Total Soap Opera Worthy Gold

[J A Y]

Hey,
Um, this weird thing happened this week where I came out to one of my mates while totally plastered. And anyone who read my other posts might remember I said it had been over a year since I had alcohol so let me explain lol.

Well, over a year ago, I was at this party, and there was this guy there (We'll call him J from here lol) and he was one of those kinda "takes ur breath away" kinda guys - and I tried to talk to him only to realise he was totally straight (classic jock type) which only made him even more appealing but I kinda got really nervous and backed away. So I guess I may have only spoken a few brief sentences to J... ever. And I was at a bad stage at the time and so my cure was to get off my face on an insane mix of drinks. After a bit, the guys mate came over (Called S from here!) to me and took me away to talk about it. And I told S, who was also a total stranger, that I fancied his mate. And we were talkin for a while and he kissed me. And I think I kissed him back. But then I freaked out and went all homophobic on his ass and told him to get away from me. Yeah I'm a friggin jerk when I'm drunk, I know...

So after that night I decided to ditch the booze from my life entirely, mostly because I was so ashamed I'd told this random guy about my... well, gayness, before anyone else. He tried to contact me a number of times after that but I didn't respond at all. In truth, I didn't/don't fancy him at all. He was just there, which sounds really horrible, but it was the truth. He's a really sweet guy and all but I'm just not into him that way.

So skip ahead to present day. I've been having a rough time lately and there was a lot of beer in the fridge and so I thought I'd just have one, but one thing led to another and there I was, drunk, in my apartment, alone. So I got a bit upset and my mate (Known as P from here on!) who I live with came home and found me and I fell apart and told him everything. So it just so happens that P knows both S and J through relatives, and he even knows that I've kissed S. So we talk about this for ages when P goes on to say "Don't be embarrassed, I know lotsa gay guys, do you remember J from that party last year? He came out just a couple of months ago". So J who was total straight jock type? Turns out he's batting for my team! Which made me feel a range of different emotions at the same time. I was first off, really excited. Its the first time I felt excited like that about a guy in a long time. But then I realised I'd missed my chance and was sad. If I hadn't been so judgemental I might have seen passed his straightness. I told P that I was really into J but he told me I should be more concerned about how I had acted with S. Which is a fair point.

I thought about forgetting entirely about both of them. But I was on facebook and I couldn't resist just checkin out J's profile to see if he still had the same effect on me. Just seeing his picture had my heart jumpin! Which sounds a bit tacky, I know, but I just need to express this somehow lol. And now I cannot stop thinking about him. But I don't even know where he goes to college. He could be a million miles away. And I know for a fact he wouldn't remember me AT ALL. We hadn't even spoken for more than a minute. The only path to him would be through adding S as a friend on facebook. Which would be a not nice thing to do, as I'd basically be using him to get to someone else. Which is so wrong. Although I would like to let S know I'm sorry for being a jerk, or that we could still be mates, I don't want to kiss him again.

In conclusion. HELP!

Even if its tips on how to get this guy out of my head, I need to hear some good advice. And don't tell me I need to stop drinking again because I've already decided that I'm back on being 100% sober 100% of the time.

Thanks for reading (if you did).

[fjp999]

[COLOR="Purple"]One step at a time... Go ahead and tell S that you were a jerk and sorry etc and see how it goes from there.

Good luck with it all, including staying off the drink.[/COLOR]

[fredv3b]

First, well done! You now have someone you can talk to about things (as well as us). Second remember that although J is rather gorgeous eye candy, you don't actually know him, if you did get to know him you might well find he really isn't your type, so don't get fixated on him. Third, S deserves an apology, be honest explain you were rather messed up in your head. Becoming friends with S might be a good idea, through him you may get to meet some nice (gay) guys (I'm thinking here of guys other than J). For that matter P may be able to introduce you some of his gay friends.

My advice is accept that you are fantasising about J (nothing wrong with that, but reality often disappoints when compared to fantasy). Do the decent thing and apologise to S. Take this opportunity to expand your social circle.

[peterinmalaga]

Fjp and Fred have said it all. There's nothing wrong with fantasizing about J but be aware that you are in love with an illusion. He may have character traits you hate, he may have bad breath and a really small dick or any number of other qualities that would be a total turn-off for you if you got to know him better. You need friends now, so that you have an easier way of meeting Mr Right.


I know I'm not PC but other than that I'm perfect, OK?

[J A Y]

Hey guys,

Thanks for the advice, It's like I already know the answer but I need to hear it from someone else. You guys are totally right. I SHOULD apologise to S. But I'm just not ready for that right now. And I'm not ready to talk to anyone about this. With my mate who I told... things are just awkward now. I feel so stupid for sayin anything and I really regret it. These past few weeks I've thought so much about sexuality, and it's been so tough - agonising over telling or not, the prospect of being with a guy, the prospect of being with anybody. And I'm just so tired - I'm just emotionally drained - and it's such a bad time for it - work is hectic and I've totally distanced myself from all my mates. I've cried more times in the past two weeks than I have in years, and I honestly can't deal with it. I even feel guilty being on this website. So I'm gonna take a step back from it all. I need to just focus on other people instead of myself, I'm spending way to much time selfishly considering my own feelings about the whole thing. Everything was much easier when I kept my opinions to myself, and I think I'm gonna try and straighten myself back out for now. But thanks so much for taking the time to read my posts while I was here, and I really am inspired by the bravery some of you guys have.

Thanks again, and all the best.
Jay

[fredv3b]

Jay, why the big guilt trip?

I'm not ready to talk to anyone about this. With my mate who I told... things are just awkward now. I feel so stupid for sayin anything and I really regret it.

Of course things are going to feel a bit awkward initially, but beyond that what is there to regret so much? Did you honestly want to never tell him?

These past few weeks I've thought so much about sexuality, and it's been so tough - agonising over telling or not, the prospect of being with a guy, the prospect of being with anybody. And I'm just so tired - I'm just emotionally drained - and it's such a bad time for it - work is hectic and I've totally distanced myself from all my mates. I've cried more times in the past two weeks than I have in years, and I honestly can't deal with it.

Be honest which is more draining the thought of eventually being out and having a boyfriend or the thought of forever being in the closet and never having a boyfriend? I remember how horrible your situation is, mine didn't get better until I did something about it. Of course you need to take things at your own pace, but you can deal with it. Not saying its easy or quick but you can deal with it.

I even feel guilty being on this website. So I'm gonna take a step back from it all.

What have you to feel guilty about being on this website? Has anyone suffered from you being on this website?

I need to just focus on other people instead of myself, I'm spending way to much time selfishly considering my own feelings about the whole thing. Everything was much easier when I kept my opinions to myself, and I think I'm gonna try and straighten myself back out for now.

Jay, if you don't look after yourself how do you expect to be able to look after others? Sometimes you need to be selfish, who is considering your own true feelings right now? Of course, life was easier before you started thinking about your sexuality so much, but you started thinking about it so much because you know you don't want to go on like this in the closet forever. May be you need to give yourself a break right now, but you know you need to deal with this.

But thanks so much for taking the time to read my posts while I was here, and I really am inspired by the bravery some of you guys have.

Some of us are brave, but most of us (myself included) aren't, we just somehow found a way to do what we had to do.

Hope your read this & take care.

[dylan181]

Honestly, to me, it sounds as if you have no trust in anyone. You're 21 years old, you have friends who accept you for who you are. Sure, you have made mistakes in the past, but who hasn't. You need to stop getting down on yourself and be happy. You have it way better than other homosexuals around the world. Stop feeling guilty, you are who you are, no sense in trying to hide that from someone.