It's a little complicated..

[AttackOfTheMark]

So, my partner and I are in a bit of a dilemma. In advance, I'm sorry for the post length!

So, my BF's name is Tom, he's 31 and is a little on the heavy side. He's lost a lot of weight and is a little insecure with himself physically, but if you get him started he just goes off, haha. I'm Mark, 20, and I have selective hearing. LOL.

So, Tom and I have been together for a little over 5 months. We started things way too quickly, but we both just want to be there for each other in every way, so we've been trying to compromise on ways to make that work. First, we tried to just spend every waking moment together, but obviously that is.. not ideal. xD Now we're trying an "open relationship" in which either of us can fool around (safely!) with whomever. Now, I find this to be a great deal, but maybe my age contributes more to the openness of the idea than anything. To me, having someone I can come home to and know I can just relax with and give my entire heart to is what I want, but I'm young and haven't really had time to experience anything in life on my own.

While we both hoped this would be a great idea, we just recently began trying it out and it isn't at all like we had planned. Being who and how I am, I wanted to meet someone, get to know them, and see if things led to something more. It was much more crude than that, but the man I met only wants a f*ckbuddy relationship, so I was like, "PERFECT!" This guy is genuine, caring, wholehearted, sexy, and enjoys talking, but I couldn't see myself with him as a partner, which was supposed to be the goal.

So, Tom goes to NY with his family and to visit his friends there, and he talks to a few people, blah blah.. Ends up meeting a guy, giving him head and doesn't plan on talking to him anymore or anything. Just a one-time thing with some random guy and he's all set.

So, am I wrong for thinking he should want to establish a connection rather than get his jollies with someone different every time, or is he wrong for thinking I shouldn't want to simultaneously form a friendship and a f*ckbuddy relationship? Or is there some kind of middleground I'm missing that someone can point out?

Thanks in advance for your help!
-Mark

[jbrowder24]

I see your point because how can you trust someone that you don't know? Any one can say they are disease free but if you take the time to know someone, you get to know they're character.

I see his point because in an open relationship, it is your primary relationship that matters and the rest is just fun. If you bring in a friends with benefit, what happens if the dynamic shifts and either your friend decides they do want something more serious, or you start to like your friend more than your partner? Not that either would happen but the potential is there - as well as a higher potential for partner jealousy - when it's a recurring friend situation, as opposed to something random.

I'm afraid I don't have a good answer for you; relationships are complex as it is on their own. But I did want to chime in that neither of you are right or wrong - both points are valid and it's a matter of figuring out what is most important to you and your values.

[jimcrackcorn]

If you want an open relationship, then you and your partner need to establish rules that you can both live with. The rules may need to be adjusted as you get further into this type of relationship, so make room for mistakes along the way.

I would start out with a trial period of 6 months. After that trial period, I'd set down with my partner and access our relationship to see if it has improved, gotten worse, or is still the same. Then make the decision whether we want to continue this open relationship for a longer period of time.

I'm an advocate for monogamous relationships, but I also realize that it just doesn't work for everyone.

My best wishes.

[SleepTalker]

Sorry im pretty bad when it comes to advice about relationships, but the posts above sound good enough to me. I wish you the best.

[Ceruleaan]

I dunno....I think 'open' is a synonym for 'over' for a lot of relationships that go down that road. The problem is if you are looking for something outside the relationships itself, then it indicates that there is some inadequacy within the relationship.

You may argue this point, but logically it follows that if you lack something in one spot, you seek it out somewhere else. So, if you find yourself looking for something else you can rest assured its because there is something missing.

That being said, it obviously works for some people, and as jim said, monogamy isn't for everyone. I also agree with him about setting ground rules. That being said, I think that while its natural for people to have different opinions on any subject, relationships or otherwise, if I were you I'd be asking what his indifference towards hook-ups means about his stance on intimacy and LTR generally... What does his indifference tell you about his views on commitment?

Just my cautionary two cents! Good Luck

Ceru
HUGZzz :biggrin: