My turning point, almost my death

[Zet]

To be honest... I've been so fucking depressed all my life, and lately it just hit rock bottom. I couldn't stand it anymore, I couldn't even look my self in the mirror. I just hated my self, just so fucking much, and everything around me. Thats why I deleted my Account (Aester), cause I planed to commit suicide (No kidding).

During the Saturday I went to the railroad and waited for a train to pass, I think I waited 40-50 min somewhat. Eventually the train come, and as planed it was in full speed and unable to stop. So I stood there, in front of it, closed my eyes and praying for a quick death (Although I'm not Christian). But as I stood there, saw and heard the train coming closer and closer my heart pumped with adrenalin and without thinking I jumped of the track.

As I laid there on the ground beside, it just felt waking up to a weird dream, everything felt so unreal, that everything that has happened in my life was just a dream. I did not get flashbacks of my life as people whose close to death tells you. It wasn't meant for me to die that die that day obviously. It really opened my eyes... That all I've done is shit, let the past be as its not a part in the present. That I can't bury my self in sorrow, in self pity, guilt, paranoia or anxiety. I will never accomplish anything if I just hold on to those feelings.

So I went home, pretty disoriented. What to do now? I'm still feeling a bit depressed but it got me realizing that it doesn't lead to any good. Eventually I went to bed, but I couldn't sleep, I couldn't stop wonder how my life could had been, what would happened after death? Everything in general. Well anyway I'm back here. For the moment is my only goal to try to be more honest, to be my self and try to come out with my sexuality atleast. I can't hide the truth forever and either my emotions, I can't hide who I am, as I will only loose my self. This is my turn point, this is where I lose the last page on this chapter, cheers for a new begging!

The weirdest part was to read it in the news paper "Unknown guy tried to commit suicide, train driver got devastated that he almost killed someone." and hearing my mother say "Oh that poor bloke, must have lived a very loveless life. Just hope the best for him in the future".

[LateBloomer]

To be honest... I've been so fucking depressed all my life, and lately it just hit rock bottom. I couldn't stand it anymore, I couldn't even look my self in the mirror. I just hated my self, just so fucking much, and everything around me. Thats why I deleted my Account (Aester), cause I planed to commit suicide (No kidding).

During the Saturday I went to the railroad and waited for a train to pass, I think I waited 40-50 min somewhat. Eventually the train come, and as planed it was in full speed and unable to stop. So I stood there, in front of it, closed my eyes and praying for a quick death (Although I'm not Christian). But as I stood there, saw and heard the train coming closer and closer my heart pumped with adrenalin and without thinking I jumped of the track.

As I laid there on the ground beside, it just felt waking up to a weird dream, everything felt so unreal, that everything that has happened in my life was just a dream. I did not get flashbacks of my life as people whose close to death tells you. It wasn't meant for me to die that die that day obviously. It really opened my eyes... That all I've done is shit, let the past be as its not a part in the present. That I can't bury my self in sorrow, in self pity, guilt, paranoia or anxiety. I will never accomplish anything if I just hold on to those feelings.

So I went home, pretty disoriented. What to do now? I'm still feeling a bit depressed but it got me realizing that it doesn't lead to any good. Eventually I went to bed, but I couldn't sleep, I couldn't stop wonder how my life could had been, what would happened after death? Everything in general. Well anyway I'm back here. For the moment is my only goal to try to be more honest, to be my self and try to come out with my sexuality atleast. I can't hide the truth forever and either my emotions, I can't hide who I am, as I will only loose my self. This is my turn point, this is where I lose the last page on this chapter, cheers for a new begging!

The weirdest part was to read it in the news paper "Unknown guy tried to commit suicide, train driver got devastated that he almost killed someone." and hearing my mother say "Oh that poor bloke, must have lived a very loveless life. Just hope the best for him in the future".

And that right there perfectly sums up how SELFISH it is to commit suicide. Your existence is so important to so many different people--even people you DON'T KNOW, like the train driver.

But this is a HAPPY story, ultimately because every time someone wakes up and resolves to live life more honestly and more FULLY is a wonderful day.

Congratulations on your new beginning, but just remember this:

EVERY DAY IS NEW DAY!


Every day in another chance to change something, to do something different, to start all over and be TRUE; be GENUINE; be HONEST.

Big hug.

[pellaz]

I found life somewhat variable; sometimes it hits complete depression. Glad you got past your first low spot.

[AirBorn]

Wow. You got me crying. Thank god your here still to tell your story. I am always here to listen if you need someone to just vent to. I may not always have the answer or advice, but I am an extra body in this world too and am willing to listen and give motivation and positive words.

[matty7]

well its great to see you back here safe and sound.....if feelings get so strong that you want to harm yourself in any way then come back on GS and talk first... dont act on them please - easier said than done i know mate..
i dont know your past but do you think that its time to talk to a proffesional, go through your doctor and get medication that will help too, to a doctor your brain and its functions are just like any other part of the human body thats needs a helping hand too if things are imbalanced.
you mention you hated everyone around you too - ive seen the devestation a suiced causes to others - a freind accross the road hung himself before christmas last year - his family have never been the same since,,,they barely speak anymore....the driver of the train is obviously shocked too. just remember that people will miss you terrible if you do end it , its just that you may not realise this at the moment.....just try to get through each day for the time been and stay intouch with GS members,, best of luck

[dfiant]

I wish you could have opened up before you deleted your account as where you are now is not unfamiliar to me, and many of us.

I was 16 years old when I got to the point that you are at now, and yes, train was my choice as well...THAT was 27 years ago.

I'm honestly so upset that you are going through this, but I am so glad you are still with us. We are all friends here so please, send a private message to any one of us that you feel comfortable with and just let it all out.

We are here for you xxx

[Rainbowmum]

This is so very heartbreaking.
Oh my ,you really hit rock bottom, and that is a very scary place to be.
Suicide is never the answer sweetie , all it does is bring more pain, guilt and self loathing to those you leave behind.

I am so very thankful that you are still with us.
Please talk to us next time , do not allow yourself to go back to that very dark place.

Here for you always.

[cmj1985]

im glad to hear i too have had a close call with death but not at my own hand at the hand of fait in wich i won i fell asleep one night driving home from the field during seeding a few years back and went off the end of a t intersection in to a 10 foot drainage ditch and was ejected through the windshield i spent 8 weeks in the hospital and rehab and now i look at life in a whole new lite i say if i wake up on the right side of the ground its goin to be a good day no mater what life throws at you just remember that there is friends and family there who love you and will listen if you need someone to talk to we are all here for each other even tho we may only know eachother through a computer screen we are all family here at gay speak and someone will be here to lean on mile:

[Zet]

Depression is like quicksand. You may take a step once in life in wrong direction, then it just escalates instead of betting up. As time goes you will sink deeper and deeper into it, and the more you struggle against it the faster you sink, until you no longer see the light, where the only option is to consume the darkness and suffocate or getting a helping hand to drag your self away from your misery.

Although I won this battle am I still feeling confused and low. I've post a topic, once (or twice, not sure) about my depression as anonymous, and I think I didn't get the answer I was looking after. But the question still remains, what is the point in life and what am I doing here? Nobody can or ever will be able to answer it but the ignorance and confusion is consuming me from within.

All my life I've walked disoriented in wrong direction, thinking I know what I want but as the truth has turned its ugly face I've realized I don't want it, but the past doesn't want to be ignored and haunts you, leaving you only with bad memories and remorse, as the vision for the future is blurred and faded. I don't want to be a chef, but what the fuck do I want? I can't decide, but I have to choose which road as the clock goes by and people and authorities nagging to move your bloody ass. To afraid of choosing, can't stop thinking of what could happen.

A simple though is escalating, paranoia is raising, suspecting everything around me. Trying to find a purpose but can't see through the thoughts, do they need me? Why doesn't anyone want me, do I suck? Why do they want me, do they want to use me? abuse me? Why is it so important for me to get a job? Why do the government cares so much? Do they all want to control me? getting fortune out of me and leaving my carcase to root? What is the meaning with my life? Only to be a part of this system? only to labor? Doctors, Media, TV, radio, everything just manipulates to consume, to eat, to buy, to trash, only to destroy the earth while others is eating lobsters as breakfast. Everything is twisted, even my mind and words are twisted.

Its just keep going and I've even forgot why I'm sad as trash just keeps shoving in my face. Why is there so much artificial in food, do the government intentionally want to poison me!? Do doctors only want to drug me down, just so I can obey the government even further? with no cares, worries, pains comes more productivity, what society only wants, to not ask question, not to think, just to obey. We are just another product of the market and I can't stand it. From being well and fine have I've gotten afraid of everything, except pain and death.

Who is there to trust? All I've been is abused, mistreated, being a product and the only thing left is the wrappings that was around it. truths, lies, conspiracies, everything is manipulated, to hate, to fear, to believe, to ignore...

[Zet]

Anyhow thanks a lot for your concern, I really appreciate it I can send messages but I am terrible conversation starter :frown: