I don't know what to do when it comes to my guy friend?

[voyager171]

I have a friend that has been conflicting to me and I don't know what to do. He has looked at other guys and one time he did this while at a restaurant. He didn't know him at all and when he kept starring I asked him why he kept starring and he said "That guys hair is amazing." I thought that this was strange that he would say that if it was only the guys hair. Then he will have conversations with co-workers and he will talk about gay situations and so forth. The thing is that I have asked him in the past if he would ever do something sexually with another guy and he said that if he were out of town and there was no way of someone finding out that there would be a 40% chance that he would do so. When I talk with him about it later he says that he no longer feels that way. He makes it a point to ask other guys if their gay and as I stated earlier will often say that he suspects someone is gay and he doesn't even know them only where they work and describe what they look like. In a recent situation he told me that he talked with one of his co-workers and that he would get upset when he brought up gay stuff. I asked him if he would ever do something with this guy sexually and he said no he couldn't because he works with him and that it would be awkward. But the thing is that he recently went to a club with this guy that he works with and that he got up and that the guy was completely naked. He told me about it individually and later we met this other guy friend of his and he brought up this guys name and this guy friend said "Oh yeah he's the one that you mentioned about seeing nude and I have already heard about it." The issue here is why would he feel compelled to tell me and this other guy friend about seeing this guy that he went to the club with nude in the hotel if it didn't mean anything to him. Like I have seen nude people at gyms before, and other places and I have never felt the need to mention it to someone else. To me it's not a big deal. And, this same day when it got into the night he mentioned that he would like to do a threesome with him, a girl, and another guy. I told him that I didn't know too many straight people that would prefer that but most would want to do stuff with one or more girls and a guy not the other way around. He mentioned this guy that he works with and that he saw nude would do it. Now it goes from him saying that he would never do anything with this guy because he works with him and that it would be awkward and that he tried to talk with him about gay stuff and then now he finds out that the guy is interested if there's a girl involved. He said that he has tried to do a threesome (him, a girl, and another guy) but that the other guy didn't go through with it all the way. He said that he has always wanted to do it and that if the opportunity presented itself that he would not pass it up for sure. In other words what it sounds like to me is that there is something about having a guy involved in the threesome that makes it worthwhile for him or is a turn-on. When he was with this one girl and I he had mentioned in the past that him wanting to have another guy with him with a girl makes him bisexual. I later asked him about it and he said that he didn't mean what he said. It's like with the previous situation that I mentioned that he said that there would be a 40% chance that he would do something with another guy if he were out of town and there was no way that he could get caught and that there would be no chance of anyone finding out then he later takes it back. And, again this situation is the same when it comes to the threesome thingy. He has also said prior that he would like to do something with a girl with a whole bunch of guys. He has never said that he would want to do something with just him and other girls. I also asked him if he has ever talked with a girl to find out if she would be interested in the threesome or tag team and he said no, but obviously he makes it a point to see if guys are open to it. He will randomly bring up these things all the time and I don't honestly know why he does it and that's why I have tried to ask him questions, and to let him know that I accept him no matter what. I don't understand why he makes statements that he would do stuff with other guys and then take it back, and the same thing about the bisexual thing. I could understand if this was rather recent but it has been going on for almost 4 years now. He will often refer to male celebrities as either cute, hot, or sexy. I ask him if he would do something with them and he will say no because they might have a disease or some other ridiculous reason. I have also visited with his guy friend that he lives with and he will ask me to do stuff with him and even expose himself and then say he's just joking and it has happened on numerous occasions. He has had two girlfriends in the past and he shows no emotion or intimacy with them. When he has lived with them when the girlfriend tries to get close or want to cuddle he won't do so and will go to the guy that also lives with him and start sitting close to him and say that he is going to sleep with this guy. Of course this makes the girl upset and then he does it because he says that he wants them to move out and only have a guy live with him. He mentions that he has all these girls that like him and think he's Prince Charming and he will talk with them by texting them on his cell phone but he doesn't seem to make a point of making a date or anything of the sort. He also states that he doesn't like living with a girl because they always want to know what he's doing and where he is. He states that he would rather hand out with the guys then to be with his girlfriend. These two girlfriends have nothing to do with him and they have in the past made statements such as what is your guy friend your "girlfriend? Which suggests obviously they have some point that their trying to make. Lastly he does have people that even don't know him and some that do and they will come up and ask him if he's gay and this has consisted of a bunch of people. I would like to get your take on all of this and it has been going on now for more than 3 years. I don't understand why he keeps contradicting himself on his sexuality? Why he brings all these random things up to me which quite honestly consists of 99.9% of the time I hang out with him. He knows that I am gay and all. He will even say that just because I do something with another guy doesn't mean I'm gay. And, he will often bring up some hot celebrity or some guy that he has spotted at work like a customer or something and describe how they look and that I would be interested in them. I have stated to him that it is he who must be interested and he will say that the reason why he mentions it is because I'm gay, but obviously it has nothing to do with my sexual orientation, but that he is interested or takes notice of the guy and is trying to make it look like he is only doing it because of me which I don't buy. He will also rate guys and I will mention that such and such guy is hot and that I would do something with them and he will say that he will meet me half way and mention some guys name. He has also asked me how it was about me coming out. And he will say, "If I were gay not saying I am that his family or friends wouldn't be accepting." Most importantly when he mentioned that this one male celebrity is HHHHOOOOTTTT when I asked him if he would do something with him he will make a lame excuse no because he might have a disease or if I ask him about a specific guy that he knows he will say well the guy isn't that hot, and.pr that it would be awkward. He never just says no. So what I am looking for is some feedback, opinions, and views on what you make of all of this, why you think he is mentioning these random things to me, and what I should do about it. I as you can see have tried to talk with him about it but he says one thing and then it winds up being another. I really would appreciate all viewpoints as there might be something that I am missing and others could give insight. I know that this is a long post and I just want to do the right thing and perhaps others have had similar experiences with other friends. Thank you.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

First, not to be mean, but for ease of reading, paragraphs are our friend. I stopped midway through your post because my eyes started crossing. Started again, got cross eyes... I confess I may have missed a few sentences in there.

Secondly, this guy sounds at best 'confused' if not just a player who enjoys teasing. This sort of wishy washing back and forth kind of thing is usually an all around bad situation. His going back and forth means he is not going to commit to a relationship. So if that is what you are looking for, he is not the one.

If you know and are open about being gay or bi, again he is not the one for you. An open gay with a closeted gay who is not were ready to come out usually ends badly.

What you need to do is sit some clear boundaries, and make it clear to him that you want direct solid answers, not wishy washy answers, or answers he thinks you want to hear.

This may also be a lack of ability for him to commit. This could be the expression of a much larger commitment issue which I have no idea how to fix that, Lord knows I have tried to fixed people with commitment issues.

Lastly. Welcome GaySpeak

[voyager171]

I appreciate your feedback but I'm not looking to have a relationship with this guy friend. And sorry next time I'll make sure to use paragraphs.

I guess what I am trying to get from other members is why he makes a statement and then later tries to take it back and it goes back and forth? What others interpret from all of this and what I should do because it is getting aggravating that he keeps doing this to me and it's like he isn't being honest with me which sometimes I question whether he really is a friend at all?

I don't expect him to have to admit his sexuality necessarily but it's frustrating the he seems to say one thing and then another and it goes back and forth. This has been going on for more than 3 years and it has come to the point where I need other people's input and what's going on and what they think because I am losing patience and I just want to get some help with it. Any feedback, opinions, and views would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

He's gay/Not gay - hes trying to get you to make that choice for him??? IDK

He's 'confused'??? IDK
Ultimately none of us can know what is going through his head.

Still you need to set boundaries. If you are not interested tell him 'Look, stop playing these games. I don't care what you are, just be yourself'.

Try this old formula:

"I feel__________________ when you _____________________" Fill in the blanks.

"I feel frustrated when you say you want to see X nude one day then say you don't the next day"

IF it was me I would pull him a side and say "Look, for the past three years you have been playing mind games. Decide what it is you want, until then just don't talk about it."

I am a patient man, but trust me this sort of game playing for three years would cause me to make it clear I have had enough.

Draw your line the way you need to when you have had enough.

[pellaz]

this is a good time, ever so better than 10 years ago, to be gay; in that there is more acceptance. That being said you still have to exemplify average reasonable behavior. your friend is in denial for 3 years; is this a life long plan for ignorance?

I am reaffirming Bowyn Aerrow's plan, that you develop some sort of mantra and consistently use it. Your friend knows your responses and plays you into distraction. Ignore him and have a known response. No need to not tell him what you are doing, just have a consistent response.

No one between the ages 18 < years < 44 really cares if a person is gay bi or straight. On the other hand people will play an individual who is not definitive on the issue because it makes them uncomfortable. Its important your friend discovers who he is.

[jbd555]

I too agree with Bowyn A. I was in a similar situation only I was in the closet at the time and my friend was "feeling" me out. We did (almost) everything together short of sexual and had many many discussions about our feelings for women and the opposite sex. During this period I came out.... he never did. I moved away so I'm not too sure of what happened to him.
What I'm trying to say is your friend is probably hesitant about coming out (if he is gay) or he may just be curious. Some metros are like that. He could be teasing you and getting some sort of morbid satisfaction out of it. If it were me I'd give myself two choices:
1. End the friendship.. is it worth all the BS?
2. Accept him the way he is and ignore all the gay comments. Sooner or later he will stop if you ignore his comments. He may get frustrated and stop on his own.
There are tons of other wonderful guys out there to meet especially in Orlando. From your post you sound like a real geniune person who cares about others and their feelings. You deserve more. mile:

[zeon]

hello,
By the sounds of it his confused in his own mind.... Maybe if he sat himself down for half hour and gathered his thoughts he may find which one he actually wants

[voyager171]

I have given much thought to what all of you have said on this forum and I do appreciate your help.

From the sounds of it what I need to do is to talk with him and bring up my concerns to him. My question for all of you is how would you go about doing so, and do you think this is the best way to try and deal with the situation? If I do have a chat with him, I need to let him know that he needs to be serious and let me know what's up. Or, do you think that it's not worth having a chat with him about it and it would prove to be a waste of time?

In other words, if you were dealing with the same friend how would you go about dealing with the situation? Thank you.