Should I tell my girlfriend?

[jakem]

I am an 18 year-old male. I have been in a serious relationship with a girl for two years and four months. We are engaged, though we don't plan on getting married for several years. We have a pretty healthy sexual relationship; we both find each other attractive and we both really enjoy sex.

My problem is that I am bisexual, and that causes me guilt regarding our relationship. Though my girlfriend is also bisexual, it is different for her. She’s had past relations with other women, while I haven’t had past relations with anyone. I find her bisexuality to be extremely sexy, but to her, my bisexuality is a mixed deal. Sometimes she will say how she thinks it could be sexy, but then other times she says that the thought of me and another man together is intensely unattractive. She says that she can only imagine me in a submissive sexual role, and that, reasonably, is unattractive to her. But I can’t help what I feel. Before dating her, I had the feeling that I was completely gay, and not bisexual. But now I think that I am attracted to both men and women, maybe a little more to men and less to women. But because of the way she thinks, I have tried to downplay my sexuality, in other words, not mention any homosexual thoughts. It’s gotten to the point where I feel guilty for feeling them.

All throughout our relationship though, despite ample sexual attention from my girlfriend, I’ve always had this nagging desire, this continuous attraction for men. I regularly masturbate to pictures of men, but almost never to women. I always notice hot guys, but not as often do I see girls that I think are attractive. When I do, the attraction is the same, but it just doesn’t happen as often with women. This has gone on ever since I first had sexual feelings, and I’m used to it by now. But I promised that as long as I was in this relationship, I would keep these feeling to myself, and make sure that my girlfriend stayed oblivious of the extent of my attraction to men.

This has only become a problem recently because my girlfriend confronted me and asked me if I masturbated to porn or not. Before she asked, I had maintained that I did not masturbate at all because I had no desire to do so (this was, unfortunately, a lie). So I told the partial truth: I told her that I masturbated once or twice a week (another lie, the real amount is more) but never out of lust or desire (another lie) and never to any images (another lie) and I always thought of her (another lie). How could I tell her the truth, that almost every day I masturbate to pictures of men, and never to women? She didn’t buy my lie for long and came back to me, asking if I had been completely truthful. Now I don’t know what to do. I’m scared that if I tell her the full truth, that I masturbate to pictures of men, and almost never to pictures of women, she will think that I am completely gay and that she is wasting her time with me. My future with her is extremely important to me. I know that I love her and I know that I want to raise a family with her. But I have these strong feelings of lust that I can’t explain, and I don’t know if it will hurt her or cause our relationship to suffer. But on the other hand, I know that we should be honest to each other. But I’m scared what that might cause. I don’t know what to do.

[curtlecritic]

i mean no disrespect in such a short reply. but yes. honesty is always the best answer. and quickly.

[DRW]

This is just my opinion, but I think you are too young to be engaged. Because you are bisexual, and have not had any past relationships can pose a problem. You are attracted to men, therefore at some point in time, you are likely going to want to be with a man. All of my past girl friends except for two knew that I was bisexual. Most girls cant handle it, and always think they are in competition with other guys as well as girls. I think you need to just tell her how you feel. I also think you should explore your sexuality before you decide that getting married to a woman is what you want. Many marriages have failed because of this. So in order to save yourself from the drama, you need to know exactly want you want, and be honest about it.

[SlipknotRlZZ]

I think it is very important for you and your relationship to be honest with her about those things. If she doesn't accept you for them and doesn't undertsand...how can you be with her? My advice is to tell her everything and assure her in your feelings for her. It is not bad that you like men or that you masturbate to men. It is who you are.

[marshlander]

Honesty is over-rated, but lying isn't always the answer. If people ask stupid questions they deserve stupid answers. If they ask deeply personal ones, they should be prepared to deal with the consequences of finding out whatever Pandora keeps in the box. Some people can get away with living multiple lives and for others it becomes increasingly and sometimes deeply traumatic. From what you've told us, it isn't going to get any better than it is at the moment. If I knew then what I know now I would not have been engaged by the time I was eighteen and married at nineteen. I claim ignorance, naivety and stupidity on my part, but you clearly have none of these excuses going for you.

You owe it to yourself and to the health of any future relationship to extricate yourself from this one now before you find yourself buried even deeper. There is nothing wrong with feeling the way you do or in indulging in your particular brands of relaxation, but you and your fiancée seem to have incompatible needs at present. It is possible that you may be able to settle into being able to have a happy relationship with a woman, maybe even this one, but being engaged now is being too serious too soon. The road you are on leads to marriage, children, unhappiness probably affairs with men and, if you can't sort it otherwise, divorce and alimony.

However painful it might seem now, it is far better to get unengaged and find out more about yourself before entering into a serious relationship and then see the trap door slam shut behind you.

This is just the jaundiced opinion of one middle-aged man who went down that route. I hope you make some better choices than I did.

Best wishes to you and your partner.

[DarkDaisuke]

If I were you, Id at least tell her how you feel. If you feel like this now, think about how you'll feel in 20 years... Desire doesn't go away. You're bi and you're curious about guys; Id take a break from your relationship put it on hold whatever and just explore that side that you obviously so badly want to explore :/

[Vigilias]

Hi Jakem.

I am very reluctant to attach labels to people, especially where sexuality is concerned but from what you've told us in your post it seems to indicate to me that you are primarily attracted to guys or at the very least your sexuality is not entirely fixed. Read it back to your self, see what you think.

Rather than honesty, you need to be thoughtful to your girlfriend. Non of this is anyone's fault, you didn't choose to feel this way but keeping your feelings a secret will only end badly. I'm not suggesting you tell her right now but perhaps you might benefit from one of the "Talking Therepies" counselling. For gawds sake, stay clear of counsellers who claim to be able to "Cure" you of your homosexual feelings and desires, they might just as well claim to cure you of liking Pasta or the colour green.

No, what I mean is getting some help on your feelings of guilt surrounding the secret you are keeping. How to manage the truth.

Another thing, eighteen years-old is, with the greatest respect, a little young to be talking about getting engaged and married. You know the old saying, "Marry in haste - repent at leisure". You wouldn't be the first gay guy to take that option only to realise what a mess of two lives has been made. What if children become involved, have you thought that far ahead?

Another thing that jumps out from between the lines of your post, to me anyway, is that your girlfriend may be a little controlling of you. It seems fine for her to take other female partners but she can't handle it if you have other male partners. Maybe it's just an insecurity rather than control.

Incidentally, I trust you are both playing safely! Over 25 Million people have died of AIDS since 1981 World-Wide, don't become another statistic, please!

Stick around the forums and see what we have to offer others, post back and let us know how you're getting on and good luck!

[bluefox4000]

Tell her. My wife knows. She was happy I was open with her. So i say tell her.

Mick

[princealbertofb]

I don't think all girlfriends will react as coolly as Mick's wife. Your girlfriend, if she isn't controlling, is certainly looking for the truth. What is probably the case is that she has felt something is not totally right, and that she's trying to get to the bottom of it. I'm taking the option here that she's not a controlling freak, but just someone who needs to know whether she's making the right choice of partner. I think maybe it would be more honest with her and to yourself just to call the relationship a day and maybe see less of each other until you've had the opportunity to find out what those gay feelings are and how they could become true in your life.
I had a similar experience to yours when I was in my early 20s. But first I had a boyfriend, then for 4 years a girlfriend that I truly loved and felt comfortable with. But when we broke up for reasons that were nothing to do with our emotions for each other, rather with life taking a turn, I swore to myself that I'd never get back into a relationship with a woman as I didn't feel I'd be honest and fair with her. My hankerings for another male body and romantic partner were just too strong underneath the surface. I finally plucked the courage to do someting more about it after 18 years of celibacy... In a way, that celibacy probably kept me from going the same way as many men of my generation, and dying of AIDS, but since I met my current partner, it's been just wonderful to be loved and be in love with another man... I'd say you need to experience something like it before you can truly choose which way to go. Good luck in finding your own truth and being able to stand up for it.

[Dark Angel]

I'll keep it short and sweet. I think you should tell her, as if you dont it will only eat a way at you