Straight man with potent thoughts...

[Undertow]

Hello Everyone, I just wanted to start off by saying this will probably be rather long, and a bit adult-oriented at times, but I will do my best to communicate as effectively as possible, and hopefully I won't bore anyone to death. I wanted to start out by saying that I'm traditionally what most would consider a "straight" guy. Or am I? lol. I seem to have always had a rather colorful side to me however, that enjoys stimulating some rather potent fantasies, and dare I say, they are things I would like to do someday. Sexuality has always been a fairly strong presence in my life, from a very early age I was "experimenting" with friends, I think something like two guy friends and a few females, all on separate occasions. I was too young to have any kind of intercourse, but I certainly didn't lack the desire.

I'm 33 now, weight lifter in great shape, probably what you would consider pretty masculine if you met me on the street. I'm perfectly comfortable around gay people, and have spent a good portion of my time in workplaces and parties etc pretending to be gay for laughs. Unfortunately in my younger years, I was not terribly complimentary about gay people and gay lifestyles, but as I aged I started to become much more open-minded. Let me say however, I was never mean, bashed, or put down anyone (not homosexuals anyway). I even had gay coworkers in my early 20s and on that I was quite fond of. I'm just talking about gay jokes, and not terribly mean ones, but you know those ones that we sometimes let cater to our ignorance knowing we don't really believe it.

Some of you may have an idea where this is going, and to get there faster; yes, I do have some gay fantasies, always have in fact. Its the nature however that have me exploring my mind, and find myself intrigued, and also just slightly wondering if I am bi-sexual. In the heterosexual world I grew up in, I have always, and am always attracted to women, both mentally, emotionally and sexually. So naturally, I've always classified myself as a heterosexual. I was never homophobic, nor afraid to be open and honest (to myself) about the many sensations I feel. Its now that I'm really starting to feel the itch to explore and figure me out, and my first choice of people that I thought might have some valuable insight are in fact, gay or bi men. This could perhaps be somewhat misguided in a social sense, and if that is the case, I apologize for any ignorance I display in any of my perceptions. If you were to base my inner question on this post alone, you might think that it would be easy to simply say; "you seem like you're bi-sexual. cool." and move on, but you see its not that simple.

The problem is, and put in a nutshell; I have some very strong desires to have sex with a man. I want to engage in oral, especially giving, and I want to receive, and give anal. The desire to do this seems straightforward, but then where I can not relate to the concept of being gay, is that I have no desire to kiss, or intimately "cuddle" with a man. I do with a woman though, so that being said, I wonder where exactly I fall on the chart? This isn't like some repressed fear, or homophobic and aggressive way by which to avoid real intimacy, its just a generally authentic lack of interest. I enjoy hugging anyone, man or women, and I mean a real hug, not those uncomfortable football player hugs lol. So I have no conscious anxieties related to this, at least I don't think I do.

I could never see myself being romantically involved with a man, although perhaps breaking the sexual barrier could possibly change that side to me, since I have never really done it. People change on so many levels with time, but even knowing this it seems unlikely. These sexual desires have been with me for a long time, despite never seeing a single man in my life as an object of my attraction. I've certainly said to myself, "wow that is a great looking guy, I bet girls are all over him." but I've never felt a romantic desire toward him. Lately however, and as cliche as I know this will sound, I have been watching gay porn, and wanting to do things that are probably not appropriate to mention here

I still make love to my fiancee regularly, still love, enjoy and feel attracted to her, yet this itch has grown alongside my increasingly willing nature to really look at it. Anyway, I apologize for the self-centered nature of this post, and its verbosity, but I was truly hoping to get many opinions from Gay men in particular about what I'm experiencing, though that isn't to limit women in any fashion, I just thought gay men might be most helpful.

Thank you in advance for reading and responding.

[BYoNexus]

Hi Undertow, welcome to Gayspeak.

It sound to me like you might be bisexual, or maybe just Bi-curious. I can't really tell, since i know where I stand and haven't been in your situation .

Anyways, I hope you find what your looking for here. Also, Congrats on your upcoming marriage!

[jbrowder24]

There's a few options really, one of which being you are what you know you are - curious about a desire (bi-curious) but more drawn to woman. As I've said on here before, I don't believe it's a matter of 100 percent straight, 100 percent gay, 50/50 bi - I believe people run the full spectrum, so being bisexual but leaning more towards woman is an option too. One possibility is that you haven't thought about cuddling etc because you haven't become comfortable with the thought of being bisexual or gay yet, and you're partly in denial. But most likely you are bi, leaning towards women, or simply curious.

Regarding your fiancee, do you think she'd be open to, well, being open at all as you explore, or is that out of the question? Have you talked with her at all about your fantasies? What about a threesome involving another guy (personally threesomes aren't for me, but might be a good way to explore your desire while remaining faithful if she's open to it and you find someone you trust).

If you were single, I'd tell you to take a chance and explore (of course being safe) but being in a relationship while being confused certainly complicates matters. Whatever you decide you are in terms of attractions, it won't change who you are... but it could change whether or not you're happy in your relationship, which only you can decide. Is it worth taking a risk and exploring? Or do you love her enough that simply fantasizing through porn is enough?

[Lonely]

Couldnt agree more with jbrowder24...
i dont think u need to "label urself" as a gay or bi or whatever...
u just take ur time to explore all the possibilities and wait to know where u will find urself
and congrats on ur marriage

[princealbertofb]

My question to you would be, does your fiancée know? What would you be ready to risk in your relationship with her to find out what it's like to have man on man sex? Would you consider a threesome in which your fiancée is involved? Would she allow it?

[princealbertofb]

Admittedly, porn also makes some things look very easy and hopefully healthy and fun... but you have to remember that porn is just that, porn. In real life you have to deal also with real people all of whom may (or may not) have their own issues, fears and personal agendas.

[Undertow]

Hey guys, thank you very much for your replies and the warm welcome. I sincerely appreciate it. I'll start with Jbrowder24's and lonely's points about percentages and labels. It kind of dawned on me to what extent labels are used everywhere, and you're right; no need to label myself. In fact its kind of silly lol. Jbrowder, in regard to being uncomfortable with the idea of being gay or bi, in regards to being open about it that would certainly be true, but as far as my own self worth, or value as a "man" I would actually be comfortable about it. I wouldn't for a second pretend not to have insecurities about it to some extent, perhaps even unconscious ones, I mean many if not most of you have taken the warrior path by coming out so to speak, where as I am just an anon guy on a forum. Kudos to you all, if there was ever an amazing act of courage and "manliness", then gay men and women all over the world have certainly earned the badge.

Princealbertofb, To answer your question, I had 2 threesomes in high school, both times with two girls. At the time, any desire to have gay sex sort of came and went on its own. It was always there, but I had to really think about it and be alone to bring it out. As for my fiance now, we've discussed these kinds of topics and both agree we'd prefer to be monogamous. The strange thing is, and contrary to what I have heard from bisexual friends in the past; I can't seem to mix the two desires together. This could also be something that could possibly change with time, but somehow in my fantasies, I am always on one side or the other, so if I were to indulge it would be alone with a man. Another strange and even contradictory aspect, is that I've allowed my fiance to use a strap-on on me and I loved it. It was small mind you, but we planned on expanding. Its very exciting, but not quite as thrilling as imagining the real thing. We have a very wild and free sex life, pretty much any fantasy goes with the exception of "unpopular" bodily fluids and wastes, although that isn't to judge, its just not for us. I spent a few episodes growing up using objects on myself in the shower, bed etc, starting from a young age, not very often, but consistent.

My fantasies tend to be a bit extreme, but I can tell you that the urge is at times so strong, that I think a few drinks, a strange place, and people I don't know could possibly manifest in real life. For example, my first fantasies initially seemed to be with faceless figures in my mind, just erect men. I would often look at "glory hole" sites and get off on them, focusing more on the cock then the women going down on them. Notice, between the faceless fantasies and the anonymity of the glory hole, there is definitely that inner need to avoid real intimacy, and perhaps that touches on what Jbrowder was saying, but it isn't a fear of judgement, self realization, or an anxiety, as much as the idea that I would be distracted by the person's face. Kind of all deep and Freudian lol. Now however, things are a bit different. My fantasies have opened up to no longer exclude real faces. I often fantasize of being "trained" either from behind or orally, or both. One after another in a frenzy of lust. As if I would simply love to be cummed in, on, and to swallow over and over until I simply lost interest or got off. Not that it would be the healthiest thing in the world, but you know how a fantasy is so safe, and perfect. If the conditions were right, I think I would consider it.

None of this frightens me in any way mind you, its more that I am fascinated, but admittedly perplexed by my own mental functions. It is all purely sexual, not to be shallow, but somehow that is where it falls.

This is helping me, I thank you all again.

[princealbertofb]

I see where you are coming from with the name Undertow... it's there and it's powerful, that urge to try it. You said you are wild and free with your fiancée, so would she allow you to pursue your own fantasies on your own with a man? You'd have to get permission and she'd have to change her mind about monogamy, but would that take part of the fun out of it?
The only reasonable advice I can give right now is to do this exploration safely (to protect both yourself and your fiancée if ever you indulge (whether you tell her or not). So where does that leave you?

[jbrowder24]

You do see to be quite comfortable with the possibility of being gay, so perhaps you aren't in any sort of denial about your attractions. I just know for me, I was throughout high school and the first part of college. And even after the realization, it was a struggle to accept myself that became easier with time. During my denial period, I did have an attraction to something... not quite the same as you and glory holes, but I can see now in my mind how it was my way of being attracted to men without admitting I was attracted to men. But then, glory holes never have appealed to me - I get freaked out not knowing what someone looks like - so perhaps it is just an odd kink you have, the excitement of anonymity? It really is hard to say sometimes, all we can do is offer perspective from our own experiences and hope you find something to relate to, but exploring yourself is the best option.

One thought - have you ever tried watching much for gay movies, as in not porn but ones that might show a relationship? I still need to catch up on some myself but know that movies like Trick, Beautiful Thing, etc really helped me when figuring out who I was.

[Mark]

You seem to... NEED to try things out and experiment, it seems to be something that you can't get over or simply put out of your mind until you actually do it. I mean you could try it all and find out you don't like it or want to do it again - which would be the easy answer for this question ! I personally don't think you are 'gay' I just think theres a part of you that is very curious and that curiosity is just growing more and more.

It also isn't unusual for some guys not to want to be romantically intimate - like cuddling etc, but still want to be with guys for sexual purposes, I think even though yes we have advanced on the whole subject of homosexuality, some people still see it as not normal in some aspects? And just can't imagine themselves with a guy in that way. Again if you did get the chance to experiment this may be something that does change.