Boyfriend Jacking Off To Other Guys

[East]

WOW! I remember that feeling well and it has been so long since I felt it so it must have vanished along the way because it was STRONG when I was young with my first boyfriends. I wish I had a magical answer/solution for you but I can instead speculate in case it will help you at all.....

I remember the day I realized that the things I got mad at with my first boyfriend were all the things I was doing. I got upset when he looked at guys...thought about other guys...and I realized I did the same things and that other guys turned me on and the day I am referring to (I remember I was on my way to the theatre to see Andy Warhol's Dracula and I was drooling at the thought of seeing Joe Dallessandro naked...and he was...and I drooled:biggrin...and I think I was so turned on to Joe and I realized that I was worried that he would be as turned on to other guys as I was to Joe...that was one Eureka moment...

....I mellowed alot after that realization....

Today my philosophy is this...You can never be everything to someone else...and why would you want to be? That would be quite a feat and who needs it?...I think romantics and the works of fiction they have produced have given us all a distorted sense of what love really is and how people in love "should" feel. As hurtful as it might be...if a guy tells you that he only thinks of you and is not attracted to other men...he is probably lying to you or to himself.

If you are ready for it...ask him what guys turn him on...and tell him what guys turn you on. Maybe you can fantasize together?

[azulai]

I think you have two separate issues.
#1-Your relationship is at a crossroads and you need to have a serious and honest dialog with your bf.
I would first evaluate your feelings and your needs. Kind of assess the relationship to see if your checklist is being met and where it is not. Go to a park with a notebook and write it out. Don't just focus on him but look at yourself. Have you changed and maybe need something that is no longer there or now you need more of something? You've said you feel like he's changed, maybe you both haven't grown together.
For example, you've become more insecure. You need him to reassure you. You need to ask him to give you a little TLC right now to get you over this rough spot.

Then, I would have a discussion with the bf. Maybe you've come to the conclusion that the relationship is no longer what you want? If not, then you have issues that you need to work on together. You also need to give him a chance to air his issues and how you can do things better.

Overall, I get the sense from your posts that subconsciously you know things need some work. Don't just let it all be in your mind worrying about it. If the relationship is something you want, then be direct and work on it.

^^^These are just my thoughts and I may be off base, but maybe you can find something useful from them, IDK.

#2-Wow, you really gave me something to think about! My relationship is only 4 months old and well, I just never thought of this issue. So, it's almost like you want mental monogamy as well as physical monogamy, huh?

Is it reasonable to expect total 100% of all your boyfriend's sexual thoughts on you? I'm trying to relate to this and I'm thinking, no. It's like imposing a code of conduct on him on his thoughts. How do you do that? Then what's off limits? porn? I personally think him jerking off to real life acquaintances is kind of ikky, but you can't own someone's mind. And, remember to be fair, this has to apply to you, too. We're sexual beings, and the brain is the bigger sex organ. So, I came to the conclusion that, for me, this would be an unreasonable expectation.

So, then I was wondering what would be some reasons he would mention it to you? I read above, and yeah, maybe he's hinting and wanting an out. That's a very real possibility, I'm sorry to say. If he knows of your insecurities, it is rude and hurtful of him to mention what he's doing. But then I thought, maybe in his mind, the relationship is moving to a place where he feels he can mention it? Maybe he's getting settled in, and doesn't realize your insecurities?

And, well, I'm just curious. Do you guys playfully mention other guys? Do you share porn? I mean, my bf and I kind of joke and stuff about other guys. I sent him this NSFW gif today and the way it was made/frames it looked liked one of the guys was chewing gum, you know, while..., yeah...well, he gets my humor and understands I like to do research. :biggrin: But anyway, why don't you try sending him stuff and the two of you look at it together? Laugh about it? And, with the real life acquaintances, maybe turn it into a joke about which one you find hotter. Or, tell him you can give him someone better to jerk off to... Use this to your advantage.

I hope things settle down for you and everything turns out well for you and your bf.

[SlipknotRlZZ]

azulai is right, it's two different things. In any relationship neither of the partners should feel jealous of the other one watching porn or looking at guys, it's something...normal, Imean, you can't just shut your eyes for everyone else even when you have a perfect boyfriend. Sometimes when you take notice of other guys' bodies and stuff it gives you ideas about what you want to do with that perfect guy next to you, and strengthen your desire for him...

Thing is, you say your bf jacks off to thoughts of friends and acquaintances? Well, that's...a little too much...Be careful but don't get too mistrustful, just keep in mind he might be trying to end your relationship but is still not quite sure as to how to do it and whether he really should. Your sex life is good, right? I mean, even if it is, try new things, something you think he might like, explore things in such a way that you can see whether he really does still love you the way he used to. Again, don't be too conspicious and mistrustful.

Good luck :]
Ry

[Crs30]

Actually, your and my situations are somewhat similar. My bf and I have been together for about a year and a half now. I'm aware of the fact that I have a low-ish self-esteem, so I'm doing a few things about it (going to the gym, doing invisalign, as well as staying away from things that perpetuate superficial ideas), and my bf talks to me about guys. We live far apart, so when we do get the chance to be together, it hurts me that he wants to talk about other guys (lending to my low self-esteem). I've told him several times to knock it off. I've asked nicely, gotten mad, gotten sad, ignored him when he tells me about other guys... nothing seems to work. He says me asking him to not talk about other guys is censoring him, but I think he should be willing to not say a few things he knows hurt my feelings. So we're at an unresolved disagreement there. Anyway.

I think it comes down to me. I have to accept myself. I also have to accept that I can't change him, and probably not his behaviors.

[marshlander]

My partner and I are hundreds of miles apart, often for weeks at a time. He is a great advocate of keeping the plumbing in order through a daily workout and for his support and understanding I am grateful. Whatever happens in our heads is our business. If one chooses to tell, the other can also find it a source of inspiration. Nothing that happens in those weeks apart diminishes the quality of the experience when we are together. I cannot imagine being with a more caring, unselfish lover than him and I have no reason to feel insecure. Ours has been a monogamous relationship for several years and that is the choice of each of us individually.

Unless the intention is to drive a wedge through the relationship one just has to let go of some things.

Best wishes.

[Untraceable726]

it sounds to me he wants to break up but wants you to do it because he cant or wont....in the past when a break happens in a relationship (at least for me) it never turns out good.... my ex and i took a break and well that's why he is my ex now. i was all emotional and hurt because i saw our relationship of over 2.5 years crumbling and all he did was run off with my (best friend at the time) and sleep with him over and over and over again ( i later found out)....so when a week or so past we had a long talk about our relationship and i thought things were looking good till i saw him leave his computer open and said best friend sent him a message saying "man you are f$%^ing amazing in bed and a damn good kisser, i cant wait till you dump the loser and move in with me".....yeah....take a wild guess and what happened next (i kicked his ass out and that was that.) but to make a long story short....make a list of pros and cons...and weigh your options there are plenty of other guys out there throw this fish back and see what else you can catch....good luck to ya!