Self Esteem?

[younglad]

Hey everyone.

Would like your views on this:

The question is about real ways to raise your self esteem. By real i mean i have looked in books, and they tell you to do things like look infront of the mirror and say i love myself 100 times lol - but my problem if that is, if you dont believe it to be true - the message wont sink in?

Anyway, here is a prime example. Im finding it very difficult to make friends at the moment, because a lot of people are "further down the line" than i am - they have got established friendships, stable jobs, maybe even partners, and when i meet them, i look at myself and think "why i havent got any of that" - then, not even conciously, i riddicle myself, and conclude i must be horrible, ugly, and worthless that no-one could like me, then i just dont want to meet anyone again, because it fuels this cycle.....Do people follow that? Obviously not meeting people is doing me no good either.

Ive always been exceptionally touchy about looks. I am in my twenties and never had a relationship, and given that *most* lads and girls, gay or straight have had a relationship by that age, there feels something hugely wrong with me, it makes me feel like i am a freak. People i know say there is nothing wrong with my looks or personality - - - but doesnt the evidence say otherwise? I cant seem to attract anyone, and it depresses the hell out of me.

Ive been invited to go out to a nightclub, but am kind of dreading it for this reason. I dont and wont go to nightclub to "pull" but if the people im going with do, and no one is interested in me, i know it will make me flip, and feel so ugly, unattractive and worthless - because this is a very touchy subject for me. I'll probably go off in a huff or bad mood then. I guess id like to know that one - just one - guy on this planet actually thinks im good looking.

I know this post makes me sound like a massively jealous person. I am not, i am genuine, honest and decent lad. I however struggle so much with my own self, and my own looks and my own personality.

Thanks for your responses in advance.

Younglad.

[steven88]

wow you sound exactly like i did one month ago. of course i did a stupid thing and went on grindr to make myself feel better. it gave me a massive ego boost because loads of guys were hitting on me, even met up with a few and lost my virginity. ive never had a relationship or felt attractive in any way. im 23. its taken me a while to feel comfortable with who i am and what i look like. getting there slowly. have stopped going on grindr looking for hook ups and actually have made a few friends. feeling better about my future and feeling like one day i will meet a half decent guy who will love me for me and not what i look like. good luck with meeting someone and having a better life

[Pix]

Offhand, I'd recommend joining an organized activity that interests you as it will make you more interesting to others in turn and help you meet others with similar interests as yourself. If it allows some sort of advancement or improvement over time then so much the better, as getting better should help you feel more confident and better about yourself, which also helps others to feel more attracted to you as well.

[zeon]

Hello,
With referance to raising self esteem its how you feel as an individual is what counts... I had low esteem when i was younger however i wanted to loose some weight and gain confidence and with me i wore glasses so changed to contacts and with my weight i joined a gym... Never look at the pretty boys because they are just plastic... Plastic people with ego's the size of jupiter who look upon others like dog mess... Show your true colours under things and you will soon starat clicking with those you get on well with... If any issues about physical appearance bother you figure out how you as an indivudal can change them for the better

Kindest regards

zeon x

[ChrisR005]

List for me, if you feel like it, 15 achievements. They don't have to be big things. Then do one of 2 things share the list here or show it me in a private message. I'll let you know what to do once you've done it. By the way, you have until 10pm UK time Monday the 6th of January 2012. If you want to.

[zeon]

chris hate to tell ya this mate but its february lol

[azulai]

hi, younglad.

For me the key to helping me with my self-esteem was making peace with myself. I spent a lot of time looking at myself and learning my strengths and weaknesses. I tend to do lists and journaling, but what is key is honestly evaluating yourself.

Then, I really thought back to any criticisms I've received and I took a "second" listen.
I also, listed out things I viewed of myself in a negative fashion (physical stuff, too). But the thing is here, I try to view this as a point of constructive criticism of myself rather than just beating up on myself. You want to get away from that and give yourself feedback on what you need to work on. I basically took a few things and slowly modified my behavior/reaction. Physically, I started exercising regularly and changing my eating habits. I always approach things as, how can I turn a negative into a positive.

So after, that what I did was similar to the mirror thing you mention. No, seriously I just saw myself "as is," things that I couldn't change, things that I could work on and I accepted myself and in a sense, made friends with myself.

Also, it's important to have NO envy. What you describe as jealousy is really envy. I'm not saying that as a criticism but as in trying to make you aware. I have found it's important to let go of all envy in my life and develop a spirit of gratitude. So, it's not that you are jealous of others, but you need to keep your eyes towards yourself and where you are because maybe it's where you NEED to be at this point in your life. You have to live your journey, not someone else's. IDK, but seeing my life as my journey kind of focused me.

What might help here is to set some goals, and then break them into workable mini-goals. Make them flexible to allow for life to happen but give yourself a picture of where you are headed.

So, when you find yourself looking at others/comparing, it's almost like you start training your mind to look at things differently. It takes time and it doesn't happen over night, but you keep telling yourself, no, I'm NOT comparing myself, and you keep practicing this and you'll be surprised how you start to let go of the self-comparisons. Other people's successes in life and love are things we should celebrate with them; don't deprive yourself of that fun. And, when you let envy go, it's an incredible freedom.

And finally, lol, in examining yourself, try to develop a sense of humor about your little quirks. They are usually what makes us unique.

It's almost like you start to see yourself as a work in progress and we all have good and bad days where we wish we would have done better but you value where you are and the progress you've made.

I think the more comfortable we get in our own skin is what helps with confidence and seeing our own worth. It's almost like when you know where you can contribute and where you can't and that's what you build on. Not sure if that makes sense.

But, you see yourself as a member of a team with everyone else and you can't do everything perfectly and you're glad there are other people who do things better than you and you appreciate what they contribute.

So, how does all this crap I've written help with the "I can't seem to attract anyone" problem? Well, you might be giving off a vibe when you meet people or even something as simple as your body language that makes you unapproachable. It may be something as simple as smiling. Can you think back to how you acted when you've gone before and what you wish you would have done differently?

It may be you are putting too much pressure on yourself, and you just need to go to have fun and don't put expectations on yourself or the evening.

Also, if nightclubs aren't your thing, try to find some LGBT groups like a hiking or cycling group where you have more in common with people and things to talk about. Maybe even find some volunteering opportunities? This would kind of take the pressure off why you are meeting people and put it more as a goal of doing something.

Well, I hope you can get something from this to maybe help a little. I'm not sure I'm even answering your question. :redface: Take care.

[East]

You may need to go to the root of your self esteem problems..they appear to be deeply internalized...they came from somewhere...figure out where they came from and heal yourself...

..as for attracting someone...looks have very little to do with anything that matters. It is a huge lie that everyone believes in. Sure...people are attracted to looks BUT if that is the sole criteria for forming a relationship you are a fool.

...azulai gave you a very important piece of the puzzle...lose the envy. You will ALWAYS feel ugly if you have this quality no matter what you look like....

...and I am going to add another thing...self pity...lose this ASAP. It is unattractive and you will most likely repulse yourself and anyone else...if you attract someone they may be toxic and desire this kind of low self esteem in order to play out whatever crap they have in store for you...seriously...I got to watch this play out more times than you can count....I had a turn at it myself.

If you are one of those people who truly take advice...you an avoid all of this if you take the time to figure out the source of your low self esteem. Parents? Friends? Society? False Images? Think about it. You will have a much happier life if you do.

[Jay]

From my own experience.

To have a good self esteem, you need to stop worrying about yourself and what other may think about you. You really need to say, "Fu** it!

Ive always been exceptionally touchy about looks. I am in my twenties and never had a relationship, and given that *most* lads and girls, gay or straight have had a relationship by that age, there feels something hugely wrong with me, it makes me feel like i am a freak. People i know say there is nothing wrong with my looks or personality - - - but doesnt the evidence say otherwise? I cant seem to attract anyone, and it depresses the hell out of me.

Ive been invited to go out to a nightclub, but am kind of dreading it for this reason. I dont and wont go to nightclub to "pull" but if the people im going with do, and no one is interested in me, i know it will make me flip, and feel so ugly, unattractive and worthless - because this is a very touchy subject for me. I'll probably go off in a huff or bad mood then. I guess id like to know that one - just one - guy on this planet actually thinks im good looking.

See the problem here?

Guys/girls love someone who is confident and can carry himself. You don't need to be a supermodel to attract lots of people. You can be anything less than perfect.

When you go to a club, do not think about baiting and attracting a guy. You go to a club to have fun and dance your butt off. Again, stop worrying about yourself and what other may think about you. Exhibit your confidence and fun side of you whilst dancing and socializing. Again, guys/girls love a confident person.

I give you one example ...

People say I have a nice look but unfortunately I injured my left leg due to my stupidity (I was a kid). My left leg bends a bit now due to the injury. One of my aunts once said, "Pity. He has such a good look but with ... that leg."

There was a point in my life where I was down due to my injured leg. But then I've had enough and said, "Fuc* it!". I still dance my butt off, run everyday etc. My 'poor' leg doesn't bother me at all.

I'm still being approached by guys even though I have this so called poor leg. Not bad, huh?

My point is confidence defeats all your weaknesses and attract many because of your high self esteem.

[younglad]

Hey everyone - thanks for your replies, much appreicated words and advice!

Chris - I cant PM you for some reason.