Healthy Friendship or Romantic Attraction

[jdallert]

I'm in a bit of a dilemma, and I'd like to see if people can give me advice or perspective. I came out a few months ago and met someone shortly after. He's bisexual. I developed a huge crush on him, and he quickly became my best friend. I don't really have any other friends, though; I've never really had any friends before.

He's a great guy who's done some not-so-good things in the past, but I respect him greatly who he's become and what he's accomplished. He has helped me become more open with myself and to lose the inhibitions I used to have. I feel very comfortable in his company. I told him not long after I met him that I was interested in if he might want to try dating. But he's been in a lot of bad relationships in his past, and even though we have a lot of similarities, he said he wouldn't think it would work, and that we should just be friends. I said okay, and I've been trying to think of him as a friend, but sometimes I wonder if I want more.

One time since then, we were cuddling on his couch; it led to some hugging and kissing, and he reminded me that we were doing this as friends, and I said okay, but we both let it go too far, and I was soon naked on his bed. But he stopped us before we went all the way, because he was afraid we might get too attached to each other, or ruin our friendship. I find the idea of cuddling with him on the couch watching movies or playing video games is very pleasant. Is it okay for friends to cuddle? Is it healthy to want to be close to your friend like that? But I don't think I want it to get to sex again.

He's been out of town for almost a month, and I miss him a lot. I'm not sure what to think. I've never had any close friends before. I think my problem is that I am unsure of whether this is strong desire for friendship or a strong romantic attraction, neither of which I've ever had before.

If anyone has any ways to help me look at this or give some context, please say something. Thanks in advance.

[fenris]

Friendship is a matter of definition. For ME in a friendship can happen what both want to do. Cuddle ? Why not ? I don´t see a problem if both want to. And yes .. I can do much more if both want to and both know its "just" a friendship and not a partnership -whatever. And I can miss a friend very bad - I really can
Healthy... every good connection between friends is healthy by my opinion.

[Student]

I think you're probably eager to explore things, and this is one of the first guys who has come along for you and shown you some interest in a deeper way than other people have before, even if just as a close friendship. Also, I'd guess that you haven't had many friends who were available to you before in the sense that I bet most people you've met didn't have, or at least openly admit to having, a certain level of homosexual attraction. I remember finding this one guy attractive just because I knew he was gay. When I look back on it, I know that I don't find him attractive, it's just that he was showing an interest in me as a person, and he was gay! At the time it seemed very real, but I just hadn't met a great spectrum of people who were available to me at least in the sense that they wanted to date men too.

Another thing I often find difficult to differentiate is finding somebody attractive and just having a great deal of admiration for somebody. Of course you can often find that you admire many things in the people you find attractive, but sometimes I can confuse admiration and wanting to be that person or have some of their characteristics with wanting to be with that person. By the sounds of things you have low self-esteem and he's helping you to lift yourself out of that. Someone who has that kind of confidence is something you can greatly admire. You have even said yourself that you respect him.

I would say, see how it goes, it's difficult for me to tell exactly how you feel. I would also say that whilst I have a friend with whom I share everything, I wouldn't sit and cuddle with him, there's no underlying sexual tension between us. I admire and respect him a lot too, but we just don't find each other attractive despite the fact that we are both gay. I mean we do hug when we see each other or say goodbye, but as a symbol of our friendship. That's not to say 2 friends can't cuddle and if it feels right for you to explore your feelings then go for it. But then as you're just coming out of your shell it might be a good idea not to make this guy feel uncomforable or awkward if there's only one-sided feelings. From experience, friends with benefits isn't always the best solution either...

Sorry, don't know if that was any help.

[jdallert]

I think you're probably eager to explore things, and this is one of the first guys who has come along for you and shown you some interest in a deeper way than other people have before, even if just as a close friendship.

I bet this is an important part of what's going on. I have tried dating a few times, and I haven't really met someone I really like yet, but perhaps as I find new people and open myself to more relationships, it'll become clearer to me how I feel about relationships with different people, especially my friend. You both have provided me with some very helpful advice. Thanks for posting. If anyone else has anything to say, I'd appreciate to hear it.