16-year relationship ending

[cuteohboi]

If anyone could help me figure out what to do, I would be so grateful. I'm on the verge of suicide over this.

My partner and I have been together for over 16 years. I recently discovered that he had a secret email account that I was unaware of. I spent some time trying to guess the password and was eventually successful. Inside I discovered two years' worth of emails which showed that he had been hooking up with dozens of different guys behind my back during that time period. Many of them in our own home and in our bed while I had been at work. Obviously I was utterly devastated, and confronted him. After a lot of crying and apologies, He managed to convince me to stay with him and that he would never cheat again.

Just to make sure, I installed keystroke logging software on our computer so I could spy on what he was doing. I found out that he had set up another account and was continuing to cheat. I confronted him and we went through the whole thing again.

This time, however, he admitted that he was unable to stay faithful, and we both agreed that we would try occasionally having a third person over for sex. Het felt like he could stay faithful if we did this. I find threesomes to be disgusting, as I don't like having empty meaningless sex. But I agreed to do it in an attempt to save our relationship of 16 years.

In the process of him trying to find a guy for us to have sex with, he met a guy that we started chatting with. This guy was not really interested in a threesome, however he and I ended up becoming friends and now we have feelings for each other. We have hung out and dated a couple times, and I am really starting to care for him a lot.

I want to start seeing this guy regularly now, but I still love and care for my boyfriend. I have decided to move out and get my own apartment, but I am devasted over how badly it will hurt my boyfriend to lose me. It will hurt me a lot too, but I'm more worried about him because I have my new friend to turn to and he will have no one. I feel like I'm trapped with no way out, and am having suicidal thoughts over this because I feel like there is no solution.

I'm sorry for the long post, I just really need some help/advice. Thanks.

[Kiid]

Hey man don't think about hurting your self. Think that now you are at the bottom and things can only get better from here on!

[fredv3b]

First let me say that you really have my sympathies. This relationship has gone on from when you were 17ish to now, age 33 (according to your age on GS), it couldn't possibly be easy to get over, so don't be surprised or upset that it isn't.

Does your ex have any friends or family he could turn to for support? If yes, then they will be there for him, if no then, obviously, things are not so simple. Perhaps you have got a good friend who could do you a favour and keep an eye out for him? At the end of the day you clearly did pretty much everything you could to save your relationship, which he endangered by being unfaithful. The breakup will be painful for the both of you, but you can't put your life on hold indefinitely. Try to leave him on good terms, don't squabble about the contents of the apartment.

Just my tuppence worth...

But remember, this isn't worth hurting yourself over!

[littledigger]

You're in a horrible time at the moment, but unfortunately, a common one. 16 years of trust, friendship and love is a very big thing to give up and you should consider this very carefully. The friendship you are building with the other guy cannot compare with your relationship of 16 years. You are going through a very rough patch and your friendship is giving you A light, but is it the correct light? Or is the grass greener? You have so many options to consider and lots of them could save your 16 years relationship. Ok, he fucked around, but did he love around? Its a different thing and i bet he still loves you. Men have urges (especially gay men). Have you ever been unfaithful to him? If yes, don't be a hypocrite. If no, have some fun, and then don't be a hypocrite. Then, you could agree on several things. 1, have a completely open relationship. 2, open the relationship together, i.e. have 3 somes and orgies together. 3. Have a secret open relationship, i.e. you both see other guys but you keep it a secret from each other. I don't think its possible for you to have a monogamous relationship again with your partner as the trust is broken, so this must be something you deal with. (When it happened to me, i decided to have some fun so i was forced not to be a hypocrite. It worked and we are still together). This will take at least a year for you to get to grips with but it will be worth saving your relationship for. If you simply don't love him any more, then leave him, but make sure you are not confused by your disappointment in him with not loving him. Write it all down on paper it helps to see things clearly. If you stay together through this, you will probably grow old together. Sex seams to be the only thing that can easily get in between a relationship, so if you remove the problem, then all should be stable again.

Sorry for the long post, i've been there and come out the other end with a better relationship. I hope you do too. good luck.

[cuteohboi]

Thank you so much for your kind and compassionate responses. I'm beginning to become a big fan of the UK & New Zealand If I had posted this on a predominately U.S. forum I'm sure I would have a lot bitchiness and attitude.

fredv3b, yes I was 17 when we met. We were both in high school. And yes, he does have a large & fairly closeknit family (four siblings) who could act as a support group for him. I've also made it clear to him that I will still be there for him if he ever needs anything and that I still want to maintain a close friendship with him. In addition, we do have a couple mutual friends whom I could ask to keep an eye on him to make sure he is OK. So thank you for that insight and advice, that does make me feel a little better. Also, I'm trying to leave on good terms but the jealousy has set in on his part and he is starting to be kind of mean. I'm not sure how to handle this.

littledigger, your comments are very wise and realistic. I've spent a lot of time pondering them and trying to decide whether or not any of these scenarios would work for me. I don't know, maybe it's just my old-fashioned American heartland upbringing, but I don't feel like I would be happy in an open relationship. I want to be someone's "one and only", and I want them to be mine. Maybe I'm too idealistic and am wishing for something I will never find (or doesn't exist), but I think I want to keep trying for now.

I am doing a little better today as far as the feelings of hopelessness and thoughts of suicide. I think it's because I'm starting to be able to visualize living apart from him and that, althought it will be very painful for a while, I will probably be ok.

[marshlander]

You're right, cuteohboy, it probably will be okay. That doesn't mean you're not going to be able to stop going over and over everything until it all settles in however long it takes.

I think it is amazing that you and your partner have been able to sustain a relationship for such a long time considering the age you were when you met. I don't know about women, but men certainly seem to go through a lot of changes in ideas and attitudes around the time they leave home and become of age to take up higher education or full-time work.

I can't add to the advice you have already received, but it sounds like you are beginning to sort things through in your head. If you are anything like me it will depend on the day as to how many steps you take forward and how many back.

Best wishes to you both. Try and be kind to yourself.

[fredv3b]

Re-reading your original post, my reply and Littledigger's reply I think there may have been some confusion. My understanding was you had decided that your relationship had to end, I was giving some advice about how to do it. I wasn't advising you to end your relationship, I'd need to know much more before I would dream of doing that. I just wanted to make sure what I meant to say and what I actually said were the same.

Thank you so much for your kind and compassionate responses. I'm beginning to become a big fan of the UK & New Zealand If I had posted this on a predominately U.S. forum I'm sure I would have a lot bitchiness and attitude.

Thank you for saying so.

[cuteohboi]

I went out with the new guy last night, and kind of got the feeling that he was brushing me off. I can't handle this again. I'm too fragile of a state I've degraded into such an emotional mess at this point that I'm not thinking rationally. This pain is greater than my ability to cope with it. I'm afraid that if I don't hear from him soon that I'm going to have to stop the pain the only way i know how.

[marshlander]

Perhaps these kind of "games" don't suit you. May I wish you the strength to get through this.

[princealbertofb]

Cuteohboi... I think you may need a counsellor to talk to... someone who hasn't any vested interest. You need to talk, and probably get some feed back on what decisions you've taken recently. You are probably also too fragile to be good material for boyfriendship... so let some water pass under the bridge before trying to hook up with anyone. You could probably do with a friend or two in the meantime. Are there any around you?