congratulations .