what the hell am I not understanding?

[musicman2229]

So I read these threads on here about how some guy appears to hit on some other guy, people offer their advice, and the two of them are off to the races. I'm so utterly frustrated with myself right now, because there must be a major disconnect between what I'm observing and what I'm doing with regard to meeting guys. I'm really, really good at making casual friends. I've got casual friends to spare. But I never seem to be able to bring things around to sex or relationships fast enough to maintain anybody's interest. There is one person who I talk about this sort of thing with in real life, and it took me four years of hanging out around him for me to feel comfortable enough to start talking about it with him. When I think about this, I worry I am doomed to never be more than good friends with anyone. Tonight I was at a party, and I had at least three very attractive guys checking me out, and as usual, I totally locked up, and they moved on to less awkward pastures. I'm a driven, relatively attractive, talented guy, and I feel like I should be able to figure out how to do this. When I go through the very large list of complex tasks I have figured out and achieved, it annoys me that something so primitive as sex, something so easy that cro magnon's could figure it out, completely fluxes and eludes me. Those of you who frequent this site know that this has been frustrating me for a while, and I guess I just needed to vent my frustration on some sympathetic ears. Thanks for listening.

[OrphanPip]

I wish I could help music, I'm no casanova, but i've had a small handful of flings and one long relationship. I've never been good at making moves, usually others initiate things. What you might want to try is something like a speed dating thing, where the kind of awkwardness of establishing whether someone might be interested in you is more out in the open. The queer student group at McGill used to do one once a year. Maybe there are some around where you are.

[DRW]

When I was your age, I would find myself in those situations all the time. What you have to do is just take charge of the situation. Know what you want, and what you want to do. You have to get over being shy, because closed mouths don't get fed!

Now if it's just sex, it depends on the guy. Some are aggressive, and others are submissive. You can't always tell who is what up front, but if you engage in conversation, you can learn a lot about a person.

So try to open up a little more. You never know what may happen.

I met my fiance at work almost 3 years ago. Had no idea he was gay, and he had no idea I was either. To make a long story short, we would have never even taken it to that level with each other if a mutual friend had not been dead set on us getting together. He knew about both of us, but elected to keep quiet. We both have a great deal of respect for him because of that. He felt it was not his place to discuss our personal business. But my point is that I was really into him, and almost let the best thing to ever happen to me slip right through my fingers because I didn't go after what I wanted. Not saying it's always a good thing to go after what you want. Come on to a straight guy and it could spell trouble!

But what you are experiencing is normal. Many gay guys also expect you to read their minds. You'll get the hang of it! Good luck!

[marshlander]

Obvious question, but do you go where the gay boys go? I don't just mean bars and clubs, but how about gay social groups too? At least that filters out the straights and you can start meeting people on a level playing field.

I met my partner on a gay discussion forum a bit like this one and we are still together many years later. We started off as pen/keyboard friends for several months before we ever met.

[SlipknotRlZZ]

I'm the same! Totally! But then something clicked in me...and I was like, WHY do I totally freeze in such situations? Because I care about what the person or the other people will think of me, especially if I screw up. And suddenly I was like why the fuck do I care, I may never see those people again, and besides - imma do what I feel like doing. If the person/people don't like it, then they will move on and I will move on too. Until I meet someone who will like me for everything I am. So, if this is the problem with you tooo...just try understanding this and...getting your mind to accept it - what people would think of who you are does not matter as long as you know that you are awesome and as long as you are enjoying yourself; those people aren't worth your time if they won't accept you for all your freaky bits. And I know that this is something everyone knows and it sounds really simple, but sometimes if you really think about it you may find out that it's not what you live by. Hope I've helped. :redface:

[azulai]

I agree with SlipknotRlZZ!
You have to put yourself out there and don't be held back by worries of what anyone else thinks of you.

For me, it was a little about pride and not wanting to appear foolish. But, then just like Slipknot said, I just said, WTF and decided to have some fun.

[ZackT]

I think the reason this sort of thing is more challenging is because it requires LESS thought. At least, less thought than you're giving it. I think you and I have something in common, we analyze things alot, and we use our heads alot. For me, relationships and 1 night stands and dating has always been challenging to get started because I'm constantly trying to interpret every little thing about the other person. Trying to figure out what message they're sending by the way they're standing, if they actually are considering me or just talking, what sort of stuff I should talk about to keep them interested, would they prefer to go back to my place or theirs? etc etc etc

It's hard to get past that. Some people will say to just voice some questions and be up front and clear, but that's easier said than done. It's also possible to try and work on relaxing yourself, practicing talking and pushing the envelope just a little bit further with your casual friends.

I too don't have many friends who I feel comfortable talking about sex or relationships with, and the ones I do have took a long time to get there. But it doesn't have to take months or years to reach that point. If you feel interested in someone, try to lightheartedly and casually bring up something sexual and see how they take it. Sex is a pretty interesting topic and most people seem to like to talk about it. It won't always work, maybe they'll change the subject real fast or something, but that can help you break past the casual friend zone.

[ManicReptile21]

When i encounter complex situations i put myself in the shoes of a video game charater with a single health point left against a dungeon boss with a single health point. Like a standoff and the first to strike wins. I dont think about it and do everything that comes to mind. if i die i die. Its only a game in the end. and with a mind like yours im sure you have a few CHEAT CODES.

my metaphors are obscure, hopefully they help you.