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Is it the right time, in hard times? (long story)
#1
So I want to know if it's maybe the right time to come out, I feel like I need to so I can move on from the fear of being in the closet, and so that I can have the hope of being happy with someone in my life, but at the same time I'm afraid because I really don't have that many friends to begin with and I'm not really sure that I will have any left if I do come out.

Let me explain my situation and history in more detail so that maybe someone will understand. I'm 24 and I've had a pretty rough start to life. It's made me into a tough person and now I want to change and be a good person and have a good life. I've made a lot of progress towards that goal, but I'll start with my troubles.

I grew up as the youngest, and the scapegoat in a family of five with alcoholic, drug abusing parents, Not terrible people, but not good ones either, and certainly not good role models.
In high school I abused drugs (a lot). I did terrible in school and was put into an alternative school when I faced expulsion for skipping too many days. That's really when I was learning that I was gay. I fell in love with a girl, but didn't really understand that you couldn't have a relationship with a highschool girl if you don't want to sex them. I attempted suicide twice, and spent a year in mental hospitals for my depression, insomnia and dysthymia. When I was released my mother didn't want me to live at home anymore so I lived in group homes for a bit over a year until my mother let me move back in with her.

I started working as a mechanic in my father's shop earning minimum wage under the table (I had worked for him a part time before for a little while). My father, i'm proud of him, he has done so much to change his life for the better. He's quit drugs and alcohol, and smoking and started his own business. He's put a lot of effort into being a better person, but he was a very bad one to start with. He's still not a good person, he still makes fun of people behind there backs, and lies, and is quite homophobic, or I think around here it's called "conservative". His favorite swear is "cocksucker", and he calls gay people "dykes" and "poop pirates".

My mother isn't as bad, he says that he likes gay people, and is fine with them, but she's just uncomfortable around gay people and treats them as disabled (she worked in a disabled home for most of her life). She treats gays like they need help with everything, it's really kind of embarrassing really, but still better than swearing at them.

The few friends I have hung onto from highschool, and the few I've met since are all homophobic, and really I've been that way too. It's been the only way to stay in the closet here. In my home town there is a bridge downtown that is nicknamed chuckahomo bridge because in the 80's charles howard, a gay teen was beaten and thrown from it and drown there, it's what we all grew up calling it, it's what our parents call it, and that is the attitude around here. That it's something to laugh and joke at. It really eats at you inside to feel like you have to smile and laugh at those type of jokes. I think that the friends that I have, maybe one of them isn't like that, and the rest I think the best case is that they aren't brave enough to do that to my face if I'm out and honest. To be truthful, I'm not all that good at hiding my gay. They know that I'm a virgin, and that I've turned down some really quite attractive girls. Maybe it's all of the Tegan and Sara posters, or that I have a habit of biting my lip when I see a hot guy, but I'm kinda sure that they have guessed, because they do call me gay a lot, then I blush and swear up and down that I'm not. but they do still make cruel gay jokes pretty much all of the time.

That's a bit of my history. Since then I've quit drugs and smoking completely, and I've had my depression and insomnia under control for a long time now without medicine or therapy. I've also started teaching myself to play the piano, and studying music theory. That is something that I've found I really love and have passion for, that has really helped me a lot. In October my father's second dog died,. I had grown up with them, they were both 14 years old. I decided that it was time to stop working for my father to separate myself from his negativity, I quit on Halloween. I know that was the right choice and I don't regret it. I left on good terms with him, but we haven't talked for more than a few minutes since then. I have not been able to find a job yet and am living with my mother on her couch (embarrassing). My mother's dog, who I also grew up with died in November, That was a really big blow to my mother, it was her baby really, that's how she felt about him, and I have to say that it made me sad as well, but I've had a fair amount of practice at hiding my emotions, so I've been able to be strong for her, strong enough to bring him to be put down.

Three dogs dying is hard to deal with when you've spent so much of your life with them in it, but that sadness gets over shadowed in the face of true tragedy. On February 11th at 10:30PM My sister lost her battle with cancer and died at the age of 33. That has been especially hard on me because I felt that out of all of us in our broken family her was the only good person. She moved to Florida and was living a good life around good people. I borrowed $890 for the last available ticket to Sarasota to spend Christmas with her, and I gave her away at her wedding. I was only able to spend that week with her, and it was the last time I saw her.

It's really very odd, you might think that with that much gone wrong I'd be under pressure to give up, but it's exactly the opposite. Maybe it's true what they say about what doesn't kill you. I have the rest of my life to live knowing that I will never have to do anything harder than saying goodbye to my sister. Coming out now after what I've been through doesn't seam so hard at all. I feel that to be happy, and to be a good person that I have to be an honest person, with myself, and with everyone, so I feel very pressured to come out, to move on from all of the fear and pain and self hatred that being in the closet has brought me, but I don't have any support, and I live in a hateful community without anywhere to run to if things turn bad. I want to come out, and I'm more than brave enough to do it, but I fear that maybe I'm stupid to do it without a plan, or support (or a job).
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#2
Hi Joshua and welcome to the GS!

That's really a sad story. Surprisingly with positive attitude though. I am really proud of you for still feeling strong.

If I were you, I would be afraid to come out to a society you are writing about. I would try to move to a different area and start again. But I know it may take time and if you feel like you need to come out now...
I am sure I would be scared of the reaction of those people.

Good luck with your decision.
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#3
Hello Joshua,
Firstly welcome to gayspeak amd my condolences on the loss of your dogs and sister. You sound like your parents attitude on gay life is like my father and grandmothers. Despite the hard man image i have a feeling that if you were able to find courafge and reveal yourself and stand by your grounds without looking back being mentally strong to the fact6 that you accept yourself and are fully aware it is ok to be gay its not ok to make a nasty bitchy comment... You may find that your friends and their comments will turn from insult to banter and at the end of the day just say to anyone with an issue.... Five minutes ago you didnt have a problem like this and now you shouldnt either... Im still me you silly sod just that ive been honest about something as life is too short to lie... Some people may find it difficult to accept but as long as you work with them on understanding that being gay isnt a choice its a right that nature granted when being developed.. Same as a hetrosexcual person cant seem to find the way to be gay...

Well good luck with it and once again welcome to forums

Kindest regards

aunty zeon x
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#4
Hello. I can relate to a lot of what you said, having been raised (at least at times) by dysfunctional, alcoholic parents, have spent time in a mental hospital when I was 13 and was in a special school program called ABC (Adaptive Behavior Class), and other things. Other than my granny I haven't told anyone in my hometown that I'm a lesbian, though I think they suspect (they certainly interrogated me on why I wasn't married yet when I visited them last summer and a cousin teased me mercilessly about it to the point I'd have told him if I wasn't sure he'd just tell everyone else while he was drunk).

But there are differences, too, like I live over a thousand miles away from my family and have had only minimal contact with them since I ran away from home at age 16 (and that wasn't the first time I ran away either). I experimented with alcohol & drugs but I never really got that into them.

Anyway, should you come out or not?

I vote "not" at this time because your parents have just gone through a lot. The death of your sister and their dogs likely has them in a really bad head space right now, and they could get angry if you come out gay to them, especially if they have a problem with it (and for the same reason you could take it especially hard if they did). Even if they'd normally be inclined to get over it, at this time they could get angry at God or the Universe or whatever and think it's all too much at once and end up taking it out on you. If I were in your position (as much as I can imagine it) I'd give them some time to bounce back from what their grief before upsetting them further.

Btw, I hope you pursue your interest in music, maybe take some classes at a JC or something. Maybe you could get a job at a music store or as a music teacher of some kind, which hopefully you'd enjoy (it's a lucky person who gets work they enjoy doing).

And... Bighug

I hope I made sense. It's still very early and I haven't had breakfast yet. Wink

PS: That's a horrible thing to call a bridge and laugh about! :eek:
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#5
I hadn't thought of it like that. It would be very selfish of me to make my parents feel that way. I really wish that I could move somewhere better, but that's just not in the cards right now. Even if I had a job it would take me years to save up enough money to move somewhere else. I know that if I find a job I don't want to start it pretending to be straight. That would just create a whole new mess of lies in brand new relationships. I don't think I could be out at work and not be out everywhere else though. I wouldn't be able to keep those two worlds separated. I think that I've just become more confused about this. I really want to stop having to lie.
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#6
JoshuaJames Wrote:I hadn't thought of it like that. It would be very selfish of me to make my parents feel that way. I really wish that I could move somewhere better, but that's just not in the cards right now. Even if I had a job it would take me years to save up enough money to move somewhere else. I know that if I find a job I don't want to start it pretending to be straight. That would just create a whole new mess of lies in brand new relationships. I don't think I could be out at work and not be out everywhere else though. I wouldn't be able to keep those two worlds separated. I think that I've just become more confused about this. I really want to stop having to lie.

Hello,
The problem with having two seperate worlds and leading two lives is eventually the truth could happen to come out for example if your in town with a friend who doesnt know your gay and you meet a collegue who accidentally says So is this your mister right you were telling me about? Your going to get embarrissed over something you dont need to be embarissed over... l remember just before i admitted my sexuality at 18 i left my grilfriend and then decided this double life isnt me it has to go... I think the only reason we admit to people our sexuality is so they dont assume and tyhey then dont make assumtions on whats what in lfie. I do think that its a way we basically say look im going to be with a guy and live there happily as long as my life leads ouit to do so

kindesty regards

zeonj x
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#7
You have a lot of stuff on your plate. Stuff that will stick with you for life and will affect many aspects of your life.

I think that you do not need the added burden of the drama that would ensue once you came out of the closet.

I also think you need to seriously consider a geographic relocation. Moving TO someplace not so much moving AWAY.

The place you are at does not sound like a friendly place. They have the chuckahomo bridge... while they mayn't have done that for a while the mindset is there. And while they mayn't actually pick you up and throw you off a bridge literally, they will do it verbally, emotionally, mentally, etc.

I think you should sit down and right up a list of goals - one of those goals should be to move to a more gay tolerant place.

I would suggest you do not tell your folks you are gay until you are on your own and supporting yourself. Being dependent upon people means they have control, and if you are doing something they don't like they will use what ever power they hold to force you to their will.

Considering your past emotional health issues the last thing you need is to be helpless to a person or to people who will most likely find your being gay good enough reason to punish you and push you back to drugs, back to insanity, back to institutions.

I would suggest you set about getting a job, and start saving up money to tour the greater area to find a gay community - or perhaps you will want to set your goals on a major city with a known gay community.

There is no rush to come out of the closet. Unless you have a new BF who you want to introduce as the love of your life?
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#8
You have to be careful with your life. For example:
A 14year old dog has lived its life to the fullest. The fact it lasted 14 years says someone was taking care of the animalWink When things are not quite right overall we over react to small bad things (the dogs). Be aware of what is small and what needs immediate strong attention.

Fix you sight on the long term goals of becoming self supporting and after that come out as a gay man.
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