02-20-2012, 04:32 AM
So I want to know if it's maybe the right time to come out, I feel like I need to so I can move on from the fear of being in the closet, and so that I can have the hope of being happy with someone in my life, but at the same time I'm afraid because I really don't have that many friends to begin with and I'm not really sure that I will have any left if I do come out.
Let me explain my situation and history in more detail so that maybe someone will understand. I'm 24 and I've had a pretty rough start to life. It's made me into a tough person and now I want to change and be a good person and have a good life. I've made a lot of progress towards that goal, but I'll start with my troubles.
I grew up as the youngest, and the scapegoat in a family of five with alcoholic, drug abusing parents, Not terrible people, but not good ones either, and certainly not good role models.
In high school I abused drugs (a lot). I did terrible in school and was put into an alternative school when I faced expulsion for skipping too many days. That's really when I was learning that I was gay. I fell in love with a girl, but didn't really understand that you couldn't have a relationship with a highschool girl if you don't want to sex them. I attempted suicide twice, and spent a year in mental hospitals for my depression, insomnia and dysthymia. When I was released my mother didn't want me to live at home anymore so I lived in group homes for a bit over a year until my mother let me move back in with her.
I started working as a mechanic in my father's shop earning minimum wage under the table (I had worked for him a part time before for a little while). My father, i'm proud of him, he has done so much to change his life for the better. He's quit drugs and alcohol, and smoking and started his own business. He's put a lot of effort into being a better person, but he was a very bad one to start with. He's still not a good person, he still makes fun of people behind there backs, and lies, and is quite homophobic, or I think around here it's called "conservative". His favorite swear is "cocksucker", and he calls gay people "dykes" and "poop pirates".
My mother isn't as bad, he says that he likes gay people, and is fine with them, but she's just uncomfortable around gay people and treats them as disabled (she worked in a disabled home for most of her life). She treats gays like they need help with everything, it's really kind of embarrassing really, but still better than swearing at them.
The few friends I have hung onto from highschool, and the few I've met since are all homophobic, and really I've been that way too. It's been the only way to stay in the closet here. In my home town there is a bridge downtown that is nicknamed chuckahomo bridge because in the 80's charles howard, a gay teen was beaten and thrown from it and drown there, it's what we all grew up calling it, it's what our parents call it, and that is the attitude around here. That it's something to laugh and joke at. It really eats at you inside to feel like you have to smile and laugh at those type of jokes. I think that the friends that I have, maybe one of them isn't like that, and the rest I think the best case is that they aren't brave enough to do that to my face if I'm out and honest. To be truthful, I'm not all that good at hiding my gay. They know that I'm a virgin, and that I've turned down some really quite attractive girls. Maybe it's all of the Tegan and Sara posters, or that I have a habit of biting my lip when I see a hot guy, but I'm kinda sure that they have guessed, because they do call me gay a lot, then I blush and swear up and down that I'm not. but they do still make cruel gay jokes pretty much all of the time.
That's a bit of my history. Since then I've quit drugs and smoking completely, and I've had my depression and insomnia under control for a long time now without medicine or therapy. I've also started teaching myself to play the piano, and studying music theory. That is something that I've found I really love and have passion for, that has really helped me a lot. In October my father's second dog died,. I had grown up with them, they were both 14 years old. I decided that it was time to stop working for my father to separate myself from his negativity, I quit on Halloween. I know that was the right choice and I don't regret it. I left on good terms with him, but we haven't talked for more than a few minutes since then. I have not been able to find a job yet and am living with my mother on her couch (embarrassing). My mother's dog, who I also grew up with died in November, That was a really big blow to my mother, it was her baby really, that's how she felt about him, and I have to say that it made me sad as well, but I've had a fair amount of practice at hiding my emotions, so I've been able to be strong for her, strong enough to bring him to be put down.
Three dogs dying is hard to deal with when you've spent so much of your life with them in it, but that sadness gets over shadowed in the face of true tragedy. On February 11th at 10:30PM My sister lost her battle with cancer and died at the age of 33. That has been especially hard on me because I felt that out of all of us in our broken family her was the only good person. She moved to Florida and was living a good life around good people. I borrowed $890 for the last available ticket to Sarasota to spend Christmas with her, and I gave her away at her wedding. I was only able to spend that week with her, and it was the last time I saw her.
It's really very odd, you might think that with that much gone wrong I'd be under pressure to give up, but it's exactly the opposite. Maybe it's true what they say about what doesn't kill you. I have the rest of my life to live knowing that I will never have to do anything harder than saying goodbye to my sister. Coming out now after what I've been through doesn't seam so hard at all. I feel that to be happy, and to be a good person that I have to be an honest person, with myself, and with everyone, so I feel very pressured to come out, to move on from all of the fear and pain and self hatred that being in the closet has brought me, but I don't have any support, and I live in a hateful community without anywhere to run to if things turn bad. I want to come out, and I'm more than brave enough to do it, but I fear that maybe I'm stupid to do it without a plan, or support (or a job).
Let me explain my situation and history in more detail so that maybe someone will understand. I'm 24 and I've had a pretty rough start to life. It's made me into a tough person and now I want to change and be a good person and have a good life. I've made a lot of progress towards that goal, but I'll start with my troubles.
I grew up as the youngest, and the scapegoat in a family of five with alcoholic, drug abusing parents, Not terrible people, but not good ones either, and certainly not good role models.
In high school I abused drugs (a lot). I did terrible in school and was put into an alternative school when I faced expulsion for skipping too many days. That's really when I was learning that I was gay. I fell in love with a girl, but didn't really understand that you couldn't have a relationship with a highschool girl if you don't want to sex them. I attempted suicide twice, and spent a year in mental hospitals for my depression, insomnia and dysthymia. When I was released my mother didn't want me to live at home anymore so I lived in group homes for a bit over a year until my mother let me move back in with her.
I started working as a mechanic in my father's shop earning minimum wage under the table (I had worked for him a part time before for a little while). My father, i'm proud of him, he has done so much to change his life for the better. He's quit drugs and alcohol, and smoking and started his own business. He's put a lot of effort into being a better person, but he was a very bad one to start with. He's still not a good person, he still makes fun of people behind there backs, and lies, and is quite homophobic, or I think around here it's called "conservative". His favorite swear is "cocksucker", and he calls gay people "dykes" and "poop pirates".
My mother isn't as bad, he says that he likes gay people, and is fine with them, but she's just uncomfortable around gay people and treats them as disabled (she worked in a disabled home for most of her life). She treats gays like they need help with everything, it's really kind of embarrassing really, but still better than swearing at them.
The few friends I have hung onto from highschool, and the few I've met since are all homophobic, and really I've been that way too. It's been the only way to stay in the closet here. In my home town there is a bridge downtown that is nicknamed chuckahomo bridge because in the 80's charles howard, a gay teen was beaten and thrown from it and drown there, it's what we all grew up calling it, it's what our parents call it, and that is the attitude around here. That it's something to laugh and joke at. It really eats at you inside to feel like you have to smile and laugh at those type of jokes. I think that the friends that I have, maybe one of them isn't like that, and the rest I think the best case is that they aren't brave enough to do that to my face if I'm out and honest. To be truthful, I'm not all that good at hiding my gay. They know that I'm a virgin, and that I've turned down some really quite attractive girls. Maybe it's all of the Tegan and Sara posters, or that I have a habit of biting my lip when I see a hot guy, but I'm kinda sure that they have guessed, because they do call me gay a lot, then I blush and swear up and down that I'm not. but they do still make cruel gay jokes pretty much all of the time.
That's a bit of my history. Since then I've quit drugs and smoking completely, and I've had my depression and insomnia under control for a long time now without medicine or therapy. I've also started teaching myself to play the piano, and studying music theory. That is something that I've found I really love and have passion for, that has really helped me a lot. In October my father's second dog died,. I had grown up with them, they were both 14 years old. I decided that it was time to stop working for my father to separate myself from his negativity, I quit on Halloween. I know that was the right choice and I don't regret it. I left on good terms with him, but we haven't talked for more than a few minutes since then. I have not been able to find a job yet and am living with my mother on her couch (embarrassing). My mother's dog, who I also grew up with died in November, That was a really big blow to my mother, it was her baby really, that's how she felt about him, and I have to say that it made me sad as well, but I've had a fair amount of practice at hiding my emotions, so I've been able to be strong for her, strong enough to bring him to be put down.
Three dogs dying is hard to deal with when you've spent so much of your life with them in it, but that sadness gets over shadowed in the face of true tragedy. On February 11th at 10:30PM My sister lost her battle with cancer and died at the age of 33. That has been especially hard on me because I felt that out of all of us in our broken family her was the only good person. She moved to Florida and was living a good life around good people. I borrowed $890 for the last available ticket to Sarasota to spend Christmas with her, and I gave her away at her wedding. I was only able to spend that week with her, and it was the last time I saw her.
It's really very odd, you might think that with that much gone wrong I'd be under pressure to give up, but it's exactly the opposite. Maybe it's true what they say about what doesn't kill you. I have the rest of my life to live knowing that I will never have to do anything harder than saying goodbye to my sister. Coming out now after what I've been through doesn't seam so hard at all. I feel that to be happy, and to be a good person that I have to be an honest person, with myself, and with everyone, so I feel very pressured to come out, to move on from all of the fear and pain and self hatred that being in the closet has brought me, but I don't have any support, and I live in a hateful community without anywhere to run to if things turn bad. I want to come out, and I'm more than brave enough to do it, but I fear that maybe I'm stupid to do it without a plan, or support (or a job).
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