Advice on my 7 year Relationship Ending.

[bostongoodtimes]

So heres the story, and I'm looking for some advice. Maybe from guys who have been in my position, and from guys who might have been in my ex-boyfriends position.

My ex and I met when he was 20 and I was 22. He was kind of a wild child, and was attracted to my responsibility and maturity. We ended up going out and over the next 4 years, he seemed to get more mature as well. he went from working in a hotel to getting a career in the police force. I encouraged him the entire time. Around that time, we both slipped up and cheated on each other. He cheated first, and "allowed" me to cheat, to kind of even it up. And it blew up from there. So he ended up meeting some kid from NH and they dated and him anbd I broke apart. The kid he met up with was totally not his type. He was a partier, but very out (My ex is not) and effeminate. The first few weeks I would conctact him, text and go to his house and beg for him to come back. Tell him how much of a mistake he was making etc etc. After about 3 months, we did end up getting back together. He regretted being with that kid and says he knew it wasnt what he wanted but he needed to do it.

So for the last 2.5 years things have been good. Our relationship has matured. As we get older, our interests changed. He still went out and drank, and sometimes too much. I was okay with it, as long as he wasnt drinking and driving or puking in the middle of the night. However, he couldnt even stop doing that. Our relationship was still good though. We'd spend a little time together every night before he went to work, either go out to eat or eat together at home and watch our favorite shows. Or go to my sisters and make dinner, or a midnight movie in Boston. Good stuff.

So he went down to Miami for his birthday and met a guy who he saw a few times. And the guy has money and I guess has enticed him so much that my ex dumped me and is now planning on traveling down to Miami to see this guy again. My ex is in love with the idea of living in Miami, but he knows he has a secure job up here that he worked hard for. He left my house, even though I told him we could work out the sex, as long as he wasnt building a relationship with this kid. I said he had to stop talking to him. My ex refused. Said he couldnt stop lying and cheating on me and treats me like crap and he couldnt stand to make me go through this. Of course, thats bull because if he couldnt handle to put me through this, he would just stop talking to the kid.

So the day he moved out, he moved an hr away into a small room at hi uncles house. He texts me and says that 'it finally hit him. he feels like a bum living out of a box and hes 27 and he feels like hes taking steps backward.'

So it seems like he knows hes making a bad decision and knows it probably wont work out with this kid in Florida, but he cant seem to say no to this fantasty of his. So I text him back and tell him I love him and wanrt him home but he cant have his cake and eat it too. I havent heard from him in a few days.

So I just get confused because our relationship was pretty strong, we didnt fight alot. He was a part of my family (he has a bad relationship with his family cuz theyre alcoholics). We have the same sense of humor and find a lot of happiness in the little things we do. And then he just drops it so quick that he didnt even have a place to stay. And he drops it all for this fantasy.

And while he was leaving, he said he really wants to remain great friends so that we can still go to the movies, and go out to eat and watch our favorite tv shows together and go to all the family functions together. And when I told him we would probably end up having sex, first he said "nah i wouldnt want to do that to you and hurt you" and then he admitted we probably would.

So he wants all the fun of our relationship, still wants to have the sex, still wants to be a part of my family, and even admits that the decision hes making is a step backwards...so why cant he just come back?

I drive myself crazy wondering if hes going to try and come back again. I told him I cannot be his friend because I cannot see him and not want to love him. I dont know.

[DarkDaisuke]

Wow im sorry to hear that

[fenris]

Hi ,

you should say him very clear that a seperation is like a divorce ... Your family is your family... your friends are your friends... and so on.
This "let us be best friends" normally is impossible... and .. sorry .. shit. It doesn´t work and only hurt you.
His Situation for you is very uninteresting ... what he did and what not is not longer your thing... no need that you make his sorrows and problems to yours.
I remember the last call with my ex ... he said "I ´m in prison"... Is said "Ok .. have some nice days..." and that was it ...
You should plan your own future .. take a lot of time for yourself.. do what you want to do .. go out into the nature... cinema, read ... do things only for you ... take a outtime .. and when you feel it is right for you start new .. with a partner who loves you... and wich you can love.

I have felt after my separation with my ex .. that I need a lot of time for myself.. I have taken that time .. and it was right .. At this moment you feel a bit bad ... but that is not bad .. it gives you time to thinking... and when you someday remember this time .. you will feel that it was right.
I think you will feel sometimes alone .. but you are not :-)

[Sil]

Hey Boston,

really feeling for you here mate, that sounds like an awful situation and I'm sorry I often get images of what it'd be like to split up, and it's never easy when you care for someone so much.

I'm a much more volatile and sensitive person, and if I was in your shoes I probably would've been pretty mad after the effort you made to help him sort himself out. But people have ways of putting spells over us and sometimes you're so close you don't even see the little things that you know are gonna cause problems. I agree with Fenris, I think now would be the point that you stop making his problems your problems. If this is the way he wants to do things then you don't owe him that anymore. It sounds a lot like you're being a security blanket for him while he works through all of his fantasies and ideas, and you deserve more than that.

Sadly, I don't think being friends works either I've tried it before but there's always way too much sentiment and memory for it to really go back to being something platonic. When you know so much about a person and you have to go back to knowing just a little; I don't think it works unless as an acquaintance "hi, you okay? cool, take it easy."

I've met one of my boyfriend's exes and he was a real jerk, just no respect for himself and likes to put down on other people. I understand with that how people change, I really couldn't imagine him being with someone like that but it does happen. We're very complex creatures.

I know you want him to come back so bad, but I think it's definitely time for you two to stop living through each other; you both have your own priorities and issues at the moment, and until he settles down I think it may be just more and more of the same. I'm hoping you can find your way through it in time and be 'just friends' so you can stay close, but it really sounds like there may be someone out there who you won't have to feel responsible for, and who won't make you wonder what the hell is going on. All the best mate

[bostongoodtimes]

I guess my problem is I feel like I invested a lot into this relationship. 7 years is a long long time. We know each other inside and out. So I don;t want to just throw it away if hes just going through his own personal turmoil. I know he had a bad life. I know hes got issues. We've talked about them, and he is aware of his own demons.

Theres that part of me that gets very angry, thinking 'how could my boyfriend of 7 years dump me (or consider an open relationship) for a guy who lives a plane trip away and hes only known for 3 days? I get the party atmosphere is awesome, but doesnt he know that its got to end sometime?"

And there is then that part of me that understands that 7 years is a long time, and when one of your fantasies is readily available to become reality, it must be really hard to say no. You'd regret it if you didnt see what that fantasy come to life had in store for you. I often equate it to my own fantasies or crushes. Like, if one of my crushes said "hey ryan lets be in a relationship," I think I'd have a hard time saying no. At least initially, because the idea is so profound.

I love him, and we spent so much time together I imagine he must love me too. I get scared. I'm missing him so much but havent heard from him at all...I dont know if he misses me too.

[OrphanPip]

Hey boston, your ex sounds a bit like a child. I think you're right to tell him you don't want to be friends. Honestly, it doesn't seem like he really wants to be friends, he just wants you as a security net to fall back on when things don't work out. I know it's hard, but maybe you should take the initiative and just cut things off and stop him from jerking you around.

Edit: I'll add though that sometimes the friend thing works out, me and my last bf still chat occasionally, but he moved away and we had a relatively pleasant breakup. The distance and lack of any betrayal kind of makes it easier.

[fenris]

A very important thing is : Don´t look back .. as long as the separation is very new for you. If you start to think back ... say STOP, not yet. After a few times it works.
And when you feel bad when you see him .. tell him that you don´t want to see him in time. It is your right to do so.. he has not asked you for things he did .. so you have a right to do things which you need for your feelings. Don´t think " I love him " it hurts you... tell yourself you will find a new love.... look into you future... and not back.
I know that it hurts ... but the alternatives are only bad... your BF who can do what he wants, because he know that nothing happend. Or you are his 1.. maybe 2. BF ? Why ... do you want to live in his harem ?

[bostongoodtimes]

So, my ex called me this morning around 9 am. I didn't answer it though. I let it go to voicemail. He left a message asking me out for breakfast and said I should call him back within 5 minutes if I wanted to go. And then towards the end of the message he said 'so call me back in 5 minutes if you want to go to breakfast...if not, just call me back anyway."

I felt relieved he called, but know since hes still planning on taking a trip to Florida to see this guy. I dont know how to approach him calling me.

[fenris]

So, my ex called me this morning around 9 am. I didn't answer it though. I let it go to voicemail. He left a message asking me out for breakfast and said I should call him back within 5 minutes if I wanted to go. And then towards the end of the message he said 'so call me back in 5 minutes if you want to go to breakfast...if not, just call me back anyway."

I felt relieved he called, but know since hes still planning on taking a trip to Florida to see this guy. I dont know how to approach him calling me.

If I were you I would not call him back at the moment... you have to watch that you will not get hurt anymore and the best way is to show your borders.

[AlaricXY]

Wow.
Your boyfriend is very lucky to have you.
An understanding and caring man, in general.
It's not easy letting go 7 years of love and joy.
Listen to your heart, it always has an answer for you.
If you think you can work things out with your boyfriend, don't give up.
Stay with him. Together, you exorcise all the demons from his past and present.

Otherwise, let him go.
Don't let your 7 years of wasted youth turned into 10 years and so on.
If his love is meant to be yours, he will come back to you.

You are a great guy.
You deserve better.
Think for yourself.