How can I come out to my family?

[andrew777]

I am an 18 year old korean male. I am going off to move into my college dorm in 3 weeks but I really need to get this off my chest. I am really scared for what my parents' reactions would be like. I have no doubt my grandma will be negative about it for a while. I am not that worried about my mom because I have a feeling she will just look at me with a shameful look and tsk tsk at me or something and go on with life but I am worried for my dad. I do not wish to break his heart or my mom or grandma. During the past 2 years or so, my dad always brings up the topic of marriage. Today in the afternoon my dad was talking about going on a cruise as a family in 10 years and he said it would be nice to go as a family after I am married. Everytime I hear my dad bring up marriage, I get nervous and my heart would stop. I can easily tell my dad looks forward to my marriage since I am his oldest son and it breaks my heart to know that he'll never see that day. My brother is the only one who knows I am gay and sometimes he tells me that my dad would give a look of disgust when something "gay" happens on TV. I am really scared and I do not know how much longer I can hide this from my family. Please help me on how to approach my parents without giving them too much shock. Should I tell my mom first and have her tell my dad? Should I confront them both at the same time? I know my mom and dad love me with all their heart. My dad even told me that he loves me so much that it's sickening (not in a gross incest way). If I do end up coming out to my parents then I have to come out to everyone including my friends and future friends that I will make in college which will be a whole other topic for me. I am just scared of the negative outcomes that could occur. Please help me! I would appreciate to see your personal experiences and what you guys to come out to parents similar to mine or not. By the way if you guys did not notice by now, I am not confident about my sexual orientation. I do not like that I am gay but I am so I have to learn to appreciate it yet I am still struggling to accept it. I am a person who is sensitive to what other people might think of me so I am worried of all the negative perceptions people might see in me. I also have many relatives in korea and I have no idea how they will take it when they find out about me because I heard that being gay in Korea was a "taboo" subject and that gays are rare there. Please help me. I have no one to talk to about this since my brother hates gays. None of my friends know I am gay so I am alone in this. I have only the internet to depend on.

[SleepTalker]

Hey try not to stress too much. Im sure if your parents really love you, they will accept you. It might take time but im sure they will come around in the end. Ive only told a few friends that im bi. i told my best friend first. We were texting each other one day after work and somehow we ended up on the topic of me being gay. He was only joking like he always did. I asked him "What if I am gay?" He asked me if I was and I couldnt have lied but i didnt feel like it lying any more. I just told him that Im bi. He kept asking if I was lying because we are constantly joking around. I told him i wasnt lying and he accepted me just like that. He asked me why i hid it for so long and i told him that i didnt want him to change the way he acts around me. We're still best friends today. Its really cool that youre thinking of your family but you also need to think about yourself. You need to think about what makes you happy. Dont be ashamed of who you are. Hold you head up and ignore the ignorant comments some people may have. You cant please everyone. Just be yourself. If you need any more advice you know where to find it.

[Sil]

From my experience there's never really a right way to come out to your family, but anything you do will take a lot of courage, and you'll be proud of yourself for it. It's awkward at first but you'll come to realise after that you feel free, more independent, and even if your parents have trouble with accepting this they will see this is part of you. They love you and want you to be happy; if that's how you achieve it, they will understand

best of luck to ya

[Gabbyboy]

hey andrew, after reading your post it seems to me that you are not ready yet to come out, my suggestion is try to come out after college graduation. and yes wether you like it or not it will hurt your parents but what can they do, you didnt choose to be gay right? i know i hurt my parents when i came out but they got to understand that its your life not theirs. plus you are not in Korea your in the US, consider yourself lucky because there are states there that allow gay marriage, your dad may never see you marry a woman but you can marry the man of your dreams. and dont be afraid of what other say or think what is important is that your happy and your not living a lie.

good luck to you my friend

[mrk2010]

Everyones experience of coming out is different but for me I sat down with my parents and told them about my feelings, luckily they were totally ok with it. Maybe sitting down and talking down with them may work. I hope you the best of luck mile:

[dfiant]

Hi Andrew, and welcome to the site

I would agree with Gabbyboy in say that you don't seem ready to come out yet...it all sounds like you are trying to force yourself to come out unnecissarily.

You need time to figure out who you are and don't worry about what everyone will think because worrying about what everyone else thinks just makes you more confused and worried.

Until you know who you are, just keep these things to yourself, and learn more about yourself until you know the truth about yourself.

If you are close to your brother and talk easily with him, then confide more in him, he will be your best friend in this situation as it seems he already has accepted the possibility that you are gay.

You will know in your heart when the time is right to come out, who to tell and how to tell them...it will just happen, but right now is not the right time for you.

Relax, talk with your brother, chat with any of us here, you will be OK my friend :biggrin:

[andrew777]

Hi Andrew, and welcome to the site

I would agree with Gabbyboy in say that you don't seem ready to come out yet...it all sounds like you are trying to force yourself to come out unnecissarily.

You need time to figure out who you are and don't worry about what everyone will think because worrying about what everyone else thinks just makes you more confused and worried.

Until you know who you are, just keep these things to yourself, and learn more about yourself until you know the truth about yourself.

If you are close to your brother and talk easily with him, then confide more in him, he will be your best friend in this situation as it seems he already has accepted the possibility that you are gay.

You will know in your heart when the time is right to come out, who to tell and how to tell them...it will just happen, but right now is not the right time for you.

Relax, talk with your brother, chat with any of us here, you will be OK my friend :biggrin:

Unfortunately my brother despises gay people and hates me because I am gay. So he is no help for me. I am thinking of waiting a little until I am in college for a bit but I'm thinking of coming out to my best friend who has been my friend for the past 2 years. She is fine with gay people and I know she has some male gay friends herself so that's why I think she is the person I should come out to first. Also I know I am gay. I have accepted that I am gay but I am just scared of revealing it to the world. I have read, seen, and heard about abuse and discrimination gay people go through and it frightens me. I don't want to go through life dealing with dirty looks, abuse, and other discriminatory behaviors. I really need someone to talk to and help me get through this. I don't know how I will keep this up in college.

[andrew777]

I just came out to my best friend. She is the first person I came out to so far. It was really hard but I found courage to do it. She was sort of surprised at first but she accepted me for who I am and I love her so much. Thank you guys for all the help. If it wasn't for this forum I would probably still be in the closet struggling to accept who I am. Coincidentally, one of my roommates happen to be gay so I am so happy that I won't be alone. I am slowly going to come out to my trusted friends and probably my gay roommate later on but I'm going to hide it from my parents a little longer.

[Gpbi]

Congrats mate!!! Thats reallyyyy good news!

[SleepTalker]

Congratz Andrew! Im so happy for you! :biggrin: