Did I do the right thing?
03-16-2011, 06:36 PM
Probably not the right place to post this, but oh well. I originally posted this on tumblr, but I feel I'll get more of a response here better than on tumblr. If you'd like to see the post on tumblr for all of the correct markup, or would like to follow me: tumblr.
Is a good analogy if you actually want to believe them. But if you can go on with your life with believing that, then this blog just isn’t for you. And I suggest you best leave because there isn’t anything I’ll say that will make you agree with me - because you’re already under the delusion that you’ll find someone by blind hope.
You’re probably wondering why I’m putting this here, when I should go cry about it in a corner, write some emo music, pull out my piano and start the melody then put it on youtube for other emo kids to slit their wrists to. I’m putting this here because I want to. Because I need to vent. Because I can’t write one of those emo songs because the inspiration isn’t there.
I met him last year. Around September 2010. I didn’t trust him at first. But we started talking. He didn’t like the fact that I played World of Warcraft. A lot. I didn’t like the fact that he’s a macfag. I put it aside though. Along with the fact that he disliked my WoW playing. And continued talking to him. Eventually we started getting intimate. Little fits of flirtation, fits of rage because one of us said the wrong thing. And then one day, I asked him out and he declined.
That was the excuse. And as true as it was, I responded with “Well that’s the point of a relationship. To learn more about the other even more deeply. More intimately.â€Â
What I should’ve said was, “I’m desperate.â€Â
And we went along with this charade for a pretty good amount of time. We did really good together until one of us pointed out a flaw or other mistake we made. But what stuck with me the most was that I never pointed out his flaws or mistakes. I flirtatiously joked with him about his. But he was genuine with his deliveries. He meant that I couldn’t sing. He meant that I should be a macfag. He meant that I was stupid. He meant that I didn’t know what I was talking about. But once again, my desperation ailed me. Made me put it aside and continue on. Like the housewife with the abusive husband that didn’t need refused to admit she was being abused, whether emotionally or physically, by her husband. And then we hit late October, early November. I had finally had enough. I had finally decided that I’ve had enough of his emotional abuse and told him that it was over. That I was done. He curtly put on my Facebook:
Well this is where I got furious. This is where I lost it. The emotion he showed after I told him it was over, was happiness. Was glad it was over. And that pissed me off the most. He put me through emotional hell for the better of two months and he did the most damage out of all of my exes.
Let me do a little back story and tell you about my first three exes before him.
First ex, I’ll say his name is Bob. Well, Bob was innocent. Bob was an angel. Bob never drank, never smoked, never shot up, never etcetera. Well we met on Warcraft III. We started talking a lot in late 2006. By 2007 I would say we were great buds. Able to be there for each other because we knew each other so deeply, and on such an intimate level. We had never talked about our sexual orientations yet, and that’s when I decided to bring it up. I told him, “I’m gay.†And his response was: “I know.†As to what happened after was him telling me how he was bi-sexual and didn’t know which way he leaned more. But knew that he had some type of connection with me. (Remember: this is early 2007.) By mid-2007 we had declared ourselves in a relationship. We started talking a lot more. Either on the phone or on the computer via MSN. Either way, we talked. A lot. Around July 2007 we got this idea that we should meet. He wanted to get away from his house, so I went and talked to my mom. Asked her if it would be alright if I had a guest come and see me. I told her that his mom would be calling at <time> and told her to talk to her and get to know the parents. Fast-forwarding a little bit to August, the week he was here. (Oh, and by the way, they agreed to let him come down.) The first day he was here we got him squared away in my little 10x11 room. Got his Xbox 360 hooked up, got his suitcase put in the corner because I didn’t have much space in my cramped room. Well, that week was really fun. And really depressing. Because first dad walked in on him and I kissing. And I got the “I don’t even know who you are†look. And mom. Oh gosh. Mom had fun. Mom got to lecture me for an hour about the consequences of what I had done, the consequences of being homosexual and that it was not to be done, ever again, under her roof. Blah blah blah. The next day was very hard for him and I - because we had such great chemistry. We got through the week. When we took him back to the airport, mom saw the hickey’s I gave him. Mom asked about it on the way home. I told her a lie. And I lied to her about the whole ordeal. Fast-forwarding to late September 2007, we break up. Because I know that he was lying to me. I kept asking if he was drinking, smoking, etc. Because his typing would be random and erratic. I had to ask a friend in common what was going on. She told me what I didn’t want to know. But was glad to know. (tl;dr he was an alcoholic.)
To conclude his existence in my life, a few weeks ago he had posted on his Facebook (I know. Foolish me for adding him, for still talking to him, etc etc.) that his GIRLFRIEND was the best thing to ever happen to him. Well, I’m sorry sweetheart. He told me that first. Guess that’s his line to get into peoples’ pants.
It’s ex number two time! Ex number two, I will have to call Blake. Well Blake was sweet. Kind, gentle. He was also British which adds a lot. But the one thing he wasn’t, was honest. He lied about many things. He ultimately just wanted to be with me because he wanted the “In A Relationship†garbage on his profiles. He was just a jerk. Ergo, he didn’t really do much damage.
Onwards to ex number three who will be named Jim. He and I met through happenstance. A friend of a friend. Jim was looking for web-development help and our friend in-common liked my work and recommended me to him. It met with many-a-long nights of arguing about what code to use, how to code, how to organize, etc etc etc! Well a few months after that, I ask him if he’s ever been curious. He said no, so I linked him a few websites to see if he would be aroused by it. Surprise, he is. And he goes into a complete confusion. He doesn’t know who he is anymore. And this is where my good natured personality comes in and helps him out of his funk. He and I start dating. And it goes dry. We try this several times, with the third time he and I stopped talking for a few months. We try talking again and it’s a success. He tells me that he was in an accident and needed pain medication to be able to sleep. I told him OK and that I will help him detox if he gets addicted. He gets addicted. I help him through detox and he and I are beginning intimacy again. I then decide it’s time to get checked out (HIV from the first relationship) because he would’ve been moving out here within the next 6 months to a year. I go to the clinic and find out I’m HIV- (*phew*) and he and I get on great. He didn’t expect me to be positive, but I needed the reassurance. He and I break up again, and once again, stop talking. This goes on for about three months when I come crawling back telling him I’m sorry and that I made a few mistakes. This time, he tells me that he’s been getting high. And at this point, I didn’t know who he was anymore. And that I didn’t want to talk to him anymore. Period. And that ends that. Though he kept at it. Harassing me. So I told him that if he continues I would file a restraining order and put him in jail if he contacted me again.
And now back to the present.
The now-ex had said some pretty hurtful things at the end of December on a friend in-common’s Facebook page. At that point I hated him. I didn’t trust him and didn’t want to talk to him. Well after that, around 3AM he would call sometimes. Every other week. One day I answered. He was bawling his eyes out, saying that he was sorry and that he should’ve treated me better. And that’s when I started forgiving him. That’s when he and I started talking again. And that was his second chance. And I let him know that it was his second chance. He understood. This was early January. A month after we started talking again we started getting intimate. Again. Well, you know how that goes - you start falling for them. Hard.
Only this time, I felt just as I did before. It took me awhile to say “I love you.†This time, he had to earn my trust back. He had to earn everything back. By the second week of February, he had earned it all back. And by Valentine’s Day we had decided to go steady again. And agreed that Valentine’s Day would be our anniversary. Well, Monday was our 1-month and something changed in him. He had an attitude that night. And he made me feel like crap. I was pissed off again. And tonight he and I talked like nothing had happened. And at that moment I knew. I knew we had to break up. And now I’m depressed again, but I’m giving him the option to remain friends. I know I shouldn’t do that, but I’m going to.
It’s time for me to move on. Time to forgive, to let go.
Quote:There are other fish in the sea
Is a good analogy if you actually want to believe them. But if you can go on with your life with believing that, then this blog just isn’t for you. And I suggest you best leave because there isn’t anything I’ll say that will make you agree with me - because you’re already under the delusion that you’ll find someone by blind hope.
You’re probably wondering why I’m putting this here, when I should go cry about it in a corner, write some emo music, pull out my piano and start the melody then put it on youtube for other emo kids to slit their wrists to. I’m putting this here because I want to. Because I need to vent. Because I can’t write one of those emo songs because the inspiration isn’t there.
I met him last year. Around September 2010. I didn’t trust him at first. But we started talking. He didn’t like the fact that I played World of Warcraft. A lot. I didn’t like the fact that he’s a macfag. I put it aside though. Along with the fact that he disliked my WoW playing. And continued talking to him. Eventually we started getting intimate. Little fits of flirtation, fits of rage because one of us said the wrong thing. And then one day, I asked him out and he declined.
Quote:I don’t know you very well, and you don’t know me very well.
That was the excuse. And as true as it was, I responded with “Well that’s the point of a relationship. To learn more about the other even more deeply. More intimately.â€Â
What I should’ve said was, “I’m desperate.â€Â
And we went along with this charade for a pretty good amount of time. We did really good together until one of us pointed out a flaw or other mistake we made. But what stuck with me the most was that I never pointed out his flaws or mistakes. I flirtatiously joked with him about his. But he was genuine with his deliveries. He meant that I couldn’t sing. He meant that I should be a macfag. He meant that I was stupid. He meant that I didn’t know what I was talking about. But once again, my desperation ailed me. Made me put it aside and continue on. Like the housewife with the abusive husband that didn’t need refused to admit she was being abused, whether emotionally or physically, by her husband. And then we hit late October, early November. I had finally had enough. I had finally decided that I’ve had enough of his emotional abuse and told him that it was over. That I was done. He curtly put on my Facebook:
Quote: I’m actually glad we did
Because we never talk
And when we do we never agree
So goodbye then,
I guess unless you want to be friends or whatever
Well this is where I got furious. This is where I lost it. The emotion he showed after I told him it was over, was happiness. Was glad it was over. And that pissed me off the most. He put me through emotional hell for the better of two months and he did the most damage out of all of my exes.
Let me do a little back story and tell you about my first three exes before him.
First ex, I’ll say his name is Bob. Well, Bob was innocent. Bob was an angel. Bob never drank, never smoked, never shot up, never etcetera. Well we met on Warcraft III. We started talking a lot in late 2006. By 2007 I would say we were great buds. Able to be there for each other because we knew each other so deeply, and on such an intimate level. We had never talked about our sexual orientations yet, and that’s when I decided to bring it up. I told him, “I’m gay.†And his response was: “I know.†As to what happened after was him telling me how he was bi-sexual and didn’t know which way he leaned more. But knew that he had some type of connection with me. (Remember: this is early 2007.) By mid-2007 we had declared ourselves in a relationship. We started talking a lot more. Either on the phone or on the computer via MSN. Either way, we talked. A lot. Around July 2007 we got this idea that we should meet. He wanted to get away from his house, so I went and talked to my mom. Asked her if it would be alright if I had a guest come and see me. I told her that his mom would be calling at <time> and told her to talk to her and get to know the parents. Fast-forwarding a little bit to August, the week he was here. (Oh, and by the way, they agreed to let him come down.) The first day he was here we got him squared away in my little 10x11 room. Got his Xbox 360 hooked up, got his suitcase put in the corner because I didn’t have much space in my cramped room. Well, that week was really fun. And really depressing. Because first dad walked in on him and I kissing. And I got the “I don’t even know who you are†look. And mom. Oh gosh. Mom had fun. Mom got to lecture me for an hour about the consequences of what I had done, the consequences of being homosexual and that it was not to be done, ever again, under her roof. Blah blah blah. The next day was very hard for him and I - because we had such great chemistry. We got through the week. When we took him back to the airport, mom saw the hickey’s I gave him. Mom asked about it on the way home. I told her a lie. And I lied to her about the whole ordeal. Fast-forwarding to late September 2007, we break up. Because I know that he was lying to me. I kept asking if he was drinking, smoking, etc. Because his typing would be random and erratic. I had to ask a friend in common what was going on. She told me what I didn’t want to know. But was glad to know. (tl;dr he was an alcoholic.)
To conclude his existence in my life, a few weeks ago he had posted on his Facebook (I know. Foolish me for adding him, for still talking to him, etc etc.) that his GIRLFRIEND was the best thing to ever happen to him. Well, I’m sorry sweetheart. He told me that first. Guess that’s his line to get into peoples’ pants.
It’s ex number two time! Ex number two, I will have to call Blake. Well Blake was sweet. Kind, gentle. He was also British which adds a lot. But the one thing he wasn’t, was honest. He lied about many things. He ultimately just wanted to be with me because he wanted the “In A Relationship†garbage on his profiles. He was just a jerk. Ergo, he didn’t really do much damage.
Onwards to ex number three who will be named Jim. He and I met through happenstance. A friend of a friend. Jim was looking for web-development help and our friend in-common liked my work and recommended me to him. It met with many-a-long nights of arguing about what code to use, how to code, how to organize, etc etc etc! Well a few months after that, I ask him if he’s ever been curious. He said no, so I linked him a few websites to see if he would be aroused by it. Surprise, he is. And he goes into a complete confusion. He doesn’t know who he is anymore. And this is where my good natured personality comes in and helps him out of his funk. He and I start dating. And it goes dry. We try this several times, with the third time he and I stopped talking for a few months. We try talking again and it’s a success. He tells me that he was in an accident and needed pain medication to be able to sleep. I told him OK and that I will help him detox if he gets addicted. He gets addicted. I help him through detox and he and I are beginning intimacy again. I then decide it’s time to get checked out (HIV from the first relationship) because he would’ve been moving out here within the next 6 months to a year. I go to the clinic and find out I’m HIV- (*phew*) and he and I get on great. He didn’t expect me to be positive, but I needed the reassurance. He and I break up again, and once again, stop talking. This goes on for about three months when I come crawling back telling him I’m sorry and that I made a few mistakes. This time, he tells me that he’s been getting high. And at this point, I didn’t know who he was anymore. And that I didn’t want to talk to him anymore. Period. And that ends that. Though he kept at it. Harassing me. So I told him that if he continues I would file a restraining order and put him in jail if he contacted me again.
And now back to the present.
The now-ex had said some pretty hurtful things at the end of December on a friend in-common’s Facebook page. At that point I hated him. I didn’t trust him and didn’t want to talk to him. Well after that, around 3AM he would call sometimes. Every other week. One day I answered. He was bawling his eyes out, saying that he was sorry and that he should’ve treated me better. And that’s when I started forgiving him. That’s when he and I started talking again. And that was his second chance. And I let him know that it was his second chance. He understood. This was early January. A month after we started talking again we started getting intimate. Again. Well, you know how that goes - you start falling for them. Hard.
Only this time, I felt just as I did before. It took me awhile to say “I love you.†This time, he had to earn my trust back. He had to earn everything back. By the second week of February, he had earned it all back. And by Valentine’s Day we had decided to go steady again. And agreed that Valentine’s Day would be our anniversary. Well, Monday was our 1-month and something changed in him. He had an attitude that night. And he made me feel like crap. I was pissed off again. And tonight he and I talked like nothing had happened. And at that moment I knew. I knew we had to break up. And now I’m depressed again, but I’m giving him the option to remain friends. I know I shouldn’t do that, but I’m going to.
It’s time for me to move on. Time to forgive, to let go.
Quote: I can feel that you’ve mesmerized my heart
I feel so free, I’m alive but I’m breaking out
I won’t give in, cos I’m proud of all my scars
And I can see that I’ve been wasting too much time
![[-]](https://gayspeak.com/images/duende_v3_local/collapse.png)
