Hi,
I've been with my boyfriend for eleven months. But his ex keeps hanging out all the time with us pretty much anywhere we go and even at his house. I've tried talking to my boyfriend about this but he always tells me. If you don't like hanging out with my ex I can always hang with him when I'm not with you. Should I be concerned about this?
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Some (not all) people can actually dissolve a relationship and still be good friends.
It is possible that that is what is happening here.
However your BF's attitude about your concerns is not nice, and damaging to the relationship.
Between these two extremes there is a middle ground. He should cut back on his visiting Ex visiting and you should allow some visiting time (with you present to prevent hanky-panky thus giving you peace of mind).
If he can't understand your emotional need here, I suspect that he won't be able to understand your other emotional needs.
That does not bode well for a long term relationship.
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Slap the bitch and be the winner.
And keep your enemy close.
Sound contradict but indeed it 's not that hard to do. Hang out with your boyfriend's ex without your boyfriend present. Be his friend then find that guy weakness and attack on it.
Also, if you want to get rid of that guy then why don't you introduce that guy to a hottie. When your boyfriend sees that his ex has moved on, he would understand that he should move on also.
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Thanks Bowyn Aerrow & posterpicture for the advice,
posterpicture it's hard for me to hang out with his ex cause he doesn't like guy's who have a disability, and he's not into me either.
I allow his ex to see him but when I come over to my bf place his ex seems to be still attached to him he's told me that his ex get close to him touching each him when I'm around or when I'm not there. He doesn't even ask him to stop. They both go out to bars, and other places together he tells me where he's going but never ask me if I want to come along or we can go together alone. It feels like that I always have to make decision in this relationship where to go. If I name a place he just tells me "ok" let go but with no opinion from him.
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Dump him..................
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You should have dumped him yesterday or the day before it. Also, since he sees the right to be super weird and crazy about his ex and be extremely ignorant towards your feelings, break his iPod or sth. The bitch had it coming lol. For example, my bf isn't even allowed to use the name 'Jimmy' or be friends with people with that name, or in any case mention that name to me. Because, he once mentioned how much considerate 'Jimmy' was and how they never fought and how they embraced each other etc. it drove me crazy! Hence he is not allowed to use that name any more. Sure he had a past, as well as me, but i am his present and past is in the past.
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nikolas Wrote:You should have dumped him yesterday or the day before it. Also, since he sees the right to be super weird and crazy about his ex and be extremely ignorant towards your feelings, break his iPod or sth. The bitch had it coming lol. For example, my bf isn't even allowed to use the name 'Jimmy' or be friends with people with that name, or in any case mention that name to me. Because, he once mentioned how much considerate 'Jimmy' was and how they never fought and how they embraced each other etc. it drove me crazy! Hence he is not allowed to use that name any more. Sure he had a past, as well as me, but i am his present and past is in the past.
Drop his iPod into the toilet is a smart move :roll eyes:
Anyway, if that guy really considers your feeling then he shouldn't do what he has done.
One time, I told the guy I was with about my feeling toward my ex-bestfriend ( who acted toward me like a lover ). I told him that I really love that guy as a brother and no one would ever be able to replace that guy. I stressed that in a "Bro" way however, the person I told that to still got upset ( he didn't say it but I knew ). From that, I never mentioned my ex-bestfriend's name ever again just to keep the other guy happy.
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Ok, i have a few questions for you:
1) How old are you, your BF and his ex?
2) Why did you bf and his ex breakup? (cheating, drugs, money?)
3) You mentioned the word "disability" - who is disabled and what form of disability?
4) You said when you talked to your BF about your feelings about his ex, that he told you that if you didn't like hanging with him, that he'd hang with him without you...but in your next post you say that he's been doing that anyway!
While i await your answers, i have a similar situation in my LTR. My partner has taken pity on his ex and continued to be a friend and supporter of his ex. Long storyshort, he broke up withhim after a domestic violence incident 2 years ago. A year later his ex was arrested and spent 2 months in jail...thoughout that time he would call and ask my BF for help - be it send him money in jail, get his mail, help wiht his dog, etc. WHile i kept quiet about things during his incarsuration, when he got out he asked if we could all "hang out" together and my BF thought it was a good idea because it would keep him away from the friends that he usually hung out with (annd did drugs and drank with). While i understood what he was asking, i told him that i felt it was 100% inappropriate that we "hang out." I have no illusions that my BF is 100% over his ex, he's just a kind man and dosn't want to see someone he cared for at one time, to be struggling.
I had to really sit my bf down and give him perspective on what he was asking me - and us as a couple. I told him that while i felt bad for what his ex was going thru, it was his poor choices that put him in this situation and that as long as he kept taking his phone calls and helping him, taht he'd continue to lean on him. Trust me, it isn't only about the "drama," he calls and texts my bf several times a week. I told my BF that if he continued to take his calls and reply to his texts that the frequency of calls and texts would increase - and they did. So finaly i just looked him in the eyes and said, "honey, i love you and have so much respect for you for all you've done for your ex, but he's never going to move on and mature if you're always there to make it better - and more than that, he's taking priority at times in OUR lives and that's not fair to me, you or US!
I then told him that if he didn't set the terms of their continued contact - that I WOULD! it wasn't an ultimatum, it was just the pure reality that he needed to know that there was a line he cound't cross!
It really hit home one day when we were at a friends house having a great time, and his ex called and he excused himself to take the call. Our friends asked me, "Who's calling Todd at 10pm on a friday nite that he would have to leave the room?" I had a feeling it was his ex, but i said, "not sure, ask him when he gets back."
Sure enough, he comes back, they ask him and he says, "It was daniel" (his ex). There was an akward silence, and finally one of the women in the room said, "Honey, i love you and i love Daniel, but how do you think it makes bob feel when you do that?" The conversation then focused on what was happening and he finally "got it" - and since then his ex only calls or texts once or twice a month.
So, the bottom line is this...when your BF is "choosing" to spend time with his ex over your objections and he's CHOOSING to ignore your feelings on the matter, then my friend, he's going to continue doing that - and more. Relationships are about compromise and thinking of the OTHER person - not just their own wants, needs and feelings.
Now, all that said, my position may change depending on how you answer the questions! I look forward to hearing your reply.
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Hi AZ,
I am not going to tell you what to do here , but I must admit that I am very concerned about the way you are being treated.
Ask yourself ;"Would you treat him this way?"
If the answer is unacceptable, than why let someone treat you this way.
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BobInTampa
Here are your answers
I'm 26, my bf is 27 I think his ex is 28. Because there relationship wasn't working his ex wanted to I guess stay with his mom because something about money, that's why my bf ended the relationship with his ex. I'm disabled I have Cerebral Palsy my walking is off my left leg isn't very strong and my left hand is weaker then my right hand.
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Advice needed about boyfriends ex!
