Dooooomed! To never have a *real* boyfriend/partner, ever?

[Drew]

Hey guys, I really like this website and you're all a pretty smart group. So maybe someone can spare some advice for lil' ol' me? :redface:

Yeah, I'm 29, about to hit the three-oh mark in a month, been out for the past 5 years, and have never, ever had a boyfriend. Like, a real one. The longest I've ever gone out with someone is perhaps a month/month-and-a-half, the longest. Suffice to say, I don't know what being "in love" feels like. I wish I knew.

My primary mode for talking to guys for dates is via online dating, but I feel I've wasted a ton of time, money, and energy on those site. If you can name it, I've probably used it or have a profile on it: Match, Chemistry, Okcupid, etc. I can score a date now and again on them, but they mostly end up one-and-dones. I'm not sure why - sometimes a guy can seem really cool and awesome online but when I sit down with them, boom, no (romantic) chemistry (some guys I've met actually are really cool, just not enough to spark that certain-something).

I used to do the occasional hook-up on Adam4Adam and the like, but not so much anymore - they're fun, but I felt like the experiences weren't as good as they could have been (i.e. being with someone who loves me passionately and I him as well).

I only go to gay bars/clubs occasionally, and usually only with friends to socialize and such. It's often said that bars are generally not the best places to meet someone, and I tend to agree with that sentiment.

I do occasionally do "gay" specific, more low key activities. There's a Pride Hikers club that hikes a trail once a month that I go to when I can. They're a fun group and it's a good way to get exercise, but - I'm almost always the youngest guy there. By like at least 15-20 years. I'm not saying I wouldn't go out with someone who's a *little* bit older, say 36-37 as an upper limit. But I'd prefer someone who's in the same spot in his life as I am. I think that's reasonable.

I think part of it is my interests, as they are, tend to be more solitary. I like learning bass guitar, but I'm a nube and just mostly practicing/noodling around at home when I play. I'm working on a series of graphic novels that I'd like to one day get off the ground, so I'm constantly writing down ideas and looking for inspiration, whether from tv show on Netflix or a movie or something read online. I've thought about taking a creative writing course, maybe it'll get me a chance to meet a new circle of people or something. Not sure how many gay boys I'll meet that way. I have some other interests (Buddhism/meditation, playing puzzle games on my DS, reading, etc) but as you can see still sort of solitary.

I just don't know, guys. Everyone (and I mean *everyone*) says I should have no problems finding a boyfriend. I take care of myself, try to dress well, go to the gym, etc. I have a professional degree and a good job. I've been told I'm a relatively good looking guy with different interests and can fit into a lot of different scenes and cliques because of them. I honestly don't know what I'm doing wrong. Maybe my standards are too high, but on paper I don't think so (wanted: relatively cute guy, age 25-35, sweet but self-assured, good sense of humor, and has direction in life....that's pretty much it).

So.....what's a fellow to do? (Sorry for the verbosity of this post! Kinda spilling my guts a bit here)

[Drew]

Just for added effect to the title of this post:




(Yay got it to work....finally!)

[LateBloomer]

You're not doing anything wrong.

It's just tough.

And don't knock yourself, some of us are older than you and still lack the experience of a LTR. My longest was 3 months.

Eh, anyway, soon you'll learn what every single woman knows: All the good ones are married--or gay.

:biggrin:

Hang in there.

[Inchante]

Hey, one thing I would say that you might try is instead of the one date thing with the "cool but no click guys" you describe in your post is, to try a couple more dates after that. It is not always easy to get to know a person. Actually, we all tend to put up big walls of protection around ourselves. One thing I can tell you is that love doesn't just happen. It is cultivated. Trying a few more dates with some of these guys might not find you love, but it wont hurt your chances either.

Best of Luck. Heavens knows your not alone in being single here.

[fredv3b]

Have you considered looking for a gay social group that's more in your age range?


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Braz]

Hey Drew, ive had some problems with meeting guys mainly coz they dont live where i am or something, but ive meet them all online. Ive seen guys in my area that i think are my type or maybe gay, but to shy to ask. Them dating sites are not really the best way to meet someone, it can happen for people to meet there right love of there life and be happy forever. Ive tryed gay clubs, but thats not the best way to meet someone as you cant really get to know someone or have a date with them like that. Im sure you will find a boyfriend as it doesnt matter how old you are, its all about how you are. mile:

[Drew]

Have you considered looking for a gay social group that's more in your age range?

Believe me, if there were any around here, I would. It's not like Pride Hikers caters specifically to older gay men, it's for everyone. It just seems like any group around here only attracts older guys. I'd have to go to NYC to find something more tailored for me, but that gets expensive and is time consuming to have to travel back and forth. I'd rather find something a bit closer.

[pellaz]

are you sure you want a relationship; they are a lot of work where often you have to put priorities of the relationship forward and your needs second. a hard thing for you to do and to do it in sync with another boy is even more difficult. so you might look for a man that can do this with you, all the time and has a history showing loyalty, trusted.


dont concentrate so much on someone with the same exact interests as you. concentrate on what they might do well, you dont. they can bring something to the table? love doing what the partner is doing because you can hold his hand and just be near him, seem him smile.

open up your age limits a bit on either ends, seems 10years could work.

you dont have to have a partner to enjoy life.
granted you can do a lot more in life with the right person but if you wind up with the wrong one its very limited too. there are not a lot of gay men in the population and the gaydar is not a strong signal so patience. look in the most un expected areas. would you run with a married person if he told you he was gay and was divorcing his wife to clean up his life. my partner did. so i guess its all a leap of faith.

[marshlander]

It sounds like you are doing all the right things, Drew. Now I guess you just need serendipity to play a part. Coming here might not be a bad move, either. A few folks here have developed online friendships one or two of which seem to have gone a little further than that. I met my partner through an online gay discussion forum. We liked the way each other wrote, so we wrote to each other as well as the forum. Anything's possible.

A word from one musician to another, though. You say you want to meet other people and yet you took up bass guitar? Hmmm

Good luck anyway.

[Drew]

A word from one musician to another, though. You say you want to meet other people and yet you took up bass guitar? Hmmm

Good luck anyway.

Hey!

1) Bass is awesome and fun to play. I've always wanted to since high school and now I can. I have a Schecter Custom-4 and a Fender Jazz. Both ma'babies. Don't knock bass! It provides harmonic and rhythmic foundation in most popular music.

2) Didn't take it up to meet people, more out of self-interest. Again, since high school. :tongue: