Relationship gone south(long post)

[sneakyc25]

Firstly, allow myself to introduce myself. I am a gay dude living in a major city in Texas attending a large public university and I am still "in the closet". I like cold weather, snow, rain, snowboarding, sports, video games and mostly rock music.

I have been with my current boyfriend for around three years now and for me my feelings are sometimes me being very happy and sometimes me wanting nothing to do with him(not wanting to talk to him at all). The feelings of me not wanting to be with him seem to culminate annual and I feel strongly about breaking it off. We live about six hours apart and within the past year we have failed to see each other. He works a lot and I am in school. I am also not "out" and he is. I care for him deeply, but I feel like this relationship has become a waste of time. Neither one of us seem to want to yield to the other and make the trip to visit. We do have similar interests that revolved greatly around playing video games together online but lately I we haven't been playing any games online together. We don't have a ton in common, I am more active/outdoorsy and he is a homebody gamer/anime guy. I like gaming and anime as well but I want more. In the past few months he has also begun to hang out with one of his younger friends and they make music, play video games, he helps the younger boy with his homework, and generally hang out and sleep over. I have told him numerous times that I do not like it, but he keeps up this behavior. We have talked about it and I know for a fact that nothing is going on between them as the younger boy is straight and I actually do trust my boyfriend. I guess I am jealous that I don't get much attention these days. I am about to finish school and I really want a boyfriend that lives closer to me so that I can do more things with him. From the beginning for this relationship felt a bit forced, but over time I grew to love him. As I have said about every year since we have been together I usually have a moment like this where I get depressed and want to see other guys and I usually start talking to guys online(flirting and such, I guess kind of emotionally cheating). We have been able to patch it up a few times, but if this will keep happening I don't think I can take it. I just wish there would be no doubts in my relationship, I think the doubt is ruining it. I feel like there is more out there for me and I don't know if it involves my boyfriend or not.

[pellaz]

I am still "in the closet" ... I am about to finish school and I really want a boyfriend that lives closer to me so that I can do more things with him.

kinda rough for partners if one boy is not out. its like you have to lie about him to what ever else is in your life. having a BF and graduating from college usually means both guys are out as gay men.

... I have been with my current boyfriend for around three years now and for me my feelings are sometimes me being very happy and sometimes me wanting nothing to do with him(not wanting to talk to him at all). The feelings of me not wanting to be with him seem to culminate annual and I feel strongly about breaking it off. We live about six hours apart ...

I care for him deeply...

I feel like there is more out there for me and I don't know if it involves my boyfriend or not.

is it possible to graduate and move back with the boy friend. i am just thinking after your graduation your opinions will change for you which may bring you two together or further apart. Wait till then to make a decision. If you can move together somehow.

You said you care for him deeply.

People change through life so relationships have to flow a bit. how important is it that your partner has common interests. It is important that the two of you add up to more, well than two and each bring something to the table. so yes there is more out there but is it sooo much better?

[Kyle]

I usually have a moment like this where I get depressed and want to see other guys and I usually start talking to guys online (flirting and such, I guess kind of emotionally cheating). I just wish there would be no doubts in my relationship, I think the doubt is ruining it. I feel like there is more out there for me and I don't know if it involves my boyfriend or not.

I think if my boyfriend was ever a member of GS he would write this word by word.

I think your graduation will change many things either in a positive or in a negative way. Now I am away from my boyfriend for few months, he graduated and wants to feel free. He thinks having a boyfriend makes him trapped and he told me what you said "I feel like there is more out there for me and I don't know if it involves you or not." You say you care about him deeply so why don't you move to his city and give it a try to live together for some months. If you two are meant to be together once you move to him he will stop hanging out with younger guy, you won't be jealous anymore, you two will spend more time together no matter how busy he is at work and you won't have this feeling to cheat on him emotionally.

Wish you two will have everything alright.

[zeon]

This is where my past relationship failed... with me being openly about myself and my bf at the time not i couldnt live a lie... Of course oppisites attract which is why your both together but relationships die if not looked after which sounds like your both not making the meeting point leaving it to die out... With regards to jelousy the only thing you can do is control it because if you dont you will end up in the cold... I watched a interesting moment on a british chat show known as jeremy kyle and he stated that in relationships partners get jelous alot ofd the time because they re project their own self guilt whether its concious or not they broadcast it onto their partners accusing their partners of something... My best advice is either re kindle and talk this over OR mutual agreement to end it and set both yourselves free

[LateBloomer]

To me, it just sounds like you guys have grown apart. It happens. You're very young and there are still lots of fish in the sea.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

First I wish to welcome you to our little home here on the interwebs.

As for relationships... They are rarely 'easy'.

Love has stages:
http://blogs.psychcentral.com/relationsh...ious-love/ to get you started.

More: http://www.google.com/webhp?hl=en#sclien...4247bbbcf0

You are most likely in the 'power struggle' stage. This is the interesting part of relationships. We find that we are not equals in most things, and for many of us we find that the roles of dominate and submissive in different aspects of the relationship are different by aspect.

All relationships that work have a 'leader' and a 'follower'. (Dom/Sub) however rarely are the relationships just a leader and the follower 24/7. One will be more financially savvy, thus 'lead' in the paying of bills and organizing all of those money matters. One will have an ease in the kitchen, thus end up 'leading' when to comes to cooking, nutritional plans, etc. One will be a mechanic, the other will look at a car and ask 'And the Squirrels power it it how?' These are the obvious 'leader/follower' issues. Other issues such as were to we dine tonight, who decides to go to whom, who holds the TV remote, etc are usually not that easily define, but one will become the leader, the other will follow. Sometimes its a compromise, sometimes is just is natural.

Couples can have a successful, healthy relationship even if they don't share much in common. It requires a wee bit more work, but it can be done. The 'trick' is a little give and take. He lets you go on your hunting trips, and takes an interest in the occasional camping trip, where you decide that "Yeah, renting a cabin is, I guess, camping" There is lots of room for compromise, it depends on what each side of the 'Us' part of relationship work out via communication.

In long term relationships there are good years and there are bad years. Wait until you are living together and each night he does that annoying thing, ya know - breathing.... Trust me the imagery of you suffocating the life out of him as you lay there listening to that in and out movement of air can be both terrifying and evilly satisfying at the same time. It is normal to have these 'night dreams' and even day dreams. however they will pass and there will be long periods where you don't even remember that he has that annoying habit of breathing.

My partner has friends that I really don't like. I am civil to them, even though my opinion is pretty low. They are my partner's friends not mine. I have told my partner, "I don't like S----." So my partner knows that I don't like the person. I have never denied him or forbid him from being friends with S----.

In turn my partner didn't like my hunting buddy. I was never forbidden to go play with my buddy. I did, however, take some pains to not have my buddy around the house often, keeping him for the outdoors stuff that we did.

This is compromise.

From these other friendships we both get our other needs satisfied. I get someone to sit in a duck blind's with, or go stalking deer or something. My partner gets someone to shop with, get the 'hair done' and whatever else that they do.

One thing you two need to do is learn how to communicate. Communication is not easy for many people. You have to learn 'formula' like the most well known:

"I feel___________________ when you________________"

You also will need to sit down and discuss the distance, set specific times for real visits.

You two can either take turns doing the drive, or just one of you do it. What ever you two decide.

Since this is happening every year, I want for you to sit down and write a list of your mood and emotional feelings month by month.

There is a little correctly diagnosed disorder called Seasonal Affected Disorder. Often miscalled 'seasonal depression'.

http://www.google.com/webhp?hl=en#hl=en&...94&bih=609

Severe cases result in depression, and often summer mania. That would be me. Too much light and I bounce off the walls :biggrin: To little and melancholia and crankiness sets in.

However there is a much wider array of how it affects people. 'Christmas Blues' are often really SAD. If you do a list of moods by the month/season you may find that it is and underlying SAD not your relationship at work for you.

By all means do the self diagnoses part and research before seeing a doctor. A misdiagnosis of bi-polarism or chronic depression by a psychiatrist will result in 15 minutes of seeing you and a prescription that can really mess you up.

[sneakyc25]

Thanks for all the feedback, it is greatly appreciated. mile:

I plan on talking to him about it, but he went to work a few hours ago and has been busy helping his friend with a paper for school the past few days. I didn't really want to get into a deep conversation before he had work. I will see if he is free tonight.

I just don't really know what I should do about it. I know he still loves me and I don't wish to hurt him. Sometimes I feel it would be better to break it off and others maybe not so much. It is honestly making me a little depressed. He is also my first real boyfriend, but I am not his first. I really wonder if there is anything else out there for me that might be better or I should just keep what I have. I think it might have been better for me to have dated around before I met him so I could understand what a relationship is really about.

Edit:
Reading through Bowyn Aerrow's links and such, I realize It could be do the change in the season. I usually get lazy or depressed at the end of school semesters which is when seasons usually start to change(at least where I live). Still reading through it all.

[Kyle]

Thanks for all the feedback, it is greatly appreciated. mile:

I just don't really know what I should do about it. I know he still loves me and I don't wish to hurt him. Sometimes I feel it would be better to break it off and others maybe not so much. It is honestly making me a little depressed. He is also my first real boyfriend, but I am not his first. I really wonder if there is anything else out there for me that might be better or I should just keep what I have. I think it might have been better for me to have dated around before I met him so I could understand what a relationship is really about.

I told you before and I feel the same, more I read your posts. It sounds like I'm listening to my boyfriend.

He knows I love him very much and he doesn't want to hurt me. I think he loves me back but he's really confused. He asked me to take a break and don't talk like boyfriends (added that didn't mean he didn't love me anymore) but I see less we communicate love is going away. We set up conversation for tomorrow evening and I feel he's gonna ask me to break up.
You say it makes you depressed, I'm not sure if he's depressed buy somehow feels guilty hurting me and feels sad. He constantly repeats he doesn't want it to be so but he can't help.
I'm his first real boyfriend. He has dated two guys before me but I was the first one with who he had sex while I had few somehow serious relationships before him. I think he wants to try it with other guys. I know we made a perfect couple and I know our relationship would be great through years but I can not convince him. He hasn't been in any serious relationship other than ours to compare, if you can not compare you can not value it properly. People here tell me to let it go and if we two are meant to be together he will be back but it's not so easy "to let it go" you know.
I really wish you two the best and in any case keep us updated. and you can check my thread sometime if you are interested. I always post if there is any update.
Kyle, xx

[sneakyc25]

A few moments ago we ended it mutually and felt that it is the best decision for both of us. I cried a bit. We both agree that it was the best decision and that staying together was just postponing the inevitable. We agreed it was good for both of our career paths and that we had begun to be a burden on one another. It was anything but a one-sided breakup.

Right now I am relieved to have all that was said off of my chest, but I now feel a little empty. I think I should stop trying to talk to other guys for awhile, but I really doubt I will do that. It was strange because nothing was really "bad", but there was a definite problem.

Do ya'll have any suggestions for what to do after a "good" breakup or breakup in general?

I feel awkward. I feel like nothing changed, but maybe in a few hours or days I might realize what has happened. I still love him, but I am not in love I suppose. This might prove to be a more difficult turnaround than it seems.

[Rainbowmum]

I really feel for you sneaky, three years is a very long time to be with someone.

You have to give yourself time to adjust to your new freedom ,and time to finding who you have become.
You are certainly no longer the same young man you were three years ago.

My suggestion baby steps , take your time , get to know you before trying to get to know someone else.

Sending you a hug.