Moving from one relationship to another

[basilfrog]

Hi,

I am just getting out of a five year relationship. There was nothing obviously bad about the relationship. We had our fights, but generally we got a long. I just felt alone as we did nothing together for the last few years. I couldn't even get him to go out of the house to the local bar. It was to the point where I assumed he wouldn't come to anything and he was fine with it. I ended up sleeping in the spare room a lot and just moved in there a few months before the breakup.

I slowly found myself feeling alone and looking for other guys to meet. I knew this was the wrong thing to do, but I slowly pushed the limit of how far I would go. I finally met a guy who was exactly what I was looking for. We met for drinks and had a great time. The next day I realized that I still wanted to see this guy because we had such a great time together . . . I am talking socially not sexually. That night we were planning to go out again. I wanted to be honest with him because that was the only way we had a chance together. I had to tell him that I was still in a relationship but had been planning on breaking it off for a long time . . . which was all true. We talked a lot about how weird the situation was and after a few days, I mustered the courage to talk to my ex boyfriend and told him that I no longer felt our relationship was working. It was a very cordial break up . . . we are still living together for money and practical reasons . . . There's no angry blood from what I can tell.

This past weekend the new guy was really busy . . . and he told me so. I tried not to text him too much or call him, but I found myself thinking about him all weekend. I was making myself sick with worry that he was going to decide that I wasn't the right guy for him. His friends say that I am not good enough because I am a cheater . . . which is a valid point on their part. I know I made mistakes, but I'm not going to pretend that I didn't do them.

We are both very masculine and neither of us have found someone like the other . . . I think I stayed with my boyfriend so long because I never thought I would find someone like the other guy. Well, now I find that it has been a long weekend and all I have done was think about him and drink because I was anxious/worried about the new guy. I really like him and he says that he really likes me. We both realize that I am just getting out of a long term relationship and my mind tells me to take things slow . . . but it is hard to sit back and not call or text him. I am not sure if my feelings are out of desperation because I don't want to be alone or if I should be cautious because the new guy is taking advantage of me. He said he would "call me in a few" but still hasn't called back and it has been about 4 hours . . . I know it is really early to be worrying about this stuff, but I can't sit at home anymore with a turning stomach and a mind that's racing.

Anyone have any advice?

[iPromise]

basilfrog, sounds like you know your first mistake and you're prepared for any consequences that my follow.

Typically it's always best to just get out of a relationship and work trough the past before starting another. It sounds like you just got off with your ex yesterday and today there's this new guy after meeting him once, talked twice ...

Personally, that can tell a lot about a person character. I'm not going to be judgmental here, but it's just to say be careful with this new guy, because he may as very well see what I've mentioned above.

Chill out man, you're totally rushing this, and a bit over obsessed if you asked me. I would have imaged you'd would have at least want to reflect on your past relationship, but maybe that won't happen because well, you very well knew a few month before the break up that it wasn't working out, and it sounds like a mutual thing.

Regardless depending on this new guy, it may very well be that he's not going to judge you for the past or wonder why you're jumping from one relationship to the next so fast. Another thing I'd be cautious about is having such high hopes for this new relationship so fast.

Just be careful, you just recently got out of a relationship, take it easy with the new guy. Get to know him a bit more, patience.

[basilfrog]

Thanks . . . the relationship ended a week ago . . . I accepted all the consequences of ending the relationship (loss of friends, home, dog, etc) and don't have a problem with those things because I know it give the rest of my life more hope.

My problem is that I don't know how to stop thinking about this other guy. We've been on four dates and talked a lot through text and phone. This weekend, since he was busy, the contact has dropped significantly. It's affecting my daily life and work because I am always wanting to check my phone or text him. . . . I've only felt this way about one other guy before . . . I've tried dating before and never had this feeling except with the 5 year relationship guy . . . I wouldn't mind waiting if I could be ok while I am waiting . . . but I can't eat or sleep through the night. What do I do to chill out?

[iPromise]

lol, awe you're so cute. You remind me of myself ha-ha, what happened to the other guy you had feelings for such as this one? (non stop texting, worrying, wanting to call etc..) unless he was the guy you were with for five years?

Well for starters you need to plan for the future, your ex, you're not planning on living with him forever are you? Why not worry about your well being first a little? Of course this mr.hottie in your life now is of value (obviously) but chill out by not making it seems like you're overly obsessive about him lol. Take care of yourself first.

Man, I remember when I was going through what you were lol, the good awesome days. You know? You kinda get that heart pounding feeling, like if you haven't heard from him for a while, you start to wonder all the possibilities that could have happened? :O Ugh-

So in a way, I'm jealous of you, but I'm also worried about yah. : )

[basilfrog]

I am planning on doing the big move in the summer. His work takes him out of town for weeks on end and there's a dog to worry about . . . plus moving in the winter sucks . . . so I am thinking june I will be out.

I am not worried about myself too much . . . my family is great so I have a safe fall back . . . I have some money saved so I don't think I'll be in trouble in that aspect.

yeah I felt the same way about the guy I was with for five years . . . I was in love then, but naive as to what I wanted . . . I think. I tried to ignore the things that were different but they caught up to me.

what are the guidelines for gay dating? I don't know what is normal. Only dated one guy before and he was a lot older than me so I think my perspective was skewed. I like answers, and I am frustrated by situations like this where I don't get clear cut answers . . . how long I should wait, etc.

[iPromise]

Thing is about dating, relationships, there aren't any set guidelines. Our guides are ourselves, what we belief are the right guidelines.

It'd be nice if there was a constitution for gay dating lol. Perhaps there's one, but most likely we're not all going to follow it are we? Thing about guys as you may know, they're all just so sex lusting (most of them anyway), so most of the time guidelines aren't followed.

It's nice that you've got a plan B should anything not work out. : )

What did you learn from your past experiences that you'd like to take into perspective with this new one? I think that we all get frustrated when we don't get the answers we want, but if you ask me, coming off as obsessive is probably more of a turn off, than waiting don't you think?

[sneakyc25]

I am pretty much in the same boat. It sucks and I feel miserable most of the day. Just have to hang out with friends to help get your mind off it.

[iPromise]

O: Awe sneakyc25. Friends definitely can be a good go to source for come closure and advice. Always better to hang out with trusted people instead of isolating yourselves.

[basilfrog]

the new guy finally called me. We had a talk and I feel a little better. We agree we need to go slow . . . so at least I know we can communicate. we both have our issues to work through and are going to try to make sure we are both ready.

[sneakyc25]

Good luck.